Flirt with controversy but never marry her

In the last 32 years I have realized that the way we combine the words make all the difference between diplomacy and terrorism. Simply put, years have taught me to flirt with ‘controversy` but never marry her.

Instead of asking –

“Do people in your country fart a lot?”

I ask –

“Is your country’s cuisine fart-friendly?”

Instead of saying –

“You spend a lot of time shopping and wasting money.”

I say –

“What all would your parents have bought for their house if we had given them the money we spent today?”

Instead of saying –

“I want to have sex and beer tonight.”

I say –

“You look pretty – is that the new lip gloss?”

If you have been as diplomatic, do leave a comment…after all there is no end to learning.

Other Must Reads

# To be a father or not to be
# A married man`s guide to safe and sound staring
# I think I am pregnant
# Our visit to the gynecologist….
# How NASA selected me for one of their programs

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To tell you a secret

Cause: Erratic posts on this blog for the last two months
BeCause: An awesome ibibo Sawaal, which went live last night after months of hard work

Yours sincerely would be very happy if you can take a look at the new ibibo Sawaal and leave your feedback, here.

Dangers of Short Messaging Service (SMS)

Here is a series of SMS exchanged between Rekha and me in January, 2004 – way before we got married. I have tried to give you the date and time for easy comprehension.

Jan 3, 6.30 p.m. – Rajan: I am going to Bangalore tonight

Jan 3, 6.33 p.m. – Rekha: Why?

Jan 3, 6.35 p.m. – Rajan: I need to be there for something important

Jan 3, 6.37 p.m. – Rekha: Official?

Jan 3, 6.38 p.m. – Rajan: No…family stuff.

Jan 3, 6.44 p.m. – Rekha: What family stuff? Why didn`t you tell me earlier?

Jan 3, 6.49 p.m. – Rajan: Was a sudden decision. There is Puja in Bangalore

Jan 3, 7.01 p.m. – Rekha: What is this Puja about?

Jan 3, 7.09 p.m. – Rajan: Can`t talk about Puja. I am not supposed to. Might not work out.

Jan 3, 7.29 p.m. – Rekha: OK fine. Go ahead. Happy Journey.

———-X———-X———-

Jan 4, 4.30 p.m. – Rekha: Why are you not calling me?

Jan 4, 4.45 p.m. – Rajan: Been busy. Had to buy stuff for Puja

Jan 4, 4.46 p.m. – Rekha: What stuff?

Jan 4, 4.56 p.m. – Rajan: All kinds of trinklets. Costly stuff.

Jan 4, 4.58 p.m. – Rekha: Can I call you? Feel like talking

Jan 4, 5.10 p.m. – Rajan: Can`t talk now. Am waiting for Puja to begin

Jan 4, 5.13 p.m. – Rekha: Will you call me afterwards?

Jan 4, 5.30 p.m. – Rajan: Will do love

———-X———-X———-

Jan 4, 9.30 p.m. – Rajan: Puja is done with me. Can I call?

The message I sent at 9.30 p.m. on January 4 – soon after I dropped Puja at her place – was my undoing.

Some timeless jokes

Some jokes are timeless. Like the one given below which has been told at least 10 times by Rahul Razdan, and yet manages to bring out a smile out of a tired me.

Apparently, two Sardars were sitting on a tree feeling Happy. And then, Happy left.

BTW, have you downloaded the Ouchmytoe Wallpaper yet?

[Click on the thumbnail below to download the 1024X768 version. Sincere apologies, we don’t have the 800X600 resolution yet]


Downloaded times

Now Rekha and I fight for different reasons

After Rhea (our baby) was born, Rekha and I fight over newer issues. Earlier we used to fight over who would watch the the television, whose family was better, the girl names I would mention by mistake, who looked fatter and not to mention Madhuri Dixit.

But Rhea`s arrival has changed everything. Now, we have graduated to bigger issues like – who will change the diaper, who will warm water for the baby`s bath, who will fetch the Johnson & Johnson Baby Powder from the cupboard etc.

