The ‘rich’ experience

Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook and the violinist.
G. K. Chesterton (1874 – 1936)

I don`t know if you earn enough to visit the high-brow places where a pianist plays on his organ even as you go ahead with your dinner. I don`t.

Perhaps that`s why my whole family depends on my company`s largesse to take us to such places for sales meets and team building exercises. I say my whole family because, last time they said “I could bring along my spouse” I took along my whole family.

From the corner of the room, I could see my Sales Head trying to stare me down. For a moment I wondered why, but the smart man that I am, it took me only ten minutes to realize I was the only guy at the meet with my mother, two sisters and wife (and the neighbour`s kid who had never seen a five star hotel and thus wanted to come along).

I tried to stare back at the Sales Head, but he sure was an expert in intimidation. Finally, I surrendered and asked a waiter to hand over an apologetic note which said: “Not my mistake, when you said ‘bring along your spouse` I heard it as ‘bring along your house`.”

My family failed to merge with the crowd, but not before putting up a valiant effort. Once I had tipped my family to the kind of conversations, these business types have…my mother and sisters were raring to go.

Armed with the knowledge that these guys talk of what appears on NDTV Profits, my mother walked up to my sales head and said: “Did you see what lady reporter hosting ‘Breakfast with Profit` was wearing? I would die twice before wearing anything similar in public.” My Sales Head`s response didn`t excite my mother, who came back with the impression that all IIM people have issues mingling with the non-IIM crowd.

My sisters tried striking a conversation with my colleagues but believe it or not, none of them could keep up a conversation with my sisters on how to make Rasam and Sambar. This was not something I had bargained for…I was under the impression that all married men were exploited in the kitchen.

Our neighbor`s son salvaged the situation for me. He walked up to the sales head and asked him if he was Shaktiman. Everybody who had gathered around flattering him, laughed. When my Sales head also started laughing…the laughter among others also increased because flattery can get you places (and of course cabins).

Seizing the right opportunity, me, my mother and my two sisters sneaked out of the five star hotel….even as the piano man played in the background. Once we reach home, we have to send my neighbor to the party because in our hurry, we forgot to bring his son along.

 

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When it rains

Last night, it rained. This phenomenon doesn`t happen often in Chennai but when it does, it rains cats and dogs. In fact, today morning I spent half an hour removing cats and dogs from the clothes we had left outside for drying. During the exercise I also observed that wet clothes are a lot heavier. Perhaps that`s why rescuers find it difficult to lift people who drown in water and get their clothes wet.

Around 12 midnight, the sky had started thundering.

I once had an old, naughty grandpa who believed that the thundering sky was when God of Gods had a bad stomach. Immediately, we would ask him, “If that was what thunder was, what was lightening?”

He never gave us a satisfactory answer to this question, but I do remember him once winking at me and telling my younger sister: “That`s the whiteness of his potty you see when he opens his washroom door.”

As the thunder grew louder I could scarcely hear my neighbor snoring. I mean, I could still feel the apartment walls shivering…just that his snoring was inaudible. In the initial days of our marriage I wondered if it was my neighbor snoring or it was my wife. I didn`t have to wait long, for during one of my “I-am-a-crusader-of-truth” moments, I closed my wife`s mouth and nose for five minutes…and I could still hear the snoring. Finally, I had identified the culprit – it was my neighbor.

Getting back to the rain…after half an hour of rain…I decided to open the balcony and take a look. As soon as I opened the door, lightening stuck and there was brightness all over. At the spot where it stuck, it was all muddy (Thumbs Up advertisements were right!). I could see the muddy water because when lightening strikes it is like day light. Now, you know why lightening doesn`t strike at the same place twice – because there is no charge left after the first strike.

As I stood in the balcony enjoying the rain, my wife shouted at me and asked me to get some sleep. This is one of the disadvantages of staying in a small house…you are always within your wife`s reach. Sulking I got into the bed. Before marriage I enjoyed sleeping in a bed, but sharing it with somebody doesn`t appeal to me.

As I got into the bedsheets – yes, we have bedsheets at home, two of them – there was a loud thunder. Rekha immediately came closer and hugged me tight. I smiled, looked upwards (at the God with a bad stomach) and asked: “God, why doesn`t it rain often in Chennai?”
 

Did you Orkut today?

I wonder if everybody knows about Orkut. I am told that it is the brain child of Orkut Büyükkökten – a Google employee. Talking of Google…did you know that Amit Agarwal who runs http://labnol.blogspot.com/ has named his son “Google”? Why? Take a wild guess.

Getting back to Orkut – here are some of the silly (and of course exaggerated) self-descriptions (or profiles) I have come across in Orkut or such other communities. You will find my comments in italics.

