The other day I started off: “By the way, did you hear that Sardarji joke about ….”

Before I could reach the subject, Dia had pinched me in the forearm, and Sunandini had stamped my toes. I didn’t take the hint.

“Come on guys…have you heard that Sardarji joke or not?” I inquired.

This time I noticed Sashwat making faces – I couldn’t understand what he was trying to convey. But there was a certain amount of urgency….he seemed so much in pain that I asked him again: “What is the matter? Why are you nodding your head so vigorously?”

He didn’t answer…and excused himself. In the next 3 seconds or was it 4…everybody fled from the scene. Just then, a six and a half footer sardarji got up from his cubicle and asked: “So, you were saying?”

I don’t know why…but my trousers felt warm. I stood there for a while…and after the carpet had soaked up the discharge I walked back to my cubicle.

On advice from Uma, I have now re-phrased the first line of my sardarji jokes to: “By the way, have you heard that joke about a Madrasi …”

Aryans vs Dravidians

Whenever my history teacher told me that the North Indians were Aryans and the South Indians Dravidians, I didn’t trust her. Probably because she was a North Indian….but now I trust her completely.

On my first day here, the guest house keeper gave me chapattis and mango pickle. When I asked him if I will get any Sambar, he just looked at me as if I was asking him about Polonium. Not one to take it lying down, I asked the guest house keeper for some variety the next day. So, on day two…it was Chapatti with curd.

I have been here for a week now, and every day in the morning, afternoon and dinner there is chapatti and nothing else.

I think this is the right time to apologize to the ace film-maker Manmohan Desai. I didn’t believe him when his 1977 film titled Dharam Veer started with a scene wherein Daram Singh (Dharmendra) and Veer Singh (Jeetendra) are on their white horses (isn’t white supposed symbolize good?) and their mother throws a freshly made roti at them. The two brothers catch the hot chappati, tear it and stuff it into their respective mouths and then ride away into the jungle. I now completely trust Manmohan Desai’s film making abilities – if the movie had been shot any other way, people wouldn’t have been able to associate with it.

Another thing I have noticed is that, here everybody has “Balle…Balle” songs as caller tunes. When I was back in Chennai, some had carnatic music…some had Hindustani…and some had English songs as their caller tunes…but here everybody has “Balle…Balle” songs. Wonder why.

Don’t trust me? Call 09971996581…and find out. That’s my Gurgaon number!

PS: If you are a North Indian, and want to issue a fatwa against me (Do North Indians issue fatwas?) please spend a week in Chennai before you sign the orders. Please.

Other Funny Reads

# When I was the villain
# Platonic relationships
# Different types of fathers in law
# Letters to the Editor
# Rekha is no longer my better half!
# Mother in law vs daughter in law

What is unique about these sentences?

Osama: Why did you have to arrest me?

Batman: If I didn’t, Superman would have and I didn’t want DC Comics to make all the money.

Osama: So it is all about money.

Batman: Of course yes. Why do you ask?

Osama: I am surprised. I never killed for money.

Batman: I am not surprised. Different people have different passion.

Osama: What do you mean?

Batman: Take George Bush for example. Why do you think he has blood on his hands?

Osama: Why?

Batman: No wonder you got arrested. It is for ‘oil’ you dumbo.

Osama: What will he do with all the oil?

Batman: Like Gotham city, everything in America also runs on oil and Bush just wants to make sure that his country has enough till they can tap Nuclear energy.

Osama: Why doesn’t he just buy all the oil? America is rich…aren’t they?

Batman: That’s what you think. On Valentine’s day this year, America’s total debt was $ 8,209,586,113,365.

Osama: You must be kidding.

Batman: I am not. In the jail, once you get Internet facility, try out this website: http://www.publicdebt.treas.gov

Osama: Will do. Are you telling me that Bush’s America is actually an imperialist country?

Batman: You could be right.

Osama: I am confused. If all you have said is true…why have I been arrested? Isn’t Bush a bigger terrorist than I am?

Batman: Can’t comment. My Batmoile is bugged and my phone is being tapped. Bush’s orders you see.

Yesterday, the star was convicted of poaching endangered Indian gazelles - a crime done almost a decade ago. Unfortunately, the watchman of the guest house where Salman stayed during the ‘shoot-out’ has also been sentenced to one year RI. What could the poor guy have done? When Salman Khan wanted to shoot a buck …he wanted to shoot a buck. The irony of the whole thing is the watchman would have thought he could make a ‘buck’ or two helping out Salman.

Apparently the laws in India are stacked against the human beings. Take for example the Jessica Lal murder case in which all the nine accused are still happy and gay. At this rate, very soon human beings will be endangered. Honest human beings are anyway endangered. Last time I visited a zoo, I saw a sign post “Honest Human Being” and inside the cage was a Khadi clad 80-year-old man.

Salman’s nemesis has finally caught up with him. Or has the media finally caught up with him? He has always been on the wrong side of the media ever since roughing up a few journalists in 2001. The actor did try and argue in the court (not a tennis court, stupid) that he was under the impression that a stunt scene from a movie was being shot, but it didn’t hold water.

Later, he would split up with Aishwarya Rai. Back then Vivek Oberoi was the apple of Aishwarya Rai’s eyes. Last heard, the apple had rotten and the beauty queen had bought a new apple (Abhishek) and kept him in cold storage. Why are we not hearing anything about their impending marriage?

Even if we ignore the recorded conversation between Salman and Aishwarya which rocked the country (Salman went to the extent of saying he knew of the Mumbai blasts before hand), we can’t ignore his Land Cruiser trip which ended with the killing of a few poor, not-so-important people. Some argue on his behalf that he has his own ways of controlling population. A few others say by keeping his shirt on and minding his manners, he can cut down on population.

