Month: February 2007

Five years back my girl friends would whisper into my ear, ‘Come to me baby.”

Two years back my wife whispered into my ear, “Let us have a baby.”

Yesterday, I walked into a baby showroom, aptly named “Diaper” and whispered into the counter lady`s ears, “I am having a baby.” I was forced to whisper because I didn`t want the other girls in the counter know that they didn`t stand a chance against me.

Yes, I have begun baby shopping and I can tell you…I am a toddler in this big, bad world. I say big and bad because I came out of the showroom all black and blue – black from the way I was treated by the counter girls and blue knowing how costly the baby things are.

“Do you have mosquito net?” I asked.

“For the baby sir?”

“No, something bigger.” I spread my palms for as long as I could without hitting the next customer.

“So, you want a mosquito net for the baby and the mother to sleep in?”

“No, I want a mosquito net for the baby, the mother and the father to sleep in.” Sometimes these counter girls can get to your nerves.

“But sir, we don`t have mosquito nets that big. After the baby is born, husbands are put in cold storage for a year or so.”

Other Must Reads

# Home alone for Jammy
# Inside the Jet Airways
# A visit to Fab India, Chennai
# A married man`s guide to safe and sound staring

The Indian Blogosphere has voted Ouchmytoe.com the second most humorous blog in India. I am happy. Would have loved to be the first but then I am not complaining. After all. didn’t somebody once say, “Seconds count!”

For those interested in numbers, Ouchmytoe came in second with 176 votes. The winner had a lot many. Details given below –

Thanks Indibloggies!

I think I would be perfect.

Post Indibloggies nomination, the writer of this blog has changed. To know how, read on.

Regular readers have always known that I was a good looker (courtesy the pic on top right corner). Now, the Indibloggies nomination in the Humor category has proved that I have brains too. Doubt that I am a good looker? Beat this – I got slapped by a lady colleague for looking real good. However, she used the synonym “stare” while talking about the incident to the other colleagues.

I agree that ever since getting nominated for the Indibloggies award, I have only been talking about myself. Let us now talk about you. Are YOU reading my Blog for the first time?

I would be surprised if you were as self obsessive but in my case it is justified. I mean…just look at me (remember…the top right corner of this website). Sometimes, I stare at that photograph of mine and get lost in my own thoughts. Today, while I was at it, I heard a colleague shout at the top of her voice even as she walked past me – “According to BBC`s today morning`s news, Copernicus has proved that the world revolves around the sun.” I didn`t bother to check if she was talking to me.

This is perhaps the right platform to also tell you that every morning I see love bites on my mirror…the intensity has increased after I got nominated for Indibloggies award. If I were you, I would really be alarmed…but since I am not you…no issues. The love bites just mean that I am in love with myself.

I have also become highly opinionated about all those who didn`t get nominated for the Indibloggies award. If you don`t like my opinion of you…you can always work on yourself (and your blog) and improve. Who is stopping you?

In order to maximize my votes and win the coveted title of ‘India`s most popular humor blogger,` I called up my friends to ask them to vote. Some didn`t pick up the phone. Some cut my call. One of them even pretended as if he was a computer and said: “Sorry, all lines in this route are busy. Please try again later.”

As if that was not insulting, a research fellow at IIT (whom I had last called three years back when I hit a deer inside the IIT campus) picked up the call and said: “Hi there! You have reached the NASA control room. To leave a message for Sunita Williams, press 1, to leave a message for the NASA Chief press 2, and for information on the 10th planet spotted recently …press 10.” If I hadn`t spent six minutes looking for number 10 on my mobile, I would have fallen for the trick.

After two hours of trying all my numbers, a good friend picked up the call.

“Hey, I have been nominated for Indibloggies award. Can you please vote for me?”

“Who is this?” This was very uncharacteristic of him. He could recognize my voice even when running 200 meters ahead of me.

“Man…this is Jammy,” I replied in a friendly tone.

“Ohh….Jammmmmmy….you know…the phone number display isn`t working on my mobile.”

“I am glad you picked up my call. None of the other guys picked it up.” When it comes to winning, I think there is nothing better than a sympathy vote.

He didn`t speak for a while. I continued the conversation: “Do you think everybody hates me?”

“Not all…only those who have met you.”

