Month: June 2005

Poof!

I am going to Madurai this weekend – Rekha and I are leaving to Madurai tonight.

If you happen to be at the Egmore station today between 8-9.30 p.m. and are looking for some tense moments come and meet me. I would be easy to tell…I would be pulling along a bag as tall as I am and would be chasing a well-dressed, quick walking malkin…who will be scolding me even as she would avoid fellow travelers coming from the opposite side.

If you land up late…we would be in our seats. If you see a bespectacled guy with a huge bag on his lap…and a pretty malkin occupying rest of the seat…you can safely guess that it is us – the family.

Come over and talk…but not a word of this blog. Just wink at me and I would tell my malkin that you were an old classmate. If you are a girl, I would dissuade you from meeting me…but even if you do come…I would introduce you as that girl from Kolkata who tied Rakhi on my right hand for ten consecutive years.

If the posts are few and far between…I hope you would understand. It just means that I am gearing up for some spicy daughter-in-law-in-mother stories.

Let me see if I am able to keep myself away from my Blog till Monday. Maybe, like a bed bug that rushes into a sleeping man`s trosuers, I will rush into an internet browsing center as soon as I land in Madurai!!

How NASA selected me for one of their programs

Did you know NASA has decided to send me to the moon? I know you probably wonder why NASA would want to do that ….well, they sent a monkey in the 70s…didn`t they?

And anyways, there aren`t too many honest men with nothing to lose, and with a heart that beats for the others. Just that in my case, NASA doesn`t know that my heart beats for that Gayathri, who lives down the lane.

To cut the long story short, a month back NASA was in India scouting for its ‘Piss on the Moon` program …oops…sorry ‘Miss on the Moon` program. They were looking for people who were intelligent, physically fit, emotionally balanced, psychologically well-placed and …good looking too.

More than a Lakh people had applied for the job of a lifetime…but the shrewd NASA recruiters cut that down by half by asking the bachelors to leave. Later the chief examiner said: “Those that are not married are not emotionally balanced….or shall we say are not emotionally hardened. And anyways they are always running after girls…unlike the married, who have given up.”

They then asked us if we wore the pants at home. That is if we had control over our respective wives at home. I said yes…and so did 25,000 other men. The rest 24,999 were asked to leave. Now we were only 25,001. When we asked why we had been selected over the others, the chief examiner said: “Only an intelligent man will know how to tackle a lady, and yet not antagonize her.”

Next they conducted various tests on us. They made us run and they made us lift and they made us jump…being married men…we all were physically fit. One could also blame it on the non-vegetarian food (read worm-infested) our wives were feeding us daily. In this category we had intense competition…but as they say…when a man has to go a man has to go. After the physical test, only 10,000 of us remained. As the post-exam analysis the chief examiner would say: “Most men try to be in shape to be on their wives radar. If that cannot be motivation enough for a man to stay fit…there is nothing else that can motivate him. Not even a trip to the Moon.”

From the 10,000 the NASA people wanted to select the top five. I was all ready for the challenges. As you might me aware, I am quite a challenge-loving guy. So much so, most of my friends say that I am challenged one way or the other.

As part of the psychological test they asked us five questions. Based on my answers I was selected as one of the five candidates who would vie for the single spot on a shuttle to moon. Here are the five questions and my answers –

Q: Who cooks at home?
A: Does that matter?

Q: Your wife scolds you, how will you react?
A: Stay calm.

Q: Your in-laws come? Do you stay at home or show your anger by coming home late?
A: Pour my father-in-law a drink in the evening. Buy my mother-in-law some rasgullas. Bite my tongue and pray for their quick exit.

Q: You have to dry your wives clothes but your male friends are standing under your balcony. What will you do?
A: One option is wait till they leave or till it gets dark. The other is to pretend as if Bahadur Shah Zafar used to wash clothes for his wife and go and dry them.

Q: What is maturity?
A: The ability to take a belan on your chin and yet not refuse dinner.

Now that I was one of the five people selected for the ‘Miss on the Moon` program…I was very excited. Our next test was simple…we had spelling contest…I won because in the tie-breaker they asked us to spell ‘Cinnamon` and nobody else knew.

I was really excited. I had been selected for the ‘Miss on the Moon` program. I would have loved better if it was ‘Piss on the Moon` program…I have always wanted to.

Even as I was wondering who the ‘Miss` in the program will be – Angelina Jolie or Sushmita Sen – the chief examiner announced: “Congrats, you have been selected. You now officially qualify for the ‘Miss on the Moon` program. You will have to take your wife along!”

Caption This

Monkeys have great intelligence. You would be surprised to know that some of them are more intelligent that us. Have a look at some of the monkeys that are not only more intelligent than you…but are also more famous.