The other day I was baby sitting when alone in the house and was forced to change the diaper. Believe me, it is a very easy exercise if your wife is around…but if she is away, it only makes sense to delay it as much as possible.

I did manage to delay it by 10 minutes, but babies seem to lack the patience grown up adults` like you and me exhibit. I would have held on further…but when two neighbors rang the bell to enquire why the baby was crying, I had to swing into action.

The seasoned internet campaigner that I am, I Googled for ‘how to change the diaper`, and took a print out of the page. I then took a fresh, clean diaper from the pack and spread it on the cot.

The baby was still crying when I decided to remove the dirty diaper. If you have never changed a diaper before, let me tell you that used diaper is heavy. This is new in a man`s world…a used beer bottle is lighter, a used cigarette pack is lighter, a used Printer cartridge is lighter, a used deo spray can is lighter…but a used diaper is heavier.

If you have never got a chance to look at a used diaper, you are lucky. If you have had a chance…I have a question for you: “Which continent did you spot on the diaper – I could spot Africa and a bit of Australiasia?”

I held my baby`s legs up, and slid the dirty diaper from under her bums…somehow…a bit of the what-do-you-call-that stuck to her bums. If I had let go, the only Bombay Dyeing bed sheet we had at home would have turned yellow…so still holding her legs in the air, I reached our for a sheet of paper lying around.

Once the dirty diaper was wrapped in a newspaper (one with a Geetanjali Nagpal photo – poor girl..from fashion to drugs to a shitty diaper), I threw it in a dustbin nearby.

As luck would have it, the sheet of paper I had reached out to for cleaning my daughter`s bums…was the one with “how to change a diaper” instructions.

With no instructions at hand, I didn`t know how to fix the diaper around the baby`s waist. I tried using Fevicol…but all those promises of Fevicol ka mazbooth jod proved to be lies. I then searched for a cellotape and pasted the diaper around my daughter`s waist.

As luck would have it, my wife was home sooner than later and the first thing she saw was her baby sprawled on the bed, with a new diaper taped around her waist.

“What have you done?” She shouted at me.

“What do you mean? The baby is fine…why you shouting at me?” I raised my voice. A man, especially somebody who had proved himself by fathering a child, can never take anything lying down.

“You have used cellotape for the diaper? Didn`t you know that diapers are self-sufficient?” She was even louder.

The neighbours who had come when the baby had cried, were back. Just that this time, they didn`t ring the bell…they stood at the door witnessing the fight.

“Rekha, how am I to know that? The print out I had taken had to be used in wiping some extras from your daughter`s bums.” I was being loud, and I was sure.

By now, Rekha had deftly removed the cellotape and set the diaper right. With the confidence that comes from handling a husband for more than three years, she turned towards me and said: “A man with your IQ should have a low voice!”

Being a chaste man who didn`t take anything lying down (especially milk & water), I retorted: “Tell me everything you know about rearing babies…I have the time….anyway you will take only fifteen seconds.”

I gave my victorious smile – the one which involves taking my upper lip over my Bugs Bunny teeth. Just when I thought I had won the battle of wits…my wife said: “I refuse to enter a battle of wits with you. I am not used to hurting unarmed people.”

I didn`t say a word.

Moral of the story: Always take two print outs.

# When I became a cockroach
# What if there were no women in the World
# What if meat were made in a lab…
# What if I were an egg….
# Encounters of the third kind

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Ouchmytoe Recommends: This week’s funnies

World`s funniest billboards – those that exist and those that don`t

On August 31st, Ouchmytoe carried an article on why only women are used on billboards. During my research for the article, I came across a blog which listed out “Billboards we will never see” – perhaps, the best funny billboards collection on the internet. Some of the funny billboards being presented have adult content…but who cares. We are all billboard-loving-adults here…aren`t we? Click Here

When fathers buy clothes for babies

When my daughter was born on March 29, 2007 I rushed to the nearest Mother Care (In Chennai) and bought two dresses for her costing Rs 1000/-. It has only been five months and she can`t wear them now. Now, I know…that while buying clothes for babies…buy them of your size. That way, when your baby out grows them…you can still wear them. Why are we talking crap…here take a look at what happens when fathers end up buying clothes for their babies. Click Here

