There was a seat available next to a 50-something lady. I walked up close and sat down. I guess I smiled too.

“Are you drunk?” The 50-something lady asked.

“I am sorry but I am.” I blabbered.

“Are you a carefree bachelor or are you married?”

In a non-drunk state, I wouldn’t have given out this information. But ended up blurting out: “No madam…I have a wife and a 20 month old daughter.”

“You are going to hell young man!” She said.

I tried my wittiest best and asked her: “Am I in the wrong bus, then?”

But my joke didn’t impress her and we never spoke after that. But her statement made me wonder why hell was any different from Mother Earth. And what was the big deal about heaven?

Between you and me…I would any day prefer heaven. But if Advani and Narendra Modi are going to be in heaven because they are so religious, I would rather be in hell.

I am also told hell would have far more interesting people than heaven.

Heard about the case where a couple in heaven are married for eternity just because they couldn’t find a lawyer to file divorce proceedings? Now you know why only marriages are MADE in heaven and not BROKEN in heaven. Because all the lying lawyers in bloody hell!

One thing that swings the balance towards heaven is that one doesn’t need to work there. But what is the guarantee? What if God goes back on his word? What if there also I will have to put up with a boss for a monthly salary? I am sure God would want to play God in heaven. Well, there is one instance when I would want to be in heaven…when God takes birth on Earth again as a Lord Krishna, or Buddha or Rama.

But there is one disadvantage of not working in heaven. There is a gray area – what about our hobbies…can I indulge in gardening? If no…does that mean that I can’t grow my own opium?

Actually, thee is one more disadvantage. Heaven has the habit of throwing people out. As a kid I remember this one instance where I was in a hospital and they showed me a baby and said she is your sister. I asked my mom: “Where did she come from?”

And without blinking her eyes, my mom said: “The people in heaven have given her to us.”

I could see why the people in heaven wanted us to have this small baby girl…she was all wrinkled and dirty and ugly…but my mom was too innocent to understand all that.

One problem with heaven though is, nobody cooks food there. God, Pope John Paul II and Mother Teresa, the only three people in heaven (as of data on November 26, 2008), prefer to eat canned food. It doesn’t make economical sense to cook for just three people…that too during such a bad Global financial meltdown.

Some internet user’s thoughts on the “72 virgins” concept
Koran doesn’t specify that the faithful get 72 virgins apiece. For this we look at Hadith, traditional sayings credited to Muhammad but without proof. Hadith number 2,562 known as the Sunan al-Tirmidhi says, “The least reward for the people who enter Heaven is 72 wives and 80,000 servants, and a house over which stands a dome of aquamarine, ruby and pearls.” Read More

Hell on the other hand has its own benefits. An ugly ex-colleague of mine, who had to return from Hell because his visa expired, told me that he spent six months in hell with a Super Model. When drunk, my friend confessed that the Super Model was being punished for her bad behavior on Earth…by being forced to stay with this ugly ex-colleague of mine.

I have realized…hell always needs a little more water (for the thirsty workers), a cool breeze (for cooling the oven like atmosphere) and few more good people.

By the way, does anybody know if it is true that the faithful get “80,000 servants and 72 wives”? For then, I would be sure to head for heaven…

Can you tell me what all I will have to do to avoid hell?

Other Funny Reads

# Complimenting & complicating your life
# How do I get six packs in three months?
# Baby sitting isn’t a nice profession
# Wish our real life had the benefits of online life

If you have been reading Ouchmytoe for a while now, you probably remember than on 29th March 2007 our daughter Rhea was born in a hospital in Kannur, Kerala. If you remember reading this post on Rhea’s birth you would remember that she decided to NOT take the door and come out of the window instead (meaning it was a C-section or Caesarian, as they call it).

Well, this blog post isn’t about Caesarian births…instead it is difficult of the two options – Natural Child Birth.

Some months back, I was part of a discussion with two of my 29-something-girl-colleagues. Both of them wanted to have babies but were scared of the pain. Being a man, I told them they should face it like a man and deliver when it really counted.

“Come on, you have no idea. Even to think of it scares the shit out of me,” Colleague A said.

“I totally second you. So much so that…I am planning to adopt a baby.” Colleague B said.

I stood there dumb-folded.

“Why don’t you have the first baby, and adopt the second baby?” I spoke like a true man.

The two girls looked at me like they would look at a goat chewing grass and walked away. I didn’t bring up the topic after that.

Yesterday, I met a friend whose wife delivered a baby boy last Saturday. He used to be a bundle of energy…not the baby…my friend….but when I met him, he looked like a bag of old clothes. For those of you who have never seen a bag of old clothes…well, he looked like a new bride just back from a 15-day honeymoon in Mauritius.

“What happened?” I asked. And I guess that was my mistake, for he started his story. Here I present his narration as is…with no ‘Expert’ comments of mine.

———–X—————-X————-

“Jammy…didn’t women give birth in caves when the men went out to hunt for food? Why is it that now-a-days they need our support? If back then somebody had said that men have to be holding the lady’s hands while the baby was being delivered, they would have just laughed, scratched their bums, picked their nose, spit out a seed and walked away. Pity we men can’t do it now-a-days.”

“I understand.” I managed to utter.

“You know… I didn’t mind holding my wife’s head while she puked her way to glory in our washbasin. I didn’t mind sitting at the gynecologist, reading the magazine WOMAN’S HEALTH. I didn’t mind being asked to leave the doctor’s room when the male doctor wanted to run some tests on my female wife. I really didn’t mind when I had to hold my wife’s hand and walk at a snail’s pace every evening. I didn’t mind when people stared at my wife’s belly and gave a smile. In fact, I had started to love it.”

