Geroge Bush is not the only stupid American

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a US Naval ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, Oct. 95. In case you didn`t know people of Newfoundlands are considered to be the Sardars of Canada…that is to say, most jokes in Canada are aimed at NewFees. In the below given conversation Americans lock-horn with the NewFees.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative: You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say divert YOUR course.

Canadians: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert your course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS ALSO ACCOMPANY US. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

Via Hul @ http://imirage.blogspot.com

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Success formula

My father`s success formula was ‘rise early, work late and strike oil`. He had come up with it when he all of 14 years – like Dirubhai Ambani of the Reliance fame.

Today (after 45 years), he is sitting in our two-bedroom house in Madurai (in Tamil Nadu) and wondering what went wrong. Only last year he managed to find the cooking oil my mother keeps in the kitchen.

For me the formula for success is totally different. Success needs a lot of sincerity. If you can fake it…you will succeed.

I know a few friends of mine who were impatient and could not wait for success. They went ahead with their life. Surprisingly, they are doing fine in life. That is if you can call working with Infosys, Oracle and PeopleSoft as success.

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One of these friends got a job in PeopleSoft because he married the daughter of a top Director in PeopleSoft.

I guess, when our elders said “Behind every successful man stands a woman” they were very right. What they forgot to add was: “Behind every woman stands her ex-boy friend”. My friend now has job with PeopleSoft but his wife is with her ex-boyfriend. What would you call that?

We all know Bill Gates is successful. But thanks to his success he worries about everything in the World (even a political fall out in China upsets him). The only thing he doesn`t worry about is money. We all have an option: Be successful and worry about a thousand things…or be not successful and worry only about money.

Once you have decided you can go ahead and chase success or run away from it.

An American scholar did suggest a plan to turn all the people in the World into success stories. He proposed: “The day we get rid of the concept called losing everybody will start winning. Thus everybody will be successful.” The plan did not take off because the scholar was assassinated a few days after. He was found with six bullets in his head. The police suspect a passionate loser to be behind the killing.

Like I said…if at first you don`t succeed…. check if the bullet is in the chamber and try again. You will succeed!

Disliked Boss Nickname Creator!

When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you’re rich. If your name is on your desk, you’re middle class. If your name is on your shirt you are poor!
– Unknown

When the day at work turns out bad (and they often tend to be bad) we yearn to say something to the boss and come home. But certain constraints force us to listen to whatever he/she says.

I being the facilitator…can’t come and hold your boss by his/her collar. Instead, here is what I offer: Disliked Boss Nicknamame Creator!

Click on the URL and create a nickname for your Boss – http://members.fortunecity.co.uk/nickname/boss.html

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Professionalism

Work is important. Especially when ones spouse is not at home. It keeps ones mind from idling. After all idling is costly…haven`t the fuel prices shot up recently?

Rekha`s absence has seen a sudden surge in my official out-put. Even the Admin guys complained that they had to work late to shred all the crap I had generated.

By the way, did you know that the longer somebody`s designation…the less important his job? As a “Consultant” – my designation is just right. I could have got a still smaller one but the HR said “Con” was not a designation they appreciated.

Though I am a consultant today…this is not what I wanted to be. Even as a child I wanted to teach Math in school. During my interview at Kendriya Vidhyalaya, Madurai…I told the Principal (who was interviewing me) that I was ready to give my 110%. They rejected me. Since it was for a Math teacher`s post…they expected me to know that percentage was always 100 or below.

With the math teacher option ruled out, I decided to become an orator. It is another thing that I did not become one. Even at school I had been a good orator. So much so, the teachers facilitating the Debating Club suggested that since I had nothing to achieve in oratory, I join the Mime Club.

With both my favorite vocations ruled out…I remember spending time looking for opportunities. One particular advertisement caught my eye. It said:
Urgent Requirement: Wanted a good mind reader, Salary negotiable. I would have got it…but in the place provided for communication address the advertiser had just mentioned: “If you are a good mind reader, find out my address.”

