My apologies. This post should have been up by 8 a.m. today but got delayed because of my divorced, dentist neighbor late last night.
Usually, I don`t like discussing my neighbor`s life on my blog (why should I? He should start his own f%$#ing blog!) but since the story is interesting, I will do it – just once.
Last night at 10 p.m. when I had just sat down to blog (holding the book from where I pick up all these jokes) I heard somebody knock on my door. Apparently, my divorced, dentist neighbor had tried to commit suicide by drowning in a bucket and fairly succeeded. Did I mention he was only 4 feet 3 inches? Anyway, the crowd at my door was looking for somebody who could do resuscitation (‘CPR` if you are an American).
“I am sorry, I don`t know CPR,” I said even as I held my red “Her`s” towel together.
I was about to turn when somebody from within the crowd said: ‘No, he is lying. He did it to a nurse once. He told me the whole story.”
“I told you SHE gave me the CPR.” I retorted.
“It is all the same thing. You kiss her…or she kisses you. Come over…the man is about to die. Save him.” It was an elderly man speaking. The type usually represented in animated movies by an old, wise monkey.
There was a silver lining – the victim was a dentist and his oral hygiene would be good. But as I walked into the victim`s house some male nurses rushed in with a stretcher (in the process pushing me). Luckily, my red “Her`s” towel held strong. Within minutes they had put him on the stretcher and were off. Before I realized, the crowd of 40-odd people had also vanished.
I stood there alone in my neighbor`s house. As happens with in Manmohan Desai`s movies…I saw a suicide note fluttering under his wife`s framed photograph. It is being reproduced verbatim.
Here is the funniest suicide note I have ever read
I married you because you had nice, white row of teeth. Within a month I realized that marrying the whole girl just because of her teeth was a mistake.
Had you not fixed up an appointment with me on 7th of July 2003 and had I not said “keep away from cold drinks, sour food items and sweets” you wouldn`t have asked me: ‘How about sex?” And if you hadn`t asked me that, I wouldn`t have told you that I would love to. Had it not been for that silly mistake, we would have been two happy individuals today.
After you left me I have been a devastated man. I didn`t believe in divorce till I got married to you. Divorce is so much like removing a tooth – once removed, however hard one tries, one can never put it back.
I still don`t understand your reason for leaving me. Why blame me for not being as romantic as George Clooney or Hugh Grant? I didn`t have an answer back then…but do you know how much these guys get paid for acting like a romantic? You probably don`t know because you never read ‘Star Dust` while waiting for your dentist (again, because I never kept you waiting).
You never respected my profession which was a bigger insult for me. The last time you had tooth ache, you came up with your own dental plan. You decided to chew food on the left side. On the day I was declared ‘Dentist of the Year` and given a plaque, you didn`t turn up. Fortunately or unfortunately…you started the divorce talk the very next week.
When you read this letter, I would have swallowed a lot of water and died. Ironically, I am the guy who used to say: “Don`t swallow, spit!”
I took the note (so that I could type it verbatim for my blog) and replaced it with a small note just in case my neighbor came back home, alive. It said: “Man, you should be glad your wife thought of divorce and not murder. Heard of aconite?”