Going mobile…for the pretty babe

I have a Nokia 3310. A very basic model when compared to the hi-tech mobiles that I see in the hands of hi-tech people. I am not aware of the features that the latest of mobiles come with, but I think the phone companies should seriously think of incorporating the below given suggestions if they have to stay ahead of the competition.

Spot The Number
I should be able to point the mobile at any pretty girl and press a single button, and get her phone number stored. This could be risky if girls start carrying their father’s mobiles, but considering the benefit the features offers, it is worth the risk.

Locked Stocked
This feature will help me point a mobile to another irresistible girl and get into the lock mode. Once locked, she should not be able to lose me. Thus, I can find out where all those pretty babes stay.

Invisible Mode
Once locked to a girl’s mobile, I should have the option of going underground, yet being linked to her mobile. Whenever she gets a call or she makes a call, my phone should ring…and I should be able to listen to the full conversation. This will help me know her likes and dislikes…and in the process increase my chances.

Slippery Contact
This feature will help me call her up on her mobile, yet not divulge my number. I will be able to express my love for the lady and yet not risk my neck on the altar of love.

Voice Sexizer
This feature will turn my moronic voice into like that of Stallone’s.

Pronunciation Enhancer
This feature will roll my tongue for me and help me pronounce all the difficult words like – excited, love, sex, horny…blah blah

The Mimic Artist
This feature will store the conversation between the pretty lady and her friends, and later help me mimic her friends. Thus, I would blow my own trumpet till kingdom come and find a foothold in her heart.

Commitment Negater
This feature will ensure the disabling of my mobile the moment she talks of meeting parents, eloping, engagement or marriage. It will work on a key-word system, that I could feed into my mobile.

The most important feature will be called Blow Yourself Up You Sucker. This would be one red button that will help me blow myself up, if I still fail to get the pretty one!

When daddy came home early – to tell stories

Do you have a kid at home? And do you find it difficult to spend quality time with him…rather get to see him only late in the night when he is in bed. Here is your chance to redeem your guilt. Tell him a story that he would remember for life…and in the process become the Best Daddy of the World. Read on ……
There is nothing more interesting for your kid than to listen a bedtime story from his/her father. You might be tired from the day out at office, or probably do not have time on your hands, but I can tell you it is that five-minute presentation of yours that will make you a hero in your kid`s eyes. Try it tonight.

Still unconvinced? After your story, here is what your kid will go to his bed with –

1) A hero to look up to
2) Liking for adventures
3) A solution for every challenge
4) Love for you

What kind of stories?
To say it in a sentence, your stories need to have a good protagonist, who needs to embark on an adventure, meet up a challenge in neverland, and be back home after solving it, for a happy ending. Even before you start, keep in mind that all stories should have a happy ending, and only monsters and bad guys get killed.

Creative stories make for good listening and in the process also help your kid build a good memory. Not to mention all those life-lessons he would learn.

Before you walk into his bedroom, have the story blue print ready. Ensure that you have given your hero (and your son`s future role model) an easy-to-remember name. As much as possible, try to use “Once Upon a time” to begin your story. With these four words you transport your kid to the world of imagination. A place where the people, trees, animals, and even the colors are his own. He paints it according to his tastes, and waits for the next sentence.

You have nothing to fear because this is a World of his own creation, and a kids mind cannot be as corrupt as yours. Besides, he needs a break from this world of bricks and mortar.

You hero needs to be honest, funny and determined. Give him/her a name that is easy to remember…something like a Mr Hornbill or Mr Shadow or maybe Miss Sweet Lime. My father had created a few heroes for my sisters and me – Miss Goosebumps, Mr ShortHands and Mr Pick-a-boo. I have not forgotten. And believe me, neither would your son.

Your kid has to be impressed with the protagonist you conjure up, so articulate you voice when you are speaking for the hero. Crack a few jokes here and there. To make the narration interesting, you could use some of the things you find on your kid`s bed as props.

