The art of swearing unnoticed

“My grandma`s little brownie ass,” said a friend trying to control his anger.

“What?” I expressed my shock as much with the way I uttered the word, as with my contorted facial expression.

My friend would later explain that in order to be regarded as a gentleman in the office he had stopped swearing. Whenever he couldn`t control his impulses, he would come up with funny yet meaningful phrases. Whenever he wanted to say “What the F$#@?” he would end up saying “My grandma`s little brownie ass.”

Swearing is good for healthI have taken to the habit and regularly use the word “fudge.” Need I tell you my favourite swear word?

Sitting between eight lady colleagues (five of them unmarried) adds to the problem. Mind you I was given that place, I didn`t pick it. Interestingly, when I was allotted this place there were only two girls around me…but in the last one year the crowd has grown to eight. So much so, the guys in my office hate me and don`t invite me to the men-only parties….thinking I will share their secrets. Some Victoria`s Secrets, they must be.

My favorite swear sentence is: “I am going to kick the f*&^ing shit out of you, till you start blowing snot bubbles, you little piece of dog shit.”

Two of my Canadian friends – Jaron Rovensky and Justin Hughes – taught me the sentence in 1997. After they had helped me memorize the line, I had to practice the delivery in front of the mirror. I felt like Amitabh Bachchan practicing the Mere Paas Maa Hain line in the Hindi movie Deewar. The last time I used the line in public, Rekha had to take leave and stay with me in Malar Hospital in Chennai for a week.

While in college, “ass” used to be my favorite swear word. That is, till I used it on my phonetics professor. He was scolding me for scoring badly in phonetics (all those who failed that class turned out to be better writers) and I muttered “What an ass?!”

My professor was mighty upset. He wouldn`t let me go, till I had pronounced the word “ass” right three times in a row. He then went on to tell me that ass wasn`t the right word to be used in class…and gave me other synonyms I could use (backside, behind, seat, tail end, hind quarters, rear end, posterior etc).

My next brush with an anti-swear person was when I met Father Francis. He was an innocent man who believed in the ways of God. Once I was dropping Father Francis, who was clad in his whites, on my bike. Just before we reached the church…another biker splashed muddy water (I forgot to tell you, it had rained the previous day) over his whites. It was nice to see the calm exterior which the father displayed and said: “Go multiply!”

After the sermon was over, I asked the Father, “Why did you say ‘Go multiply`?

“My son, I can`t afford to use the words you use….so I have coined my own. I use ‘Go multiply` whenever I have to say ‘Go, F*$# yourself!”

While talking of swearing, how can I miss out on this old uncle of mine, who happens to be a true Gandhi fan. Inspired by the Mahatma, he had given up lies and swearing when he was only 10. While he went on to join politics and make it big…he never became a minister. The reason: He hated the swearing in ceremonies.

I swear these are good reads

The receptionist was a lady and I swear she gave me a smirk
I can swear in any court against my wife
When I mistook somebody to be my college friend
My wife is really selfish

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15 thoughts on “The art of swearing unnoticed

  1. Being an accountant, fudging is not a new term to me, but well, you have really taught me a new meaning to it.. fudging numbers… i swear that i shall never do it again..

  2. Nice post at least you skip Rekha this time. I don’t have much of English words but in Hindi there are plenty of. Like Bhensh (buffalo) ki tang, maa ki ankh. Have you noticed that person use to call each other Gan*%$u and Ch&%$a. More difficulty word more closeness, more intimate. So it is not that always these word have bad meaning some times its use for showing how much you like other person. Got it Cho&%$??

  3. and i beleive swearing in hindi makes more impact than english. i tried my hands in english for sometime but could never convey my ‘feelings’ truly to the other party. needless to say i am back to hindi and satisfied.

    a tip here: whenver u feel u r short of new words.. do try to spend some time with the kids. trust me it’ll greatly enrich ur vocab.

  4. Ramadas: “flocci­nauci­nihili­pilification”

    Is that English’s longest word? Or the longest swear word in Swahili?

  5. Arun: Ah…talk of professional hazards. Wonder what will happen if you wanted to say the four letter word in office and instead ended up saying “fudge” and your team member actually goes ahead and fudges the figures….?

    Will you be arrested and jailed?

  6. Bobby: The funny part? Thats fudging missing out of this post! I swear I tried every bit to make this funny but the darn article just refused.

  7. Rakesh Bhandari: I agree with you abt Hindi swear words. They are more colorful and needless to say the first words learnt when a south indian lands in the north.

  8. wrongone: I totally agree. Since expressions on the face during delivery is also important….I wonder if we can say good swearing is in independent of language. Again…yes…kids can be a great source for such words coz they have better exposure.

  9. Something I remember mom saying from the time I was a little girl to avoid swearing:

    “Cod, Ham, Cheese & Rice, Fork in Basket”

    you have to sound it out a bit, but I’m sure you can come up with the curses that it represents… especially if you say it fast! If not, do let me know 🙂 I’d be happy to tell you.

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