“I remember the belly-stares.” I thought my smile would comfort him.

“Man…but when my wife was in the fifth month of her pregnancy, I got the shock of my life. She asked if I could stay in the delivery room while she delivered. I nodded my head unwillingly. How could I hurt her by saying I might end up puking and perhaps even falling unconscious.”

I thanked my stars that Rekha’s was a Caesarian and the doctors asked me to stay outside. But I didn’t show my happiness on my face.

“And then our classes began. In spite of shelling Rs 10,000 for the classes I was forced to attend them. My wife and I would end up every day at the Poly Clinic with two colorful pillows. If you thought carrying two colorful pillows and walking on the road wasn’t punishment enough…factor this…in the first week of our classes we spent time studying the Uterus. As if that wasn’t enough, they told me about the Fallopian tubes and the Ovum…like I wanted to know all that. I agree I had a keen interest in all these when I was in class ten…but that was then. There was curiosity back then. Not anymore!”

“What is a Fallopian Tube?” I enquired. But he didn’t seem to bother.

“I thought the discussions would ease after the first week, but before the end of the second week they had shown us two movies of mothers giving birth to babies. I watched it for real…just that I went out for the washroom 18 times and for water 13 times during the 15 minute movies.”

“Who was the Director?” I asked. But again, he didn’t seem to bother.

“Surprisingly my wife was loving it. In fact, she would want to discuss it on the way back in the car. As if that wasn’t scary enough, they forced me to see a 20 minute movie on how the fetus grows within the womb. Because my wife had caught on my escape tricks…I couldn’t even go to the washroom.”

“Who was the child artist? Was it Haley Joel Osment of Artificial Intelligence? Macaulay Culkin of Home Alone? Or Michael Oliver of Problem Child?” I was curious to know but somehow my friend just didn’t seem concerned.

“If I thought my ordeal would end with just watching scary videos of babies & mothers, I was highly mistaken. For we soon began the breathing exercises. Apparently, around the time of birth pregnant women develop contractions – a pain so painful that you start wondering why you had sex in the first place and got pregnant in the second place.”

“What are breathing exercises? I thought doctors prescribed them for asthmatic patients!” It was me again. Why am I even interrupting? I am anyway not getting any answers.

“It seems while inside the delivery room I have to hold my wife’s hand and ask her to breathe in and out forcefully so that she doesn’t feel as much pain and contractions are effective. The day I came to know of this….I lost all my sleep.”

“And then…?”

And then on the D-day…that would be Delivery-day…I was in the delivery room holding my wife’s hand. I didn’t know she had such a strong grip. When I said “Keep breathing sweetheart” she just gave me a stare and muttered “It is easy for you to say asshole!”. I never said anything after that (all that money given for the classes was a waste after all), and I think I fell unconscious when I heard a baby shriek.”

“Which baby? I inquired. Again, he never heeded to my curiosity and continued on his story telling.

“One would have thought they would give me Glucose and let me rest in peace till I came about. But no, the doctors had other plans. They brought a really dirty and ugly baby close to my face and suggested I kiss him. I didn’t. Just when I was getting up and walking towards my wife the doctor shouted across the room “Want to see your son’s placenta?”. As if we were in Madam Tussaud’s wax museum and he was asking me to see Amitabh Bachchan’s wax statue. I just nodded my head and walked out of the room.”

I didn’t know Madam Tussaud’s wax museum had Amitabh Bachchan’s wax statue! I exclaimed. Then realized my folly and asked him: “But what is the issue…you now have a new member in your family and should be looking forward to it.”

“That’s true. But it has only been four days and my wife says her first child birth experience has been so satisfying that she now wants to have a baby girl as well.”

Some how, “God Bless” escaped my lips.

Post Script 1: Some day I intend to tell my friend that he should suggest adoption to his wife. The selling point…in adoption, she can be sure of a girl.
Post Script 2: Who says only women suffer & sacrifice in pregnancy?

Other Funny Reads

# Rekha and I are proud parents
# Announcing - Pregnancy Diary
# The initial months of pregnancy
# The baby-mother bonding

Now, don’t you dare turn around and ask me “Jammy, if you know so much about how to increase RSS Feed subscribers…why do you only have 850+ readers subscribed to your feed?”

For then, so many similar questions can be asked. For example: “Why the guy in Kota, Rajasthan who is helping 100s of aspirants clear IIT-JEE year after year didn’t make it to IIT himself?” or “Why the lone guy sitting in a computer center in Saharanpur manages to send ‘Java’ developers to ‘phoren’ countries batch after batch and yet doesn’t have a passport of his own?”

Anyway, let us get down to business now. Step by step.

Readers subscribe to your RSS feed in two ways – by clicking on the RSS icon / Chicklet you have displayed on your blog or by using the auto-discovering icon the browsers show.

Ensure auto-discovery of your RSS feed

You definitely have no control over where the browser will show the auto-discovery icon but you can ensure that your RSS Feed is auto-discoverable for the browser. For this you will need to add this code on your entry pages:

The code that’s given above is known as the “Link tag” and needs to be added inside the Head tag of your page HTML. Obviously, you will be giving your RSS feed url and not mine. If your feed is an ATOM feed, you will need to change the type to “application/atom+xml”.

If like me, you have multiple feeds (I have one for comments, though nobody subscribes!) just add multiple link tags.