Before I landed plush jobs…I had once worked for a hearing aid manufacturer. My job was to walk the streets, visit houses and sell hearing aids. The only problem was…my most prospective customers never answered their doors. I left the job because I could not reach my monthly target.

Those were difficult days. People all around me were making a living donating to sperm banks. My good friend Vijay Kumar still says that in the one year he was jobless, he let go of at least Rs 10,000 through his hands.

Right now, I have a job….and am not complaining.

Like somebody once said…don`t worry if you have to work late tonight…for you are lucky that you have a job! Get professional!

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When you are in love with yourself

Life is a bitch if your wife of one year leaves you alone for a week and goes town hopping. Especially, if you have mouth-sores and find eating out difficult.

Now it is 11 p.m. and Rekha has just sent a message: “Watching Anniyan. Thinking of you. I love you so much.”

I reply: “Yeah, I also love myself so much.”

She called me an egotist and refused to pick up the phone when I called to patch up. Either she was upset or the movie was too good to be interrupted.

Good, my wife has finally realized the truth. I wonder why it took her so long to understand that I love myself. Chances are, she did not notice all those love bites on my mirror image.

I don`t want to be bragging here, but I think if only I were a little more modest…I would be the perfect human being that ever walked this Earth. I just need to be a little more modest…that is all.

I found out that I was perfect the day I played a Lawyer`s role in a school play. After I got off the stage, the audience went loud, crazy and unruly. I had to get back on the stage and request them to be calm. At this juncture, one of my classmates walked up to me and said: “You were amazing. I don`t have words to describe you.”

I said: “Try harder.”

He didn`t yield to my prompt and we spent the next ten minutes discussing the last few days of my schooling and what my future plans were. When I got bored I told him: “Enough of me….let us now talk about you.”

I could see he was happy.

“What do YOU think of me?” I asked him…but he stared right through me and went on his way.

If you don`t love yourself…I pity you. I wonder if you will ever be able to love anybody from the bottom of your heart.

A friend of mine has fallen in love with himself and is looking forward to a life-long romance. As if that was not enough, another friend wants to die in his own arms. Now, what do you call that?

Character

I am told character is an amazing thing. If one of you has seen it, will you please mail it to me? With my broadband connection, I will be able to download and see it for myself.

Today`s post is about character. Many say I am like the sun – liked by all. Just that I lack the warmth. So expect me to be harsh here. If you don`t like my opinion of you, you could always improve yourself.

You probably telling yourself: “Ah well, nobody cares if I live or die, so why should I change myself just because some old-Jammy is asking me to.”

Just trying missing that ICCI loan installment and the LIC premium that are due this month, and you would know if people care about you. The last time I missed the two, I had to answer 17 calls from four executives.

We all love people with good character. Our parents have always asked us to mingle with the right person at school. As for my parents, they even found a friend for me when I was in class two. How sweet of them.

Things change when you mature and learn the ways of the World. For starters, we start understanding people. Sometimes we understand them so well…that we don`t speak to them for decades.

Perhaps, for all of us an agreeable person is somebody who agrees with us.

Somebody who doesn`t understand us is always the negative guy in the picture – one who should be visiting a psychiatrist. I had once asked a non-agreeable person to go meet a psychiatrist.

“So how was the trip? Was he any good?” I asked

“Now I am very positive. Before meeting him I was not sure if I had a problem, now I am pretty positive that I have issues to be sorted out.” He said.

If you are upset that after reading this article, you have been exposed to yourself as a character-less being…don`t worry. You are not alone.

I know this family where a 14-year-old girl in the family smokes pot at the dining table. I wouldn`t really mind her doing that…but what upsets me is the fact that she does it in front of her two kids. Obnoxious.

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Oh no…not marriage again!

