Month: February 2005

 remember reading this long back. So long back, that I am not even sure if I am making this up.

Saif Ali Khan was once asked what he thought of Maduri Dixit`s navel. He said (exact words), “My ambitions are not that high.” No, in this post we are not going to be talking of navels. Instead it is going to be stomach – the ultimate devil that God built in all of us.

I love eating. Especially, on weekends. Rekha (my wife) cooks well, and it is a real treat.

This doesn`t mean that I don`t enjoy hotel food. I love the food I get in the Andhra Mess, near my house. They dump so much on my plate. The only problem with going to that place is, …I start feeling hungry in 2-3 days time.

There is a saying in Iraq: The way to a man`s heart is through his stomach.

But somebody who has always been anti-Iraq (No…not Bush) feels that any woman who thinks the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach is aiming about 10 inches too high. I have no comments on that. For I don`t think there are any nerves connecting a man`s knees to his heart.

Everything said and done, Food is important. When I think of people who can murder for food, my heart goes out to them. I pity them. I mean, it is ok…there is a bottle of Whiskey involved or maybe Rum…but murder for a plate of food? Unthinkable.

Talking of whiskey, there was a time when my father and I were stranded in the Thar Desert…with only food and water. Our stomach would growl…but food and water is all we could ever give. This torture lasted a week and, my father and I have never voted for the Congress since. Actually, we had been invited by Indira Gandhi to inaugurate the Indira Gandhi Irrigation Canal that has made the whole of Rajasthan evergreen.

Rahul Dravid ban gaya Gentleman I watched Black and I cried real hard

Politicians do have a way with the stomach. Before the elections, they aim for a voter`s heart…but after victory, they aim for his/her stomach. I can`t blame the politicians though. They are after all, human beings worried about they own stomach.

BTW, have you heard of the two researchers who have come up with a new discovery, and are in line for the next edition of the Nobel Prize for medicine?

Named Dr. Gastro Garlic and Dr. Dart Fart, they have discovered a new enzyme-secreting-microchip, which when embedded in the stomach of a man/woman (this can be done when a baby is born) will help us break-down and digest all kinds of garbage.

The Indian Govt is already ga-ga over the invention because…they can cut down on garbage containers all over, garbage collection trucks, PWD employees, garbage dumping land etc.

And what do we have to do? When night falls, all families have to meet in the drawing room…. all the garbage in the house will have to be spilled on the floor…and each one has to pick whatever he/she likes and start eating.

But I have a question for those doctors: “Do we do this after dinner…or before dinner?”

If you don`t know this, you are probably young. But the secret of staying young is to lie about your age. For example, I am just 21 years old. I promise.

The good thing about aging is that you don`t have to do anything. Just keep advising and people will notice that you have grown old. By the way, I have no advices for anybody.

Someone once said, the difference between the young and the old is that the young are unaffected by tragedy. How true. Don`t we tend to age when we marry? In a way, age catches up as soon as we have a wife to live with.

Does one become intelligent with age? I am not too sure. I guess, the young fools grow up to become old fools. All that talk of experience (that comes with age) making one sober is bullshit. OK fine…old bullshit.

Despite being fools, most human beings tend to get ‘advisory` when they turn old. No wonder, all those advisory boards that the Govt forms is full of old people – with graying hair, bald heads, wrinkled skin, gnarled hands and legs and an attitude that is best suited for the psychiatrist`s couch.

Does this mean I am anti-old? No way. I just believe in the Chinese tradition of taking the really old to a nearby mountain…place them in a wooden drum with enough supplies to last a week, and then come back. Believe me, it used to happen in China. Makes you wonder, why China is so populated in spite of this practice.

As I said earlier, with age…advice starts flowing. Guess, when they become too old to set a bad example, they start giving good advice.

Will you see India vs Pakistan series on TV? Copying Hollywood: 15 Going on 25!

Talking of advice, I would say the best way to follow an advice is…do exactly the opposite of what is being said to you. Or better still…if you consider the advice very good, type it in a notepad, take a print out, frame it and hang it on your bathroom wall – one that gets the maximum water splash from the shower.

If you ask me what a good advice would be…I would say …find out what the other person wants to hear and then give him just that. At least, he wont put it up on his bathroom wall.

And why am I advising you? Don`t ask me…I am just worried about the younger generation. On second thoughts…I guess they would also grow up and start worrying about the younger generation.

So what are we trying to say here? Nothing…guess I am just old.

Scene: A boy and a girl are sitting on the hot sands that Marina beach (in Chennai) has to offer at 2 p.m. on the Valentine` day. The boy has his hand around the girl`s neck and at regular intervals clears the girl`s hair falling on her face, not knowing that she is using it to shade from the sun. I am dressed as a small boy selling peanuts, with a tin can and some loose change in my sweaty palm.

