Sound Advice

If you are married, you probably don`t sleep. And if you do manage to, you are probably pinched all night on your inner thigh (ouch, that hurt!) to keep you awake because when you sleep, you snore and that keeps your wife awake.

In the first month of our marriage, I wouldn`t walk properly in the mornings. My inner thighs were sore with red pinch-marks.

Confused? Don`t be. It is simple logic. Men snore and agree. Women snore, but don`t agree and make a big fuss about their husband`s orchestra.

In the initial days of our marriage Rekha would not disturb me, and I would have a real sound sleep. Most satisfied men tend to snore and I guess my high-decibel activity did not go well with my wife. Whenever it reached a crescendo, she would pinch and wake me up, and the decibel levels would come down. The whole cycle would repeat itself soon enough.

I snore. Priya, Nivedita, Rajalakshmi, Geeta and Pratima are testimony to it (Names have been changed to ensure privacy of these pretty girls). Once, our deaf and half-dead neighbor also complained. On second thoughts, Rekha has also warned me about it.

She had said: “Guess what, I did not sleep the whole of last night.”

“I knew it! You were watching a movie without me!” I exclaimed.

“No stupid. You kept snoring and the whole night and I felt I was at The Phantom of the Opera.”

“Hoo…cool. That`s a nice show.” I try to dodge her barbs.

“I know, but cannot you bring down the volume? She asks..or rather pleads.

“Sure I will,” I say even though I had wanted to say: “Sure…honey, But I am not able to reach for the snore-volume knob…could you please help me out.”

Sleeplessness can drive people crazy. Before the first month of our marriage came to an end, Rekha had started acting crazy.

She visited a local homeopath to buy a snore-remover medicine. It looked like coarse sand..actually I can swear in any court that it WAS actually sand, used in construction works. The homeopath had charged Rs 200 and given 20 grams of sand to Rekha.

The instructions were simple, I was supposed to mix sand in neem juice and gulp it down. Little did Rekha knew that sand doesn`t mix in neem juice, but that did not stop her from pouring it down my food pipe. I cried hoarse, but my wife who had full faith in the homeopath conman, would not believe me.

Last week, I had my fifth snore-stopping medicine – the residue of a dirty burnt-out handkerchief mixed with curd with a dash of turmeric. Whatever happened to common sense?

The good thing is, now that Rekha is at fault (five of her medicines failed to take affect), I can snore at will.

Now, that`s something not all husbands have the privilege of!