Once you have added this code, when you open your blog on Firefox you will see this icon on the address bar. (See Pic Below)

The above icon on Firefox means, your RSS feeds are auto-discoverable.

In Internet Explorer, your discoverable RSS feeds will be shown as in the pic below.

Position your RSS feed icon / chicklet at the TOP

Wouldn’t it be criminal if your reader is not able to find the RSS Feed icon where he/she has to click and subscribe?

Most blog design templates place the RSS links at the Footer or sometimes at the bottom of the sidebar. You should invest time and ensure the RSS Feed link/icon is right at the top. If need be, even go for a design template change – it is worth it.

It is even better if you create an account for yourself on Feedburner and use a Feed Chicklet which besides prompting the reader to click on it and subscribe to your RSS Feed also tells him/her many other readers have subscribed for your blog’s RSS Feed.

If your blog’s RSS Feed already has a lot of subscribers, it will trigger into motion an effect known as ‘Leader Feeder Effect.’ This means, many will subscribe to your feed and push the count higher, just because it has already been subscribed by many others.

On Ouchmytoe.com, the RSS Feed Chicklet is at the top – on par with the Blog’s title (see pic below).

If you have been promoting your non-Feedburner Blog feed all these days and have only recently converted (or are going to convert) to Feedburner and thus are worried about the implications, here is a nice Wordpress Press plugin called FeedSmith which will help you in two things:

Educate your readers about RSS

This is something ProBlogger had suggested long time back. Visitors to different blogs have different profiles. Blogs like http://labnol.blogspot.com attract techies, blogs like http://rupya.com attract Finance guys (some of whom could be techies too) and blogs like http://ouchmytoe.com attract everybody – from housewives to techies to finance guys to giggling girls from colleges.

If your site doesn’t attract techies, you should try and educate your readers about RSS and its benefits. ProBlogger does it elegantly on his sidebar (see accompanying pic), though I think visitors to his blog don’t need to be educated about RSS Feeds.

Cater to those that don’t believe in RSS Feeds

However hard you educate, some just want life simple and easy. And why not?

For such users, you need to create an account in Feedblitz or user Feedburner’s RSS in an e-mail service so that people can just enter their email ID and subscribe to your blog’s feed. Any update of yours will reach them in their email, and your RSS Feed count subscribers will continue to grow.

On Ouchmytoe.com, for example…you can choose your options from the Subscription page. If you are only interested in a mail alert, just enter your mail ID and be done with it (see pic below).

Persuade the new visitor to subscribe to your Blog’s RSS Feed

If you are a well SEO-ed site, 70% of your traffic will be from the search engines …which means every new visit from the search engine is a new person seeing your site. With so many potential regular readers at hand, you should try and capitalize on them first. If your blog is on Wordpress, you should straight away install a Wordpress plugin called “What Would Seth Godin Do”. This plugin is cookie based and if anybody new visits your blog (or Ouchmytoe.com for that matter), it displays him/her the message shown below. If the first time visitor likes your content, he/she will subscribe to it right away.

If your blog isn’t on Wordpress, but still gets up to 70% of its traffic from the search engines…just go ahead and ensure you have a similar message (as shown in pic below) at the end of every post. Your regular readers will develop a blind spot…but who cares as long as at least 1% of the new readers are converting?

Set up traps in your traffic heavy pages

If you have Google Analytics installed (the importance of Google Analytics is detailed here) you probably know which are your traffic heavy pages.

For example on Ouchmytoe.com, the top page is:
Funny wallpaper for download (Image search for ‘Funny Wallpaper’ throws up this post)

Since, I get a considerable amount of traffic on this page I have set up traps for the unsuspecting visitor. Visit the page and see them for yourself.

Identify your top five traffic heavy pages and place these three links at the bottom of the blog post:

If you do all of these, you can definitely more than double your subscribers in the first month itself. No guarantees though. They say internet is a bitch!

Next Article:

OK you have got a lot of subscribers for your Blog RSS Feed. Now what?
(This article will be written only if you express your genuine interest in the comments section)

I still remember that fateful day when my wife asked me to come home early. Like the good husband, I didn’t stop by at my friend’s place for a beer and reached home in time.

“We have been married for two years now.” Rekha said.

“Two years? That’s it? Are you sure?” It did seem like ten years to me.

“We got married on 8th Sept, 2004…remember?” My wife reminded me.

I knew the year of marriage. Being a man, the date didn’t matter. But I nodded.

“Do you think we should expand our family now? I mean…how long will it be just the two of us?” Rekha was closer now. She always did this when she wanted something from me. Especially….money.

I knew what she was saying. When you work 24 hours a day, you need somebody at home…to care for you…to cook & clean for you…somebody who would ask how your day was when you were back from office. I knew what exactly to say.

“Rekha, you are right. Why don’t we call my mother and ask her if she wants to stay with us?” For the first time, my wife had shown some amount of love towards her mother-in-law and I was glad things were working out between them.

“You mother? I wasn’t referring to her. Somebody younger…think hard…” There was a bit of anger in Rekha’s voice.

My brain started processing…somebody younger…that had to be my sister….but then, Rekha isn’t too cool with my sister either…why would she want my sister at home? Perhaps, for all those girl talk that I wasn’t good at. One can never understand women…

“Sure Rekha. If you wish, I can call up Sumathy and ask her if she can come to Chennai and stay with us.” God, my whole family was getting back again….marriage wasn’t the family-breaker that I had started to think it was.

“Sumathy? Why would I want your sister in this house? She is my sister-in-law for God’s sake!”

