The Asian Age quotes ‘your’ Jammy

Bijoy Bharathan of ‘The Asian Age’ has written a feature on online Status Messages and what they are all about. Some time back he had called me to get my take on Status Messages which we use without a second thought. Here is the portion where my name figures:

Jamshed V. Rajan, the product head of Ibibo.com, an Indian social networking site says, “Customising one`s status message has many implications, including those of dropping hints of things to come. A colleague of mine who had a predicament about quitting his job displayed his status message as ‘to stay or not to stay` on his G-Talk for some time. Only after he left his job, did I figure out what he meant by it.”

Bijoy Bharathan goes on to write: Jamshed, who believes that the anonymity of the Internet is one of its key driving forces, explains the trend, “In most cases in real life, you can gauge people just by talking to them. It is not so on the Net. People take up altogether different identities online and it`s almost like an individual wearing a fake mustache or a wig in real life.”

To read the full story, Click Here – Status messages convey feelings, reflect moods, hidden thoughts

Coincidentally, a bit of Ego Googling a few days back had led me to an article that appeared in The Hindu (in 2006) where my Google earnings were also mentioned. Here, take a sneak-peak.

What if I was born in 2050 A.D.?

I don`t know why, but since yesterday I have been feeling that maybe I should have been born around 2050 A.D. As if having an Army man father and a housewife for a mother wasn`t bad enough….I was born in 1975 – the un-coolest of all years. I say un-coolest because that was also the year the below given happened:

• A state of Emergency was declared in India
• US of A`s first Game Show ‘Wheel of Fortune` premiered on NBC, kicking off a culture we would love to hate
• Sharp teeth became the sign of defiance with the release & subsequent success of Steven Spielberg`s movie ‘Jaws`
• Hillary Rodham made the mistake of marrying Bill Clinton

(During my research, I also found out that actress Preity Zinta is three months elder to me – yes, she was born on Jan 31, 1975)

Let me clarify that I wanted to be born in 2050 A.D. not only because 1975 A.D. was such an un-cool year but also because I am a man for the future.

Imagine, getting up without the hangover (I am hoping by then the scientists would come up a whiskey that doesn’t leave a hangover in the morning!) and walking straight into your environment-friendly washroom.

Even as you sit on the potty, the gobar gas that is being created is converted into energy, thus powering the digital newspaper mounted on the washroom door which you are facing. Since you don`t need to turn the pages of this digital newspaper…digging one`s nose, which is a National pastime in some countries, isn`t an issue.

The environment-friendly potty of yours diverts the flush water (hoping you would flush after you are done) to the coffee maker, which brews up a strong coffee to your liking…so when you leave the washroom you have a mug in your hand. How things change in hundred years – back then, our ancestors would enter the washroom with a mug (of water).

Because of scarcity of water and clean outdoors, bathing will be a thing of the past. Deodorants will come in fragrances of Printer Ink, Letter Head, Fresh Macintosh. Don`t believe me? Try soaking in their smell…it is addictive. And I am sure by 2050 A.D. there will be enough demand.

After a quick deo-spray, I would be ready for office. Since, all the BPO workers would have been raped and murdered no BPOs would exist, and I would probably still be helping build online properties.

Since all my colleagues would have been killed either by AIDS, Bird Flu or the BlueLine busses (and those that were left out in the race to heaven would have died on the way to the hospital cursing themselves for buying Tata Nano) I would be a lonely man. I wouldn`t like to go to office, but when the time came …would attach myself to an e-mail and dispatch myself to my official mail ID only to be downloaded there. I don`t for a second doubt Sabeer Bhatia`s son`s ability to come up with a mail service that will help individuals to attach oneself to a mail ….but I do doubt his ability to transport me with all my clothes on. Note: Keep a pair of clothes in office.

Once in office I will finish my work quickly and start watching Dev Anand`s romantic movies – that`s hoping he doesn`t stop making movies when he is 127 years old (that`s how old he would be in 2050 A.D.).

Once the movie is over, I will switch on my i-Pod Atom (that`s how small the i-Pods will become) and start listening to music. At the rate at which lyrics are getting insignificant, in 2050 A.D. there will be no lyrics in movie songs and thus I will be able to enjoy songs from even Bhojpuri movies.