Coming back to the laws of the land…I think we need somebody as determined as Maneka Gandhi to fight for human beings and their rights

To know more about the movie we saw….check out Rekha’s Blog &read the review.

The movie is all about a young Jehangir (Akbar’s son) falling in love with Anarkali, a dancer at the court. And the repercussions.

There are instances in the movie, where Jehangir, blinded by his love for Anarkali agrees to leave all his birthrights (like the crown, kingdom, harem etc) and face death by cannon shot. Such sacrifice for the sake of silly love made interesting viewing.

Rekha and I would look at each-other and cuddle whenever a very emotional Dilip Kumar or a sentimental Madhubala delivered a line on what ‘true’ love was. And I would feel a special warmth in Rekha’s embraces. She was running temperature, perhaps.

Made me wonder if I would go the same distance for Rekha. Definitely not. I would not even share my All-Out mosquito-repellent, leave alone abdicating my throne.

Till the interval, I thought Akbar’s son was Shah Jahan. During my history classes, all I could do was concentrate on my pretty teacher – Ms Nivedita Bedi and dream of starting my own dynasty.

Lack of knowledge, made me take the hero’s love affair lightly…coz I thought…anyways this bugger is going to fall for Mumtaz Mahal again and build a Taj Mahal for her. So whats all this fuss about missing Anarkali.

During the interval, I saw one gentleman explaining the Mughal Dynasty using five medium-sized popcorn cones, to his son. Each cone represented one Mughal King - Babur, Akbar, Jehangir, Shah Jahan and Aurangazeb. Now, I knew my history…and was better placed to understand and empathize with Prince Jehangir.

Rekha cried during the movie. Since, all this while I had been projecting myself as a metrosexual, I was forced to cry. Am glad they switch off the lights while screening the movies.

As I was saying, the movie went well…but I can never take a cannon shot for Rekha. A shot of tequila? Yes.

Besides being a romantic, the movie has doses of subtle comedy…in short an enjoyable mix.

If my word does not count…it was nominated for ten Oscars. Click Here to know more.

Believe me..I would never have written about this darn movie, if I had time to write something better. Marriage does bring its set of problems. I am already suffocating…gasp..gasp…

Funny, how certain sounds, certain smell or for that matter certain words take you back to the past and make you feel miserable about your present.

Funny again, how the tastes of people differ. I loved the movie …but it bombed at the box office. Looks like I am not the average Joe. Thats some icing…

The theatre would run movies like My Tutor, The Excellent Companion, For Your Sake, Let Us Do it…and many more such wacky titles. The show would start at 10.30 a.m. every Sunday and would go on for an hour. There would be an interval half way through the movie. Nobody would last the full hour. Later I would come to know that it is called, staying power.

Initially, I was hesitant coz I was scared of all my relatives who lived in the area. But advice from a friend in need solved the issue. He said, “Boss, if anybody close enough asks you what you doing in the theatre, just throw back the same question.”

His suggestion came as Manna from heaven and I became a regular. Pity they did not have membership cards. But, if you are a student I suggest you do not go to that theatre coz there are no student discounts.

Soon, my area friends realized I was missing out on all the badminton and cricket they would start off early on Sunday mornings. The curious cats they were, one by one…the whole gang joined me at the theatre, every Sunday. Our parents never really wanted us to roast in the sun and were only glad to note our absence from the play field.

The movies were never hard-core pornos. They would be regular English movies that failed to get the production money …peppered with maybe one reel of porn appearing on the screens…all of a sudden…and from God knows where.

Most of these movies had Sean Connery in the lead. Needless to say, we thought Sean Connery was actually `Scene` Connery!

It is another thing that the three pretty ladies never knew that I existed.

Only one grudge, my cousin who is seven years old says he likes FTV.

Who says we are not smart enough to envisage our own Titanic filiming near the Bombay High. Afterall, glamour is our lifeblood and films our bloodbanks!

The heroine was pretty. The hero was a male version of Preety Zinta - chubby and energetic. And the movie was colorful. But that was all I could gather from the 22 reels showed to me.

When translated into English the movie meant - Two eyes. Ironically, that was exactly what it meant to me - visuals. Mere visuals, and nothing else.

I sat there like a just born baby, just going through the motions. I didnot understand the language being used. The elders went about their job. A few laughed, a few cried, but it meant nothing to me. I was straight faced. Atleast till they announced the interval.

Yeah, Right!

Well, Ram Gopal Varma is the director of the Hindi movie Bhoot. And Ron Howard directed the Oscar winning English movie - A Beautiful Mind. Still confused? Let me explain.

A fortnight back I had seen this amazing horror movie called Bhoot. The movie was nice, and screenplay even better, and to tell you the truth, Urmila was the best part of the movie.

Her glances, her stares even her blinking of the eye….my my….I would never be wed to a girl as scary as her.

Anyways, to cut the long story short, I saw the movie, and returned home. Now, I stay alone in my house, and this meant I started seeing Manjeet (a Punjabi girl, who is wronged by Fardeen Khan in Bhoot) and sometimes even Urmila.

When I cooked, when I washed…even when I read, I could feel a shadow right behind me. It was scary business.

I sought advice from friends like Rekha & Kennedi …but to no avail.

This meant I started spending less and less time in my house, and whenever I went there, I saw these apparitions.

And then, it happened one day… without my knowledge. I saw Manjeet looking at me as I was having my dinner, but I just ignored her. I kept on eating.

Guess what, I was turning into John Nash (played by Russel Crowe in the English movie - A Beautiful Mind).

Remember the movie? Where Russel Crowe would see characters that didnot exist, but would learn to live with them.

Even as I write this, I can see Manjeet sitting my side. She is looking at the TV….I think it is a promo for Bhoot on MTV. …….