Having lost the war of wits, I asked my wife up straight: “So, whom do you want to bring home?”

At this my wife let out which till then was the longest sentence she has ever used in front of me: “And I thought I should have attempted something as subtle as that Tea advertisement where the lady model while serving tea for her husband also keeps a small tea cup, depicting a baby…blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah …..”

I don’t remember most of the sentence, but I can assure you that it was the longest sentence I had heard from her in two years of marriage. Mind you, the record has since been broken many times over – when it comes to long sentences, she is the pole-vaulter Sergi Bubka!

Anyway, to cut the long story short…Rekha was asking me if we could have a baby.

That’s something that I hate about Rekha. Even when she wanted to buy a TVS Scooty for herself, the first person she wanted to check with was me: “Should, I buy a TVS Scooty?”

Once I agreed, there was another question: “What color do you think I should go for?”

Once I had suggested black, there was the other question: “Should I go for a loan or downright payment?”

This time around, I wasn’t letting this happen…I told her: “Listen Rekha, now that I have agreed we can and should have a baby…I don’t want you to waste your time asking questions…just go out there and get one. Be done with it.”

Rekha had a flustered expression on her face, which I didn’t see when we were discussing her TVS Scooty.

“What happened?” I inquired.

She looked long and hard at me, and I think I detected pity in her eyes and then she said: “Fifteen years from now…your kid will ask you how children come into this World. See if you can figure this thing out by then.”

Before long she was in the kitchen to make the evening tea. Surprisingly, she didn’t keep that subtle ‘small cup’ on the table while serving me the tea.

Here are some photos of Rhea, snapped when she was having the fun of her life in the still uncorrupt environs of Kannur (in Kerala) & Madurai (in Tamil Nadu).

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Post Script:

It has been three years since we had this discussion, and our sweet little daughter Rhea is now 20 months old. Like Elizabeth Stone once said, deciding to have a child is like deciding to let your heart get out of your body & go out walking every day. Considering the import of her statement, wonder if it was Elizabeth Stone or Elizabeth was Stoned?

Other Funny Reads

# Learning from my baby girl
# Bathing a baby girl called Rhea
# Baby sitting isn’t a nice profession
# Why do pretty girls don’t propose anymore?
# Father vs mother - The Fight Continues

‘Digg Effect’ is defined as a term or a situation where a smaller site gets linked from Digg.com’s home page and suddenly starts getting so many visitors that it slows down or even temporarily closes due traffic restrictions.”

Thus, Digg Effect is probably the only way you want your site to go down, if at all.

Now…how do you ensure that you get your blog post to be Digged, and Digged so good that it comes on Digg’s home page and gets you increased traffic? Here are some observations:

Remember, once you have made it to the home page of Digg….you will continue to get more of your stories Dugg…so all the more reason for you to learn to get your stories on Digg’s home page the first time.

Lets start with the mother of all statements: Ensure your topic for the blog post is not boring, and instead grabs ones attention immediately. Especially those of the Digg Power users!

Now for how you can make your blog post & your headline Digg friendly:

Always start your headline with:

a. Top ten reasons…
b. Worst 7 ideas….
c. Best 5 ways…
d. 100 helpful tips…

Most of us always know 1 or 2 reasons for a certain situation…and when you actually mention a number against that situation…one tends to wonder, “What are the other three things that I am missing?” and tends to click to know more.

The blog posts that are likely to be Dugg well on Digg by their power users will in all probability be on:

a. Human goodwill – posts on happiness, health, love, scientific progress, growth
b. Issues that men face in day to day life – primarily because most of the Power Digg users are men
c. Geeky topics like Apple, Linux, & Design – because the users most likely to be active on Digg are interested in these topics
d. Political Commentary because 40% of all news that makes it to Digg home page is politics - Especially, if the news item is against Bush and in favour of Obama (Now that Obama is the new President, wonder if this will still hold true)

The articles / blog posts that are likely to be Dugg well on Digg need to have a “superfluous adjective”

a. The 10 ‘weirdest’ burgers…
b. 50 ‘really strange’ buildings…
c. Check the real example picked up from Digg’s home page below

The articles / blog posts that are likely to be Dugg well on Digg need to have a word ‘announcing the finality’ in the title

a. The 10 weirdest burgers ‘of all time’
b. 50 ‘really strange’ buildings ‘in the World’
c. Check the real example picked up from Digg’s home page below:

If we were to break up the above tips and just give a formula….here is how we can break up a typical Digg headline.

The headline: The 10 Most exciting buildings ever built in the World

The Digg Formula: [The] + [Number] + [Superfluous Adjective] + [Subject of the Article] + [Word announcing the Finality]

Now, what are you waiting for? Go write an article and get it Dugg on Digg!

Update:

Here is an article by Amit Agarwal on a research on ‘What is the best time to Submit a story on Digg?‘. To get the story up on Digg home page, of course.

Apparently, 86% of all comments left on blogs are SPAM. This means, if you get ten comments on your blog in a day…at least eight of them are going to be SPAM. So, go for Akismet – the ultimate SPAM filter. Till now, Akismet has helped me stop 333,000 SPAM comments on Ouchmytoe.com.

Download Akismet Plugin | Akismet Plugin FAQs

All in One SEO Pack Plugin

A blog is a no-go if it isn’t optimized for search engines. Especially, if your earnings are dependent on your blog. This easy to use All in One SEO Pack helps you give Page Titles, Page Descriptions and Page Keywords for each of your individual blog posts. The best SEO plugin available till date.

