Happy New Year

As my daughter in the picture says, if you have been reading Ouchmytoe, we guarantee a Happy New Year and not just wish you. That`s why I thought we needed an article on ‘Happy New Year` was/is/will be celebrated.

Rekha and I had celebrated 2006`s New Year`s Eve by venturing out in the dark (an event which was chronicled here) but this year it is going to be a quite one. My 9-month-old baby doesn`t like partying.

Talking of partying, can you recollect how you parted your colleagues on the last working day of the year? Well, I shook hands with the guys and hugged the girls. Just in case you didn`t know, New Years Eve is second only to Holi when it comes to feeling the girls, as other girls feel.

New Years` Eves in the early part of my life were before our television set. Doordarshan would start running the promos at least 15 days in advance. And after building a suspense that was bound to burst sooner than later they would start their programming at 10 p.m. on 31st Dec. Their best TV host would drop anchor and when you sat in front of the TV, it seemed as if he would come alive any moment and jump into your living room. For long I even thought the guy used to live inside our TV – our ECTV was so big. The high-energy (and high-Bollywood content) program would go blank at 11.59 p.m. and a digital clock would start taking us closer to ‘Happy New Year`.

At 12.00 midnight the screen would come alive again and the anchor would shout “Happy New Year” and we would join him. Needless to say, everybody – both inside the TV and outside – would hug each other and wish Happy New Year. Note: I wonder how many of you remember the hand that would come in to place an announcement board that said: ‘Rukawat Ke Liye Khed Hai,` whenever Doordarshan had programming issues.

The pious lady that she is, my mother would give us all a spoon full of sugar and say: “Let this year begin sweetly.” Once when I asked why she never offered any sugar to the program host, she said: “We can`t offer it to the host alone…there are at least 40 others in the set. And we only have half a kg of sugar in the house.”

Things changed as I grew up. When I was all of 24 years and as innocent as a white lily in English breeze….I went to Rajpath (the road in Delhi, which South Indians know as the India Gate road) after our New Year`s Eve party. I saw neatly dressed gentlemen teasing girls, some of them trying to molest, and some trying to rape. I enjoyed my time and only after we had left did my friends tell me that it wasn`t a movie shooting. I remember asking: “But that guy looked so much like Pran?”

The next year I wasn`t in Delhi, but on the Chennai roads reveling in the new found freedom. I had three credit cards in my pocket and I could buy the whole world. Believe me…the New Year looks great if you got purchasing power in your hands. I was piss drunk, and we were stopping all bikes & cars and wishing them a Happy New Year.

Rhea Rajan

Rhea`s pic snapped in the ninth month

If the cars had pretty girls, we would insist on the window being lowered and say: “Happy new year, Sister!” As soon as the cars speed away, one of us would comment: “Nice babe, huh?”

The very next year a friend of mine inherited a Maruti 800, when his father bought a Ford Ikon. This time, we went out in the car…and there were these drunk bastards, who would stop the car at every corner and want to wish us ‘Happy New Year” …as if we cared. It was so pathetic that we had to buy a few beers and rush back home.

How times change…now I prefer a quite New Years Eve, at home.

If unlike me, you are a party animal you probably look out for those free passes to late-night New Year parties. There is a thing with New Year party passes – if somebody offers them to you on 31st Dec, rest assured you were last in the queue of preferences. Such freebies are first offered to the most interesting of people and when they decline (because they have lots of others offering them passes) it trickles down to the least interesting.

Way back in 2002, I once accepted such a pass and attended a late night New Year`s party. Close to 12 midnight, when the lights were switched off I was looking at a girl standing to my left – and she was looking at me too. As soon as the lights went off…a hand from my left pulled me aside and gave me a strong kiss on my lips. The kisser was really passionate for it didn`t stop till the lights came up again. And thank God, they did…for the lights showed me that I was receiving a kiss from a 30-something man. I could see a yucky-relief feeling in him too when he pushed me away – as if it was my fault. He probably mistook me for the girl who was standing to my left.