F*&^ this post is going nowhere – maybe the time I am spending on the treadmill is making me less creative. Note: Need to try this as an excuse tom.

How do I get six packs in three months?

Way back in October 2005, we had bought a treadmill. Don`t believe me? You might want to read the posts titled ‘Getting a treadmill for the house…` dated Oct 3, 2005 and ‘Treadmill and its implications` dated Oct 12, 2005.

It has been more than two years since we broke open our earthen Piggy Bank to pay for the Rs 24,000 automatic treadmill. In the last 30 months I would have used it not more than 100 times – and that`s just a running distance of 100+ kilometers, for I never lasted more than 10 minutes.

Till mid 2006 the treadmill was a major point of our conversation. Guests, relatives and friends asked about. The adventurous, even tried it. By late 2006, the Rs 24,000 treadmill was being used to hang wet towels and stick post-it notes. By mid 2007, it was time to move to Gurgaon and when the Agarwal Movers and Packers asked me where they should keep the treadmill, I asked: “Why don`t you see if there is space in the store room?”

That was the last I remember about the treadmill.

Rekha did mention once that she heard a rat running in the store room. But since I didn`t suspect the rat to be using the treadmill, I dismissed her suggestion.

Eight months and four-inches-around-the-waist later….our treadmill was discussed again. Four girls in my office – Uma, Sunandini, Dia and Sonali – were sharing their dinning table with me and one of them ended up commenting on my well-rounded tummy.

“I bet you are carrying a baby girl in there,” one of them commented, pointing generally in the direction of my tummy.

“Baby girls? You better be careful….I carry whole women inside.” I retorted. But everybody saw through that the aggression was that of a wounded man. A man hardened by years of exercise, but now caught up in the task of community building. Hell has no fury like a woman scorned, they say….but I think that can be said of men too. For that very moment I decided to gain Shah Rukh Khan like six-packs and show these girls what I was made of (flesh, of course!).

When I threw the challenge at the girls, they readily accepted it. Dia even went to the extent of saying that if I managed six packs in three months time – the cut off date being May 18 – she would erect a cut out of mine at her desk.

This happened two days back, and since then the treadmill has been dusted and used at least once (and this time it wasn`t to hang wet towels). While I am working on my six packs….I wonder how my cut out would look on Dia`s desk. Something like the image given above?

Note: If you know of any short cuts to get six packs in three months, please let me know in the comment box.

Other Funny Posts

# Tackling Sympathetic Obesity Syndrome
# Looking for smiling joggers
# I think I am pregnant

Hosting a dinner at home

If you own a four-chair dining table at home, inviting three friends over for dinner isn`t a great idea. We invited three friends and ended up having a buffet – and being used to buffets, after finishing their dinner they placed Rs 300 each on the dining table and left. OK, I am just kidding.

Last weekend we had gone to Bharani`s house for lunch. After working with ibibo for a year, Bharani (along with another ex-ibibo star Sunny) started a neat search engine called Antya. Since, this search engine could turn big and I might need a good job when I am kicked out of ibibo, we invited Bharani and his wife home.

There is no better way to spend one`s time than by investing in Networking & Public Relations. So much so, my wife sends me gifts on Diwali, and New Year to maintain the relations. To start networking log into ibibo now.

Besides Bharani and his wife, we also invited Fayaz, who came home with a bottle of red wine. After seeing the bottle of red wine I told myself: “I got to invite this guy more often.”

As for Bharani and his wife, they brought along loads of fruits and sweets. After close scrutiny Rekha looked at me and nodded her head, which meant: “No, this is not what we gave them last week. They aren`t returning stuff.”

The difficult part of inviting colleagues… is preparing the house for their arrival. After we borrowed good furniture from the neighbor (who had borrowed our fridge when his colleagues came visiting) we started cleaning the washrooms. It was a good thing we did…for we discovered a mirror that was hidden behind all the muck. I also had to clean the toilet bowl – which was a disaster because the moment I had applied Harpic on the inner walls of the toilet bowl I had to pee!

As part of the cleaning process we also had to change the baby`s diaper. For those of you who are curious…well yes, I spotted a Yellow Africa on my baby`s bums when the diapers were removed.

The initial discussion was about office – what else could be common between colleagues. With time we moved on to Television programs, our past, stand-up comedy, search engines, and eventually babies. As soon as the topic veered on babies, Rekha started contributing and we all started listening.

