Month: December 2006

I am a few drinks of Vodka down and that`s good news. I can indulge in self-flagellation better when drunk. Didn`t someone famous….ironically I am not able to remember his name…once say: “Alcohol dulls the pain.”

Let me break the news – I am losing hair and that too very fast. So much so, when I get out of the bath I feel lighter. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that a lot of dirt accumulates over a week, but I wouldn`t know till I become a regular at bathing.

A few days back my six year old niece asked me if it was autumn.

“The whole of South India has only two seasons – the summer & the rainy. No autumn for you and me,” I replied.

“But the trees are shedding uncle,” she said even as she continued playing with the keys of her fake laptop. And then she locked it.

“Which tree are you talking about?” I asked, hoping to close the argument with one final sentence.

“You!” She playfully pointed at me.

“I am no tree. I am just losing my hair due to old age, if that`s what you are referring to.” I placed all my cards on the table.

Being my family member my niece couldn`t give up easily. It runs in the family.

“But uncle, Rekha aunty says you are as dense as a tree. Doesn`t that make you a tree?”

“When did Rekha aunty say that?” I didn`t know my wife was talking about me behind my back. On second thoughts, a wife talking behind her husband`s back is a good habit – the husband is not expected to understand & respond.

“She said this immediately after commenting on the strong bark that you have. She was talking of an instance when you scolded her and all.”

I didn`t probe the matter further.

The latter part of this article has been cut out because Wrongone, a regular patron feels it isn’t up to the mark.

Like I was saying, I am losing hair. This is completely new to my family. There are stories about my grandfather`s visits to the barber shop, which when told after a drink assumes immense importance.

Legend has it that the barber in our village used to charge him extra because he had to rent a lawn mower the day my grandpa wanted haircut. With no electricity in those days, the barber had to hire an assistant to rotate the lever which would keep the lawn mower in action. Even the schools nearby announced a day off because the teachers weren`t heard over the noise.

My father carried the same genes and hence ended up with real strong hair. When he joined the army and was posted in the India-Pakistan border, he would cut his hair only during heavy shelling. That way, the others weren`t disturbed.

Now, thanks to my hair-gel and experimentations with different shampoos, I have started losing hair. Wonder if it has to do with the 10 ml shampoo bottles I have been stealing from the hotel rooms I have been staying in, since Dec 7 (the day I joined Yahoo).

Other Must Reads
Going mobile…for the pretty babe
Driverless cars…the repercussions
What if there were no women in the World
The baby-mother bonding

Did you know?

At the beginning of the 1930s, the burgeoning Coca-Cola company was still looking for ways to increase sales of their product during winter, then a slow time of year for the soft drink market. They turned to a talented commercial illustrator named Haddon Sundblom, who created a series of memorable drawings that associated the figure of a larger than life, red-and-white garbed Santa Claus with Coca-Cola. Coke’s annual advertisements — featuring Sundblom-drawn Santas holding bottles of Coca-Cola, drinking Coca-Cola, receiving Coca-Cola as gifts, and especially enjoying Coca-Cola — became a perennial Christmastime feature which helped spur Coca-Cola sales throughout the winter (and produced the bonus effect of appealing quite strongly to children, an important segment of the soft drink market). The success of this advertising campaign has helped fuel the legend that Coca-Cola actually invented the image of the modern Santa Claus, decking him out in a red-and-white suit to promote the company colors — or that at the very least, Coca-Cola chose to promote the red-and-white version of Santa Claus over a variety of competing Santa figures in order to establish it as the accepted image of Santa Claus. More

I am in the Bangalore airport, waiting for my King Fisher flight to Chennai which is scheduled for 8.55 p.m..

It has been three days since I saw my wife and am looking forward to it. Those that are married would understand how important it is to see one`s wife at regular intervals. Handsome, young men like me who have a high flying lifestyle (yes…the 737-800 travels at more than 32,000 meters high) need that regular dose of don`t-waste-your-time-on-air-hostesses-you-are-married medicine.

If you think I have changed in recent times, you must meet Roshan Mani who also entered the high-flying lifestyle ten days back. His wife now wears a white shirt, a flaming red jacket and a flaming red short skirt. No, she isn`t working for King Fisher.

The Bangalore airport looks like a railway station. The only things missing are the dirty railway tracks, the spitting panwalah, the porters, the oh bhaiya baju trolleys, the Station Master`s room, the stench of urine, Higginbotham`s and the food packetwala who parcels stale dinner and fools us every time we trust him. Railway station, minus the railway. Guess this is the right time to introduce a one-liner I read in a station master`s room once. Here is how it goes: Since railway stops at the railway station, my work stops at my work station.

I turned around and saw a couple with four kids sitting next to me. They were aged 1 year, 2 years, 3 years and 5 years. For a while I wondered why, and then a thought struck me…maybe the father was a mathematician and prime numbers interested him. After all…1, 2, 3 & 5 are the four lowest possible prime numbers.

I strained to overhear their conversation. The wife was angry while the husband as always was apologetic.

“I wish we had brought along the microwave for our Christmas vacation,” I heard the husband say.