After that I heard a few hellos from the other end and the phone went silent.

Wonder why everybody has been distancing themselves from me after I was nominated for the Indibloggies award. Maybe, I have become an egotist. The silver lining is….I don`t talk of other people. Not even about the other humor bloggers nominated for the Indibloggies award.

Few Hand-Picked Posts
# First time I travelled by Kingfisher Airlines
# Inviting friends over
# Do all married men need mistresses?
# Valentine`s Day is over. Phew!

Those who thought garbage recycling was never going to be recognized have been silenced. Ouchmytoe has been nominated for India`s top Blog awards – Indibloggies!

Ouchmytoe has been nominated in the Humor blog category – quite an achievement considering humor is exactly what Ouchmytoe is aimed at. For the doubting Thomases, here is the page with all nominees listed.

Some other important links from this Blog Awards are: Categories | Jury | Sponsors

To vote for Ouchmytoe, you need to click here – and give your Name, e-mail ID & Blog if any. Once you submit, your inbox will have a link to cast your vote.

Your votes could make all the difference between Ouchmytoe being a blog forever…or it turning into a fully illustrated, excellently written, hard-bound best seller. What are you waiting for?

Central Station, Chennai
Train Number: 2601
Train Name: Mangalore Mail
Date & Time: 9 Feb, 8:15 p.m.
Destination: Kannur, Kerala

8.30 p.m.
I have just installed my Reliance data card, and believe me…it lives up to its Kar Lo Duniya Muthi Main line. I am traveling in the train from Chennai to Kannur and on the way responding to Ouchmytoe readers who have left their comments. If this isn`t awesome, what else could be?

8.31 p.m.
Ohhh…wait! There is a there is a pretty lady in seat number 13. I am in seat number 16 – the side upper berth and have a good view of her.

8.40 p.m.
Unfortunately, Rekha keeps calling me and asking questions like: ‘Do you miss me?” for which my replies have to be really measured. I don`t want the pretty lady to know that I am already married. Why should she be deprived of happiness just because Rekha got to me first? Why do men have to marry only once? Women…I can understand. But why men? Which brings us to the question of – what if men married many times and expected women to marry only once…we would need at least 2-3 times more women in this world than there are now. Perhaps, that`s why we are going by the 1:1 ratio.

8.50 p.m.
I notice the pretty lady is a Keralaite. She is talking in Malayalam. The language has never sounded sweeter. What is it with Tamilians and Malayalis? Why do they always fall in love?

9.00 p.m.
Oops! Who is that two-year-old kid sitting next to the pretty lady? Definitely not her son…..because I can see that the kid is wearing a frock, earrings and a bindi. Could she be her daughter? Perhaps. Let me wait till the kid opens her mouth – how will she address the pretty lady? Amma? Mummy? Amme? How long do I have to wait till the kid opens its mouth? Hope I don`t have to wait for five years. I did take that long to speak out for the first time. Some in my family thought I had Down`s syndrome while a few others put warm goat blood on my tongue so that I could talk sooner. I didn`t talk…but shouted because my uncle was standing on my toes. “Ouch my toe,” I remember saying.

9.20 p.m.
The pretty lady picks up water to drink. Hope that`s clean. One can never trust the Railway guys….they can be quite adulterous. I remember this married-with-two-kids station master neighbor of mine who had an affair going on with his colleague. He was quite adulterous.

9.21 p.m.
While tilting her head back to pour water into her gentle throat, she steals a glance at me. Our eyes meet, but I act out a there-is-a-speck-of-dust-in-my-eye thing and start banging on my keyboard. She perhaps thinks I am master software professional. She doesn`t know that I am using MS Word – the most basic of all softwares. While typing, I sometimes pause and look at the dirty fan…sometimes at the chain (the one used to stop the train)…sometimes at the windows…all this to make her feel that I am a great software professional who is coming up with something which would make Yahoo & Google look like also-rans.

9.30 p.m.
I see that she has got up and is correcting her clothes. Wonder why. Hope she isn`t eyeing the TTE. I can see the TTE checking our co-passenger`s tickets.