By 8 p.m. only half of the wine bottle was full. After complimenting myself for my positive approach to life (remember, I saw the half empty bottle as half full)…I poured myself another round. Ten minutes later I noticed that the bottle as three-fourths full. Needless to say, I had to compliment myself again and pour myself another round of the red wine.

Click Here to read Ouchmytoe in a Feed ReaderBy nine we started the buffet. Being a health conscious cook, Rekha had ensured that half of her dishes were only half cooked. Being the good Samaritans, everybody said: ‘Great food.” Fayaz went on to add: “Is the less salt in dal, intentional?” Thankfully, Rekha didn`t hear the statement.

After dinner, we sat down and started talking again. I had half a mind to put on the music and ask the guys to dance….but the fact that I only had Jai Santosh Ma bhajans in the iPod made the decision making easy.

At 11 p.m., everybody bade farewell and went their ways. The moment they stepped out, Rekha asked: “So, how do you think we fared?”

“4.5 out of 5, I guess. What do you say?” I have always been lenient towards myself.

“Yeah. Good that we practiced our jokes & responses twice before,” Rekha said with a wink.

“Yeah. And now they will think we are a happy couple,” I said even as I placed the soiled plates in the sink.

“You mean we aren`t?”

Though the silence was deafening, I decided not to respond.

Other Funny Reads

# Television – my new friend, philosopher & guide
# Train-ed Romance: Romancing a married woman
# Inviting friends over in Chennai
# Inside the Jet Airways flight
# Do all married men need mistresses?

Categories
Family

Baby sitting isn’t a nice profession

If you have been planning to quit your high-paying job and take up baby sitting as a profession, I suggest you think again. Baby sitting isn`t that easy.

Most of us have grown up watching beautiful and sexy baby sitters. If you haven`t seen a beautiful baby sitter….you probably have not watched much of Hollywood movies or haven`t rented C-grade porn VCDs from the nearby video store.

During our days of sex-deprivation, we would wait for one of the classmates` parents to go out of town….and then look for a guy who had mustache big & dense enough to pass off as an adult. He would then be tutored and sent to the VCD store to act like a man and rent porn VCD. The poor guy would choose between titles like: “The Apple & the Worm” or “Youthful Fire” or “My Tutor” or “When We Met” (this movie was re-made in Hindi without the porn(y) scenes and named ‘Jab We Met`) or “Soft Touches” or “101 days of Slavery”.

Anyway, I wouldn`t go into the details of how we watched porn in the 90s because today`s kids know it better. What was back then a community exercise, is now a lonely pastime.

As I was saying, baby sitting is a tough profession. I know because I baby sat my 10-month-old daughter for four hours, this Saturday. Eventually, she won.

Rekha went to the beauty parlor for straightening her hair and I was left taking care of Rhea. The first ten minutes were like heaven. I had Rhea to myself and we were great pals. So much so, she even let me share a part of her lunch – four spoons of Cerelac mixed with milk.

Here is a blow-by-blow account of how the four hours went:

Feb 9, 1 p.m.:
Rhea seems to be friendly. Was Rekha lying to me about Rhea being a naughty child? Wonder if Rhea will grow up to be like her father – a very docile person. If only I can get silicon implants, I can ask Rekha to visit her mother`s place for a week and keep the baby with me.

Feb 9, 2.10 p.m.:
Why is Rhea going to the kitchen? Does she want water to drink? Do babies drink water out of the glass or like cats do they prefer drinking from saucers? Why is she hitting on the floor and crying? Follow her around in stealth mode and get to understand her better. After all, fathers and daughters are expected to gel well.

Feb 9, 2.55 p.m.:
Quick…pick her up and stop her from crying. Show her the toy ‘blue bus` that she is so fond of. What the hell…does the fondness of a toy change with time? Will taking her to the balcony help? Can babies be taken out for walks? What if she cried….would the outsiders think I was kidnapping the baby? I am sure she wouldn`t say a word to save me!

Feb 9, 3.35 p.m.:
Will she like Amul Star Voice if India`s Chote Ustad program? After all, it is all kids. Or would she prefer to watch the 18765th re-telecast of Sachin Tendulkar`s century at Lords? Oops! Didn`t know there were other uses of the TV Remote – biting & licking for instance.