And if you search for my picture in that page….I am sorry you would be disappointed…I am no monkey. I am a pig. As for you highness….I am not so sure…try having a look at the mirror.

Now, how about leaving a caption in the comment box?

Caption Update

Guys who have not gone through the ‘Comments’ page…should imediately do so. There are some amazing captions. And here are a few captions I could think of…

1) And I thought we live in a digital, paperless world.
2) Had we known so much paper would be used to wipe ass, we could have saved at least two trees.
3) Save paper, save environment. Stop wiping ass.
4) Gasp! Draupadi in her monkey avatar? And why is Lord Krishna hiding?

Music…

I am not much of a music guy. Guess, I am not civilized…and cultured. I am not happening.

For me ‘Rolling Stones` are nothing but stones that gather no moss. ‘Beatles` are insects to be squished. ‘Beach Boys` are the ones that sell peanuts on the beach…thus disturbing Rekha and me during our quality time together. ‘RadioHead` for me is the small antenna atop my transistor. ‘Bob Dylan` and ‘Bob Marley` are two varieties of beer made from Barley.

‘Pink Floyd` is something pink that makes a lot of noise. ‘U2` and ‘U40` are two buses that will take me from Velachery (in Chennai) to Egmore (again in Chennai). ‘Led Zeppelin` is grandson of the man who invented the airborne Zeppelins used during WW1. ‘Smashing Pumpkins` is what we Indians do on the road to avoid the evil eye…and in the process kill so many motorists.

‘Madonna` is just a statue that cries (with tears of blood) whenever required. ‘Elvis Presley` is some printing press owned by a guy named Elvis. ‘Red Hot Chilli Peppers` is the Mexican food that Rekha likes so much, and I don`t. ‘FatBoy Slim` is the third atomic bomb US dropped on Japan – yes, the one that did not go off. ‘Nirvana` is nothing but a mental state of no noise. ‘The Eagles` are well…eagles.

‘Guns ‘n Roses` is just a phrase that means war and peace. For me ‘Aerosmith` is somebody who works on the iron used to build aeroplanes…somebody like a blacksmith. As for ‘Pearl Jam`…I guess it is ocean`s equivalent of a traffic jam, when many oysters (with pearls inside) jam up at a place and affect smooth functioning of the traffic.
‘Shania Twain` is Mark Twain`s sister …or is it the brother? As for ‘Grateful Death`…well it is a phrase used for somebody who should be grateful if allowed to die.

Like I said, I am not much of a music guy. I know no albums, no bands, and no singers.

The Indian Govt is like a condom

(This is definately not my own….but worth sharing.)

One can say that Indian Govt is like a condom because it allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed.

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Some Sentences

Here are some of the sentences that I can never forget. Some I can never understand. Here I have listed both the type of sentences.

Sentences that I have never understood…

May the Lord rest in peas.
(Why should the Lord rest in peas? Is that his favorite food? If that is true…how come my boss hates peas?)

War and piece.
(Heard it is a classic by Leo Tolstoy. Never read it though…)

Seas the opportunity.
(Opportunity it seems is a well-oiled-stone statue with no clothes, but a tuft of hair on his forehead…. opportunity comes only once…and is difficult to grab. Let us seas the opportunity.)

Ah..men!
(Why does everybody say this after their prayers? Quite biased I would say…I am surprised the Mahila Morcha is yet to raise it up as an issue.)

Sentences that I can never forget…

“I could not sea that was coming.”
(This one was heard during Tsunami)

“I road this letter but did not post it.”
(my blunt-tongued cousin with a newly-written letter in his hand)

“Everybody says I am a boar. But a few say…I can learn to be exciting.”
(my friend Ashiwn after rushing out of a bachelor`s party fully drunk)

“This prayer is damn good. He can score a goal whenever he wants.”
(my soccer crazy 7-year old neighbor)

“I can where any shirt I want. I just need to know wear it is.”
(somebody very close to my heart. No..not Rekha you dimwit)

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Mathematics

Mathematics is the queen of the sciences.
– Carl Friedrich Gauss

And I pity the King. Blame it on my not-so-good mathematical experience. To sum it up, I just hate mathematics. So much so, when I last changed my job they asked me, “So how much do you expect?” I said: “I am fine with anything as long as I don`t have to count and spend my money.”

For long I had thought Srinivasa Ramanujam was a vocalist. He somehow had that ring to his name. And I guess, that is why I was pretty disappointed when my father said he was a mathematician. Not that my father was good in math…he still thinks he has two children, when in fact we are three.