Survival guide for office
When the office colleagues gather after the New Year, there are bound to be questions like: “So what did you do for the New Year?” “Which party did you go to?” etc. Are you prepared enough? Ouchmytoe recommends leafing thro` the last week`s newspapers so that you can let out sharp ones like: “Before I went to the party at the five-star Hotel Galaxy, I had dropped in at Bristol for half an hour …and man was the crowd rocking or what?!”

Don’t worry about the end result

Lord Krishna`s Gita might be a Hindu book (or a girl next door), but I am sure all religions suggest that one should just work and not worry about the result. And what`s the first thing we teach our kids? “Don`t cry baby, I will give you a chocolate.” Here, isn`t the chocolate the end result? I have decided that there will be no such bribes for Rhea, my 9-month-old daughter.

Just because my parents weren`t as thoughtful…I enquired about the ‘result` even before joining ibibo. I asked Santosh, the HR person, “So, what will be my Cost to the Company?”

Categories
Sex

Study Reveals Why Monkeys Shout During Sex

Research reveals that female monkeys shout during sex

to help their male partners climax. Helpful ladies, one must say.

According to the research a type of monkey – Barbary macaques (Macaca sylvanus) almost never ejaculated when the ladies were not loud. Man…I am so glad this isn`t true for we humans. The Human race would have been extinct by now. To read the complete story, Click Here

While you are at it, you might also want to view this slideshow about the world`s top ten Aphrodisiacs – the topmost being ‘Respect`. Click Here

Buying a Microwave oven

Percy Spencer, the scientist who accidentally invented microwave ovens (read more about it here), didn`t know what a magnificent equipment he was leaving behind for generations to come. God rest his soul. If he is still alive (and obviously old), God…please grant him one extra day with his microwave oven.

Yesterday, we bought a microwave oven! Yes, sixty-two years after the technology was invented, sixty-one years after it was patented and sixty years after the first microwaves hit the market….we bought one for ourselves. I know…we haven`t really been keeping up with the Jones…but then, in India…isn`t it about keeping up with the Agarwals?

After consulting hundreds of friends – some of them special and close to the heart and some that come two-a-penny – we decided to go in for a Samsung CE1031LAT (Read its Review on MouthShut | To post a review on other consumer durables products, try out ibibo Opinions)

If you are planning to buy a microwave oven, I suggest you hold on till it is really necessary – like when your wife cites ‘not buying a microwave` as a reason and cancels the trip to her mother`s place.

I say hold on because…one of the friends I sought advice from said she used it only to cook Maggi. Another friend pointed out that after the first week of enthusiastic microwave cooking the sleek machine was used to store her niece`s and nephew`s crayons. We anyway went ahead and bought one for Rs 10,000 and upwards.

At 4 p.m. on Monday, after swiping my card, the consumer durable guy told us that the mean machine would be delivered within the next two hours. We called him at 6.01 p.m….and complained about his lack of punctuality. I don`t know what did the trick – we only called him 17 times in the next one hour – but by 8 p.m., the microwave was in our house.

Samsung CE1031LAT

This is the Samsung Microwave Oven we bought

As soon as the attendants left, I realized the microwave oven was way too big. In the shop it didn`t look so big. The same happened to me when I bought a Samsung 29 inch TV (and no…Samsung isn`t paying me to endorse them, yet) three years back. I thought the TV looked fine but when it came home, I couldn`t sleep with my legs straight till I changed my house the next week. If you like your girls small and cute…please don`t buy Samsung CE1031LAT.

Anyway, I opened up Samsung CE1031LAT`s User Manual. Due to smudging of the printing ink…it read ‘Loser Manual`. “How true,” I commented…while memorizing all the controls. I am now planning to apply for a helicopter pilot`s license – a helicopter`s controls can`t be more complex than a microwave oven`s.
By the time I had complete control over the mean machine that lie naked in front of me, it was 9 p.m.. Rekha noticed the passion in my eyes, and covered the microwave with a piece of white cloth. Here is the excuse she gave: “It is new…I don`t want a coat of dust on it.”

To cut the long story short, we had been living & breathing microwave oven the whole day and when we went to sleep that night, we nursed only one grudge: “Why does it have to be microwave-friendly vessels…and why not steel utensils, which we had in abundance?”