Feb 9, 4.00 p.m.:
How do I cook something to eat? While the stomach growls, the mind says that any attempt to keep the baby on the floor will only invite Rapid Action Force (which is now in Mumbai, trying to protect Raj Thackrey). The apron pocket is too big for the ladle and too small for the baby. Wonder at what stage Kangaroos ask their babies to leave their pockets.

Feb 9, 4.40 p.m.:
It turns out my daughter doesn`t love me as much. All she was after was the zip of the black sweater I was wearing – and it is now broken. Besides, from 4.40 p.m. to 5.30 p.m. she kept on saying “Amma” “Amma.” I tried to find out the language, but couldn`t decide whether it was Tamil (The Father`s Tongue) or Malayalam (The Mother`s Tongue).

Feb 9, 5.30 p.m.:
Now have to tonsure my head at Tirupati. I had prayed to Lord Venkateshwara that I would tonsure my head at his door steps if my daughter stopped crying. As luck would have it…she stopped the moment she saw her mother.

Other Funny Reads

# Wife wins again. And again.
# Everybody`s Bin Looking!
# Introducing: Sleeping beauty Rhea Rajan
# Accepting gifts from relatives

Driving on Delhi-Gurgaon roads

I have many colleagues who lead a tough life. I pity the colleagues who come to Gurgaon all the way from Delhi. Some of them bring packed lunch, just in case they get caught in the traffic jam. Moushmi Srivastava brings her sleeping bag too.

Some like Varghese are smart, and call up other colleagues for a lift daily. Dia Nag, who gives him a lift almost every alternate day asked me: “Know what I hate most of giving Varghese a lift?”

“What?” I asked.

“After getting into the car, he asks ‘would you mind if I catch up on some sleep`.”

A friend, who works with the Roadies team of MTV (in Mumbai, of course) recently visited ibibo and we got talking. He was pissed with something and I could sense it in his words.

“Man….you Delhi people are very demanding.”

After reminding him that I was a Dravidian from down south, I asked him why.

He said: “I wouldn`t mind if I saw a ‘Road widening in progress. Inconvenience regretted` board….but it is a big issue for me if the road is already an eight lane stretch.”

I didn`t correct him. He anyway had a tough life – wouldn`t yours be, if the only part of your car that didn`t make noise was the horn?

Anyway, whenever I have reminded him of his rickety car, he turned pale…as if he had seen a ghost. Talking of ghosts….know what is the favorite transport of a Dracula? A Blood Vessel, of course!

In the last eight months that I have been driving in Gurgaon, I have realized that the North Indian drivers should restrict themselves to just video games – there is less of blood shed.

In the initial months, whenever a Haryana registered car would cut me harsh I would show its driver my middle finger. It didn`t seem to affect them….and I didn`t know why till one of them pulled up his car in front of mine, applied the handbrakes, got out and walked up to my window.

“Why did you point one finger at me?” The tall, well-built North Indian asked.

“I am sorry….I showed you the middle finger.” I was scared. This guy could have hurled me till the nearest shopping mall.

“Why did you show me that you were first, even though I had overtaken you?” He angrily asked and walked away nodding his head. Apparently, he had won the race.

Other North Indian posts

# My adventures – Chennai to Gurgaon
# One week in North India – some observations
# Looking for a house in Gurgaon
# Saving your skin in North India
# Entering a new house in Gurgaon

Age old wisdom on marriage

A good friend of mine shared these words of wisdom on what marriage is (and can be – that is, if you are newly married). Thought I should share it with you all.

Quote 1: After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.

Quote 2: “I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.”

Quote 3: I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Quote 4: The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

JokesRFunny.blogspot.com is stealing my content

Somebody at http://jokesrfunny.blogspot.com has been copying my content and uploading it as-is on their site (as if it were their own). While it feels good that somebody wants YOUR article on THEIR blog….I still don`t appreciate it.

This post is actually a request to the blog owners of http://jokesrfunny.blogspot.com to STOP taking content from Ouchmytoe.com because it is my own. If they don`t remove the content that already exists on their blog…I might be forced to approach the class monitor called Mr Google, who happens to own Blogspot.

Cheers…from a guy who hates to be on the wrong side.