In fact, your hero need not necessarily be a human being. It could even be a rat, a fox or a tree. But make sure you kid associates with the being. Make sure your protagonist has no weakness, and even if there is a temporary glitch, ensure that the character fights his way out of the mess.

There is one thing that you might be tempted to fall back just when your son`s hero is n trouble and you have ran out of creativity. And that is magic. Refrain from stories where the hero`s problem is solved by magic or supernatural powers. Some day, your son might be waiting for the same magic to happen, not trying on his own.

Your stories should be memorable, yet should have values. Believe me, it would be fun when you hear your grown up kids tell the same stories to your grand children!

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When Security increases

Yesterday South Indian actress Jyothika came to our office, and the whole building was cordoned off. She had requested for extra layer of security coz, it seems she is not good at handling crowd.

This made me think. In future, the World will be full of criminals, who want to rob, kidnap or kill. And since the voters will be intelligent (hopefully) the Government will have to do something about the crime rate. And since, it cannot sieve out the criminals from the society at will, the Govt will be forced to take samples of DNA, urine, stool, hair, blood, fingerprints etc from everybody on this planet.

This database will help to sort out criminals as soon as they commit the crime. With so much at stake, the criminals will get jobs. Most of them will end up becoming professional hackers.

But, with the decline of crime the Govt will not be able to return all the samples. Besides, too much of logistics…they would have started smelling. One can safely expect the Govt to get stricter, to keep the crime rate down.

Here are a few experiences you could be part of in such an age –

1) You walk into an ATM, give a sample of your stool and wait for the report that confirms your identity, and then withdraw your money.

2) When you go to pick up your bike/car from the parking lot, the security guard will scarp some plastic from the handles/steering wheel and send it for DNA testing. You will get the bike once the DNA report confirms your claim.

3) To get into your office, you will have to stand before an apparatus that will pluck both your eyes and take it to the Server room, where all the replicas of employees` eyes are stored. Once the replica is found and you identity is confirmed, the apparatus will bring back your eyes and place them in your sockets. You really do not have to worry about the blind period because it will last only a few seconds. Vice-Presidents and above will have only one of their eyes plucked.

4) For security reasons the toilet for your house will be outside. To enter your house, all you need to do is go to the toilet and take a dump. The mechanized toilet that it would be, a stool analysis will be done within seconds and when you flush a confirmation report on toilet paper will appear from behind the potty. And the door to your house will open.

If you want to know access details of anything in particular, let me know by posting a comment. Will get back to you.

Yours truly,

Jammy
Security Consultant to the Govt,
India.
28th May, 2035

National Animal – a national concern

I am glad our National animal is a Tiger. It is proud animal, just like we Indians. While I understand, beauty is but skin deep (never really seen a skinned tiger), I would still say tigers are beautiful animals.


Wonder what would have happened if a Pig was our national Animal? Or for that matter a Donkey…or a Mule. Or how about a Mouse? A dog? Or a skunk?

I would not want to live in a country where the National emblem has a Mouse. Would be a big let down for all Indians, except Lord Ganesha, who would love to see his vahanam being patronized.

A Donkey would not make a good sight on our coins and rupee notes. Agreed the merchants in Tamil Nadu display a donkey`s picture in their shops to boost sales (I am not making up this belief), yet, I do not think he would look good on a coin.

Imagine Indian cricketers sporting a skunk on their chest when they enter the field to take on Australia. The Kangaroos would run away. For the uninitiated, skunks are small beings that let out a very stinky substance when challenged and you are doomed for life….well almost …because it will take you a fortnight to get rid of the stink. That is, if you take bath daily in tomato juice.

Everything said and done, am glad our National Animal is not Man. Would have complicated things!

I am getting married…

It is official. Rekha and I are getting married this Sept.

For those of you who have had the misfortune of knowing Rekha, well, bad luck. And for those of you who do not know her…you are lucky. Believe me. It is not always great to know somebody who stares you down when you look around at other girls, does not let you smoke or drink…or for that matter even eat oily food.

