I have been reading Scott Adams` Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey Brain! for a while now. It`s a deviation from what he does best, and maybe that`s why this collection of short articles from Scott Adams were a let down for me. Anyway, one article titled ‘Planning my funeral` caught my attention. I thought I should give it a shot as well…..just that instead of ‘planning` my funeral, I am ‘thinking` of it.
Why am I dying?
I have no reason to believe that I will die. In about 20 years, when I am closer to dying (I will be 55, then), I expect the Stem Cell Technology to have improved, with scope to extend the lifetime of an adult human being to 200+ years. That`s why we have lots of potted plants in our house – we don`t want to be running short on ‘Stems` when the need arises.
But then I think, Stem Cell technology or no Stem Cell Technology….why wouldn`t I die? I mean, they say God is dead. If God can be dead….why can`t Jammy be dead? But then again, when I think that Elvis isn`t dead….I wonder, why would Jammy be dead?
“Making the Common Extraordinary” is Wilbur Sargunaraj`s motto. And why not? After all, he is also from the same city as I am – Madurai, in Tamil Nadu.
I love music, esp if its traditional
Wilbur Sargunaraj is India`s first Youtube superstar – his video Love Marriage has already got close to 3 lakh views. This video has been shot in Madurai, among the farming women.
Dance King, Performer, Drummer and Tamilian, Wilbur Sargunaraj is one of the most original musicians to grace the industry. His super hit song “Blog Song” is just one of the killer dance tunes that is having people across the globe begging for more music. Wilbur has created his own fresh and original style called Vocal Chanting which combines elements of his native India with super killer techno dance beats and bass that is super deep. If you like something fresh in the music industry- this is it!! Guaranteed!
Check out some of Wilbur Sargunaraj`s unintentionally funny (or they intentionally funny?) videos – laughter guaranteed.
A friend once told me that buying a house was like having sex. There is a lot of planning, too many people are involved, you feel tired after wards and almost always there is none of the appreciation that you expected.
House houses your interests, yet they charge interest on house loan. PJ.
Around May 2009, Rekha had started cozy-ing up to me. When your wife starts cozy-ing up to you four years after marriage, and you already have a car…there can only be two things: She either wants a child or wants you to buy a house. Since we already had a child, in our case the innocent me suspected a second child.
After one month of planning and winning my confidence, Rekha opened up: “Rajan, it has been five years since we got married.”
“Yeah. So?”
“Shouldn`t we plan for our future?” She insisted. She was on my chest by now.
“Haven`t we already planned? Did you know that it is criminal to have the number of LIC policies that we have? We can`t get any more LICs!”
“No…different kind of planning.”
“Ohh, you mean a second child? Shouldn`t we look to adopt?”
“No….no….sweetheart. It is always so difficult to make you understand.” Rekha is a smooth operator. She knows when to call me a sweetheart and when to call me the duffer that doesn`t understand things easily.
“Radhika, that Cognizant colleague of mine from Chennai….remember her?”
“Yeah, that pretty Iyer girl…?”
“Yes. And remember Deepa? That Malayali Cognizant colleague of mine….?”
“Ohh yeah…that really pretty one? How can I forget the fight we had after we came back from there house….you know…I will still say that I wasn`t staring at her.”
“Forget that staring bit. I know you weren`t. So, both of them have bought houses…and will be shifting in early 2010.”
“Wow…good for them.” I tried to distance myself from the topic.
“Shouldn`t we also buy a house?” Rekha can be persistent.
Over the next twenty minutes, when I was my most vulnerable, Rekha made me promise that we will buy a house.
Since then, a lot has happened. But before that let me tell you that wives of the past weren`t as competitive. My mother for instance, didn`t bother my father about buying a house. When my father retired after 32 years in the Indian Army, it was he who first called the whole family in a room and said: “Guys, I have decided to build a house in Madurai. What do you all think?”
We as children had only one question: “Will be allowed to make STD calls to our friends in Kolkata?”
My mother didn`t even have a question. She just said: “It is your hard earned money, and I know you will be careful with it.”
Back then, my father had got three Lakhs (or so) on retirement. He applied for a two lakh loan which was instantly granted and built a house for five lakhs. The year was: 1993.
