You are going to read about somebody who is not yet India’s funniest stand up comedian but is on the way down so better brace up. Here are the ten things CIA doesn’t know about him.
His life has been full of quirks, idiosyncrasies, whims, eccentricity and oddity (It helps to know the usages of Thesaurus.. huh?)
Here are ten things about Jammy or Jamshed Velayuda Rajan…whatever… that CIA doesn’t know ….
I have a very unique name:
Call it my father’s patriotism (which comes from spending 32 years in the Indian Army) or my bad luck but my name represents four prominent religions of India – Parsee, Islam, Hinduism and Christianity. Jamshed is the Parsee & the Muslim bit. Velayuda is the Hindu part and Rajan, a Mallu Christian name. Am glad my father never forced me to wear his name ahead of mine. Otherwise, would not have written entrance exams for – PM-PD, AFMC, JIPMER, IIT-JEE – for the sole reason that the slot for the candidate`s name on the forms had only 28 squares but my name would have had 29 alphabets.
Chennai is but a small stop:
I have had a fairly easy life. From rajma-chawal of Jamshedpur to makki-di-roti and sarson-da-saag of Jalandhar to the kombidi-ka-piece of Kholapur to the mishti-doi of Kolkata, I have seen it all. Hoping to move ass soon.
I am a renowned two-timer:
Started it in the sixth grade. It was a lot easier then. Just that my Biology teacher K Geetakumari madam and the chirrupy class monitor Gitanjali never knew.
I have crossed swords with my father:
Once I was caught by my father with a love letter written for my class monitor Gitanjali. Convinced him that it was for the DD newsreader Geetanjali. The one who would alternate with Usha Alberquqe (the one who would eventually marry ‘Shaktiman’). Did not know then that she was my father`s crush too, for I got a good spanking for trespassing.
I thought I was a scientist:
My love for science made me think I was destined to be a scientist. I know it is hard to believe but once I had my own laboratory. It had different kinds rock, plastics, glass pieces, leaves and what not. I even had a microscope made of a shoe-box, a hollow aggarbati pipe and a broken 100 watts bulb filled with water. I would even embark on one of those walks of self-discovery because I was told that`s what scientists did. Stay aloof.
I have always taken risks:
When in ninth grade, I remember taking two aluminum wires and inserting one end of both in the two holes of a electrical socket and immersing the other two ends in a steel jar filled with water. The idea was to heat the water. The experiment ended with a blast when the main fuse of a 12-storied building that housed 48 houses went off minutes before Chitrahaar was due.
I studied Economics coz I wanted to ape Manmohan Singh:
I took to BA Economics after failing the PMPD entrance exam twice. I would go on to score 94 per cent in the first year and set a university record. Would blame it on Manmohan Singh, who had that year been named ‘Asian Finance Minister of the Year’ (think it was 1995).
I F*@^ up:
When in college I was blinded by love. Ended up giving a love letter intended for Shalini Mohan to her sister Sunita Mohan (names changed to preserve the identity of the girls). When last heard Shalini was spanked and the sisters had ceased to be friends. The letter came back, but the Amul chocolate (a gift for someone you love, I was told by a male model) is yet to come back. Don’t know which of the sisters had it.
I was the Library man:
In college, I would borrow huge colorful books because they helped me garner eye-balls in the bus. I would bring them back to the Library without reading. Incidentally, I was given the ‘Best Bookkeeper’ award. They thought I maintained them nicely.
Milkha Singh was my one-time hero:
Till I joined Sify, I was very much a sports person. I captained Tamil Nadu’s Kabaddi team to a tournament in Jaipur…where I would be selected to represent the country (School Games Federation of India). Later, I wanted to become a champion middle distance runner. I would practice night and day at the Race Course Athletics stadium in Madurai… until that fateful day when a man quite happy and gay walked up to me even as I was warming down and asked me if I was open to sexual experimentation.
Like I said, don’t form an opinion yet…I am yet to become India’s funniest writer.
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Jammy is online 18 hours a day. Call him on +919650080255 or chat with him on jv.rajan [@] gmail [.] com