The blog post is being written after attaining permission from Priyanka Khattri, a 22 year girl from Pune (now working in Delhi), whom I met up on my birthday. After I had initiated a search for ‘the birthday partner,` Priyanka had responded via mail. Don`t go googling for Priyanka Khattri because, the first name has been changed on request.
She being the only person who was in Delhi and was also willing to meet up, we agreed to meet at DT Mall in Gurgaon. The meet up time was to be 12.30 p.m. and we were to go for lunch.
I gave my car cleaner Rs 50 and told him that I had an important meeting and wanted the car shining from both inside and outside. While my car was being washed, I also took bath (I generally do), put on my costliest T-shirt & got into my only blue jeans.
Twenty sixth of April is my birthday and I will be alone in Gurgaon. My wife and daughter are in Kerala celebrating Vishu (the New Year in Kerala) and my only girl friend will be out of town. Since I didn`t want to spend my birthday alone & drinking, I asked my good friend Rahul Razdan: “Rahul, would it be a good idea to sell six hours of my time on my birth day on eBay?”
“What would you do and who would bid for your offer?” He was straight to the point.
“I am supposed to be a humor blogger. There has to be somebody who will be willing to pay at least 1 dollar to spend six hours with me,” I insisted.
“What if nobody wanted to spend time with you on your birthday? Wouldn`t you be depressed further?”
“I would create another eBay ID and bid for my own time. Then, me and my split-personality will dine together,” I said with a chuckle. But deep down, I was a little happy I didn`t post it on eBay.
Why leave familiar territory? So, here is an offer:
If you stay somewhere close by, and don`t mind spending time with a guy who can at least try to make you laugh…why don`t we meet up on 26th April, 2009? I promise to learn some new jokes & practice hard.
Since it is my birthday it is only natural that I bear all expenses as part of the treat. If you are interested, please mail me at jv.rajan@gmail.com with/without your contact number so that I can get in touch with you. You can also leave a comment with your email ID (and nobody besides me can see your mail ID). Alternatively, you can call me on 09971996581.
Disclaimer: If you aren`t in Gurgaon/Delhi and would like to fly in from some other city/country…let me tell you that that I can`t afford your air tickets. Would loveeeee the gesture, though.
**Obviously, gender is no bar
**I will let you know by Saturday morning (25th April) if we are going to have lunch together. The idea is to give you enough time.
**We will meet for lunch, perhaps. And extend it to dinner – you being the guest, you will get to decide if you want the dinner with me or not
**I stay in Gurgaon, so any place in Delhi, Gurgaon or Noida is fine with me (I am the typical male that doesn’t ask for directions!)
**We can also squeeze in a drive to some place or a movie together (up to you)
**I drink. But only if you decide to stay back for dinner. I never drink when there is light (what of somebody sees me?!)
Before you even think of having a sumptuous dinner of rice, curd & pickle dinner…you have to make sure that your wife isn`t in town. If she is around, and you tell her that you want a rice, curd & pickle dinner…she is bound to scold you and say, “Don`t you want me to cook?” which in lady-term means “Don`t you like my cooking?”
The way to a man's heart (and his wallet) is thro' his stomach. Or somewhere nearby.Since there is no right answer to the above question, you are bound to get cornered.
I packed off my wife to Kerala for a month. Don`t ask me how I managed it…it involved months of scheming, & planning. During the one month I was scheming, I gained her confidence by ensuring none of the below mentioned happened:
– I didn`t come home smelling of a lady`s perfume
– I didn`t come home with long strands of hair on my white shirt (I avoided the same on my car seats as well)
– I didn`t take bath immediately after coming home
– I didn`t come back from office & say: “Gosh! It was tiring!”
With your wife out of the way, the coast is generally clear. If you bring in your girl friend after your wife leaves…the scene gets a bit murkier…because, being your girl friend, she won`t cook and you guys will end up ordering Pizzas (Trips to the restaurants are ruled out because in such circumstances you try and avoid the neighbors eyes!).
If like me, you also don`t have a girlfriend who lives in your city…the stage is pretty much set. Now, all you need is some rice, some curd and some pickle.
If you are a man, let me tell you that rice being a staple diet, it is available in most general stores. Perhaps, your wife has already left some rice at home…so you might want to ransack the kitchen before trying out the general store.
