Circumstantial Conspiracy

[This was written two days ago but couldn`t be posted on this Funny Blog because Sify Broadband`s Customer Care couldn`t solve a Cablewala issue]

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It has been five days since we bought Suzuki Swift but I am yet to take it to office. Rekha has already taken it to her office and that is eating me up from within.

As I said earlier, Khivraj Motors conspired and delivered the car only at 5.45 p.m.. on last Thursday. Even if I had immediately rushed to the office, 90 per cent of my colleagues would not have been there. Those who would be there would be the ones that don`t know to say ‘No` – thus not worthy enough for somebody from the Rajan family. In case you haven`t realized it yet, we Rajans specialize in saying ‘No`. You could say that we have it in our genes. As of now I even have my car key in my jeans.

On Friday morning 4.30 a.m. Rekha broached the topic. I was sleeping but she woke me up and asked: “So, who is taking the car to office?”

“I am,” I said. Not yielding ground even when half asleep.

“That`s not fair. I challenge you to a duel. The last man standing…I am sure it will be a woman…can take the car to office.”

My wife seemed pretty confident. For a moment I thought she had gotten up early, made herself some tea to gain mental and physical strength and then woken me up. But her unkempt hair (the first thing she does after getting up is walk up to the mirror) and her oily face were proof that she had gotten up only then.

In the last 18 months of our marriage we hadn`t run into arguments (mostly because I accepted defeat before she raised her voice) and the last duel I remember was before we had gotten married. I remember, she had said she won`t let me ask her father for dowry …and I was insisting that I will not marry her until there was a good amount of dowry delivered. Rekha had won the duel because I had forgotten to wear my glasses and anyway, back then I was a little slow with swords and shields.

This was the second time Rekha had challenged me to a duel. I stared at her. She stared back. I knew she meant business.

“Anything for a car is it?” I asked. She nodded.

Being a husband gets tough when one`s wife stops speaking. When she speaks…all one has got to do is ignore her. That`s not possible when one`s wife resorts to nodding. So I responded to Rekha`s nodding with aggression: “So where is the duel?”

“In the kitchen. This time we are married and we can`t injure each other and get away with it,” Rekha said.

“So…?”

“So, we will have an arm-wrestling match.” She seemed confident.

That was a very good move by Rekha. Perhaps she came to know of my visits to the sword fighting school being run by Shaktiman`s younger brother Swordsman in Nungambakkam, Chennai…and realized that challenging me to sword fight wasn`t a good idea.

We settled down on the kitchen-counter and locked our hands. She stared right into my eyes…and I right into hers. She tried to distract me using methods only girls can master, but I didn`t fall for it. As a last ditch effort she even cried that her hand hurt…but I didn`t listen. I won. It is another thing that she has her right hand in a sling now.

After I won, she became very apologetic. She agreed than men were more powerful. Like the good wife that she sometimes is…she made tea. I tasted odd. I even remember asking her if she had changed the tea from Red Label to Lipton.

I don`t know what happened after I drank the tea. I got up at 3.00 p.m. in the afternoon in the kitchen, lying beside the LPG Cylinder. I had a throbbing headache…as if I had just drank 25ml of Harpic. I looked around and my mobile phone was blinking…it had a message from Rekha. It read: “Sorry. Tried to wake you but you started sleeping after tea. Have taken the car and. Now in office. Will meet at 7 p.m.. Love you – your sweetheart.”

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