Why would anybody want a microwave for a vacation, I wondered. I guess his wife and I think the same way because the very next minute I heard her ask her husband: “Why would you need the microwave?”

“JLT.” It was the husband speaking. I noticed a bit of fear, a pinch of apprehension and a tinge of apology in his tone.

“What JLT?” If the wife hadn`t said anything for a few more micro seconds, I would have definitely jumped in and asked what JLT was.

“Just like that, yaar.” I could see that the husband was sweating.

“No, seriously…we are yet to check in five pieces of luggage, we have two cabin baggage and now you say we should have brought along the microwave too.”

“Yeah…I had left the flight tickets on the microwave.”

I couldn`t laugh because I couldn`t let the couple know that I was overhearing their conversation.  

Right in front of me a fifty year old man is sitting with a notebook open. If you thought it was his Adult school homework notebook, quit reading this blog and grab a Chandamama or a Champak. BTW, Adult school is not someplace where you get to read porn and take exams in sexology. Anyway, looking at his notebook my respect for him went up a bit…but the very next second I notice 18 King Fisher security check tags attached to the black, leather bag in which he kept his notebook. Perhaps, he wanted me to know that he has traveled by air 18 times. As a matter of fact, my laptop bag has nine security check tags dangling.

While I was surveying the area for my next victim, a King Fisher air hostess walked past me. She asked the gentleman sitting next to me if he was flying King Fisher…somehow she didn`t ask me. Wonder why. What was it that she saw in the gentleman…that I didn`t have?

Not one to take such insults sitting down, I got up, bowed at the air hostess and announced: “I am traveling by King Fisher.” She just stared at me and walked away.

Even as she walked past I thought I heard her saying: “Companies should stop paying for these clowns.”

I immediately looked around…didn`t see any clowns and shouted back: “Excuse me, where are the clowns? I have never seen a traveling circus!”

Exciting Reads

Conversation: Osama vs Batman
My wife is a murderer
Ten sentences you will never hear your wife say
Traveling in an auto-rickshaw

Rekha`s elder sister Rema and her husband Sudhir have come down to India from the Gulf.

What kabuliwalas were in the 70s, the Gulfwalas are today. They always come back with goodies for everybody. This being the Christmas season, I wouldn`t be off target if I compared them to Santa Claws. Oops! Santa Clause.

Living up to the expectations – in fact even exceeding them – they bought me Nokia N70. They had called me one month earlier to check what I wanted.

“We are coming to India next month. Anything we can bring for you?” It was my brother-in-law on the speaker phone with my sister-in-law listening.

My parents have always taught me to refuse at least three times before accepting anything. So, I quickly said: “Nothing for me please. Nothing for me please. Nothing for me please,” and waited for them to respond.

It was my sister-in-law who spoke next: “No Rajan, we want to gift you something. Thought we should check with you and buy you something you need.”

I had only three seconds to respond. The character of a man is decided in these three seconds. I had a few options – refusing their gift and telling them that I would be excited if they stayed with us for a few days, was the best option. The worst option was to list out the things I wanted from the Gulf – barring petrol of course.

With the fear that they might give in any moment and say, “OK then, no gift for you this time”, I replied: “I really think you should not take all the trouble.”

“It is no trouble at all. In an hour`s time we are going out for shopping and we could get you whatever you want.” That was my brother-in-law.

My mind went racing. I had bought gifts for so many people (none exceeding Rs 300/-). Before I walk into a store, I have always asked myself a few questions –

• Do I really need to gift this guy – will he be useful to me?
• Will this guy ever gift me back?
• Will this gift ensure better results when I forward a resume to him?
• Is there a possibility that I am overdoing it – will he/she be happy with a Rs 200/- gift?

My mind came back to the present. I had to quickly come up with a gift item…else I might be gifted with a Gillette deo, a Gillette shaving foam and a Gillette shampoo (if at all Gillette makes that). The problem with suggesting a gift was …I didn`t know their budget and I didn`t know what the Gulf is famous for, besides fuel of course.

• If they were in Iraq…I could have asked for an armored tank.
• If they were in Palestine, I could have asked for an AK-47.
• If they were in Pakistan, I could have asked for a kilogram of RDX.
• If they were in Russia, I could have asked for a pinch of Polonium.
• If they were in Netherlands, I could have asked for some cocaine. Apparently, it is legal to buy and sell drugs there.

Since they were sitting in the Gulf, I said: “I am fine with anything as long as it is a Nokia N70 phone.”

They reached Chennai today and I have my Nokia N70. The problem is….now my wife wants to gift them something. I tried to argue…but the argument ended with a cold stare from Rekha when I said: “Why can`t we cancel the gifts…I can give them back the Nokia N70…and we wouldn`t have to buy them anything.”

Other Related Reads

Getting to know sex
Tale of a dead towel
My father once owned a bank
Damn! I am good!
Why can`t I pee properly?

An old friend called Manoj snapped this picture a week back. He is a good professional photographer and and is available at 09444916905 for similar shoot outs. To understand him and his photos better, visit www.sepiastory.com

No, I didn’t get any money for this advertisement. Instead, he shot my mother-in-law for me.