Seen on Jammy`s profile in Orkut
Know God, and thou shall know me. In short, visit my webpage to find out more about me! www.ouchmytoe.com

(Yeah, right!)

Seen on a 20 something boy`s Orkut Profile
I enjoy college life and blog about events happening in Chennai. I am an introvert waiting for the right extrovert to join me in my life.

(Stop saying the obvious. BTW, heard Mike Tyson is an extrovert. Wanna try?)

Seen on a 30+ man`s Orkut Profile
Ping me if u want to know more.

(As if all the girls in the World were waiting for him to arrive on Orkut. Wonder if he has even received a single ping.)

Seen on a 25+ year old`s Orkut profile
I am a humorous, sociable and outgoing person. My ideology is “Don`t think about the past, but live for today because tomorrow is never promised.”

(Shucks…this copying and pasting facility has reduced us to mere photo copiers. Moreover, it reminds me of the first line in most resumes one comes across: My career`s objective is to rise above all challenges and grow in an esteemed organization like yours.)

Seen on a 20 year old girl`s Orkut profile
I am often accused of being a typical Taurean – stubborn, slow and angry.

(I wonder how based on when they were born, their characteristics could be told? For if that were true…all April born should be great sportsmen like Sachin Tendulkar. Am I he only person who doesn`t understand Lindagoodman`ism or are there others like me with Down`s Syndrome?)

Seen on 100s of girl profiles in Orkut (don`t ask me what I was doing there)
As soon as I know about myself, I will let you know.

(Is this supposed to be smart talk? These girls are the ones that speak for 30 minutes when they are asked to speak about themselves during interviews).

BlogCamp vs Marriage

Three months back I had decided to be in Madurai for a wedding on Sep 9 & 10. But on 6th I decided to drop the Madurai trip and attend the BlogCamp instead. After spending two days at the BlogCamp, I have realized that very little differentiates BlogCamp from a marriage.

Goodies for visitors: Had I gone to the marriage in Madurai, I would have got a coconut, a betel leaf, a lemon, some acre nut in a polyethylene bag. At the BlogCamp I got a black bag (with Yahoo written all over it), a Zoho writing pad, a Sulekha India Smiles book, a blue Fuente Systems mug, and a black Fashion IQ T-shirt. Had I known, I would have not booked my tickets at all.

Free Food: The single biggest reason why all marriage halls are crowded is because that`s the time everybody is taking revenge. “Wasn`t he the guy who ate all the rice in my marriage? Let me do the same in his son`s marriage!” Same happened with me at the BlogCamp. I hogged well on both days…which was one of the reasons why I didn`t participate much.

The old and the young: At the un-conference the oldies were congregated at the auditorium discussing strategies, vision and concepts while the young ones were closeted in the conference hall upstairs engaging in hands on experiences. Don`t the marriages also have a set of old relatives who try to match pairs and a set of young cousins who have all the fun?

Gifts: While a few like me walk into a marriage without gifts, most walk into marriages with a gift wrapped in shiny paper. If I were to get a comparison…almost everybody who walked into the un-conference had something or the other on hand which they thought was their gift to the blogging community – a brand to promote, a url to popularize or a presentation to deliver.

Relief: After most marriages the daughter`s father and mother is a relieved couple. No issues. Everything went on smoothly…and I am sure Kiruba and his tea of volunteers would have felt the same at 7 p.m. on Sunday.

Sunil Gavaskar is at BlogCamp India

Sunil Gavaskar is here. I can see him in blood and flesh. Wow! To see the man who was just about my height and kicked the shit out of the huge West Indian bowlers is a great feel. I have even recorded a few video clips in my mobile and will be sharing itwith my wife.

As soon as the Yahoo guys walked him in, I saw at least 20 cameras aim for him. Made me wonder how he feels about it all. But then, has he been seeing all this for the last 40 years?

After Kiruba introduced him to the crowd (not that he needs introduction) …Gavaskar took his seat in front of the audience…he oozed confidence.

He spoke about how in his days, transistor was the only mode of news gathereing. He also moved on to how the he had to get up early if he had to read the newspaper before his father laid his hand on it..because that meant an hour`s delay. He also assured the 200 odd people here at the BlogCamp that we were living in a good age, where we have the freedom of expression.

He was honest when he said he started reading blogs only in the last ten-15 days. I am still in awe at the man. I also like his confidence…I wonder what kind of homework he did…coz the questions being asked here suggest that the audience ha taken him to be a expert podcaster. I am sure all he is doing is…speaking into a mike…and an tech guy from Yahoo does the rest.

The man spoke about how commentating happens in today`s cricket – how there is a ball-by-ball commentator and how there is a color commentator.