Apparently, houses now don`t come for five lakhs. Here is a conversation that I had with my real estate agent, who helped me zero in on a property.
“Listen Ramesh, my budget is five lakhs – I am looking at something within the city of Chennai, closer to the malls, and a good school.”
“Sir, for rent I presume?”
“What do you mean…for rent? I want to buy!”
“Sir, now-a-days you can`t even buy a good car for five lakhs.”
“What do you mean? It can`t be that costly – my father built a house himself for just 5 lakhs!”
“Sir, you will have to multiply your budget by ten times….and then you will get a house of your liking around 20 kilometers from the city center.”
Anyway, to cut the long story short we decided on a house in a new property coming on Old Mahabalipuram Road in Chennai called Bollineni Hillside – around 35+ kilometers from the city center. (It is a pretty nice property. Download layout here)
Like I said earlier, buying a house is like having sex…there are way too many people involved…the builder, the banker, the real estate agent…and I am not talking about sex here.
Before the bank gives you a home loan, you have to give 15% of the house value yourself…to show everybody involved your intent to own the house. We didn`t have that money.
“Rekha, can we ask your father for 9 lakhs?”
“No way!”
“Rekha sweetheart, shall we ask your sister…they are rich…aren`t they?”
“No way!”
“If you are going to block all my ideas, how are we going to gather the 15% to buy the house?” I was getting furious.
“Dear sweetheart you should have thought of this requirement before promising me that you will buy a house.” Suddenly Rekha had started acting up.
At that point, I took an oath…that next time Rekha cozies up to me I will maintain my composure and won`t get carried away. The oath got broken in the next 15 days itself, but that`s irrelevant here.
One month later, we did manage to collect nine lakhs in cash from various sources – I am not including the money from the Kidney Donation Center because I had developed cold feet at the last minute. I have to mention here an initiative that ten of my best boy friends had worked out. The plan was to raise money by donating sperm at the Apollo Hospital`s excellent facilities on Greams Road, Chennai. For some reason, they dropped the plan when they came to know that @ Rs 250/visit they will have to make 3600 visits to the Sperm Bank to make Rs 9 lakhs.
Anyway, we decided on a bank and visited the Bank Manager.
“Sir, we are interested in buying a house. We need a home loan from your bank.”
“Do you know the interest rate?” The Bank Manager asked us.
“Sir, our interest rate is 100%….we completely want to buy this house.” Rekha responded.
The Bank Manager immediately knew that he could quote any interest rate to us and we would readily agree.
He handed me a lot of forms to fill, which I did….but not before telling him that I hadn`t come to the bank for a PHD, but for applying for a home loan. He hadn`t even smiled at my joke.
It took us three months to complete those forms – address proofs, income proofs, identity proofs….Rekha`s father didn`t ask me so many questions before giving away his daughter in marriage as the Bank Manager did before accepting the forms. He made me wonder about Rekha`s worth.
As of today, we have submitted the forms….but there is one huge hurdle. Apparently, there is a so called CIBIL rating, which almost always decides if a person should be given a loan or not. And as somebody who has negotiated & settled two credit cards – Standard Charted & ICICI – in his bachelor days, I could be in for trouble.
The irony is that, all the expenses on these two credit cards were part of my ‘Make Rekha Love Me` strategy. Life is one full circle, isn`t it?
I was watching ibibo.com`s (thats where I work) latest advertisement and wondering why do people wear two underwears when in the washroom. Fashion, perhaps? Don`t trust me? Watch the video I have embedded below.
Fashion is like a boomerang. It comes back!
Let me assure you that I am NOT a fashionable person. Neither is my family. So take everything you read in this blog post with a pinch of salt – and don`t attempt any of it at home. There is an old saying popular only amongst Rajans: “If you ask a Kangaroo to take up tailoring, he would obviously stitch a shirt with huge pockets”…so as I was saying, don`t trust me.
Since the trigger for this article was the fact that the guy in ibibo.com`s advertisement wears two underwear, lets start with inner garments first.
In August last year I had proudly proclaimed on this blog that my three year old daughter was going out with another very young man – a three year old called Yashas (read about it here).
