Month: May 2005

Super Heros

Superman`s confidence has always left me in awe. It is not easy to wear your underwear over your trouser and yet walk tall on a busy road.

As if wearing ones underwear over ones trouser was not enough…he also had a big ‘S` for ‘Sucker` on his chest. Not to mention that red flowing ‘bridely` piece of cloth that follows him wherever he goes. Funny, he is considered the most macho man. No offense to Christopher Reeve, who played Superman in reel life and died a paralytic I real life. Ironies of life.

Somebody who can challenge Superman`s popularity is Spiderman. No, he is not a by-product of a relationship between a spider and a man…he was bitten by a spider and he went on to develop muscles and become the great weaver. Some even call him a spinner. No, he doesn`t play cricket. I have always had this doubt weather Spiderman would die if we spray Hit, the popular pesticide that is advertised on TV, on him.

When I was a kid, I tried to imitate him by sticking nicely chewed Big Fun (that was a popular chewing gum) on my wrists and trying to make a web. That`s when I realized being a Super Hero was not an easy life.

I also have severe doubts on Spiderman`s bathroom habits. Pray somebody tell me how he goes to the loo…I have never seen a zip in any part of this clothing. If I were him, and I were climbing the walls like he does..chasing criminals…I would make sure I had well-defined emergency ‘piss` facility. I don`t want to be chasing criminals on a 50-storied building and pissing in my pants.

Even Batman doesn`t have such a facility. But then, he sure is a man with some balls. If only he had a pair of stumps..he would be a cricketing institution in himself. Imagine…bat, ball and stumps. Why was he ever named batman? Couldn`t they get a better name? Something like a Parrot-man…or Peacock-man. Or if you are too much into science and think that a Bat (which is a mammal) has to be replaced only by a mammal…let us suggest Whale-man…or Gorilla-man…or for that matter a man-man. Wow…did not see that one coming! Lest we forget, Batman also believes in wearing his undies over his trousers.

Remember that cool dude who would stick to Batman…the same dude that pretty girls would swoon for? Our next-door neighbor Robin? His name irks me. Why wasn`t he named after a Woodpecker or a crow or a Kingfisher …at least Kingfisher would have added some kick to his existence.

(Off a tangent: I have to admit that for a long while I thought the book ‘Robinson Crusoe` by Daniel Defoe was actually ‘Robinson Curse` with a spelling mistake on the cover.)

Getting back to Super Heros…I wonder if Phantom can be seen in a mirror. Don`t they say that ghosts can`t be seen in the mirror? And if that is true, how does Mr Phantom dress up? How does he know which finger to wear his skull-ring on? I got to say here that the purple dress (ladies please excuse the men…we are color blind) doesn`t go too well with his muscles. And aren`t those goggles old fashioned?

Talking of being old fashioned, I think He-Man needs to grow up. You cannot always have a cat for a vehicle. Things change…now the villains are getting fission-powered vehicles that can have sex with other machines. Now, that`s what I can artificial intelligence. And you don`t win fights with swords anymore. My guess is he would have been really popular in the days of King Ashoka or Chandra Gupta Maurya – the days of the sword. Wonder why the emphasis in his name…can`t we see that he is a man?

A few days back while looking at Mallika Sherawat, I was reminded of Wonder Woman. In the good old days when the air was clean and sex was dirty… Wonder Woman was the only lady with a bra and a panty for clothes. Now, there are many. Most appear on Z-Music. I think being a fan of a lady super hero is passé. Now, the in thing is to adore your wife – the real super hero.

Rekha… Rekha…please can I have a beer this weekend?

10,000+ page views in a month! Hurray!

I know numbers mean nothing…but this one is for the kicks.

In May, this Blog reached the 10,000 mark. With one more day to go for this month to be over…this Blog has received 10,263 Page Views.

The total number of visitors to this Blog in this month have been 3,863…and they went on to see 10,263 pages. Simple maths (with some help from a calculator) suggests that each person saw at least 2.7 pages.

I am having a beer tonight. No…the fact that I am getting my salary today has got nothing to do with my celebration.

A post on Super Heros like Superman, Spiderman, Batman etc to follow.