Kiruba is being forced to cut down the questions because Gavaskar needs to leave now. More later.

Blogcamp is on! – live update from the venue

I really mean it…the biggest open source conference – who said open source as a concept can only be used for software development? – rolled off to a Ferrari like start at 9 a.m..

Kiruba Shankar, who has been the inspiration behind this camp ever since the idea was mooted said the first few words.

His introduction was followed by an address by Satya of Sulekha. If one had already started forming impressions of the camp, he/she had to change it all when everybody started rolling in laughter with the next exercise. Volunteers were asked to come forward and tell how blogging changed their lives – people spoke about their bothering spouses, calls from ICICI Banks, venting anger on Managers online…you name it and there was a situation to laugh at.

This was the time there was an announced that we were running out of time and everybody had to stick to a 3 minute window. This was immediately followed by the announcement that there will be awards for the best podcaster, best live blogger on the blogcamp, best photo blogger, best mobile blogger. Though they haven`t announced the prizes yet…I can see many getting actively involved in all of the activities. I am happy for the single mobile blogger in the camp…I am sure he will be adjudged the best mobile blogger at the camp.

People are really using this opportunity to get more hits for their blogs. Blog urls are being mentioned wherever possible – even on T-shirts.

I don`t have a laptop…but will beg, borrow, steal to present a live update of whats happening. Please visit again in one hour.

Update Two @ 12.19 p.m.

As I said earlier, yes….people are using every opportunity to promote their urls. I was counting how many times Ganesh of Bothack.in mentioned the blog url…and it was three less than 450,000 times. I wonder by what percentage his blog hits will go up.

Another observation here is that, nobody is mentioning the number of users to their blogs – some kind of secrecy here. Everybody is talking in percentages…20%, 30%…so much so…when I asked Rahul, who manages Swadeshe.com, how many visitors come to his blog in a week, he said: “About 100%.”

Am at the session on Blogger Beta by Prasanna which will be followed by a session on WordPress Hacks by Ashwin.

As promised earlier, I did try to steal a laptop…but the angry blogger chased me out of the auditorium. Next post, if I lay my hands on another laptop.

Update Three @ 2.30 p.m.
The lunch break is over and now it is time to kick some real butt. While venue 1 – the Tidel park auditorium – has a session on collaborative blogging, the venue 2 (conference hall) has a session on multimedia blogging going on.

I am sitting in the conference hall and Ram Vishwanathan and Kiruba are at the helm of affairs tell the crowd – about 40 of them – the lessons learnt while podcasting.

We are discussing about Gizmo & Skype…and the former has been identified as the best online recording tool for conversations between people far off.

Podcasting is the easiest way to create original content.

I will be there on Saturday morning!

Update: Am thinking of giving regular updates on the Blogcamp India happenings. I don`t have a laptop as yet, so will have to depend on others …and that`s the only limitation. Do check again.

Alcohol has some stiff competition

I know a friend who is addicted to alcohol. He says he can`t live without it and I believe him. While I think he needs to join an Alcohol Anonymous club and sort out issues, he doesn`t think so. Wonder why he thinks being an alcohol addict is cool.

I am exactly the opposite. I am happy if you give me a system (with broadband connectivity) and a mouse to click. I love the faint crash of internet pages when they get downloaded onto my system (don`t tell me your computer doesn`t make noise). I love the click of a mouse reverberating through my ‘index meta carpal` (for those who didn`t attempt the PM/PD exam when in school, that would be my index finger bones). I love the heat generated when the mouse ball rolls on the mouse pad. In short, I love clicking.

I am sure you are also an avid clicker. You check mails, read blogs, leave comments, sign-up, download – just about everything that requires you to click. Have you ever wondered how many times you click the mouse in a day? No? Probably because we have come to enjoy it…we are all addicted to clicks.

Does this mean that we will now have Clickers Anonymous, where people like you and me can go and feel welcome? Will we have Clickers Support groups, where those afflicted with withdrawal symptoms (after we quit our jobs) can go and seek solace?

Maybe, www.tamilmatrimony.com will have fields where we will have to choose between “Occasional Clicker” and “Regular Clicker”. Maybe, matrimonials in newspapers will describe the bridegroom or the bride as “a Social Clicker” – a take on the “social drinker” tag which is now the in thing.

An innovative marketer only need look among the IT professionals to find a market for the anti-click patch, which can be stuck on our forearms when we have the urge to click a mouse.

Fathers might start ignoring their families because of click abuse. They might end up beating their wives after coming home after a long session of clicking (at work that is). To stop becoming a click addict, stop clicking now (even if it means not leaving a comment for this post).