Twenty five interesting things you learn about computers in the movies

We have all seen computers being shown in movies. Some of us have seen computers in the movies and got misled. Take me for example…when one of the 1995 movies said “soon computers would be doing everything and man wouldn`t have to even move his finger”…I wanted my parents to buy me one. I was having trouble washing my clothes. Believe me…movies give a totally different picture. If you thought you could gain access to any information on your bosses` laptop by just typing “ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES” on any keyboard…you are mistaken. I tried on my boss` laptop and it asked me if I wanted to change the font color of the text or not. For similar such mistakes movie directors do, Click Here.

The difference: Photos taken without Flash and with Flash

This is a real killer…I never know that flash could make such a difference to a photo. Try this out. Clicking on the given link is a must if you love photography or you love anything funny. Click Here

Google Adwords can be funny

Most companies use Google Adwords to advertise on Google, and thus end up creating a single template advertisement and using the same for a host of keywords. Needless to say, what works for one wouldn`t work for the other. I myself have come across funny advertisements that Google ends up carrying. To view 20+ funny Google advertisements, Click Here

Two funny Google advertisements (samples):

Rajans Exposed! Funny posts about my family

# Mother in law vs daughter in law
# Accepting gifts from relatives
# My world is suddenly crowded
# Rekha is getting ready for my family
# Superstition in my family

Jammy, you stole my sleep

Yesterday, I had a mail in my Gmail inbox which had an interesting subject: “Jammy, you stole my sleep”. My immediate reaction was, “Has the mail come from a girl or a boy?” I checked…and it had come from Viji – in all probability a south Indian (pretty!) girl.

I started reading, thinking it was a digital love letter. Unfortunately, it was not. Instead it was a mail written in the form of a story, detailing how Ouchmytoe has a negative impact on its readers.

The mail is being reproduced as is (with all the Grammar & spelling mistakes!). I hope Viji doesn`t mind. Warning: It is a very long mail.

The Fan Mail:

One of my friend and colleague recently suggested Ouchmytoe. Like all his usual suggestions this was very good too. From then on most of the days I found myself visiting it 10 minutes before I left for home and reading a couple of posts. This eased the day’s pressures at office (if there were any).

Incidentally, the post I read on Sep 6th, 2006, which was chosen at random from the archives – that has become a usual practice these days – was about Jammy and Rekha`s Wedding. As I was heading home I thought I should probably write to Jammy and wish the couple on their wedding anniversary. That way, I appreciate this coincidence of my random choice of post that told me about their wedding day and God, its just couple of days ahead – Fine, it doesn’t costs to wish anyone- I thought I would write to him the next day.

I wrote a mail to Jammy wishing him formally the next day and it was over. Latter that day in the middle of the night, my phone rang and the call was from an unfamiliar number. As I managed to say “hello” in a sleepy tone the voice on the other side literally woke me up so well that I sat up. Earlier in the day, I had heard this voice – it was my Manager’s counterpart who demanded a review of my presentation – that same hoarse threatening voice, but it said ‘Hi- Jammy here – Thanks for your wishes’.

I was taken aback. How could Jammy know my number and the STD code – oops!…cell phones doesn’t need STD codes! It was surprising. We spoke formally and hung up. Minutes later I got another call, this time from a different number but it was Jammy again. He said he wanted to treat me for my wishes and I gently denied and the call was over too. I never thought Jammy goes out of the way and pleases his readers.

It was more annoying than shocking when Jammy called again from yet another number and said he had already sent a gift through post. God, how on earth could he trace my PG address too? This time I decided to be ruder and told him, ‘Look Jammy! Probably no one has ever wished you, but you should know how to react – not like this in the middle of the night”.

His voice became hoarser and he said “Rekha too is involved in this “and hung up.