Categories
Office

A real conversation with my previous boss

Boss: What`s up?
Me: Ceiling.
Boss: No, besides that.
Me: My spirits.
Boss: That was not very smart.
Me: I agree.
Boss: So what`s up?
Me: The fan.
Boss: Besides the fan, ceiling and your spirits…you idiot.
Me: Hmm….the pealing plaster?
Boss: Did not see that one coming. What is up…besides the ceiling, fan, your spirits and the pealing plaster?
Me: Nothing much.
Boss: How about work?
Me: Yeah that is happening.
Boss: What is happening?
Me: The work.
Boss: What work?
Me: The usual work.
Boss: What usual work?
Me: The usual stuff.
Boss: What usual stuff?
Me: You know…the works.
Boss: Let me put it straight…what is the work you have been doing sitting here for the whole of last week, which you can show me, and claim to be good for the company?
Me: That`s not a very straight question.
Boss: Why?
Me: You are indirectly asking me if I was of any worth to the company.
Boss: Good you got the indirect meaning of my direct question.
Me: You could have been direct.
Boss: I thought I was direct.
Me: So are you going to sack me?
Boss: Yes.
Me: I have no problems. I have this brother of mine… who is a good worker…would fit right into my profile…would you want him to come for an interview tomorrow?
Boss: Sure.
Me: Thought you should know…he is my identical twin. Only thing he doesn`t have a mustache.
Boss: Sure, ask him to meet me tomorrow.
Me: Sure. You are a smart boss. By the way, do you know a barber shop nearby?

Rekha and I differ in our opinion

Rekha and I have started differing in our opinion. Not that we did not differ earlier. Now we differ more often.

Our first difference of opinion was when we ended up loving different people. Eventually, we got married to different people. She married me and I married her. Not a good thing to start a relationship with.

(The following line has been inspired by a T-shirt)

We also differ on religious note. I think I am God and she thinks I am not.

On the political front, she is all red. No, she doesn`t blush when we talk of politics…I meant that she is communist. No wonder, all this while she also expected me to chip in with household work. I am more of a congressman. Been like that ever since I fell in love with Priyanka Gandhi. It is another story that Robert Wadhera piped me to the post. Guess, his height helped him clinch the deal.

On the geographical front, we are tied between Kerala and Tamil Nadu. When she talks of the high literacy rates in Kerala, I talk of the high per-capita income of Tamil Nadu…and when she talks of Mamooty..I refer to Rajinikanth. If we were to take a movie on our discussions on movies from the two states…we would probably win the National Award for dialogue.

On the sociology front, I have a generous lead. She believes high population is the reason why India is today a super power. I say if India were not as populated…we would have been a super power by now. Sticking to her stand, she says she wants to have four kids…two boys and two girls (and both twins). Where would I go for such a combination? Wonder if I can download them from the internet. If you ask me, I am fine with one kid…and that too before the Family Planning department of India change the slogan to “Three is a Crowd” from the existing…”We are two…we need only one”.

On the Economical front, she takes a lead by far. Any amount of persuasion…not to mention my BA in Economics…doesn`t seem to hold water with my wife. She runs the show. I have to resort to shop-lifting to cater to my daily needs. Last week, I even got caught…but when I narrated my tale of woe…the shop-keeper relented. He understood. Looks like he has a wife.

Even one hour back we had a small fight….she said “I love you.” And I said…”But I don`t love me. I love you.”

We are yet to call each other and patch up.

Traffic update from my wife

Wonder if there were traffic policewomen 40 years back. Coz, if they were …I can be sure that in her previous birth Rekha was a traffic policewoman.

From the moment she sits on my Yamaha at 8.30 a.m. till the time I drop her (at 8.50 a.m.) at her office, she gives live commentary on the prevailing traffic. And this commentary of hers changes each day of the week. There is no pattern and no logic.

Here is the yapping reproduced as I get it from her, with my comments in italics.

Monday:
Looks like everybody has had a good weekend and now wants to get back to work. That is why as early as 8.30 a.m. you can see so much traffic. I am sure most of these people have something pending from the previous week…which they want to get over with before their bosses enter the office.

I have this feeling that Rekha`s boss needs to speak to her about managing tasks. Leaving previous week`s tasks undone is not a healthy habit.

Tuesday:
Do you notice that the road is full of two-wheelers and not many cars at 8.30 a.m. I am sure the seniors are taking it easy after initiating the work-flow on Monday itself.

Since Rekha and I are the lift-woman and tea-boy in our respective offices, we go to office on a Yamaha.

Wednesday:
It is 8.30 a.m. and there are too few vehicles on the road. Do you think we are late? Actually, I think everybody is going through a mid-week crisis. Why would anybody want to be in office at 9.00 a.m. on a Wednesday? The composition of the traffic, in terms of cars and bikes, is as expected…so one can safely assume that this mid-week crisis affects all levels of executives.

I still wonder how she is able to see the composition of the traffic, sitting on my Yamaha, which is at its tallest place only 76 cms tall.