Boy: We should have come here in the morning. It is too hot.
Girl: Yes it is hot. But at least we are together.
Boy: That`s true. You want to move to that small structure? We might find some shade.
Girl: That`s the structure against which you piss when we come in the night.
Boy: Ohh…yeah.
Girl: Did you realize, this is our first Valentine`s day.
Boy: Really? When did we start going out?
Girl: You already forgot?
Boy: Not really. I was just testing you. We started off in March last year.
Girl: NO! It was October last year.
Boy: Why does it seem so long then?
(The girl fails to comprehend the joke)
Girl: So what did you get me?
Boy: Did you realize…one red rose costs Rs 20. Day time robbery! And I know you don`t like yellow or white roses.
Girl: So, you bought me nothing?
Boy: Rose is nothing compared to what I have planned to gift you….guess what?
Girl: what?
Boy: I have decided to quit smoking. Yahoooo! Isn`t it the best Valentine`s Day gift you could have asked for?
(The girl is shocked. But she can`t show that she doesn`t care. So caries forward the script…)
Girl: That`s really good. But didn`t you quit smoking for my birthday in December?
Boy: I did? (Confused)
(Girl goes into a short huddle with herself to decide if she wants gift the boy or keep it for her friend Priya, who is getting married shortly. She decides to be magnanimous.)

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Girl: Anyways, guess what I bought for you?
Boy: Teddy bear?
Girl: No.
Boy: Heart shaped key-chain?
Girl: No.
Boy: A greeting card with mushy lines?
Girl: No.
Boy: A deodorant?
Girl: No
Boy: Aftershave?
Girl: No.
Boy: You tell me…I am tired. Anyways this heat is sapping.
Girl: I bought you a calendar.
(The girl was yet to tell the boy that her father worked as a Human Resources Manager in MNC and most HR Consultants would present him calendars in the beginning of the year.)
Boy: A calendar? What sort?
Girl: Here you go….(she pulls the calendar out of her handbag)
Boy: This is a sport calendar. You could have bought a calendar with pretty babes on it.
(The girl gets a little upset)
Girl: I never asked you to quit drinking, instead of smoking. Why you complaining?
Boy: So…now you have a problem with my drinking too? Why can`t you accept me as I am?
Girl: Big deal. You can`t buy me a gift on Valentine`s day…and you want me to accept you as you are?
Boy: So you saying I am a cheapo. Wait…or are you complaining about me being poor?
Girl: Neither. But I expected a decent gift …that`s all.
(By now, the boy is terribly upset. And he is trying to tear the calendar gifted to him… in the process he notices the ‘With warm regards, One Step Consultants` sticker.)
Boy: Look who was calling me a cheapo! You are a cheapo! A big cheapo!
Girl: I don`t want to speak to you. Bye.
Boy: Bye. I also don`t care about you!

The peanut boy that I was, I could not hang on longer (remember I did not wear slippers and the sand was hot..) to listen to their conversation.

Did their relationship end in a tragic note? Or did the St. Valentine spirit overcome them and they called each other and ask for forgiveness? We would never know. What we do know is…Valentine`s Day drives a very big wedge between lovers and husband & wives…and families.

If you don`t believe me….read how I felt about Valentine`s day last year (when I was not married).

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
– Groucho Marx

I might not be a Groucho Marx, but my thoughts on Television match his.

No wonder TV is also known as an idiot box. Now, I am looking for the idiot who gave TV that name. Couldn`t he have waited for me to come and name it? What was the hurry?

Anyways, I was watching Television last evening and suddenly realized how much we all owe Thomas Alva Edison. Had it not been for him, we would perhaps be watching TV by candlelight. And what if there were strong winds, and the candle got blown off? End of TV till somebody found a box of matches or the wind subsidized?

My wife Rekha likes Television.

“Don`t talk of Television like this. It is God`s gift to mankind,” she says.

“And I thought I gifted this TV to you on this New Year`s Eve.” I shoot back.

“That is all fine…I am saying TV is popular, and I don`t want to be the odd woman out…so, I also like it. It is a medium,” she says with a triumphant smile on the face that I fell for.

“Yeah, medium alright. If it were a fully thought out and well worked out consumer durable, why would they call it a medium? Does anybody call a Fridge or a washing machine a medium?” I stretch my intelligence.

As always Rekha gives me the stare and walks away into the drawing room, switches on the TV and starts staring at Shah Rukh Khan and Rani Mukherjee engaged in a duel…oops duet.

We bought our Samsung TV this New Year`s Eve. When, I started watching TV on January 1, 2005…I was renewing a habit I left behind in Madurai (in Tamil Nadu) in 1998.

Leave alone watching TV, I hadn`t seen one in these eight years of my existence. BTW, this is an exaggeration…

So, while checking out the features available…I noticed one option for ‘Brightness.` I had a choice to ‘increase` or ‘decrease` the brightness. Having found the ongoing program below my level of intelligence…I decided to increase the brightness. The program did not change…the screen became bright white.
Later, Rekha would tell me that this feature was to increase/decrease the luminance of the TV screen.

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But frankly, I think TVs do have certain magnetism. It is not possible that all those millions who spend time in front of the Television are fools and I am not. It is definitely more interesting than people – at least more interesting than our family members. No offence, mommy!

Even if we agree that TV is a good influence….what is it that keeps you glued to the idiot box for the whole day? Coz you have nothing to do? Then why watch people who know nothing?

