Why should you marry the girl you love?

I know most men have faced this dilemma. Should we marrying the girl we love or should we move on to greener pastures?

If you ask me, I would say…don`t get into a relationship…but if you have already committed the mistake…don`t stop…marry the girl you love. It makes economical, political, social, religious, civic and geographical sense.

If you didn`t marry your girl and she ends up marrying another gentleman… you are sure to get an invite. You would have to buy a present. Add the present`s cost to the transportation cost to the marriage hall… all build up…and I am sure it is bound to put you back by quite a sum. Inference: The best thing about marrying the girl we love is, it costs less.

Here is a conversation between a husband and wife married for two years –

Husband: Honey, pass me the toothbrush.

Wife: Get it yourself you idle man.

Husband: Did you say Idol?

Wife: Idle.

Husband: But before marriage you considered me your idol.

Wife. That was a mistake. But not my only mistake.

Husband: Now, what is this second mistake?

Wife: I always thought you could take control of any situation.

Husband: What about it now?

Wife: But after marriage, I have found that you are controlling and manipulative.

Husband: Well…you have changed too.

Wife: How so?

Husband: Earlier you said I take your breath away…

Wife: That`s true. But now you suffocate me.

Husband: Precisely. Before marriage, at dinners you would goad me to eat more. Now, you only give me a sandwich or some salad.

Wife: Have you looked at yourself in the mirror?

Husband: I have. But I don`t look fat.

Wife: Well…this is one of the many instances when we don`t agree.

Husband: Yes…before marriage we used to agree on everything.

Wife: That was like a dream….and now you have made it a dorm.

Husband: I am the same man, you didn`t believe you had found for yourself.

Wife: Now, I can`t believe I ended up with someone like you.

Wife: To add to all the injury…after marriage you have started fighting a lot. Earlier, you would be completely lost without me.

Husband: You are right….I should have stopped and asked for directions…maybe…I wouldn`t have landed in a mess.

This is the exact conversation most 2-year old couples will have on a Monday morning. The beauty is, they will have this conversation…every Monday…every week…every month…every year…till death does them part. This is THE reason why you should get married to the lady you love.

Besides, you don`t want to marry a girl you don`t love…and after two years when you go about buying a used car…you find her clothes in the back seat.

This holds good for girls too. After all, you wouldn`t want to marry a man who …after a few years …when asked if he married you for love says: “Yeah, I insist. I even checked the whole list the day before our marriage!”

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Being a writer is tough

I am writing a book. I have got the page numbers done.
– Steven Wright

Some of the comments left in my Blog are very flattering on the surface – they say I should get into writing. I ask them all: “Haven`t I already started? And aren`t you reading what I wrote?”

Anyways….you can be excused for not knowing my literary prowess. A few of my friends believe that my connection with the literary world began when I accidentally hit RK Narayan`s car while it was returning after dropping the ace Indian writer at a funeral. I was on my bicycle….and was ten years old.

Connection or no connection…let me go ahead with my story. Initially, I started writing because it gave me pleasure. It was fun. And then, I wondered why not do it for friends and relatives…I started writing poems for their girl friends, their leave letters etc. Years have gone by since I first wielded my pen and now I intend to make money out of it. Sounds very much like prostitution…first you do it for self…then for friends and then wonder if you could make some money out of it.

In my attempt to make some money…I had once sent my manuscript to a publisher. He replied saying my book was both original and good.

I was excited…but when I didn`t see my book in the stores even after six months, I was forced to get in touch. He was apologetic but gave an honest reply: “Your book is both good and original. The part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.”

Talking of aspiring writers, one dude once walked up to Somerset Maugham and said: “Sir, I had sent you my collection of short stories.”

Maugham replied: “I saw.”

The amateur who had not yet learnt the ways of the literary world persisted: “Do you think I should put more fire in my stories?”

This was precisely the question Maugham was waiting for, and shot back: “I would suggest you do vice-versa.”