A friend of mine went to a bar for the first time and realized that Kingfisher beer was a good gift from God (Vijay Mallaya is no God. I insist.). He quit his day job at Infosys and joined Kingfisher Breweries. Believe me?

It is actually true but factually wrong. This friend did not develop a taste for beer but for a lady, and eventually ended up marrying her.

Being the good friend that he still is, he asked me: “So what do you think of Ramya?”

“She is a good girl,” I said. What else could one say.

“That she is,” my proud friend almost let out a song.

“She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds a good one,” I said.

My friend didn`t say anything. Neither did I get any invitation from him. Perhaps, he forgot me in all the activity that precedes and succeeds marriage.

Marriage has changed many of my friends. For instance, I met Anandh at a bar…drinking away his money.

“How is it going mate?” I asked Anandh, who was pouring beer into his mug.

“Chugging along. She has become one compartment of my life and I keep pulling at her like an engine.”

“You mean ….no fun?” I enquired. I was worried for him.

“You know what I used to do before marriage…right?”

“No…what?” I was not so sure.

“I used to be/do whatever I wanted to.. yaar. Did I tell you…you are really dumb.”

I wanted to tell Anandh that instead of drowning his sorrows in beer, he could look at drowning his troubles. But was not sure if his wife would come swimming with him. Anyways, we parted ways before he could pour himself another drink.

I did not ask him to cut down on his drinking. After all, he would not have bought my point that marriage was like the Kashmir issue. No solution in sight.

I don`t care if you don`t believe me. I have Nelson Mandela, the apartheid hero, who would stand testimony. He spent close to 30 years in jail and had no troubles there…he wrote books, watched TV, had beer…watched sport. Just about anything he could do. Two years out of the jail and he and his wife decided to divorce. Now, what do you call that?

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What if meat were made in a lab

I know it sounds kind of kinky, but soon all kinds of meat will be made in labs. Don`t believe me? Read this The Sun Online article.

It could be years before the lab-meat gets supplied to our homes….but the news has shocked me. So many things that I love today will no longer exist after the lab meat is readily available. In fact, the whole practice of meat eating will change.

Right at the outset, vegetarians will have no excuse but to turn non-vegetarian. The age-old excuse that they can`t kill an animal to fill their stomach will no longer hold good. After all…it would be cultured meat.

The long queue that we see in front of the chicken, mutton & fish stalls on Sunday mornings will slowly dwindle away. Instead, on all Sundays there will be a long queue in front of all meat-rearing laboratories. The labs being seats of high technology…you might even be able to order over the Internet.

Meat would be available in flavors …to go with your desserts. You might evenbe able to match it with your ice-cream. Perhaps Strawberry flavored chicken or Rum flavored veal. Not to mention the Pista flavored fish.

I guess it would render the poultry-folks and fishermen (and women) jobless. Nobody would rear hens, cocks, goats, pig, cow for meat. Cows will still be found in households in villages….for their milk and sacred cow dung…but hens, cocks and goats might become extinct. As for the pigs….garbage in and around the city will ensure their survival.

The pigs brought up in garbage dumps will be black. At least, I haven`t seen a white pig in a garbage dump. This rules out a sequel to the sequel called Babe – a Pig in the city because there will be no white pig to act. Without hens and cocks…sequel to the movie Chicken Run will also not be possible.

Leaving the movies aside let us get back to real action – labs selling meat. The white coats of the scientists will now acquire a new meaning …and color… blood red. You could walk up to any scientist and ask: “Do you guys sell meat? If yes, I would like to book two kilograms for this Sunday.”

But then, there is a small problem. You will not be able to order your favorite pieces – lively liver, thunder thighs etc. You will only get protein-rich slabs. If you haven`t yet realized, this also means the end of the famed Indian Briyani. What`s a Biriyani without a leg piece? What`s a bathroom without a towel?

Thanks to the cultured meat we will neither have bird flu nor mad cow disease. But we will continue to have PMS!