A week back I came to know that they are no longer an item, and my daughter has moved on in life. I assume, and I am only assuming here….that if my daughter could speak properly she would have told me about this decision of hers…but she still stammers. Just in case you are wondering, she can`t get her Ks and Rs properly – for instance, she pronounces OKAY as OTAY and RHEA as EEAH.
Boyfriends are a great asset
The bottomline: Our daughter didn`t tell us about her relationship with Yashas hitting rock bottom, and like inexperienced parents, we blamed her irritability on her common cold and kept on giving her the cough syrup.
We wouldn`t have known about the new boyfriend in our girl`s life if Suresh and Soujalya, the new boyfriend`s parents, hadn`t called us up. The new very young man in my daughter`s life is called Shashank (Shashank, not Shawshank as in that Morgan Freeman movie ‘The Shawshank Redemption`).
Here is how the conversation between the two parents went:
Suresh & Soujalya: Hi, we are Suresh & Soujalya…your daughter studies with our son Shashank at Modern Montessori School.
Jammy & Rekha: Hi! I hope our daughter didn`t beat up your son?!
Suresh & Soujalya: (Laughter) No no…not yet. We thought we will just call you guys up and get to know you better.
Jammy & Rekha: OOOOOKKKKKK….and?
Suresh & Soujalya: And maybe meet up somewhere neutral.
Jammy & Rekha: Neutral? OOOOOKKKKKK….and?
Suresh & Soujalya: And may be discuss the future?
Jammy & Rekha: Future? OOOOOKKKKKK….and why discuss their future?
Suresh & Soujalya: (Hush-hush talk) Ohh, so you don`t know?
Jammy & Rekha: Know what? (I think at this point, I exchanged glances with Rekha and noticed that she had very recently washed her face)
Suresh & Soujalya: OK…let us break it for you. You daughter and our son are in love.
Jammy & Rekha: No way! Our daughter is in love with Yashas. He is tall, his water-bottle & school bag match and his parents are rich…what else does one need?
Suresh & Soujalya: Ohh…we are sorry but our son is your daughter`s current love interest. Do you even know that in school, they have been nicknamed Shiv-Paarvathy?
Jammy & Rekha: Nope we didn`t know that. But we definitely know that Yashas and Rhea were named Krishna-Radha by the teachers in August last year.
Suresh & Soujalya: How times change and girls grow up. Anyway, we called to see if we could meet at a neutral place and get to know each other better?
Jammy & Rekha: Now it makes sense. Sure, we would like to see how daughter`s new boyfriend.
Suresh & Soujalya: Metropolitan Mall then? Tomorrow 11 a.m.? We could let them play in the play area for kids and watch. What say?
Jammy & Rekha: Done deal.
———-X———X———-
This was our first discussion with our daughter`s new future-in-laws. They seemed to be nice folks. They are from Hyderabad but been in Gurgaon for more than five years now. Though we would have preferred if our daughter married into a Tamil or Malayalam family…but Telugu family was also fine as long as it was a good family (and rich!).
After this discussion, a few of the things that our daughter had been telling us for the last one week started making sense.
While watching me indulge in stretching exercises one morning, she had said: “Shashank has long legs.” I hadn`t suspected anything.
During sleep she had mumbled Shashank`s name a few times…but we had thought he was just another classmate. When she said that she liked the ‘Aloo Sabzi` Shashank brought for lunch….we didn`t suspect anything. Now, everything was falling in place. She had fallen in love all over again.
———-X———X———-
Sharp at 11.00 a.m. on Feb 28 we were in the Metropolitan Mall in Gurgaon. Just as we getting the security check done we got an SMS from our future in-laws: “Got held up. An MLA and his 12 friends came in suddenly & we had to entertain with best in class. Will be there by 12 noon.”
When you are sizing up a future in-law, always remember that the future in-law is also trying to size you up.
I went thro` the SMS once again and found it had four hidden messages for the Rajans:
#1 We have lots of friends (including an MLA)….so don`t mess with us
#2 Our Social Life extends beyond social networking sites, so we are definitely upper class
#3 We entertain with the best in class
#4 We are punctual. If for some reason can`t make it….we drop in an SMS
We Rajans are born with a sharp mind (not to mention our sharp-featured body) so I immediately knew it was a deep-rooted ploy. Little did the Suresh & Soujalya family know that we Rajans are Royal Marines by heart and soul.