The idea is never to take advice from established writers or publishers. If you are also an aspiring writer like me, I would suggest you never send a self-addressed stamped envelope along with your manuscript….that is the mistake I had been doing for the last ten years. Each time, the manuscript was sent back. Guess the publishers are a little stingy (they don`t like to waste the stamp) and easily tempted.

Getting your book should be easy if you don`t send a stamped self-addressed envelope. But remember…writing books doesn`t pay you much. The most paying literary pieces are ransom notes. According to a recent survey, 80 per cent of the respondents felt that very soon doctor`s prescription will overtake ransom notes as the most paying literary pieces.

You probably wonder why go through the trouble of wasting a year in solitary confinement and writing a novel. I agree with you. That is why I have decided to walk into a bookstore and just buy a novel.

Some of you probably didn`t understand what this big write up was all about. If you didn`t… chances are you live in Australia. Didn`t Geoffrey Corttell once say: “In America only the successful writer is important, in France all writers are important, in England no writer is important and in Australia, you have to explain what a writer is.”

I know a friend of mine, who started off writing for magazines…and even wrote a few novels. In over ten years, he has realized that he has no talent for writing…but now the publishers won`t let him retire because he is already famous.

Some like this friend are lucky. Some others like me marry money and lead a peaceful life as a writer. After all, to be a writer one only needs a pen, a paper and a corrupted mind.

Ouchmytoe nominated at the Annual Blogging Awards

Nominations for the first Annual Blogging Awards are out. And yours sincerely has been nominated in a 100 categories….no actually only four categories.

I am excited. Afterall, even a comedian needs his bit of smiles.

Ouchmytoe has won four nominations out of the possible eleven and here are the details –

Best Current Affairs/General Post
CODE: 24CAB
Author: Jammy
Title: N Karthikeyan meets Sania Mirza
To view nomination: http://thebloggeratti-current.blogspot.com

Best Humor Post
CODE: 24HUA
Author: Jammy
Title: I think I am a Casanova
To view nomination: http://thebloggeratti-humour.blogspot.com

Best Personal Post
CODE: 24PEA
Author: Jammy
Title: A Gentleman`s guide to your wife`s sari
To view nomination: http://thebloggeratti-personal.blogspot.com

Best Blog
CODE: 24BLA
Owner: Jammy
To view nomination: http://thebloggeratti-blog.blogspot.com

[To vote in my favour you need to mail the code, and my name ‘Jammy` to blogvotes [at] gmail [dot] com and then post a comment in either of these Blogs – http://anubhasworld.rediffblogs.com or http://levelhead.rediffblogs.com. Hurry the last date is Sep 28th]

I think I stand a good chance. Even if Ouchmytoe doesn`t win..big deal….I am sure they have a participation certificate.
The competition is intense and I don`t think I can win without your help. How about giving me your votes (Gosh….I sound like a filthy politician).

How to Vote

1) Your votes should be mailed to blogvotes [at] gmail [dot] com and a comment that you have sent in your vote should be left on either http://anubhasworld.rediffblogs.com or
http://levelhead.rediffblogs.com

2) Votes for all categories should be sent in ONE MAIL and not seperately

3) Only ONE vote per category is allowed

4) Please send in the codes accompanying the nominations except for the last 2 categories i.e. Best Template and Best Blog (and I have been nominated in this category) where you can send in the link or name of the blog owner.

5) The Voting starts from 22nd September 00.00 a.m. IST and ends on 28th September 00:00 a.m. IST.

6) Unfortunately only current or ex-bloggers are allowed to vote. Request you send in your Blog URL along with your votes.

The night-watchman

Here is a conversation I had with our night watchman.

It was 11 p.m. and I was yearning for a smoke. After putting Rekha to sleep (which is very easy), I slipped into my sandals and slipped out of the house. I needed a human being to make conversation…so I walked towards the night watchman even as I lit the cigarette. What better topic than cricket when the conversationalists are chalk and cheese (me..cheese).

Me: So, Ganguly is out.
Watchman: Out? Is a cricket match on?