Once the rice has been bought (or found), start looking for a Rice Cooker. It is an interesting apparatus. In a way, it is like the road side Romeo that we men have been in some time of our lives – it is round, fat and has a long handle. Just that, it whistles at the ladies & gets away while we couldn`t. Get away, that is.
To cut the long story short, look inside your kitchen for a round, fat apparatus with a long handle. It also has a lid and a whistle.
Now, that the rice cooker has been found lets wash the rice. Remember seeing brown rice on your plate and puking on the hostel`s dining table? That`s because Sonu, the caterer, didn`t believe in washing the rice before cooking it. If you wash it properly, rice will be tasty to eat…and white in color (something most South Indians like me what to be!). While it seems like a great idea to wash rice with soap or detergent, it actually isn`t. Like most South Indians, don`t try the Fair & Lovely cream either.
Once, the rice is washed in plain water, place it inside the cooker and add three times the water. That`s if you have taken 1 cup of rice, add three cups of water. The measurement can be tricky…so use a charcoal to mark on the kitchen wall the number of cups of water you have already poured into the rice cooker.
With the rice & water inside the rice cooker, you can now close it and place it on the gas stove. Remember, to light the gas stove. Lighting of the gas stove works exactly the way we light light our cigarettes. Find a box of matches from the trouser you were wearing during the day, strike a match and place the lit match on the burner. Remember, to turn the stove`s knob.
After 2 minutes, the rice cooker will whistle. Remember, this cooker is used to ladies rushing towards it the moment it whistles…so you should do the same…else it will spoil your rice. Rush to it, and turn your gas stove`s knob to the left to let it simmer. After two more whistle, remove the rice cooker from the stove. Remember to switch off the gas stove (you can light a cigarette before you do so – in celebration of having successfully cooked rice).
Men Alert: When the rice cooker whistles take it easy… don`t stick your tongue out at it…I did…and my tongue stuck to the hot metal.
Now, you need to find curd. Technically, curd is milk that`s been intentionally spoilt. Just that we love the way it gets spoilt. It is great if you have a cow in your house…but if you don`t, any general store can help you with a pack of Nestle Curd or Amul curd. If you live in a small town, that doesn`t believe in branded curd…you will surely get curd packed by the shop keeper in 100 grams packs.
Some women apply curd on their face & hair…so don`t worry about the looks the shop keeper gives you.
Now, try and spot pickle in your house. Pickles are generally fruits or vegetables (sometimes even fish & meat!) that get fermented/marinated in water/oil/Vinegar with salt and thus end up with a very distinct taste – one reason why they goes well with the bland curd & rice. Pickles are generally bottled and you will find yours hidden behind other bottles which are used more often. Trust your wife to hide them from you.
Dear men, at this juncture it is important to tell you that a bottle with ‘Kissan` written on it is a Jam or Marmalade. It is the sweet thing that your wife or mother spreads on your toast every day in the morning.
Now that you have all the three items for your one-course meal…put all your rice on a plate. Pour the whole pack of curd on the rice. Place a spoon full of pickle on one side of the plate.
The trickiest part last – how do you mix the curd & rice? Here is my advice: Wash your hands & roll up your sleeves…like a true South Indian. Pour half a cup of water and sprinkle a pinch of salt onto the rice & curd and start mixing with your fingers. It feels messy initially…but slowly you will start loving the texture, and believe me it acts like an appetizer. Once mixed into a paste…put up a ‘Do Not Disturb` board on the door (if your girl friend is in the house, you probably already have this board outside), sit in front of your Television & start eating. Trust me, you will relish it.
Warning: If your house has Close Circuit TV and every action of yours is recorded, I suggest you switch them off till you finish your dinner. You don`t want somebody to blackmail you into sex & money because they laid their hands on a video of yours that shows you eating curd rice with your hands.
While unpacking, I switched on the TV and the first thing I noticed was four channels dedicated to adult movies. I was asked to enter my room number via my remote if I wanted to view the movies…and in return, they would add 140 Rands to my hotel bill for a 3 hour movie. Mental calculation & sheer logic told me that Rs 700 for a 3 hour adult movie wasn`t so great…especially if one had access to internet.
After putting on our best clothes (Thank God, I didn`t take my suit!), we went to the V&A WaterFront mall. Just in case you didn`t know…it has 80 places to eat (that`s the number of restaurants we have in the town I come from – Madurai!) and around 400 shops to spend your Rands.
