Character certificates from Facebook

Two days back my wife called me when I was in office. I said, “Rekha, I am in a meeting. Can I call you back?”

“Sure.”

And after ten minutes she called me again. I cut the call and messaged her that I couldn’t talk since I was still in the meeting. She just SMS-ed an “OK”.

Character
After half an hour, she called again. This time I was angry and said, “Rekha…I am still in the same meeting. Don’t you understand, I am at work.”

My wife replied: “If you are in a meeting why are you commenting on your ex-girlfriend’s status updates?”

Damn! These Facebook newsfeeds. I muttered under my breath but only let out a “Hmm….”

“You have time for her, but not for me?”

“Hmmm…oh that? I was in a meeting….a boring one….so was just fiddling around with Facebook while the meeting was on.”

I waited long for a response. After a while she replied: “If the meeting was boring and useless, why not come out and talk to me?”

I tried to explain to Rekha that coming out of the meeting wasn’t a possibility but if she could come online I would be able to converse with her even if I was in a meeting. And for the sake of our four and a half year daughter Rhea, we agreed to disagree that this was the correct approach.

One thing is for sure, this Facebook is going to ruin my married life. But I am not worried much about that. I am more worried about all those boys-wanting-to-be-men who will be winding up their love affairs with a ‘it is not about you, it is about me’ comment and then start identifying the girl they want to marry and live a life with.

Facebook detectives investigators

I can almost foresee detective companies coming up which would specialize in Facebook investigations. Companies with tag lines such as ‘Helping find the Real Him via Facebook’ or ‘Saving girls from assholes, one asshole at a time’. Shop signs such as the one showed in the picture aren’t far away.

I can foresee the girls parents visiting a private detective firm titled ‘Fancy Facebook Investigators’ and having a conversation such as this:

“We are planning to have our girl married off to a boy from Delhi.”

“Sure. Let me know how we can help you.”

“The boy’s name is Prashant Saxena. And we want to find out if he is a good fit for our innocent daughter.”

“Hmm….do you know his Facebook ID?”

“Yes…our daughter has alreday started chatting with him. His ID is: prashant.sax.”

“And his email ID in Facebook?”

“His email ID is prashant.sax@gmail.com”

“Thank you. Consider your job done. We will need at least 15 days. If we find him not good for your daughter, we will not just give you the proof of his past but also generate proof in the present.”

“How much will this investigation cost us?” The cost concious lady of the house will speak up.

“Madam, just think about it for a while. How much will you be willing to give to ensure your daughter has a good married life?”

I won’t go into how much these detective agencies will charge the hapless parents, but they would make a killing for sure.

And once the parents exit the scene, one young trainee will be put on the job. He will immediately use one of his Girl IDs and send a friend request to Prashant.Sax. Being already deprived of Friend Invites from girls, the poor Prashant will will immediately accept it and fall into the trap.

Side Note: It would be great to find out what percent of the total friend invites sent out in Facebook every day are sent out by girls. I wouldn’t be surprised if it is only 1-2%. I am sure 98% of the Friend requests are sent out by the men. If there is a girl out there, the men will find her out and send her the request.

The young trainee will then go thro’ Prashant Saxena’s life history on Facebook and find out that he has changed his relationship status with different girls at least 3 times in the last four years. Based on the status updates and the comments, the young Trainee will also form a report on the kind of relationships Prashant Saxena has had with these three girls.

With the report in hand, he will go to his reporting manager to discuss the future action plan.

“Sir, Prashant Saxena has had three girl friends in the last four years. And they were all very intense relationships. Here is the report.”

The trainee’s reporting manager will go thro’ the report and finally look up and say: “This is proof of the past. We also need to prove that he hasn’t changed. Start chatting with him and get some proof of his intensions.”

“Will do sir. Just so you are aware I will be using either Priya Dixit’s or Neha Gupta’s profile for this assignment.”

“Sure. As you wish. You my man! Or should I say girl?!”

After the go ahead from his reporting manager the trainee will get onto the task of exposing Prashant’s present intensions.

This is how his initial chat conversations with Prashant start:

Priya Dixit: Hi Prashant

Prashant Saxena: Hi Priya, sorry but do I know you?

Priya Dixit: Hmmm….does that matter?

Prashant Saxena: Obviously not. It doesn’t matter but it helps.
(In such instances, a man is forced to take this stance. How many times in a lifetime does a man get a Hi from a girl anyway?)