(So saying he started switching on his transistor)

Me: No…no…I meant he would no longer be the captain.
Watchman: Serious? Why?
Me: You know right…he has not been performing with the bat and his captaincy standards have also dipped.
Watchman: Yeah…if one cannot bat how can one play cricket?
Me: And now he also has problems with Greg Chappell.
Watchman: What chappals?
Me: I said Greg Chappell – the Indian cricket coach.
Watchman: Yeah?
Me: Yeah. And looks like Rahul will be the next captain.
Watchman: I also think so. We need a change in name….Rahul is quite nice. Even Shah Rukh Khan is called Rahul in all his movies.

(By now I had realized that the night-watchman was a non-cricketing Indian and took scant interest in the Ganguly-Chappell saga)

Me: You are so very right. I need to catch up on some sleep…seeya in the morning.

Watchman: Sure sir. Also, I would have been a cricket fan like you but…I don`t have the time. Moreover, our cricket team lives cricket, dreams cricket, eats cricket….if only they could play some cricket.

(I was surprised…all of a sudden this man had become a cricketing guru.)

Me: Why did you earlier pretend as if you didn`t know cricket?
Watchman: Sir…I am a night-watchman …how can I not know cricket?

(He had me stumped. I walked back to the pavilion, retired hurt.)

My wife’s oral contraceptive is “No sex today!”

According to a bit of statistic yet to be believed by somebody other than me, for every happy father, there are three unhappy men yearning to be fathers. Most of these I-want-to-be-a-father men are victims of contraceptives. All kinds of contraceptives…

A friend of mine is victim of oral contraceptives. Every time his nears his wife…she says “No!”.

Though authorities from the Family Planning Commission suggest that contraceptives need to be used during every conceivable occasion…I somehow believe that we need to be a little liberal. After all, children are God`s gift.

A few of the World`s intelligent argue that if God liked children so much, why doesn`t he have a few instead of pushing all of them to us? Some go a step further and question his logic behind sending on Earth his only son – Lord Jesus.

Now, getting back to the question of contraceptives. Most people in the World consider contraceptives to be safe. But the citizens of Botswana (which boasts of 37% AIDS infected adults) don`t believe that condoms are safe. Earlier, Botswana people considered condoms to be safe…but a recent car accident in which a countryman wearing a condom died…changed everything.

Besides condoms – the most popular contraceptives – there are others too. In all shapes, sizes and names. The next most popular are the birth-pills, which the women pop from time to time. You probably wonder why women are made to swallow the pills. As somebody once asked…is it not easy to remove the bullets from the gun than force the other partner to wear a bulletproof vest. I completely agree.

Many Indians don`t believe in contraceptives. They don`t know that besides offering them an opportunity to plan their family… contraceptives also save them from AIDS – at least the condoms.

I met this lorry driver in Madurai and here is an interesting conversation:

Me: Did you know that lorry drivers like you…because of their high mobility (they travel a lot) and high-risk lifestyle (they sleep around a lot…most of them) are most likely to be suffering from AIDS?

Driver: Yeah?

Me: Yes. But if you use a condom you can be 99% sure that you won`t get AIDS.

Driver: I did use them earlier but these condom packets are so goddamn tough to open….a few of my friends and I even have a conspiracy theory. We believe these condom manufacturers wontedly make the packets tough to open…thus giving the lady enough time to change her mind.

Me: Yeah?

Driver: Yes. But pray tell me why you advising me? We are all animals and …no other animal uses contraceptives.

Me: That`s true. But that is because there are no animal contraceptives in the market yet. But most of them do go for an abortion….like that chicken that crossed the road and laid an egg in the fast food joint.

Driver: And what happened to the egg?

Me: They made an omelet out of it – a true blue abortion.

Driver: Wow…and anyways what is this thing called AIDS? A driver friend of mine was saying that it is All India Department of Sex.

I didn`t stay on to explain…and moved on.

When I came back to Chennai, I met a few people who didn`t want to have children because they have white couches, marble floors, clean walls and plasma TVs. Now that`s what I would call a modern-age contraceptive….