Her life revolves around the Khans and Bips of Bollywood. Here is an explanation –
JV Rajan: Sachin Tendulkar is the same as Rekha TP: Shah Rukh Khan.

Her work involves loads of Movies. And since my work is a lot of cricket, one can safely assume that it would be a marriage of sorts between Cricket and Movies. In fact Rekha has already decided to name our first-born Laagan.

I wonder if at all it is a safe decision. Especially, marrying a girl from Kannur (Cannanore in English), known for its well-managed riots. After all, Rekha once used to be the neighbor of Doctor Omana. To know more about this Kannur Doctor, ask around your mal friends and you would get it in graphic detail.

Tonight, how about lighting a candle for me….

In Kannur:
According to reliable sources, when my father asked Rekha`s hand for his son, her father jumped up on his feet, danced around and sang: Aasa dosa appala vada. The report is yet to be confirmed.

Sucker Punch

Is it the irresponsible consumer who is to be blamed. Or is it the companies?

Laloo Prasad Yadav, Minister for Railways

Laloo fan? Download wallpaper now!

Manmohan Singh`s decision is bound to have far-reaching effects. Thanks mainly to the Indian Railway`s network spread far and wide.

I am sure, all of us are glad that such an important ministry is in the safe hands of Laloo. A few critics suggest that he should have got the Agriculture portfolio. A few sterner critics explicitly hint that he should have been made Minister of State for Animal Husbandry. Pity those critics for they do not know that this was a revolutionary decision. Here are some pointers –

For the common folks
– If you are from Bihar, you need not buy train tickets
– If you are traveling in Bihar, you need not buy the tickets
– The vegetable vendors are free to ply their trade on all inter-state trains. You could sell pets too, but only domesticated.
– Beedi smoking will be allowed. But the ban on cigarette smoking will stay.
– If you are Laloo`s relative, you need not reserve your tickets early.
– The pantry cars will also sell cowfeed. But large scale buying and selling won`t be permitted.

For the rich folks
– If you are from Bihar, you are requested not to buy tickets. Just enter the compartment, grab a seat, walk up to the pantry, buy large quantities of the cowfeed being sold, walk back and light a cigarette and relax.

Here is a story that I read about Laloo. Thought will share it: Laloo was giving an enthusiastic speech. During his verbal diarrhea, he held out a potato in his right hand and a tomato in his left. He looked at the potato…sported his customary smile and said, “This is us, the RJD….strong …cannot be crushed.” Even as he said the above, he tried to squeeze the potato…but nothing happened…and the crowd roared. He then shifted his attention to the tomato and said, “this is the opposition and we will crush them.” So saying, he crushed the tomato. The crowd went ecstatic. Laloo had to be evacuated by a helicopter because the spectators broke through the security barricade. One wonders what was on their mind!

My baptism

Fortunately or unfortunately, my baptism did not involve wine. Instead, it was rum. 

It all started when I was in class X. My biology teacher Mrs Geeta Kumari asked me to bring a dash of alcohol to school so that I could in-sensitize the frog I would dissect the following day.

My father`s 32 years in the Army helped. He lined up the liquor bottles and asked me to choose one from among his repertoire. The magnanimous gent that he was he agreed to part with the designer-friendly Old Monk rum bottle that caught my eye. I told him that the onus of in-sensitizing all the 20+ frogs for the class was on me.

Seldom has a young lad of 16 walked into a school building with a Old Monk bottle in full display. Later in the day, the teacher would say a few drops of the highly intoxicating liquid that I was carrying would be enough for the amphibians. Needless to say, the rest was consumed by 16 of my classmates. Fourteen of those got spanked by their fathers on returning home. The other two did not reach home till it was late in the night and their parents had already filed FIRs. They also got spanked.

The next day at school was different. Everybody was aware of our escapade, and there was no escaping the naughty looks we got from even our juniors.

Since, I was the protagonist of the episode, the Principal asked my father to meet him. They had a nice long chat…must have lasted an hour or so. I do not know what transpired between the two, but the next evening the principal came home for a drinking session with my father.