You should plan a family trip to Cape Town, as long as the family doesn`t include your girlfriend or wife. I was happy my wife Rekha wasn`t beside me while I ogled at the gorgeous girls who came shopping. Every pretty girl in Cape Town had a boy friend, so it was easy to ogle at them. In India, every pretty girl has two boy friends, and two desperate wannabe boy friends trailing, which makes ogling difficult.
Robert Browning in his poem ‘The Pied Piper of Hamelin` had described the rats that came out once the Pied Piper starting playing his pipe. (For full version of Robert Browning`s ‘The Pied Piper of Hamelin` Click Here.
When I was at the WaterFront mall in Cape Town, I was reminded of this paragraph from the poem:
And out of the houses the rats came tumbling. Great rats, small rats, lean rats, brawny rats, Brown rats, black rats, grey rats, tawny rats, Grave old plodders, gay young friskers, Fathers, mothers, uncles, cousins, Cocking tails and pricking whiskers, Families by tens and dozens, Brothers, sisters, husbands, wives — Followed the Piper for their lives.
How much I wished, the gorgeous girls – of all types & kinds – followed me for their lives!
We had our dinner at WaterFront, overlooking many parking slots – just that in these parking slots, the rich people parked their Yachts. Trust me when I say liquor & food is cheap in Cape Town. In India, you pay Rs 200 for a beer, and Rs 3000 for the chairs & tables you destroy after you get drunk. In Cape Town, the meat-built bodies of others in the pub is so huge and well-toned, that you never get a high…leave alone destroying chairs & tables.
I came back to the hotel, a dejected lot. Dejection is a dangerous thing…sometimes, it can make you spend 140 Rands for nothing. Thankfully, I held back my horses & didn`t enter my room number via the remote.
The next day morning, we went to Camps Bay, a beach here in Cape Town. Pity, we went a little early. Since I have lived seven years in Chennai, which hosts Asia`s biggest beach (Not sure if L&T has constructed a bigger one in some other Asian city), I thought I will be disappointed. But I was wrong. When thirsty, I walked into a departmental store…I think called ‘Pick Up` (to a casual Indian, this would have sounded like a Night Club) and realized that they have two kinds of water – Still Water & Sparkling Water.
“Shucks, back in India we only have one type….plain water.” I told the lady at the counter..
“Ohh you Indian? We have lots of them in Durban.”
My grandma, who is my travel guru for she traveled in bullock carts from village to village when she was young (mostly chasing handsome young men!), had advised me to learn as much as possible when in a foreign land. So, I insisted.
I repeated my question: “Coming back to my watery question. What is Still Water, and what is Sparkling Water?”
After a lot of discussion, I came to know that Still Water was plain water and Sparkling Water is what we Indians call carbonated water (or soda).
We were back in our rooms by noon, for at 3 p.m. we were to assemble in the lobby for an introductory party at Oudekraal, Cape Town. The place was breathtaking – 99% for the ambience and 1% because of all the smoking all of us indulged in.
After getting to know each other (which was easy after a few drinks) I was literally put in the bus back to the hotel. The next day I was told that I created quite a commotion, NOT wanting to go back to the hotel…and when I couldn`t achieve that….I insisted on sitting next a particular ‘firang` girl, who had no idea about me.
I tried to get familiar. “Have you read ouchmytoe.com?”
“Nopes!”
“Have you heard of it, at least?”
“Nopes!”
“Are you saying that I am not popular in South Africa?”
“Who are you anyway?”
Suddenly, I felt giddy & wanted to puke. Before I could find out if it was the alcohol or the girl`s replies, we reached the hotel.
Note: Professors Bharat Anand and Felix Oberholzer-Gee kept me busy on the other 4 days, and like all good things in life…the trip came to an end pretty soon.
As always, everything written below this line is exaggerated to make you laugh. If you aren`t able to laugh after reading this…try a smile instead. If you find smiling difficult, try out Invisalign Orthodontics.
If you haven`t yet read my post about me making a trip to South Africa, I suggest you read it here, before proceeding any further.
On March 23, at 9.30 p.m. (IST) I was to take an Emirates flight to Dubai. The well heeled and well traveled advised me to reach the airport by 6.30 p.m.. I checked in to my cab at 4 p.m. and reached the airport at 5 p.m. itself.