9.34 p.m.
The TTE leaves. The pretty lady walks towards the washbasin. We are sitting in 3rd AC…and the washrooms are only slightly better than what one would find in 2nd class compartments. But can I warn her? Would I be well within my rights? I hope she doesn`t go into the washrooms. She walks back and is looking at me this very moment. I smile. I can see that she doubts her ability to control herself in front of a handsome man. She just looks down and keeps walking.

9.37 p.m.
I have decided…once her parents sleep, I will get her phone number. Better still Yahoo ID.

9.40 p.m.
Found out that she is also going to Kannur….I had to get down and look at the reservation chart.

9.45 p.m.
They are switching off the lights. Why can`t people sleep with the lights on? I am staring into the dark. Can`t see anything. Wonder if she is also staring into the dark? Something that`s going against me is the fact that I remove my glasses while sleeping.

10 Feb, 10.24 a.m.
Couldn`t her phone number or Yahoo ID. In love with her though. We are reaching Kannur in five minutes.

10 Feb, 10.32 a.m.
We have reached Kannur. Her husband has come to pick her up. Glad I held myself last night – he is huge. Must be 6 feet 4 inches. At least a foot taller than I am.

10 Feb, 10.34 a.m.
Spotted Mr Chandrashekaran Nair – my father in law. He reminds me of my pregnant wife. Will be meeting Rekha in half an hour. Thinking of romantic sentences to say…lies don`t come that easily anymore.

Other Equally Good Reads

# Buffet dinner with ex-colleagues…
# Mirror, mirror on the wall
# Women – somebody TELL ME what they want
# Accepting gifts from relatives
# Inviting friends over

Thanks to Flash’s comment left here, I have realized that for the last 30 years of my life I have been referring to Storks as Strokes! What shame…on my teachers. Needless to say, you will have to keep this spelling mistake in mind while reading the post below.

I have always believed that God is losing his charm. No, I am not Satan but I definitely feel that God is losing his hold over today`s people. I stopped believing in him a few days after I got married to Rekha. It was shocking to know that God didn`t send the kids.

I am lucky, I came to know about God not supplying the kids in 2004 itself but I have a few nephews and nieces who don`t know that God is not the supplier of kids…and it is already 2007.

The other day one of my nieces asked (unfortunately, I can`t reproduce the six year old girl`s tone here): “Rajan, how did Shanti aunty get a baby boy?”

I stared at the girl. Sometimes staring helps. Most of the times, it doesn`t. I had to say something to stop her from staring back at me.

“Strokes visited Shanti auntie`s house last month and dropped a baby boy.” I was sure she would buy into the story.

“Strokes?”

“Yes, strokes. Strokes.” I repeated for emphasis.

“You mean the bird stroke?”

“Yes.”

“Surprising. Because only last week I saw a Discovery channel documentary on Strokes, and they didn`t mention a thing.”

“The US Government as part of its war against terrorism has asked Discovery Channel to keep it under wraps.” I tried to talk like Condellaza Rice, but it didn`t help.

“But, I thought one had to be married to have a baby. How do the strokes know that a lady is married or not?”

“Before dropping the baby, the strokes look around for a man-woman pair shopping.” I wanted to end this at the earliest.

“A boy and girl who are just lovers could also be shopping together. How come the strokes don`t mistake them to be married and drop babies. Wouldn`t it be embarrassing if Santosh uncle and the lady he meets in the temple come home with a baby one day?”

“Strokes don`t make such mistakes. They are intelligent.” This had become like the chess game where both players have only their King and Queen and thus can`t win, but want to continue playing.

“How?” The kid asked me.

If kids that ask questions grow up to be intelligent, I am sure our President Dr Abdul Kalam would have asked many questions when young. But then, I am also sure that he wouldn`t have been a popular kid among his relatives.

“Strokes hover above the shop for a while, and if the man drops out of the shot for a smoke or a tea or a 2-ruppee packet of groundnuts…it is a sure sign that the couple is married. If the man and the woman come out laughing from the shop, the strokes don`t drop the baby.”

I thought I had ended the conversation but apparently I hadn`t…for my niece immediately asked: “I always thought God existed.”

I didn`t want to start another war…so just muttered “Jesus” and moved on.

Other Must Reads

# When the stomach is full
# On why I am against helmets
# My wife is a murderer
# A visit to Fab India, Chennai
# Oxymoronic life that we live in…