Thursday:
It is just 8.30 a.m. and the whole road is clogged. Guess, everybody wants to finish their pending assignments today itself, so that they can enjoy their Friday…. perhaps, even leave early. Today there are more of cars and less of bikes. Naturally so, because the bosses want to be in office so that they can finish delegating and leave for weekend trips on Thursday evening itself.

My guess is, Rekha`s boss leaves on Thursday and returns only on Monday. My other guess is, in her company they don`t work on Fridays but just hang around in the office. But what the heck…hanging around in office is always better (esp. in summer) because we don`t have air conditioning in our house.

Friday:
Why is the road so full? Doesn`t anybody realize that it is Friday? Don`t tell me they failed to organize their work on Thursday itself. I can see very few cars…guess the bosses are off. If they want to just hang around the office on Fridays…can`t these people go late? Or do you think they have limited parking space in their office building and hence everybody wants to be there early?

Rekha thinks everybody in Chennai (and everywhere else in the World) work in MNCs.

Saturday:
Rajan, I was thinking there are too many cars on the road for a Saturday ….ho shucks…I am in an auto…..

Thank God for small mercies…on Saturdays I stay at home and Rekha brings back the daily bread.

Categories
Uncategorized

What is in a name

Shakespeare said it. And we have lived with it. But there is a lot in a name. Shakespeare who in one of his theatre production (think Romeo & Juliet) said “What is in a name. A rose by any name will smell the same.”

I disagree. If that were so, why is Shah Rukh Khan always named ‘Rahul` in his movies? And why was Amitabh always named ‘Vijay` in his movies?
Why were these two men never named Ramaswamy (incidentally, that is my father`s name) or ChandraShekaran (coincidentally that is my father-in-law`s name)?

While on the topic of names in movies…we cannot ignore the fact that all male servants are named ‘Ramu`. Watchmen are always ‘Bahadur`.

One small Trivia: In the movies made in 1940s and 50s Ramu used to be the hero`s name.

When on the subject matter of watchmen…how can we forget the criminals? Those that are always named Peter, Tony and Robert. Ever wondered why the henchmen are always Christians? Some day I want to catch a movie-maker by his collar bone and question him on why they never name the henchmen…Shivnarain, Narayanamurthy or for that matter Balasubramanian.

Talking of Christian names in movies…when it is a Father in a church, he is always addressed as Father Francis. Sisters are always Sister Mary. Think about it…have you ever heard sisters being addressed as – Sister Miranda, Sister Teresa, Sister Meganalia or for that matter home grown Sister Kamala.

Our movies have always been masala items. A Hindi movie is ready if it has one romance, one item number, one villain, one comedian and one murder.

Talking of murder…the police inspectors are always Inspector Pandeys. The one movie that had a different name for an inspector was when Nana Patekar played Sadhu Agashe in Ab Tak Chhappan. The funny thing about that movie was…just because Nana Patekar`s name was not ‘Pandey` everybody went around saying that the movie was a lot different from the usual police flicks. They even called it Experimental.

The last time I heard an Indian heroine say her role in her yet-to-release movie was experimental, I asked her: “What is so special?”

She said: “I cut my hair short for the movie.”

Ever since, I have stopped watching her moves, leave alone movies.

Getting back to the whats-its-name….yeah…the whole naming business…I still wonder why all the Anglo-Indians in Hindi movies are called Gonzalves. And why are all poor Goan fishermen called Barganza?

This logical conclusion that names are important and there is more to them than mere smell …makes us wonder if Shakespeare was a fool. No…not the Hindi fool, the English fool!

Categories
Uncategorized

Bus travel – bus ho gaya

Did you know the intra-city bus service in Chennai is considered one of the best in India? If you didn`t …chances are don`t read the magazine I have subscribed for.

On Saturday, I traveled by bus from Velachery (in Chennai) to the Central station. It was quite an experience.

While talking of bus travel, I cannot but narrate what happened when I traveled from Delhi to Jaipur in a bus. It was way back in 1995…and I was traveling with a gang of young boys willing to take on the world. I still believe at least two of the advertisements we see on TV are inspired by this bus service – first would be the Fevicol advertisement in which 100+ people are stuck to the outside of the bus, and second would be the car advertisement wherein the catch line is ‘because we like to carry our world with us`. I think it is for the Indigo car.

In that bus, all had forgotten to travel light. Besides, half of them were always asking for a light to light their beedis. Thanks to the beedis, the inside of the bus looked like a dream sequence. The only thing missing was a heroine to dance to our tunes and her coterie.

Some of the travelers were transporting hens & other birds in cages, some had sacks of vegetables, many others had bundles of crackers, few others were sophisticated…they were carrying suitcases. It seemed everybody in that bus to Jaipur was shifting his or her house.

