I always wanted to be somebody in life. Somebody big and famous…somebody people rushed to meet…somebody people wrote to…basically somebody big. But I guess I should have been more specific in my prayers for God made me a funny blogger. Barring a few incidents here and there (mostly with credit card companies where I had failed to re-pay the dues), no one chased me.
There were a few mails from here and there but they were all from 60 years-plus-old-men & women, who when the newspapers didn`t publish their Letters to the Editor, wrote to me. It was their revenge towards the Times of Indias, The Hindustan Times & The Hindus (Sometimes, I wonder why we don`t have a newspaper called – The Muslims!).
It was during one such summer that I received a mail from a Gurgaon girl asking for blog post dedicated to her on her birthday. Over the next three years these requests would continue and lead to three different blog posts – all on her birthday, Jan 31 (I can`t give you the year…but its 20th century for sure). Here are the posts:
If you are a girl, you are probably wondering how a girl can get in touch with a complete stranger…that too online? Trust me it is safer than going to a pub in Mangalore. If you are a gentleman, you are probably wondering, “Wow…Jammy is so lucky. Girls contact him.”
Not really. You probably think being a humor blogger is great. Perhaps, I have to tell you what happened when we this Gurgaon girl and I first met – in Kentucky Friend Chicken, Gurgaon. Mind you, I hadn`t seen her before and she had only seen pictures of mine taken when I was young and dare I add, handsome.
“Hey, I am looking for an amateur humor blogger. And you look like one….no offence…ok…just checking if you are the blogger I am supposed to meet.”
“I am sorry. Don`t think I am the person you looking for. I am not an amateur.” An indignant me responded.
“You sure seem like you would be 165 cms tall. Can you stand up?”
“Hey listen girl…nobody measures me. Why don`t you wait for this stupid amateur blogger to turn up and leave me alone.”
We both waited for an hour before better sense prevailed and I walked up to her and said, “So, what is this amateur humor blogger`s url?”
“Ouchmytoe.com…why do you ask?”
Anyway, the point is…being a humor blogger isn`t great. You get insulted at every sentence of yours. It is like being a Himesh Reshammiya – kids, women & men make fun of you knowing fully well that you have been giving only hits!
Anyway, so this Gurgaon girl, who is now married and stays in Mumbai called me a few days back and said: “Hope you haven`t forgotten that my birthday is coming up.”
“Who is this and when is your birthday?” I fingered my glasses higher up my nose bridge.
“Ohh yeah. But you definitely don`t sound like Justin Timberlake!”
(Just in case you didn`t know Justin Timberlake celebrates his birthday on Jan 31 – of every year)
Finally, I recognized the voice and told her that I won`t be able to write a blog post on her birthday. I tried to reason out – wouldn`t a fourth post on a single girl upset the other ladies reading this blog? Moreover, she was now married and I had to tread carefully.
“Ohh come on. This would only mean more publicity. My husband would also read and he would also forward the post to his friends – more publicity!”
Before I kept the phone down, I did manage to tell her that I didn`t consider my obituary appearing in the newspaper as publicity.
The determined girl called me again.
“I want you to write a blog post on me, on my birthday – I have so gotten used to it in the last three years!”
I tried to explain it to her that she was being unreasonable. When my persuasion skills failed, I tried to use a story that always works: “Dear girl…you can`t always hope for everything in life. When I was a kid….I wanted to own a nice set of Reebok shoes….my father couldn`t afford it…and naturally I was really frustrated. It was then, that I saw a man without legs…and realized that while I was worried about not having Reebok shoes for my feet…there were people who didn`t have feet to wear shoes.”
Without batting an eye lid, she shouted over the phone: “But if he didn`t have feet to wear shoes…you could have borrowed his shoes. What use were they to him, anyway?”
So, ladies & gentlemen…here goes the forth free birthday post – with the promise that this will be the last one. As I said earlier…I don`t want free publicity.