The guard at the airport refused to allow me in.
“Sir, you are way too early. I presume it is your first international travel.”
“Well, in a way yes. The last time I traveled was in 1997. But why wouldn`t you allow me inside?” I accepted & inquired.
“Sir, many like you enter the airport early and leer at the airhostess. Standing outside the airport I don`t get to leer at them…if I don`t get to…why should I allow you?”
The guard had a point. I didn`t pursue and instead stood outside the airport with my laptop and baggage. I did cheat though – I stole at least three glances at the thin-legged air hostesses while they were entering the airport.
Being non-professional flirts, my colleagues asked for adjacent seats but I advised them to go for a seating arrangement like this:
Thankfully, my colleagues agreed to take the risk considering the huge benefits. The lady at the check in counter did give us a sheepish look while handing over our boarding passes, but we didn`t mind as long as we got to sit with pretty girls during the four hour long journey to Dubai.
While we were getting thro` the security, we spent time listing out the questions one shouldn`t ask the pretty girls who might end up sitting next to us. Here is list of questions:
• Do they serve liquor as often as you ask? • Do you think two people can fit into this airplane`s washroom? • Can I remove the arm rest between our two seats? • Would you want to get under a single seat belt? • What trade are you planning to get into once in Dubai?
Pretty soon, we were in our seats waiting for the pretty girls to come and sit next to us…basically, occupy the ‘girl traps` we had set for them.
As luck would have it, here is who came and sat next to us:
Me: A 60 year old grand mom, who was visiting Dubai to see her fourth grandson Vikas Sobti: A 40 year old Army Officer Surendra Sahu: A 35 year old lady who had applied to be a housemaid with a family in Dubai and had got selected Gagan Bhatia: A 50 year old Iraqi businessman who bathed the person conversing with him with his spit Vijay Aggarwal: Empty Seat
If we were to find solace in beautiful air hostesses serving us liquor & food, we were hugely disappointed.
Around 12 midnight on 23rd March, 2009 we landed in Dubai. Beautiful airport. If only it started looking more like an airport and less like a shopping mall, it would be even better.
Our flight to Cape Town was scheduled eight hours later. After spending time in the shopping area where for every Riyal Dirham spent on things for my wife, I ended up spending two Riyals Dirhams for my girlfriends…we retired to the one of the 25 restaurants & bars that one would find at Dubai International. Yes! There are 25 of them.
In just one hour, we moved from ‘we will remain awake & take in every inch of the Dubai airport` to ‘give me a place on the wooden bench so I can sleep`.
Thankfully, we didn`t lay ‘Girl Traps` for our nine hour journey from Dubai to Cape Town and enjoyed each other`s company (that`s when we weren`t glued to the in-flight entertainment system or flirting with the air hostesses with statements like: “Can I have one more beer pls?,” “I will need one more pillow pls.”).
We reached Cape Town in one piece and considering the amount of free liquor we had consumed…I was glad we didn`t have a hangover. A pretty Indian-like girl welcomed us at the airport and we were driven to Le Vendome, a five star hotel at Sea Point, Cape Town. Trust me, when it comes to five star hotels…India is the best.
My room number was 508. Don`t believe me? Just remove the mattress from the bed in Room number 508 of Le Vendome, and you will notice a huge ‘Jammy was here` carved out from a knife. If they have changed the bed since I left, you can always try spotting ‘Jammy was here` behind all the doors, on the window sills, and inside the bath tub.
Part Two of this series will be up by 8th or 9th of April
If you stay somewhere close by, and don`t mind spending time with a guy who can at least try to make you laugh…why don`t we meet up on 26th April, 2009? I promise to learn some new jokes & practice hard.
Now, that the rice cooker has been found lets wash the rice. Remember seeing brown rice on your plate and puking on the hostel`s dining table? That`s because Sonu, the caterer, didn`t believe in washing the rice before cooking it. If you wash it properly, rice will be tasty to eat…and white in color (something most South Indians like me what to be!). While it seems like a great idea to wash rice with soap or detergent, it actually isn`t. Like most South Indians, don`t try the Fair & Lovely cream either. 
Now that you have all the three items for your one-course meal…put all your rice on a plate. Pour the whole pack of curd on the rice. Place a spoon full of pickle on one side of the plate. 
