In recent times SmartPhones are gaining ground. It is cool to flaunt a smartphone, and even cooler to try out various applications and talk/discuss about them.
Gone are the good old days when an application meant a means of siphoning off money from parents legally. “Mom, I have to submit an application for All India Pre-Medical Pre-Dental exam tomorrow, give me Rs 500.”
And she would. And she would follow it up with an extra Rs 50, for you to have lunch in case you got late standing in the line to submit the form. Not anymore.
“Have you tried that app yet?” I was asked.
“App? Whats that?”
“So, you don’t know apps? What phone do you use?”
“I use an Phone.”
“Jammy, you use an iPhone and haven’t tried a single app? That’s criminal…..if Steve Jobs knew he would have flown down to Gurgaon himself to flog you.”
“What is an app? And who is Steve Jobs?” I remember insisting.
“Well…an app is an app yaar. I can’t explain. Try it yourself.”
That’s when I went about trying Smartphone apps (or applications, however you call them). There are some really weird apps out there.
But here are a few I would have made on for iPhones, Android phones and Nokia’s Symbian phones if I were a Software Engineer.
Piss Me App
This app will be targeted at the youth, who want to play pranks on their friends. Once downloaded, the smartphone user will have to carefully pee into the small space in the phone to insert the charger and save up enough piss inside the smartphone. Once the target (read friend) is near, the smartphone user has to open the app, and just press a button called ‘Eject’. The moment this is done, the piss stored in the phone will sprinkle out of the hole meant to insert the headphones. Care should be taken to NOT point the hole for headphones at yourself while pressing the Eject button. This app also acts as a emergency toilet…..when you can’t find a nice, clean toilet (women have this problem a lot)…all you got to do is open the app, pee into the phone and store it till you reach a nice, clean toilet. Once inside, you can eject it into the toilet bowl. Bingo!
Am I married app?
This is an app that men who are confused whether they are married or not will use. Once installed, this app will run in the background – be it an iPhone, Android phone or a Symbian phone. This app works based on Sound decibels. Whenever the app catches high-pitched voice at high decibels nearby, the siren starts with a big, red ‘Careful, you are married!” message flashing across the screen. If the app spots high-pitched voice in soft decibels nearby, it the message reads “Careful. I don’t like the sound of this woman. Don’t marry her.” And if it spots heavy breathing by a woman nearby, it displays this message: “Oops! You had sex with her? Bad Dog! Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.”
Showoff Travel App
Once you download and install this app, you will have to connect your Facebook, twitter and any other Social networking accounts. And based on the travels of your friends in your social network, this app will automatically respond with your own travel itinerary. Don’t worry you don’t actually have to travel….this app will do everything for you. You may be in your office working the shit off your face but this app will automatically update “Just booked my flight tickets for Pataya.” After a few days it will follow up with “Pataya, I am coming”. On Friday in the evening, it would send an update: “Just landed in Pataya.” And over the weekend it will upload photos in your Facebook & Twitter profiles – photos that will look natural and would have been picked up from Google’s image search for Pataya. Since you won’t be in the pictures this app will also leave a description saying ‘Damn! People in Pataya don’t like taking pictures for others”.
Vacuum Cleaner App
How many times have you looked at your laptop or desktop and wondered “if only I had a small vaccum cleaner, I would suck all the dirt out of the keyboard”? Well, your wait is almost over for this app does exactly that. Once installed on your handset, there is a small button called ‘Start’…which when pressed, the phone starts sucking in the dirt. Remember to point the charging hole towards the dirt….you don’t want your nose hair to get sucked, do you? To complete the vacuuming experience there is also a ‘wife mode’ which when switched on makes the app say all things that a wife says when she vacuums even as the man watches sports on TV. Stuff like: “Can you stop watching TV and help me reach this cobweb?” or “Here, move this sofa around…will you?” or “if only I had married that guy my mother had found – the one from Pepsico company….I am sure he would have helped me during vacuuming.
The Aladdin App
For long, financial experts have been saying that the World Economy has been heading for recession, but nobody believed them. Until, one of the experts recently said that the World Economy is so bad that women have started marrying for love, AGAIN. Primarily because they know that with the bad state of the economy, there is no marrying for money. This Aladdin app taps just this need of the women. Once installed, this app acts like your genie. It wouldn’t do anything but talk…and talk in such a way that the girl you are with thinks that like Aladdin, you also have within your control a genie who can give you money, palaces, food, clothes, lipsticks, shoes etc. All you have to do is activate it before walking towards the girl and the app does the rest. If you tell the girl: “Hey, come lets visit a restaurant.”……the app will butt in and say: “My Master, why do you have to go to the restaurant….what do you want…tell me…I will get it here.” That’s when like that true boy who wants to live off his own earnings you will look into your phone and whisper: “No genie….I want to buy my girl lunch from my earnings.”
This whisper needs to be low enough to sound genuine and loud enough for the girlfriend to hear. After saying this to your genie (or app), remember to cover your mobile with your hands, and then whisper to your girlfriend: “Don’t tell anybody, but I have a genie trapped inside my mobile.”
Any more app ideas that you have?