Download All in One SEO Pack Plugin | All in One SEO Pack Plugin FAQs

Google XML Sitemaps Plugin

Agreed that Google uses your content to display its advertisements on its search result pages…but it also drives traffic to you. So, try and become as Google (and other search engine) friendly as possible. Google XML Sitemaps plugin helps you get your blog posts get indexed in the search engines quickly.

Download Google XML Sitemaps Plugin | Google XML Sitemaps Plugin FAQs

WordPress Database Backup Plugin

It is always better to be safe than sorry. If your system can crash, so can your blogging platform. WordPress Database Backup plugin creates backups of your WordPress tables and other tables that you might want the back ups of. You can download the back up to your system or get it mailed at regular intervals to a mail ID as well.

Download WordPress Database Backup Plugin | WordPress Database Backup Plugin FAQs

Wordpress Global Translator Plugin

Global Translator is a free Wordpress Plugin that can translate your blog in the following different languages: English, French, Italian, German, Portuguese, Spanish, Japanese, Korean, Chinese, Arabic, Russian, Greek, Dutch. Not much use if yours is a Humor blog…because humor can get lost in translation. But if you are a technology blog, which cuts across languages (and countries) this is a great plugin to have on your blog.

Download Wordpress Global Translator Plugin | Wordpress Global Translator Plugin FAQs

Show Top Commentators Plugin

To keep your readers/commentators happy, you need to reward them. What better way to give them the title ‘Top Commentators’. If yours is a blog where a lot of interaction happens, Show Top Commentators plugin is a good choice. The top commentators are not just rewarded with a display on your sidebar (and the number of comments they have made) but also a link back to their website.

Download Show Top Commentators Plugin | Show Top Commentators Plugin FAQs

Related Posts Plugin

If you get a lot of traffic from search engines, this is an excellent plugin to have. This plugin finds related blog posts based on keywords and thus displays a set number of related posts at the end of each post. Believe me once you use this plugin…the time spent per reader on your site will only increase.

Download Related Posts Plugin | Related Posts Plugin FAQs

Adsense Deluxe Plugin

If like me, you also use Google Adsense on your blog, install this plugin asap. The Adsense Deluxe plugin allows you to automatically insert Google Adsense code inside your posts with ease. Try it to believe it.

Download Adsense Deluxe Plugin | Adsense Deluxe Plugin FAQs

WP-Print Plugin

Many a times, our readers don’t have the time to be online and read our posts. Sometimes they want to share it with a person who is not likely to click on a url and visit the page to read. For such scenarios, it helps if you have the WP-Print Plugin installed. It allows easy print facility for each of your blog post. In short, this plugin helps your reader take your blog post offline.

Download WP-Print Plugin | WP-Print Plugin FAQs

Tell a Friend Plugin

If you want your blog to become popular, you need to make it easy for your readers to share your content. This Tell a Friend Plugin does just that. It adds a ‘Share This Post’ button after (or before!) each post…thus adding virality to your blog.

Download Tell a Friend Plugin | Tell a Friend Plugin Faqs

Know of any other useful plugin, that I missed out on?

How do you become a professional blogger? The answer is as complex as the question.

We all start off as Hobby Bloggers, who blog for a hobby. And as luck would have it…when one is a hobby blogger, one blogs about dogs, bosses, family and everything else in between that nobody wants to read. A few comments here and there from friends and family keep us going…and eventually we start spreading the word. After months of blogging, your friends start spreading the word for you …and eventually Google (or the other search engines) take over and starts driving traffic.

When you start getting comments from complete strangers, you cross over from being a hobby blogger to being a part time blogger. This is the stage you are waiting to get back home and upload your thoughts and then get up the next day to check if you got any comments. At this stage, you can’t be blamed for giving your blog 50% of its page views…just trying to check if there are any new comments. Most of us continue to remain in this stage till the drive to write wanes and we take a short break, a long break…and then another short break…and the final long break….before the blog is forgotten.

Some overcome this stage and realize that they just might be able to become professional bloggers and make money. Earning by doing what you love is definitely a kick…if you have been there you probably know. If you haven’t been there yet…well, here is how you can become a professional blogger.

Get yourself a good topic to blog on

A good professional blogger writes on a topic that people want to read. Nobody wants to read about your random rants, especially if it is about that trip you made after four years, or the neighbour’s car that got scratched. Stick to a topic. While selecting the topic, ensure it is a niche area and has enough interest amongst the internet generation. But then, I wouldn’t decide to blog on ‘mobile phones’ just because the internet savvy are heavily into mobile phones. What if I lose interest mid way? I would recommend you select a topic that excites you. For me, it was ‘Humor’.

Ensure the topic you choose has enough people searching about it

A professional blogger makes money because many people land on his blog from search engines, and thus end up clicking on the ads. So, your blog topic should be carefully chosen. For example, when I have to buy a mobile I do my research on the internet. Same goes when I have to buy a car, when I have to start dieting, when I have to buy a camera, or when I have to research on a technology etc. If you are sure that you can write on a particular topic but don’t know if it is popularly searched on…try the Google Keyword Generator. Here is the url: https://adwords.google.com/select/KeywordToolExternal

This tool will show you the “average search volume” for any keyword that you enter…and its related keywords. Needless to say, higher the “average search volume” means higher the popularity for the keyword.

The ‘Advertiser Competition’ column tells you how intense the competition is for that particular keyword…if the advertiser competition is high, your blog articles will always show relevant advertisements and thus…you stand to gain more dollars.

