Being a born-again bachelor is fun & funny

There is nothing like sipping white wine in the afternoon, content in the thought that the previous day`s pizza which is now in the refrigerator….is next in line. Any other day I would have preferred red wine. But why drink what you like when everything else in your life is going the other way?

Nah…I am just kidding. It isn`t that bad yet.

My wife has left me for a 45 day vacation. My girl friend will soon be leaving me for another guy. As for my daughter, she has forgotten that I exist. I am told in my daughter`s recently updated dictionary now “father” means the proud, plantain tree in the backyard of my father-in-law`s house. At least she got one bit right – the β€˜proud` bit.

For the last 15 days I have been staying alone in Gurgaon, and here is how I have progressed:

Day 1:
Wow! Free again! Man needs his time away from wife. One definitely can`t smile at all the nagging all the time. Four years of marriage is long. Marriage should be a year long contract to be renewed at the end of the expiry date. Each party should be able to pull out of the contract with one month advance notice. Disputes, if any should be settled in the jurisdiction of the Husband`s home town.

Day 2:
Is it OK to walk nude out of the washroom when you are dripping wet to pick up the towel drying on the treadmill? Where are my ironed clothes? Where is the magic cupboard from where ironed clothes keep coming out every day? Socks? Why are they so small…can`t we have bigger socks so that they don`t get lost? Can`t a single sock be made…so one isn`t left with one in hand and another God knows where?

Day 3:
The two utensils that can be used to make tea are in the sink. Can`t have tea. Is Pepsi a good supplement for tea? In MBA classes they did mention that nimbu pani, tea & lassi are Pepsi`s competitors! Ironed clothes are fast running out. Is ironing other`s clothes still a career option? Are people still doing it? Where do they stay…how do I find them?

Day 4:
Damn! Soap slipped and fell in the potty. I know there is unused soap in the house. Where is it? Idea…let me use the small soap I picked up from Land`s End in Mumbai when I stayed there for three days….six years back. Split between corn flakes & oats. Corn flakes wins because the only utensil in which oats can be cooked is in the sink.

Day 5:
Shoes are dirty. Where is the shoe brush? Can I use the tooth brush and wash it later? Who is gonna know? Where is the house key? If I didn`t bring it inside the house how did I get in? Did I leave a window open? If I left the windows open did the thieves get in before I did? Did they hide under the bed to avoid detection? And slid out of the house when I dozed off? Check if everything is in place….don`t know what is where…but my laptop is safe. They definitely didn`t walk away with the internet connection.

Day 6:
Should I take up dieting? Instead of saying I slept hungry coz there was no food it feels better to say I was dieting. On second thoughts….Is Corn Flakes a good meal for dinner? Maybe for dinner I can have corn flakes with curd. For breakfast it can be had with milk. Wow…a balanced diet.

Day 7:
There are no clean undies to wear. Wear them inside out? Will colleagues know? Not till the boss strips me pants down….and that`s not gonna happen. Some consolation that I am not superman…else dirty undies will show.

Day 8:
When the tomato sauce is over…. pizza goes well with mango pickle. Why do Indians eat pizzas with tomato sauce?

Day 9:
Started drinking a lot of water – drinking out of the pressure cooker helps. All glasses in the sink. Ants on white marble floor make a good sight. But where are they all rushing? What can be the hurry in a bug`s life?

Day 10:
Girl friend busy with boyfriend (which unfortunately isn`t me). She is also out of town, so phone calls are getting costlier. Enough. I am missing my family. Independence comes with a certain amount of problems – wonder if Gandhi & Nehru also felt the same way 10 days after Indian independence?

Day 11, 12, 13, 14 & 15 have been equally good (positive, aren`t I?). In short…I have run out of patience to complete this article…so here it ends.


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# Much married, much harried
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20 thoughts on “Being a born-again bachelor is fun & funny

  1. Hi Jammy,
    Absolutely hilarious blog.
    Well, my condition is also similar now that I am staying alone after 7 years of marriage.
    Keep them coming.
    Cheers,
    Salil

  2. dying for a change?

    If you feel hyper bored by being with a person (whomsoever it may be) hop to another…(pray to god to escape from broomstick slaps… if your wife is a ‘hyper’, reactions may vary :P)

    “Day 10:
    Girl friend busy with boyfriend (which unfortunately isnÒ€ℒt me). She is also out of town, so phone calls are getting costlier. Enough. I am missing my family.”

    Arey yaar! which family do you mean? you with your girlfriend or you with your wife… grr.. πŸ˜€

  3. Jammy,
    Have passed on your number to this friend in Jockey.
    If you can keep their banner ad on Ouch MY Toe, they have agreed to give you unlimited supply of undies.

    The Undie-ing spirit.

    Hope you fine with Jockey as long as its free.

    -Nikhil

  4. jammy…u r as good as me….i too am alone…but i dont know to put words like you do for others to know how we feel (i said i am not good in putting words like u)…coo one as usual

  5. Hey Jammy,

    I found this site through one of my net friend. I am so happy that I found this out. It is funny..

    You will become India’s funniest writer one day. πŸ™‚

    Saravanan.

  6. I was all set to handover my wife the tickets to India, thinking that I will have a gala time for next 2 months. But.. let me rethink..

  7. Well I have to say, that your posts r brilliant and amazing, and I loved this one!
    Have fun enjoying the remaining 30 days…n do post on how it went by..
    I guess the look on your wife’s face seeing the house, wen she is back…will be priceless!

  8. Hey came across this blog. Really funny posts πŸ™‚ Just one question though. I cant make out whether u do have a gf and a wife or are u just kidding?

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