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Mind your manners

Today at office one gentleman yawned during a meeting. But he yawned with his mouth closed – a sign of good manners you would say. But is it actually good manners?

I wouldn`t mind if Aishwarya Rai or Vidya Balan (of Parineeta) tried to stifle a yawn…they would look pretty doing it. But have you ever seen a 45-year old man with beer cheeks hanging on two sides and a dumb-bell shaped moustache stifle a yawn? You would call it ugly.

Now, before you start yawning…let me be good mannered and start making sense.

Sometimes manners don`t get you anywhere. Like for example…that day in the bus when I said “Excuse me!” many times yet was caught in the middle when my bus stop came. I think it was when I shouted, “I am about to puke” that they made way. The moral is: When manners don`t get you anywhere, try getting dirty. Perhaps this is why some of the manners are also dirty. Ever seen a man (or woman) who has just blown into his (her) hanky? The next instant he/she tends to look into the hanky to see what they have just let out.

Sometimes good manners can be dirty but mind you bad manners kill people. I have this friend who works as a Chemistry lab assistant in a College. He has lost many friends because of one of his bad manner – he would fart in the open. These friends of his didn`t leave him because of his farts….but died when exposed to the fumes.

When I was in Canada (I had to bring this up because it has been a while since I have bragged about this trip), somebody once told me that the British always lied and the Americans always said the truth. I never believed it. Today, that I am a good-mannered gentleman…I understand that this Canadian guy was right. The Britishers lie to be polite (For eg saying “That`s a nice dress you are wearing” even if the dress is bad) while the Americans consider it a good manner to tell the truth.

I wonder what excuse do we Indians have…why do we lie? Maybe we have always believed in the adage “Let sleeping dogs lie.”

Many a times, I have wondered…does it make sense for me alone to be good mannered when Tom, Dick and Harry around me is bad mannered? Do I just smile at the bad mannered person and carry on? After all it takes only 113 muscles to give out a smile. Or do I pull the trigger….for when I googled, I found out that it takes only 4 muscles to pull the trigger!

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Life

Life is a bitch, and my beloved papa embraces death.

But when was life fair? Had it been…wouldn`t Elvis be roaming the streets of Los Angeles and Abraham Lincoln the lanes of Manhattan? By the way, did you know that Lincoln was assassinated in a theatre called Ford when he and his wife were watching a play? It seems when Lincoln`s wife came out of the theatre and she was asked how she felt, she said: “The play`s direction could have been a little better…and they need to improve the lighting.” No, just kidding.

Somebody once said life was like a dog-sled. You need to be the leader dog…otherwise you spend the rest of your life staring at the leader-dog`s ass. True advice indeed.

Talking of advice, I now feel vulnerable. It feels like a matador who has lost his red cloth and is standing exposed to a raging bull. Wish my father were around. He always said life was God`s greatest gift to man. And whenever I complained that life was hard, he would ask: “Compared to what?” I never had a satisfactory answer…but I did remember once replying: “compared to just being a student.”

In an age where most individuals (read Homer Simpson) spend their lives latching on to two phrases – “good idea boss,” “it was like that when I got here” – my father was different. He stood his ground. Well….at least when my mother wasn`t around. I wouldn`t blame him for losing his ground in front of my mother. Most great men lose theirs when in front of their wives. Take me for instance. Didn`t a great poet once say:

Blame me not, for few have held sway,
When pretty girls have come their way.

(And that lame poet is none other yours sincerely)

My father also always said that one needed to believe in something or somebody – the way he believed in me. Pity, I resisted his love till two years back. But now….I believe. I believe I need another drink….

World’s 2nd best dad embraces death

My father embraced death on Wednesday morning 4.30 a.m.. His death has brought out stories of his magnanimity….stories which I would be proud to be associated with. Pity, when we were seeing him in flesh we never realized what a great guy he was to all those he helped build their lives….

As a mark of respect this Blog won’t have any posts for the next few days. May his soul rest in peace.