Place Google Adsense on your blog

You might be a great blogger but till the time you place advertisements on your blog, you aren’t going to make any money. From my personal experience, I will go with Google Adsense. But unlike me, you should definitely try other advertising platforms…some of which are even rumored to pay better that Google Adsense. While placing ads on your blog, please do follow the suggestions provided by Google Heat maps, which actually tells you where your advertisements will get you the maximum click throughs and thus the maximum dollars. Reading the Google Heat Map is simple…advertisements best perform when placed in portions colored brightest. In the Google heat map below you will notice that the space above the Primary content (which actually will look like your top navigational bar) gets you the best yield. For more details on how you can exploit the Google Heat map, you might want to visit Google Adsense’s Heat Maps Tips Page

SEO your blog really well

All the writing & all the advertisement placements would be of no use if you don’t have readers coming in. Your regular readers won’t want to see the advertisements, and thus will develop a blind spot for the ad slots. Thus, if you want to make money….rely on traffic that comes in from search engines. Since they don’t know how your site is structured, they are most likely to click on the advertisements and help you earn. A good SEO-ed site gets more than 70-80% of its traffic from search engines. Ask some of the top guys like http://labnol.blogspot.com or http://problogger.net and they will give you a higher percentage…but that’s because they write their content for the search engines. After sustained blogging, and after placing the advertisements at the right place…the trick is to SEO your blog. To start with, read this article titled: The Blogger’s Guide to SEO. If your blog is on Wordpress, a good plugin to download and install is the “All in One SEO Plugin”. For FAQs on the “All in One SEO Plugin”, Click Here.

Get yourself a Google Analytics Account

This is something that you can do even if you aren’t a professional blogger, but it helps a great deal for a professional blogger to have an Analytics account which tells you how well your blog is doing and where your traffic is coming from. While different bloggers (or web administrators) will give you different versions…according to me a Google Analytics account is pretty good for a professional blogger. Here is a screen shot of a typical Google Analytics dashboard (since it is a cricket site, you will see huge dips during non-cricketing days):

Will all of the above make me a professional blogger?

This is a nice question to ask. Especially since, I have forced you to read such a long article. Well, all of these will equip you to become a professional blogger…but you will have to become one, on your own. Just remember these three rules:

1) Blogging & earning takes its own sweet time. So don’t quit your job in the hope of making it big as a professional blogger
2) Blogging in PJs is nice….but blogging & earning requires a lot of hard work
3) Always better to take short cuts – get in touch with professional bloggers who have already been there & done that

When 26, I started dancing to Rekha’s tunes, and one day when I was deeply engrossed …she tied the mangal sutra on my neck and made me her husband. Ever since our marriage, I have danced to her tunes. Now that I have a new girl friend, I have been dancing to her tunes. Believe me, dancing is tiring.

Recently, I was dancing to my girl friend’s tune when an old friend came up to me and asked: “Know why you can never be a good dancer?”

Perplexed, I said ‘No.”

“You are an animal, that’s why you will never be a good dancer.” The old friend seemed tense. From the expression on his face, I could make out that even if I did dance well, he would come home and break my legs.

“You mean in the sense that all human beings are animals?” I enquired for more clarity.

“Yes, and all animals have two left feet.”

“That’s not true. Monkeys don’t.” I protested.

“Dogs do. Cats do. Horses do. Want more?” My old friend was enjoying the domination.

“What about centipedes? They have 100 left feets?” I was not trying to make fun of him…I just wanted to understand the concept well.

My friend got angry and left the place. But he had taught me a lesson. Perhaps, that’s why we human beings dance only when we have to.

Take this young lad for example, who spent half an hour looking at the jam bottle on the table and then started to twist dance. Apparently, on top of the jam bottle was written ‘twist to open’. Don’t believe me? Check out this video.

The problem with dancers is that they always want to be in the front, seen by the audience and applauded.

One of my gay friends, who was into ballet once called me up at 6.30 a.m.. “Jammy, I had a nightmare last night!”

Knowing how excited he could get, I just said: “OK.”

“Wouldn’t you want to know what I saw in the nightmare?”

My friend wouldn’t give in so easily so I said, “Sure tell me about this nightmare that made you get up in the middle of the night at 6.30 a.m. and call me.”

“I was dancing with a group of ballerinas in Amitabh Bachan’s family show.”

“Wow. That’s pretty nightmarish. So what did you do?” I have this knack of saying what my friends want to hear.

“No stupid, that wasn’t the nightmare. I was in the fourth row…and that’s when I started sweating and got up from my sleep and sat down!” My friend was panting, so didn’t have the heart to say that in an Amitabh Bachan family show there are way too many stars.

While on the subject of dancing, here is a joke I picked up from the internet:

--

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought, “Life isn’t so bad after all,” and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

“Thank you,” he said. “I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind.”

“Dancing? I’m not dancing!” the armless man replied bitterly … “My asshole itches, and I can’t scratch it!”

--

Other Funny Reads

# When I became a cockroach
# Traveling by Kingfisher Airlines
# When I was a famous jockey
# December 31, 2005 to January 1, 2006
# Ice Creams & their funny names

Silicon Valley is the southern part of San Francisco Bay Area, Northern California, USA and a region where high-tech companies (and mostly internet-based) come up every day. Way back in 2000 A.D., when I was all of 25 years old I used to have a small company in the Silicon Valley.

This story is about how I lost that company to a sweet talker, and returned home a pauper.

