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By Dave Barry

Dave Barry is a humor columnist. For 25 years he was a syndicated columnist whose work appeared in more than 500 newspapers in the United States and abroad. In 1988 he won the Pulitzer Prize for Commentary. Many people are still trying to figure out how this happened. I wonder how many of Ouchmytoe.com readers will like this Dave Barry column (written in 1994) because unlike Ouchmytoe, this calls for a bit of intelligence too.

Back in 1954, when the Russians were evil and I was a first-grader at Wampus Elementary School in Armonk, N.Y., the school authorities regularly conducted emergency drills wherein we students practiced protecting ourselves from nuclear attack by crouching under our desks. We’d hunker down there until Mrs. Hart gave us the word that the nuclear war was over, then we’d crawl back out and resume reading about the fascinating adventures of Dick and Jane. (”Ha!” said Dick. ”Ha ha!” said Jane. ”Ha ha ha!” said Dick. ”Ha ha ha ha” … etc.)

I understand this drill was conducted in many schools in the ’50s. Apparently the desks used in classrooms back then were made of an exceptionally missile-resistant variety of wood. During the Cold War years, I often wondered why it never occurred to our defense planners to protect the entire nation from nuclear attack by simply covering it, from sea to shining sea, with a huge Strategic Classroom Desk. More

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