My next brush with math was when in class three, one bald 35-year-old man asked me to bring along my parents to school. On enquiry my desk-mate said he was our math teacher. Funny because I had not realized….and I had been attending all his classes. I somehow had this feeling that I had never seen his face. Perhaps, it was because he always faced the blackboard scribbling the problems. But I did recognize his back….as soon as he finished speaking to my parents, and turned…I shouted: “Well, that`s my math teacher.”

My parents had met my math teacher. But that hadn`t helped because…as I told you earlier my father was also weak in math. As for my mother…she thought my father was actually the Issac Newton of mathematics…so you can imagine where my mother stood.

Women are supposed to be good at bargaining…but not my mother. I was standing next to her…and she was having this discussion with the fruit vendor.

“How much will you charge for one dozen mangoes?” my mother asked.

“Rs five per mango madam. One dozen will be sixty rupees madam.” It was the vendor speaking.

“No, that is too much. Here is the deal…I buy 15 mangoes but you will have to give it to me for nothing more than 100 rupees. So deal?”

Without batting an eye, the vendor said: “It is a deal madam. You seem like a hard bargainer.”

I could not calculate the loss to the family early enough to salvage some pride. But I did notice a smirk on the vendor`s face….and we are now his most favored customers.

My sisters weren`t good either. They were so bad that after sometime the teachers stopped calling our parents to school. Instead they started praying. One of them even lighted a candle everyday at the nearby church.

If you are not good in math, and you are a kid…it is alright. But once you grow up and there is s&*^-load of responsibilities on you…it becomes difficult without math.

For example, while discussing with my father-in-law (just before my marriage to Rekha)…he asked me: “So what do you expect in dowry?”

“I am not good in math, so you could give me whatever you feel like.” I replied.

Surprisingly he was not upset that I was asking for dowry. Instead he hugged me and tears rolled down his eyes. He whispered into my ears: “Don`t worry my son, I know what you actually need.”

I still have the Mathematics book (of 856 pages) that my Father-in-law gifted me…because I had told him: “I am not good in math, so you could give me whatever you feel like.”

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How to bring traffic to your Blog

I read Kiruba`s ‘How to increase your Blog Traffic`…pretty neat stuff. He should know, for he is the top Blogger according to BlogStreet. He is a good friend of mine…at least he was when I began writing this post.

Here is what I (notice that I is in Bold) think will get you more traffic –

Put Up Your Picture
If you happen to be as handsome as I am, you should put up your photograph on the Blog. Suggest you take the picture from the best angle. Not from where your huge tobacco-stained teeth show…and definitely not from the angle where girls will be able to see pakoda-nose. If possible, apply some gel and let some strands on your forehead. Will give you that romantic look. If you don`t know what I am talking of …see the top let corner of this page.

Write About Your Wife
Everybody in the World has worries. As a result they like to read about somebody else`s worries…like when my wife used forceps to pull out my nails or when she poured hot water on my feet when I ask for new pair of socks. So write about your worries…crib…stomp…puke…do whatever but never ever write anything positive.

Book your own domain
Yes…I would say that. Book domains like www.sexy.com, www.naked.com or www.porn.com and then redirect them to your Blog. I can assure you…your hits would go up in no time. Who knows the men visiting your site might also end up reading some of your posts.

Get Your Custom e-mail
Here again, I agree with Kiruba. The traffic to your site increase when people realize that you actually have a site. But wonder why my custom e-mail id did not work. Perhaps, it was too long…jamshedvelayudarajan@jamshedvelayudarajan.com

Add Meta Tags
I added Meta tags to my site and in no time the search engines started throwing me up all over the place – as if I were some dosa had in the morning. Here are some of the Meta Tags I have added: Sexy babe, Mallika Sherawat, Jism, Kareena Kapoor and Shahid kapoor, DPS MMS, Paris Hilton, Anna Kournikova, Pamela Anderson etc.

Make your site look Orange
Change your website`s look and feel to Orange…the color of life. Now you know why when it is sunrise…the sky is orange. It is the only color that comes from a fruit…Orange. There is no fruit called red, yellow, green or black…and naturally… none of these colors come from a fruit. Once you make your site orange, all those people who are in the pink of their health will come to your site…and anyways if they don`t come you can beat them black and blue…till they lie in hospital bed looking all yellow.

Comment on Other Sites
I would say go ahead…and comment all you can. Initially that trick did not work…and nobody came to my Blog. Then I understood a surefire method to boost traffic…I started leaving messages like “You are a sucker!”, “Hey…dirt bag…care to chase me?”, “Hey sack of shit..want a one-on-one…come to my blog”, “A*&hole…how about being decent in your posts?” As you all know….now many visit my blog.