I was scared. “What a mess I had created by wishing Jammy? ”

With this my maid servant came to me and said I have visitors waiting for me in the living room. I just said I would join soon and asked her to leave. The moment she left I realized asked myself, “From when did I have a maid servant for myself….and who is this lady”

The phone rang again and this time it was “Vampire calling….” I started to sweat coz I didn`t have any vampire`s phone number listed on my phone. My head started to swirl and I realized something was seriously going wrong.

I was going crazy letting strangers inside my house…I had lost the power to think. I answered the call and it was Jammy again – he just said he was on the way to my house. Apparently he wanted to meet me.

Now everything was clear. Jammy was a leech in disguise. He traced Ouchmytoe readers and attacked them for his everyday blood thirst. Unfortunately, on today`s menu it was me.

I realized I had made horrible mistake by suggesting Ouchmytoe to some of my friends.

He had mentioned in the previous call that Rekha is involved too. This meant Rekha was one too. And if the maid servant was one of theirs, I was in a trap!

One thing wasn`t clear…did Jammy do this to every reader or just to people who try to contact him?

My heart started beating faster and I felt a chill. I couldn’t exactly decide on my next reaction.

When I was wondering what else to do, the maid servant came again and I blindly followed her to the living room. I tried to say something but my mouth was dry.

Fortunately they were all familiar faces. My living room was full of my colleagues…and I was happy for a moment. Probably the maid servant was a God sent force to save me from this vampire world. They said they had come to meet Hari, my 2-year-old nephew.

By now, I had completely forgotten about Jammy the vampire.

I told my colleagues that Hari was at home and not staying with me at my PG. I hadn`t even finished the sentence, when I heard a postman shouting my name outside the house. Since when did postmen start visiting in the middle of the night?

I went out to meet him, and as soon as I saw him I realized he could be Jammy`s man. But it was too late for the postman in red and white uniform had placed his hand around my neck. There was no escape and I was shrieking in pain and fear but nobody inside the living room heard it. Somehow, I managed to free myself and ran miles and miles. After what seemed like hours, I was inside my living room.

My troubles weren`t over yet, for now everybody inside the living room were postmen in the same red and white uniform. I kept running madly…trying to escape them…and in fear my legs were not taking me where they were supposed to.

While I was running away, I heard one of the postman mention Hari`s name – so there is a plot laid for him too!

“I should somehow protect his life,” I told myself.

When I turned, I saw one of the postmen going for Hari…I didn`t have the tie to wonder how Hari was now with me instead of being at home. Hari was oblivious of what was happening around and was sleeping happily.

I could bear it no more and like all Tamil movie heroes, I had suddenly gotten my strength. I ran towards the vampire and hit him hard in order to save my lovely nephew.

I must have hit him hard, for it pained. It was as if I had hit a metal. But why should it pain this bad? It took me a while to realize that I had hit the edge of my cot and my cell phone which I usually kept at bed side had also fallen down.

It was a nightmare alright I looked around and none of my roommates were there – they must have gone for their night shifts.

It took me 5-10 minutes to realize that Jammy was not a vampire. I stayed awake for three hours and I had to be early in office the next day.

Who was the culprit? Whom should I curse for my nightmare?

Vishy for introducing me to Ouchmytoe? My Manager’s counterpart with his hoarse voice? My nephew Hari who maddens me with his love? Myself…for thinking of wishing Jammy on his wedding day? Or Jammy, who was the major part of this nightmare?

I could only think of cursing Jammy….the villain of this piece.

As I attempted to curse him, I can only say: “Long live Jammy in a life that is very sweet and lovable. A life that has both Rekha and Rhea to share moments with – wishing you advance happy wedding anniversary!”

Note (from Viji):

1. Everything was nothing but the truth
2. I don`t expect the vampire calling me this evening
3. Sorry for the subject line of this mail – it should have been “Jammy you stole my sleep – by being in my night mare”

If you have the strength, read these as well

# Sending off a girl to Mumbai
# My adventures – Chennai to Gurgaon
# Inside the Jet Airways flight
# Valentine`s Day is over. Phew!
# A married man`s guide to safe and sound staring