I think it was sometime in April, 2000. I had been in the US for two years and was getting bored. Most of my time was spent in front of the computers thinking of ideas to take over the World. That’s when I decided to chill out….you know…visit a pub or something…pick up women…and bring them home. The plan was simple…turn into a heat-seeking-missile, spot the women, lure them into the trap, and get them home.

Google was then a new search engine on the block…and everybody was raving about it. So I decided to search in Google and find a good bar / pub that I could visit. The first result was a nice place called “Silicon Valley Bar Association.” I took down a second place as well…what if “Silicon Valley Bar Association” was crowded? Behind the back of a paper napkin, I wrote down “Silicon Valley Bar Association” & “Fahrenheit Ultra Lounge”. We Silicon Valley people thought that if it wasn’t behind a paper napkin, it wasn’t important.

Unfortunately, “Silicon Valley Bar Association” was a place for attorneys…and indulged in courts & cases. They had nothing to do with chilling out….so I had to walk all the way back towards “Fahrenheit Ultra Lounge.”

The problem with “Fahrenheit Ultra Lounge” was that…there was a lot of space between me and the others. When you are a heat-seeking-missile, there is a range that you can operate in and beyond that range your signals fall week. Anyway, we Rajans are not known to back off ever – least so in a place throbbing with beautiful women – young, old, married, unmarried…all kinds.

The closest to me was a lady in black…I could see her back. The light shone on her smooth, curved back and I knew that very instant that I had to take this lady home. If possible, also make her my wife.

With the usual gusto that we Rajans are famous for, I stood up, checked my hair to ensure it was in place and walked towards her.

“Hi, looks like somebody needs a little company,” I quipped.

She was as smooth & curved from the front as she was from the back.

“Why? Do you have a company you want to sell?” She sounded so much in control. I made a mental note that this is the kind of women I like.

Somehow, the discussion veered towards my company…and ten minutes after her husband joined her….I had sold my company for a lot less than what it was worth. I did try to bring in ‘time-shares with the wife’ as part of the deal…but that didn’t work out either.

Today, I am back in India…and working for somebody else.

Moral of the Story: Men, stay away from the women. They are way too smart.

Other Funny Reads

# A phone conversation with my girlfriend
# Am I turning into a woman?
# How do I get six packs in three months?
# How and when Jammy gets insulted
# Getting locked inside somebody’s washroom
# Now Rekha and I fight for different reasons

Nah…I am just kidding. It isn’t that bad yet.

My wife has left me for a 45 day vacation. My girl friend will soon be leaving me for another guy. As for my daughter, she has forgotten that I exist. I am told in my daughter’s recently updated dictionary now “father” means the proud, plantain tree in the backyard of my father-in-law’s house. At least she got one bit right – the ‘proud’ bit.

For the last 15 days I have been staying alone in Gurgaon, and here is how I have progressed:

Day 1:
Wow! Free again! Man needs his time away from wife. One definitely can’t smile at all the nagging all the time. Four years of marriage is long. Marriage should be a year long contract to be renewed at the end of the expiry date. Each party should be able to pull out of the contract with one month advance notice. Disputes, if any should be settled in the jurisdiction of the Husband’s home town.

Day 2:
Is it OK to walk nude out of the washroom when you are dripping wet to pick up the towel drying on the treadmill? Where are my ironed clothes? Where is the magic cupboard from where ironed clothes keep coming out every day? Socks? Why are they so small…can’t we have bigger socks so that they don’t get lost? Can’t a single sock be made…so one isn’t left with one in hand and another God knows where?

Day 3:
The two utensils that can be used to make tea are in the sink. Can’t have tea. Is Pepsi a good supplement for tea? In MBA classes they did mention that nimbu pani, tea & lassi are Pepsi’s competitors! Ironed clothes are fast running out. Is ironing other’s clothes still a career option? Are people still doing it? Where do they stay…how do I find them?

Day 4:
Damn! Soap slipped and fell in the potty. I know there is unused soap in the house. Where is it? Idea…let me use the small soap I picked up from Land’s End in Mumbai when I stayed there for three days….six years back. Split between corn flakes & oats. Corn flakes wins because the only utensil in which oats can be cooked is in the sink.

Day 5:
Shoes are dirty. Where is the shoe brush? Can I use the tooth brush and wash it later? Who is gonna know? Where is the house key? If I didn’t bring it inside the house how did I get in? Did I leave a window open? If I left the windows open did the thieves get in before I did? Did they hide under the bed to avoid detection? And slid out of the house when I dozed off? Check if everything is in place….don’t know what is where…but my laptop is safe. They definitely didn’t walk away with the internet connection.

Day 6:
Should I take up dieting? Instead of saying I slept hungry coz there was no food it feels better to say I was dieting. On second thoughts….Is Corn Flakes a good meal for dinner? Maybe for dinner I can have corn flakes with curd. For breakfast it can be had with milk. Wow…a balanced diet.

Day 7:
There are no clean undies to wear. Wear them inside out? Will colleagues know? Not till the boss strips me pants down….and that’s not gonna happen. Some consolation that I am not superman…else dirty undies will show.

Day 8:
When the tomato sauce is over…. pizza goes well with mango pickle. Why do Indians eat pizzas with tomato sauce?

Day 9:
Started drinking a lot of water – drinking out of the pressure cooker helps. All glasses in the sink. Ants on white marble floor make a good sight. But where are they all rushing? What can be the hurry in a bug’s life?

Day 10:
Girl friend busy with boyfriend (which unfortunately isn’t me). She is also out of town, so phone calls are getting costlier. Enough. I am missing my family. Independence comes with a certain amount of problems – wonder if Gandhi & Nehru also felt the same way 10 days after Indian independence?