Priya Dixit: You don’t know me. But I know you. I studied in the same college as you.

Prashant Saxena: Is it? How come we never met?

Priya Dixit: I was scared to approach you. You were so popular.
(Who doesn’t want to hear that he/she was popular in college)

Prashant Saxena: That I was. What did you study there?

Priya Dixit: I did BA Economics

Prashant Saxena: Wow. Where do you stay?
(For a man the territory is important. If there are little chances of meeting in person he won’t waste his time)

Priya Dixit: I stay in Noida. And I know you stay in Delhi….your FB profile says so.

Prashant Saxena: Yes, I stay in Delhi. Smart girl.
(A well-trained man knows that girls like to be called smart & beautiful)

Priya Dixit: Thanks. I was home alone and was getting bored so thought I might as well gather the courage to buzz you. Hope I am not disturbing me.

Prashant Saxena: No…no…not at all. In fact, I myself am bored.
(The logs in Facebook servers are proof that a man has never been too busy for a girl)

Priya Dixit: Thanks. You are a nice person.

Prashant Saxena: Thanks. Is that your real profile pic? You look pretty.

Priya Dixit: Yes of course. Why would I use somebody else’s pic?

Prashant Saxena: No just checking.

Priya Dixit: So…what else?

Prashant Saxena: What do you mean bored?

Priya Dixit: Ever since I have broken up with my boy friend three months back, life has become dull. No thrills.

Prashant Saxena: Ah! You have come to the right person. 😉

Priya Dixit: What???!! What do you mean?
(Real girls have to do this. After years of chatting a man starts suspecting if the girl comes easy)

Prashant Saxena: Was just saying that I know Delhi-NCR region in and out. So you have come to the right person.

Priya Dixit: Better. I thought you were meant something else…you know what I mean.
(During investigations, it is the job of the trainee to lure the man into the trap by giving enough hints)

Prashant Saxena: I know what you mean. But I generally go slow.

Priya Dixit: How slow?

Prashant Saxena: As slow as the girl wants.

The chats continue for around ten days and in these ten days Prashant Saxena starts feeling that he has known the girl for ages. And when in this comfort zone he commits the blunder.

After fifteen days, the Detective agency sends its report to the girl’s parents. This is how the report looks.

Facebook Investigations Report

Same day Prashant Saxena’s parents get a call from the girl’s parents that they aren’t interested in pursuing the relationship. Prashant is informed the moment he is back from office.

After dinner, a dejected Prashant logs on to Facebook and finds that Priya Dixit has removed him from her friend list. But wait….now Priya Dixit is friends with one of his Facebook friends and future brother-in-law Keshav Bajaj…..talks are on and Keshav might end up marrying his sister Deepika Saxena.

23 thoughts on “Character certificates from Facebook

  1. Though I get the pun, I wish agencies something like you mentioned really crop up!! :)

    I had been a witness, a pity though, of a couple of unhappy marriages myself because the girl’s parents hadn’t really cared inquiring about the guy!!

  2. Am a frequent reader of ur posts..most of them cool,this one is too good..FB currently is more of a mess,kinda givin all stupid infos,hilariously put, loved the intro,the investigation and the cool report :p
    Kudos Jammy!

  3. ha ha ha…. damnnn funny.
    specially the character report.
    an old saying “khaya piya kuch nahi, glass toda bara anna”
    bechara prasant..
    😀

  4. haha I love this post. If you all haven’t heard about the Annonymous hacker group, they plan on taking Facebook down in early November. It’s the persons responsibility for what info they put up, but even if you want to delete your facebook, it will remain on there for people to still be able to find if you are handy with a computer. Facebook really opened peoples’ lives like an open book!

  5. That was so hilarious, but I thought your daughter was four and a half. Why are you already checking for a guy for her. Now I am going to check if guys are not or are faithful and good peoople using detectors

  6. Have you copy-pasted the conversation from between Saxena and the ‘trainee’ from a real chat ? 😛 #justsaying. Or #justasking, rather.

  7. Very nicely written work. This is not only funny and interesting but also very informative too. In these days Facebook became a part of daily life. And it is causing a lot of problems too. In this very occasion this article is very useful to think about these thinks once again. Thank you very much for such an awesome post. Looking forward for more wonderful posts in future. All the very best. Keep going. :)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *