Did you know NASA has decided to send me to the moon? I know you probably wonder why NASA would want to do that ….well, they sent a monkey in the 70s…didn`t they?
And anyways, there aren`t too many honest men with nothing to lose, and with a heart that beats for the others. Just that in my case, NASA doesn`t know that my heart beats for that Gayathri, who lives down the lane.
To cut the long story short, a month back NASA was in India scouting for its ‘Piss on the Moon` program …oops…sorry ‘Miss on the Moon` program. They were looking for people who were intelligent, physically fit, emotionally balanced, psychologically well-placed and …good looking too.
More than a Lakh people had applied for the job of a lifetime…but the shrewd NASA recruiters cut that down by half by asking the bachelors to leave. Later the chief examiner said: “Those that are not married are not emotionally balanced….or shall we say are not emotionally hardened. And anyways they are always running after girls…unlike the married, who have given up.”
They then asked us if we wore the pants at home. That is if we had control over our respective wives at home. I said yes…and so did 25,000 other men. The rest 24,999 were asked to leave. Now we were only 25,001. When we asked why we had been selected over the others, the chief examiner said: “Only an intelligent man will know how to tackle a lady, and yet not antagonize her.”
Next they conducted various tests on us. They made us run and they made us lift and they made us jump…being married men…we all were physically fit. One could also blame it on the non-vegetarian food (read worm-infested) our wives were feeding us daily. In this category we had intense competition…but as they say…when a man has to go a man has to go. After the physical test, only 10,000 of us remained. As the post-exam analysis the chief examiner would say: “Most men try to be in shape to be on their wives radar. If that cannot be motivation enough for a man to stay fit…there is nothing else that can motivate him. Not even a trip to the Moon.”
From the 10,000 the NASA people wanted to select the top five. I was all ready for the challenges. As you might me aware, I am quite a challenge-loving guy. So much so, most of my friends say that I am challenged one way or the other.
As part of the psychological test they asked us five questions. Based on my answers I was selected as one of the five candidates who would vie for the single spot on a shuttle to moon. Here are the five questions and my answers –
Q: Who cooks at home?
A: Does that matter?
Q: Your wife scolds you, how will you react?
A: Stay calm.
Q: Your in-laws come? Do you stay at home or show your anger by coming home late?
A: Pour my father-in-law a drink in the evening. Buy my mother-in-law some rasgullas. Bite my tongue and pray for their quick exit.
Q: You have to dry your wives clothes but your male friends are standing under your balcony. What will you do?
A: One option is wait till they leave or till it gets dark. The other is to pretend as if Bahadur Shah Zafar used to wash clothes for his wife and go and dry them.
Q: What is maturity?
A: The ability to take a belan on your chin and yet not refuse dinner.
Now that I was one of the five people selected for the ‘Miss on the Moon` program…I was very excited. Our next test was simple…we had spelling contest…I won because in the tie-breaker they asked us to spell ‘Cinnamon` and nobody else knew.
I was really excited. I had been selected for the ‘Miss on the Moon` program. I would have loved better if it was ‘Piss on the Moon` program…I have always wanted to.
Even as I was wondering who the ‘Miss` in the program will be – Angelina Jolie or Sushmita Sen – the chief examiner announced: “Congrats, you have been selected. You now officially qualify for the ‘Miss on the Moon` program. You will have to take your wife along!”