Day 11, 12, 13, 14 & 15 have been equally good (positive, aren’t I?). In short…I have run out of patience to complete this article…so here it ends.

Have you downloaded the best of Ouchmytoe, yet?

Other Funny Reads

# How Indian wives take their husbands for a ride
# Much married, much harried
# Toilets – how lucky we are to have them
# Traveling makes one intelligent…
# Group dynamics in a married man’s house

If you haven’t yet got the hint, well……this post is about Abhijit Bhaduri. Like it happens with all famous men…if you don’t know Abhijit Bhaduri…let me explain….he is a leading HR Professional from India, who doubles up as a humor writer. The man in question once wrote a book titled Mediocre But Arrogant….which didn’t live up to its title…it wasn’t mediocre at all. After failing to ensure losses for his first publisher, he launched his second book Married But Available in the Indian Capital, today.

Being a humor writer of repute (hic! hic!) I was also invited to the launch. I am serious. If only there was a screenshot option in my mobile, I would have shown you the SMS he sent me.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t go.

Not feeling well…I was in my bed throughout the day. Staring onto a white wall with a rotating fan is like staring into a girl’s eyes. It makes you imagine things that don’t really exist the way you want them to exist.

I ended up imagining how the book launch would have proceeded.

You can buy MARRIED BUT AVAILABLE and get it delivered by mail (Order it from the Harper Collins site). You get a specially signed copy if you order by 30 September 2008. Buy Now
Still confused? Listen to him read out a chapter from his first book and then decide.

6.00 p.m.: Abhijit Bhaduri is prancing up and down the corridor waiting for the guests (read invitees like me….) to arrive.

6.15 p.m.: The first guests arrive. Most are his relatives, and friends who couldn’t refuse….or weren’t lucky enough to fall sick. A few of them are cursing him for launching a book on a weekend.

6.30 p.m.: Some fifty odd people have gathered. The publishers are now prancing up and down the corridor…they are waiting for the journalists to arrive, who like the police in Hindi movies, always arrive late.

6.45 p.m.: Abhijit Bhaduri has washed his face and donned a new coat of make up. Unlike me, he is a fair and handsome man alright….but who doesn’t need that extra coat of make up for that extra bit of glow on a big day? He checks his suit to see it is befitting the occasion – not all writers get published….fewer still get to make the second mistake.

7.00 p.m.: Everybody is in their seats - friends, relatives, readers, press-men, iron-walas…everybody. The publisher takes the podium and starts off on how he rejected Abhijit Bhaduri’s 18 manuscripts before he accepted the one that’s gone into print. After the publisher, the Editor of the book takes the podium for ten whole minutes and explains how Abhijit Bhaduri should have gone to a better school for better Grammar and how his punctuation leaves so much to be desired.

7.25 p.m.: After all the damage is done, Abhijit Bhaduri takes the stage. His time in Microsoft as the head of HR helps. He strikes a chord with the invitees right away. It helps that he is wearing a pink shirt with a violet trouser – after all he is a humor writer. He tries to contain the damage by saying that half of the 18 manuscripts rejected by the said publisher have been accepted by other publishers of repute. He also does some damage control on the “Grammar school” fiasco by saying he had a Grammar teacher who fell sick regularly.

7.45 p.m.: Abhijit Bhaduri finishes his speech and the whole crowd gets up in a standing ovulation. Ok, at least the ladies get up in standing ovulation.

7.50 p.m.: Abhijit Bhaduri invites the Chief Guest, who happens to be a humor blogger called Jammy and his girl friend called Tammy, to launch the book.

8.00 p.m.: Jammy starts off with ‘I know it is getting late and you all want to go home early….” and continues to talk about the good times (and some peanuts) he has had with Abhijit Bhaduri. How they are like a mobile phone and sim card, how they are like a CD and a CD Cover etc. Jammy has been talking for 35 minutes when Abhijit Bhaduri walks in with a bottle of water and wispers something into Jammy’s ears.

8.35 p.m.: Jammy launches the book, and the crowd erupts in jubilation. Don’t know why….but the reporters ignore Abhijit Bhaduri and surround Jammy. They ask him why he isn’t publishing a book…Jammy nods his head and walks into the sunset.

*Glad the launch happened in the evening, else walking into the sunset wouldn’t have been possible.
**If you are Abhijit Bhaduri and reading this…my apologies I couldn’t come there in person. Believe me, in spirit I was with you on your big day. The operational word being ‘Spirit’.

Other Funny Reads

# Guess what we bought this weekend…
# Dry fish, deep fried
# Now I have a ‘study’ of my own…
# Being a celebrity is difficult…
# How to get into a conversation with a girl

As all women, the one in question also came home after a long day’s work at office. Since it was evening…and dark out side…she switched on the light in her living room.

She was horrified…completely horrified…to see the remains of her husband on the newly bought carpet. He had committed suicide.

Ignoring what had happened; the woman had a cup of tea and went about her housework. She didn’t phone for medical assistance or police help. Why not?

He/she who can answer this question correctly will win a glossy, signed, life-size poster of the World’s most misunderstood genius – Mr Jammy. Why misunderstood? Because nobody thinks I am a genius.

Update: Arun got it right in the first comment. Check Right Answer

Update from office
*ibibo Blogs went live yesterday. It has been an excellent job of integrating Wordpress and providing all the features the best blogging platform in the world has. Why not start a blog now?