Month: May 2007

Don`t you wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There`s one marked “Brightness” but it doesn`t work.
– Gallagher

Today (29th May), my daughter is two months old. This also means that it has been five months since my wife Rekha left me stranded in Chennai so that she can deliver the baby in her town (village, actually).

In the last five months, my only companion has been our 29 inch, gray colored Samsung. We have now become good friends.

Between 10-hours of work and 8-hours of sleep, I have been able to squeeze in 7-8 hours of television time. Speaks volumes of my ability to put my shoulder to the wheel and grind away. Some argue that it`s the comfortable bean bag I sit on.

I have been in front of a television for so long, that I even spotted two of my friends. Selva Bhoopathy rode his Yamaha across the screen when the Sun TV camera man was focusing on the accident spot and Ranjith Nair was getting down from a bus in a documentary on the crowded Chennai busses.

While on the subject of appearing on television…if I were given a choice between an orgasm and appearing on television, I would prefer the latter. After all, appearing on television depends on the program producer`s mood…while an orgasm is in my own hands.

As I was saying, I have been having 8-hour sessions in front of the television. And I have realized that watching television can be made easier if you are near your snacks (place the air-tight, snack container next to your bean bag) and the television is in a room with attached washroom (stop! You can`t place that next to your bean bag).

Thanks to my television marathons, we now even have furniture in our house. The other day I was watching popular American sitcom ‘Friends` and Joey Tribbiani blurted out: “What? You don`t own a TV? What`s all your furniture pointing out at?”

Joey had made me realize that I was living my life all ulta, so I bought new furniture and placed all of them facing the television.

One drawback of watching too much television is the loss of friends. I now have lesser friends than I had five months back (though, Rekha would translate that as ‘less money spent`).

Back in the good old days, I used to have a lot of friends because I never watched TV…instead I read a lot of books. My friends would address me as a well-read gentleman (ok, I am lying about the gentleman bit). But now, nobody addresses me as ‘well-read`. I tried to argue saying the latest headlines ticker running at the bottom qualifies as text, but my friends wouldn`t believe me.

One of my favourite television channels is the TV18 Group owned Home Shopping Network … AWAAZ. It is the only channel which attempts to solve the shopping problems of India`s helpless, stuck-at-home TV viewers like me.

On my first day with AWAAZ, I hated its salespeople. They were having multiple orgasms while I was stuck in front of the television. The next day, I realized that the programs were recorded and they were only trying to act excited and sell products like –

It becomes a double whammy when research agencies like AC Nielsen decide to use “mention in blogs” as a metric and corporates buy them!

According to a recent Nielsen BuzzMetrics Sustainability Monitor study, Wal-Mart is the corporation most linked with blog posts that mention ‘sustainability’. Wal-Mart was mentioned in 1.77 percent of the 356,403 blog posts about ‘sustainability’ measured between 3/15/06 and 3/15/07.

What’s not clear is whether these mentions are positive or negative. What is clear though is…blog speak (or wisdom of the crowd) is being heard. One for the lonely blogger! Read Full Article on MediaBuyerPlanner.com

I hate to tell you but Rekha stops being my better half from today. Yes, I am serious. Ouchmytoe will continue to write about her and give you the latest stories from her life…but she will no longer be Jammy`s better half.

What about Rhea? Well, more on that later. But the thing I am sure about is that…Rekha, the lady you all seemed to love more than I did, is no longer my better half.

I am mighty upset at this…but there is very little I can do. Rekha is a strong woman and if she decided on something, it is difficult to budge her.

From now onwards, Rekha will be my better three-quarters. Yes, she has put on a lot of weight after the delivery!

Successful book? I can`t commit yet. But I certainly hope so.

Does this mean I quit my job and sit at my desk every morning at 7 a.m. with a hot cup of Assam tea and bang my keyboard? Or do I juggle both the hats till the book (any suggestions for the title?) is a success and I make it big. Perhaps, hob-nobbing with the likes of Salman Rushdie, Vikram Seth, Anita Desai and Sania Mirza. No, Sania is not a writer.

What are the possible consequences of the book being a success, I ask myself. Pity, I can only wonder.

Will India wake up one fine Sunday to my interview on the Sunday Supplement`s front page? Will the Radio Jockey Michi Suchi finally say, ‘Hey, today we have with us Jammy of Ouchmytoe.com. For those who don`t know…I once worked with him. Think it was year 2000!”

Will Karan Thapar host me on Hard Talk and push me to a corner? Like all the Hindi heros, I will get pushed around initially…and then with my quick wit and humor, emerge victorious. The next day, people will be heard talking about my Hard Talk interview near the water coolers. They would perhaps be saying: “Did you see how Jammy made an ass of Karan Thapar? I am glad somebody could give it back to Thapar, eventually.”

After the first book succeeds, will I be provided black cat security while writing the second book? I heard JK Rowling got that kind of security…or did she get the black cat security because she was writing about magic and witches?

Groucho Marx once said of a book: “From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.” I don`t know which author and which book Groucho Marx was talking about…but I sure hope nobody echoes the same sentiments about my book, which will be published by new and upcoming Wensor Publishing.

I know the awesome dude Sidin who writes at http://sidin.blogspot.com/ got his book published. Is there a second…or will it be a podium finish for me?

PS: The negotiations are still on. While I trust this will go the full distance….we all have heard of Jammy`s law of agreements which is – “No agreement is 100% complete till both the parties have sighed!”

What are you waiting for, wish me luck. Pity luck should rhyme with…

Fine. If you refuse to get it right…here is the easiest of clues!

If you can find out what is common between the phrases mentioned below…you can guess what the announcement would be. All the best!

I have an announcement to make on Ouchmytoe. Can somebody guess what it could be?

Come on….give it a shot…

Update: The comments this post has received are a must read. Please don’t miss the funny, probable announcements that are being suggested. Believe me…none of the 20 people who have left comments (till 6 p.m. on Friday) are anywhere close to the actual announcement.