Other Similar Reads

# A funny commentary on being fat
# Rekha is getting ready for my family
#Do Platonic relationships really exist?
# Things to remember when men decide to cook

Teething Issues

With kids come teething issues. For the parents as well. And we aren`t referring to teenagers who get married and then run to the dentist citing pain due to wisdom tooth. Note for teenagers: Please don`t marry before the wisdom tooth grows to its fullest.

When Rhea was born, we had a teether (The dictionary defines a teether as An object or device, such as a teething ring, for a baby to bite on during teething.) ready for her. It was gifted to us by a couple who got 13 teethers as gifts from friends and relatives when their baby was born.

If you are about to have a baby, you might want to tie-up with a baby products retailer and make some money by diverting the surplus to his/her shop. We did the same and made approximately Rs 9785 – which has been credited into Rhea`s bank account as her first earning.

Anyway, for the first five months the teether was of no use. Rhea preferred her nimble fingers to the plastic teether. It took us five months before we could convince her that the teether was made from re-cycled plastic and hence wasn`t contributing to global warming. In September this year, she gave in and started using the teether. If you are a guy and haven`t had a baby yet (babies outside of marriages aren`t being considered while I say this), you probably don`t know what baby colors are.

For your convenience, they are being shown here:

As I was saying, in September Rhea started using her teether. Over time, the teether started donning many roles. Though it was supposed to be a device on which she could chew on during her teething …she also started using it as a toy. She would hold it in her right hand and hit it on the floor…the sound created was orgasmic. At least that`s what I gathered from Rhea`s expressions.

Again, over time…the teether became an integral part of her. She would want to hold it while awake, and when asleep. As a result, the teether was removed from between her lips and placed right next to her when she fell asleep. This was to ensure continuity …and the moment she got up, she would start playing with the teether again.

At least that`s how we ensured she remained happy, till one morning at 4.30 a.m….Rhea got up and decided to play with her teether. After repeated attempts to bang the teether on the cot (which had a cheap six inch mattress) and create some sound and failing…she looked around for a solid surface. What better solid surface on a bed that the father`s forehead? I wouldn`t really go into the details of what happened next…but yeah there was “sound” when she hit my forehead. Mind you, 9-month-olds can be really strong.

In my house, the teether is used for various other activities:

  • As a repository of gum when one need to stick envelopes. Just in case you didn`t know baby saliva has the inherent property of solidifying into a Fevicol-type adhesive when left unattended by an adult for a few days.
  • As a taste-maker during Sambar preparation. That is, if dropped inside by a kid being carried by the mother during cooking.
  • As an ant killer. Teethers can make excellent ant-killers. Surprisingly, when an adult tries it (esp a drunk, male adult) the ‘ant killed per number of attempts` ratio drops down drastically.
  • As excellent stumble-upons. Teethers if left unattended in unsuspecting areas of the house can act as excellent stumble-upons. They are so good that even non-drunk males can fall and hurt their noses.
  • Other Funny Reads

    Getting my hair cut under a tree
    Getting locked inside somebody`s washroom
    A south Indian family in North Indian winter
    Entering a new house

    Father vs mother

    In the last few days Rekha and I have been on warpath. Domestic terrorism, if you want to call it so.

    Being the mother that she is, she has been trying to get my daughter to say ‘amma.` In case you didn`t know…‘amma` in Tamil means mother. That wouldn`t be much of an issue if I wasn`t trying to get my daughter to say ‘appa` at the earliest. By the way, ‘appa` means father in Tamil.

    Our daughter has divided the house into two unequal halves. What word would she utter first – amma or appa?

    I checked with some of my friends to see if I stood a chance. Apparently, all kids end up calling for their mothers first. It seems, I was one in a billion…in the sense…nobody in the whole world would have ‘babe` has his/her first word. Apparently, that`s what I called the maid who would bathe me everyday for a paltry fee of Rs 70/- a month in 1975.

    Fathers don`t get a chance to get close to their babies in the first six months. When they aren`t sleeping, they are clinging on to breasts. I am referring to the babies. And by the time they get out of breast feeding…the first word has already been spoken.