Rekha, the poor, innocent, farm girl that she is said: “Shouldn`t we ask them to take their time? We are anyway inside a mall with so many other things to do?”
Sometimes, my heart goes out to my wife. So innocent…so harmless…that if she ever sat next to an ant hill….two ants could kidnap her and call me up for ransom.
I pulled Rekha and Rhea aside, behind a pillar and whispered, “Listen girls…we are being watched. This is the oldest trick in the book for Mossad, the top intelligence agency in the World. So act normal, and act big….we are being watched.”
“What are you talking about?” Rekha asked looked around.
I pushed her back to the pillar and whispered again: “Just at the pre-determined time, Mossad would send an apology citing inability to come….but they would already be at the venue…watching the prey…studying the victim`s every move.”
“So are Suresh and Sojalya watching us now?” For some reason Rekha looked irritated.
“Yes my innocent little sweetheart. Don`t you realize? They are now watching us to see if we are rich, powerful, social, blah blah.”
As luck would have it, just then Rekha received another SMS from them. It said: “Please wait at the Play Area in the ground floor. We are trying to reach there as early as possible. Our apologies.”
The moment I read the SMS, I knew it was typical Mossad strategy – ask the victim to wait in a pre-designated area so that he can be under the watchful eyes at all times. Microphones, cameras pointed at us….the possibilities were huge.
I asked Rekha to be quite for the next one hour and talk only to Rhea. Once Rekha was convinced that this was the right strategy to follow for the next one hour…we decided to go near the play area in the ground floor and wait for Suresh and Soujalya (Wink! I already knew they were inside the mall).
Once we got a seat near the play area, I did four things that ensured we weren`t less than them as a family.
#1 I switched off my mobile and pretended to call 5-6 friends….just so The Watchers knew that we had lots of friends. I even mentioned the word ‘MP` many times….to give the feeling that we knew at least one Member of Parliament
#2 During the talk with these 5-6 friends, I dropped names of some of the night clubs in Gurgaon. I even made up a few names…its easy….all you need to do look at single words that aren`t used much by cultured people. Words like – Buzz, Mojo, Barrique, Odyssey etc.
#3 During my talk with these 5-6 imaginary friends, I invited them all to our house for a grand costume party. The theme was to be ‘Oscars` – one can`t really separate ‘Oscars` and ‘Class` they go hand-in-hand, don`t they?
#4 To show The Watchers that we were as punctual as them, if not more, I called them up on their mobile the moment it was 12 noon.
“This is Rajan…you guys reached the mall yet?”
“Just parking the car…give us ten minutes…we will be with you,” Suresh replied.
I said “Yeah Right!” and kept the phone down.
Anyway, we did meet at 12.10 p.m. and got the two kids to play in the play area for an hour or so. While they played, the families got to know each other better.
At 1.30 p.m., Suresh made the classic mistake. He said: “That MP guy is still at home with my friends…we need to rush back.”
Now I had the proof…so Suresh had been listening to us all the time. And just because I seemed to know an MP, he had also increased his imaginary network to include an MP. But being a Rajan, I wasn`t going to give up that easily. I asked him: “Sure. But the SMS said he was an MLA.?”
It took Suresh three seconds to react and then he said, “Ohh yeah….he is an MLA alright but he is from MP….Madhya Pradesh you see?”
Good, smart adversary, I thought. We Rajans always love a challenge and it would be good to walk into the sunset fighting the Sureshs. We have confirmed my daughter`s future in-laws: Suresh & Soujalya.
One month later, we did manage to collect nine lakhs in cash from various sources – I am not including the money from the Kidney Donation Center because I had developed cold feet at the last minute. I have to mention here an initiative that ten of my best boy friends had worked out. The plan was to raise money by donating sperm at the Apollo Hospital`s excellent facilities on Greams Road, Chennai. For some reason, they dropped the plan when they came to know that @ Rs 250/visit they will have to make 3600 visits to the Sperm Bank to make Rs 9 lakhs. 
Rekha, the poor, innocent, farm girl that she is said: “Shouldn`t we ask them to take their time? We are anyway inside a mall with so many other things to do?”