After watching some political leaders fight it out on TV, I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. It is time we gave other professionals – Doctors, Engineers, Software developers, Photographers – a chance to rule the nation.

Agreed, we are a democracy. Agreed, people like you and I can get on radio or TV and kid our politicians. But does that give our politicians a right to appear on TV and kid us?

I know, there are a few good politicians out there. People like P Chidambaram, Dr Manmohan Singh, Jaswant Singh etc. But the rest of the 95% are giving this 5% of good netas a very bad name.

I would not want to name the politician here. “What is in a name? A politician by any name would smell the same.” No, Shakespeare did not say this.

Watching the politician do a somersault while on TV was quite a pissing experience. No wonder, somebody once said “politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed regularly for the same reason.”

There was a time when I had wanted to become a politician.

“Father, I want to become like Rajiv Gandhi. Can I? I had asked.” Then I was thirteen years old.

“Son, I think you should really get into politics. You can speak Hindi, are photogenic and are also a good liar.” My father had replied.

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“But I don`t know. I am not sure if I really what to become a politician.” I retorted.

“Son, don`t you worry. You will fit right in. Just dump those jeans and get a pair of kurtas. Two to start with…you don`t want to invest and then realize that you can`t lie before the camera.”

“But father, how is it for a profession? Would I be respected in the society?” An ignorant me asked.

“It is the World`s second oldest profession. Very similar to the World`s first profession.” My father had winked when he completed the sentence. Then, I would not understand the import of his wink….but later I would come to know that World`s oldest profession was prostitution. Bingo! Everything fell into place.

I am glad I did not grow up to be a politician. Perhaps, I was scared of losing my life. My fears stand vindicated, because according to a reliable source… from Financial Year 2005, labs workings on cosmetics are going to test their products on politicians and not animals.

Talking of cosmetics, now I know why there are so few women in politics….they have to put make-up on two faces. 😉

My wife has inspired this post, like all others in this blog.

She wanted a kid. I said we could have a kid as soon as both of us were ready. She was adamant, which lead to a scene. I was adamant, and it lead to injuries. Physical and emotional.

How do I explain it to her that first I want grandchildren and then I would go for my children. Wonder why? Read on…

Agreed familiarity breeds contempt, and children, but when was it that my wife and I got familiar?

Anyways, times haven`t really moved in India – the tradition of parents obeying their children still exists. Twenty years hence…nothing has changed.

Way back, somebody even suggested that if the parents could become more intelligent they would be able to control the kids. That was not to be, but the book “How to Raise your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children,” went on to become a best-seller.

Soon, parents started disliking children from an early age, so as to avoid a lot of expense and aggravation when they grow up to be teenagers (like Mehak). Just to clear a point here, I don`t dislike kids…just that I want them to be my grandchildren.

I suggest you don`t tell me that I can`t straightaway have grandchildren. I have also read that quote: “If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t, either.” Come on give me a break. It is as good as saying, “If you parents never kissed, chances are you won`t either.”

I know for a fact that Laloo never kissed Rabri (or vice versa). But don`t they have children studying in Delhi Public School, Delhi? And if they are studying in DPS, Delhi how do you expect them not to have kissed?

There is no animal besides man (and woman – for those feminists who read my blog) who have children because they want to. That is, if we ignore Guppies – fishes who breed so that they can eat their kids.

Amitabh, Abhishek & Ash are an item! Click Here

Children are not bad enough to be eaten. Just that they get dangerous when in the company of grandparents. The grandparents & the grandchildren gang up against the middle generation. Chances are… they target the common enemy, which more often than not, will be you.

I don`t remember who said this, but somebody did compare US of A to a spoilt child. Though an American, he had inadvertently said “the direct use of force is a poor solution to any problem, and is employed only by small children and large nations.” May his soul rest in piece. That is, if the CIA has already found out where he stays and blown his brains off.

Mind you, when children use force it is difficult to manage. Even for machos like my father. When I was a kid, my father never raised his hand at me. It exposed his mid-riff and he was scared of my upper-cut (the one that made Mike Tyson popular).

But whatever happened, my father always let me come back into the house. Maybe, if we had a den instead of a house, and my father was a lion….and I was a cub…I wouldn`t have been writing this. No…stupid…I know lions don`t write…I was saying …the father lion would have killed the cub lion. And the cub lion would have been me. But all this, only if we were a lion family. Phew!

As soon as I stated asking questions that had answers, my father distanced himself. He said…I should go and play outside. And when we did not go out to play, he would take us to many places. But we would always manage to come back home.

My father loved my mother. My mother loved us. And we were supposed to love our father…so that the family cycle got completed. But fortunately for that shopkeeper nearby and unfortunately for my father…we loved lollipops. The family cycle never got completed.

Now, you know why I prefer grandchildren to children.

As for grandchildren, the biggest advantage is…you can beat them up and yet not fear the repercussions. For they are not the ones going to select your old age home!

Happy Valentine`s Day Rekha – 3
(Rekha and I understand this. You can ignore it)