My Saturday travel was quite different. The 11E bus goes to Central station, but when the 25B came and stopped right in front of me…I realized it doesn`t take long to be pushed into the wrong bus by strong people. It is only a matter of timing. Having got into 25B, going in the opposite direction, I had to get down and walk my way to the bus stand.

Eventually, I got 11E. Sometime back I had read that per-square feet rates were going up in Chennai. That seems to be truer in the case of busses. Try getting a space of your own in a bus at 8 a.m. on a weekday.

As soon as I got in, I heard the conductor saying: “Everybody out there…get in. I want nobody on the footboard.”

Nobody else but I moved. Guess, I am just too obedient. Marriage has changed everything.

While trying to get in, I brushed against a lady in the crowd. Not intentionally of course. The lady turned back angrily but when she realized that it was I – a young handsome man – who had by mistake brushed her, she cooled down and turned away. My guess is…if only I had not been handsome; she would have created a scene.

Inside the bus, I smelt onion, garlic, molasses, rum, hooch, Domex, Savlon, Liril, Rasna, lemon rice and rotten eggs. Not to mention all the other smells that I could not identify.

As I gasped for air and looked out of the bus, the outside world seemed good. More comfortable. Many things that work outside of the bus don`t work inside it. For example.. your credit card, which the conductor won`t accept.

I hung from the top rails as the bus meandered through the early-morning traffic. Some around me were standing yet sleeping. Perhaps, that is why I managed to rush to a vacated seat and yet get it. The moment I sat on the rickety seat, I regretted. Three pretty school girls – I think they were in their 12th grade – smiled at me and said: “Uncle, can you please hold our school bags?”

Before, I could get over the shock of being called an uncle; I had three bags on my lap. First had a leaking water bottle, second a lunch box that had opened and the third had a frog in a glass bottle – perhaps for the practical.

I had to get down at the Central station. I signaled the girls to take back their bags. As I got up, I offered one of them the seat….but they refused. I wondered why, because when I was 20-year-old, girls would rush in to sit where I had once sat.

As I was leaving, one of the girls said: “Thank you uncle.” That hurt.

My Great Escape

A few weeks back I watched this movie called – The Great Escape. Amazing movie.

It is based on a true story – the largest Allied escape attempt from a German POW camp during the Second World War. Stuck in an escape-proof prison, the allied escape artists orchestrate a master plan that works. Though all the prisoners don`t escape…70 do manage to breathe free.

Ever since I have been planning my own ‘Great Escape’ from my house. The allied soldiers have inspired my escape attempt. I am taking it slow…and not taking any risks…lest I jeopardize my long-term plans.

As you are aware, I have been married for the last 9 months…and now I am yearning for some fresh air. I need to escape from the early morning wake-up alarms, the get-ready for office shouts, the report for breakfast bell, the aren`t you coming for dinner shout from the kitchen and the get into the bed and sleep tight shout after the roll-call.

I have already started digging a tunnel under my bed. Rekha cannot spot it because she runs the house from the drawing room.

Under my pillow I have two forks, and a knife, which will stand me in good stead till the tunnel digging is completed. I also have a Canary (it is a bird miners use to detect the Methane levels). No, the Canary is not under my pillow.

Digging is slow and painful….because it is concrete. Sometimes, I have to wait up to 3 a.m. to start digging. I cannot afford to take risks.

If you were me, and I were you….I am sure you would appreciate my slow progress. It is not easy to dig a tunnel under a bed, when your wife is sleeping on it. The summer is slowing down the progress further. If only we had bought a cot with some more height…I would not be suffering with severe back spasms.

One issue remains….we stay in the 1st floor. Wonder how the ground floor occupant will react when he sees me getting down from his roof.

As an alternative I am also working on a Tarzan swing (a long, strong rope that can be used to swing over an obstacle) from our French window. Once the swing is ready, I can steal way from Rekha`s eyes, swing over our apartment`s surrounding wall and breathe some independence. I have heard independence is good…….some free American friends have said so.

I am using the bed-sheets in my bedroom to form the swing. Keep it to yourself, but everyday I have been taking 2-3 threads from the bed sheet and tying them together so that in two month`s time I will have a strong enough rope. Since, it is gradual progress…Rekha will never notice it.

The only worry is….will winter set in before I finish work on the rope? Coz, in winter…my wife will want to use the bed sheet. Or should I change the date on our Television set and her mobile, so that she doesn`t know when winter sets in? I am confused. But I guess…freedom comes with a price (and some bruises here and there).

Will I manage to escape? Or will I be caught and tried at Rekha`s court? Watch this space. Hope you can keep a secret.