    While on the subject, let us also find out why this famed Bollywood dialogue is not be seen in today`s movies: “Kutte…kameene…maa ka doodh piya hai to samne aa…” Because the dialogue writers can`t get beyond lines like: “Kutte…kameene…Nestle ka doodh piya hai to samne aa…” or “Kutte…kameene…Milkmaid ka doodh piya hai to samne aa…”

    Anyway getting back to the bigger issue on hand…the war has gone out of hand.

    According to the latest news I picked up from the security guard in my apartment, my daughter has managed to say “Ammmm….”. The guard says, on sunny days (it is winter here in Gurgaon) my wife brings the daughter to the small park and talks to her.

    I confronted my wife. I asked: “Why didn`t you tell me that she was now saying ‘Ammmm….`.”

    “Why should I tell you?” asked my stoic wife.

    I immediately snatched the baby from Rekha`s hands and started teaching her “Appa”. We were progressing well for sometime – she was saying ‘Ap…..`…but after a while she lost focus and started repeating a word which if spelt will look like this: “eeeeeeeeeeeee”. I know it doesn`t make sense …but as long as it doesn`t mean ‘mother` I am fine.

    The fight is still on…

    Note: I need the support of all the fathers out there. Come on…give me tips to win this war of the sexes!

    ibibo starts advertising on Television

    ibibo has started advertising on television! Yes…the rumors you had come across were true. The first commercial hit the television sets on Monday (December 17)…and the response so far has been good.

    The team behind ibibo’s first commercial is the one that came up with the famous (and funny) Naukri commercial. Remember the ‘H-A-R-I S-A-D-U commercial?

    Just in case, you haven’t yet spotted the ibibo commercial on TV…

    Having problems viewing the commercial on this page? Why don’t you click here: http://www.ibibo.com/commercial/

    Photographers – the lucky ones

    Some photographers have a good time at work. Ask Shashwat Nagpal, a photographer first and then a colleague of mine (View his awesome pics here).

    Not just Shashwat, other photographers also have a great time. The other day I was waiting for my passport photograph to be taken at a studio, and I heard a boy and a girl speak inside the darkroom. This is how the conversation went:

    “We start out negative,” the boy said.

    “That’s exactly what I do… at first it is always negative,” the girl responded. I got curious and inched closer to the door so that I could hear them nice and clear.

    “Shall I enlarge now?” It was the boy. My heart skipped a beat. Being a gentleman, I couldn’t keep my ears to the door any longer and went back to the mirror and started putting on the make up.

    After ten minutes and boy (who eventually turned out to be the guy who took my snap) and girl emerged out of the dark room. They were sweating. To ease into the scenario, I said: “You are sweating.”

    The boy just smiled, and said: “Yes, darkrooms are not supposed to have fans.”

    I couldn’t get a good glimpse of the girl…but I am sure she was smiling too.

    Maybe my deep respect for photographers came from the fact that for long I thought God was a photographer. Whenever there was lightening, I would rush to the balcony, look towards the sky and smile.

    While I have immense respect for photographers, I also have empathy for them. They work day and night, and yet are never left with any photographs of themselves. They shoot at weddings…yet not many girls are ready to marry them. Don’t believe me…take stock of the married photographers you know.

    There was a time in my life – when I was young – when I wanted to become a photographer. I even got a chance to make it to the National Geographic magazine…but the ghost that I was supposed to take a picture of and send…backed off at the last minute because my flash wasn`t working. One could say that the spirit was willing but the flash was weak!

    Even after reading all this, if you think photographers don`t have fun at work…take a look at pictures of Umed Singh Bisht (my ibibo Sawaal team mate ) presented below. And if you think the photographer didn`t have fun clicking these pictures…you must be over-exposed:

    The pictures shown above are also an attempt at showcasing Umed`s talent at displaying true-blue expressions. He is open to movies and advertisements, so if you have an offer… please get in touch with him at: umed.bisht@gmail.com.

    Umed, if you are reading this remember that I deserve a 10% Agent`s commission.