I have been searching for a house in Gurgaon for the whole of last week.
While searching for my abode, I have been made to dwell and eventually believe that in Gurgaon…there are no quarters taken and no given. Perhaps that`s why in the last couple of days I have accommodated a third man (my real estate broker) in my life. I have been so accommodative that the broker has found a permanent residence in me – like a Hanuman inside Ram.
If only you had been a little alert you would have noticed that I have been thinking of ‘house` even while typing the last paragraph. Check out some of the words used in the last para – abode, dwell, quarters, accommodated, and residence!
In the last one week, I have realized why the real estate agents are called ‘Brokers` – because they break your confidence. And since you realize the truth only after the deed (not the house deed, stupid) is done, you refer to them in past tense – “brokers”.
The good thing about joining a start-up is that most of your colleagues are starting off too. Tarun – my colleague – has just finished flirting with the brokers. The man from Ambala has been my guide in my mouse…eerrr…house hunt.
I have been as careful as a Florence Nightingale going to fight the plague (I know Nightingale didn`t fight plague!) but still haven`t met success.
“Can I be harsh and mean with the brokers?” I asked Tarun.
“These guys will show you a finger and walk off,” he responded and continued banging on his keyboard.
“If they are such compulsive show offs, why don`t they show me a house and walk off? I can save on the broker charges.” The innocent Jammy questioned.
Apparently, curiosity doesn`t help in real world and all I got from Tarun was a stare and a sharp pencil thrown at me.
Free stationary at office is a real boon,
It turns everybody into a goon.
– Jammy, Bard of Oven (or was that Bard of Avon?)
As I was saying, the brokers have made my life miserable. When I came to Gurgaon, Rekha and I had decided we would take up a house for Rs 15,000/- per month. Now, our budget is beyond the clouds (at Rs 18,000 per month) and we are still looking.
It is not that I just engaged the brokers and didn`t any hard work myself. So far I have seen four houses.
It is not that I didn`t like any of the four houses, I liked one. Just that the broker showing me the house described each room in such a way that I was emotionally scarred for life.
Here are the words used to describe each room, being produced verbatim –
Living Room – “Sir jee, a big living room. If you don`t want your colleagues to be coming home, but can`t refuse…you can send them off from this room itself. Besides, it is airy enough to be slept in on fight-with-your-wife days.”
Bedroom – “You are saying you have a kid…then why do you require a bedroom sir? I am married and have a kid…trust me…those good old days are gone. What if this bedroom is small…I am sure you are not going to play hide and seek here…or are you?”
Study Room – “Sir, this is that peaceful corner that I would prefer when my in-laws are visiting. On an average how long do your in-laws stay per visit? I heard durations are longer when the in-laws come in from far off places…like Kerala for example? Is that true?”
Washroom – “Sir, pleag don`t get me wrong…but I heard you talking to your wife. Looks like you don`t have the permission to smoke in your house. That`s why I think you are going to love this washroom….its got a ventilator too, so that you don`t choke in the smoke.” (I didn`t tell him, that one can never choke on one`s joke…and one`s smoke. Poetic huh?).
Kitchen – “Sir jee, don`t even bother. It is like a gamble…your wife might like it or not. But will that change your life in anyway? No na?”
Servant`s Quarters – “Sir, koi miss-trez hai kya aapke paas? Make her your servant and she will serve you like a King. Imagine having your own sweet little harem!”
The broker`s utility description of the servant quarters was where I snapped. I couldn`t take it any longer…I was now pissed…and walked away. How could he even think that I would make Priyanka a servant?
By the way, my wife Rekha is celebrating her birthday tomorrow (July 5)…any CHEAP gift ideas?