Super Heros

Superman`s confidence has always left me in awe. It is not easy to wear your underwear over your trouser and yet walk tall on a busy road.

As if wearing ones underwear over ones trouser was not enough…he also had a big ‘S` for ‘Sucker` on his chest. Not to mention that red flowing ‘bridely` piece of cloth that follows him wherever he goes. Funny, he is considered the most macho man. No offense to Christopher Reeve, who played Superman in reel life and died a paralytic I real life. Ironies of life.

Somebody who can challenge Superman`s popularity is Spiderman. No, he is not a by-product of a relationship between a spider and a man…he was bitten by a spider and he went on to develop muscles and become the great weaver. Some even call him a spinner. No, he doesn`t play cricket. I have always had this doubt weather Spiderman would die if we spray Hit, the popular pesticide that is advertised on TV, on him.

When I was a kid, I tried to imitate him by sticking nicely chewed Big Fun (that was a popular chewing gum) on my wrists and trying to make a web. That`s when I realized being a Super Hero was not an easy life.

I also have severe doubts on Spiderman`s bathroom habits. Pray somebody tell me how he goes to the loo…I have never seen a zip in any part of this clothing. If I were him, and I were climbing the walls like he does..chasing criminals…I would make sure I had well-defined emergency ‘piss` facility. I don`t want to be chasing criminals on a 50-storied building and pissing in my pants.

Even Batman doesn`t have such a facility. But then, he sure is a man with some balls. If only he had a pair of stumps..he would be a cricketing institution in himself. Imagine…bat, ball and stumps. Why was he ever named batman? Couldn`t they get a better name? Something like a Parrot-man…or Peacock-man. Or if you are too much into science and think that a Bat (which is a mammal) has to be replaced only by a mammal…let us suggest Whale-man…or Gorilla-man…or for that matter a man-man. Wow…did not see that one coming! Lest we forget, Batman also believes in wearing his undies over his trousers.

Remember that cool dude who would stick to Batman…the same dude that pretty girls would swoon for? Our next-door neighbor Robin? His name irks me. Why wasn`t he named after a Woodpecker or a crow or a Kingfisher …at least Kingfisher would have added some kick to his existence.

(Off a tangent: I have to admit that for a long while I thought the book ‘Robinson Crusoe` by Daniel Defoe was actually ‘Robinson Curse` with a spelling mistake on the cover.)

Getting back to Super Heros…I wonder if Phantom can be seen in a mirror. Don`t they say that ghosts can`t be seen in the mirror? And if that is true, how does Mr Phantom dress up? How does he know which finger to wear his skull-ring on? I got to say here that the purple dress (ladies please excuse the men…we are color blind) doesn`t go too well with his muscles. And aren`t those goggles old fashioned?

Talking of being old fashioned, I think He-Man needs to grow up. You cannot always have a cat for a vehicle. Things change…now the villains are getting fission-powered vehicles that can have sex with other machines. Now, that`s what I can artificial intelligence. And you don`t win fights with swords anymore. My guess is he would have been really popular in the days of King Ashoka or Chandra Gupta Maurya – the days of the sword. Wonder why the emphasis in his name…can`t we see that he is a man?

A few days back while looking at Mallika Sherawat, I was reminded of Wonder Woman. In the good old days when the air was clean and sex was dirty… Wonder Woman was the only lady with a bra and a panty for clothes. Now, there are many. Most appear on Z-Music. I think being a fan of a lady super hero is passé. Now, the in thing is to adore your wife – the real super hero.

Rekha… Rekha…please can I have a beer this weekend?