My time with Mumbai Underworld

I have been playing ibibo`s social game Mumbai Underworld for a month now, and it is very addictive. I didn`t start playing this game by choice. One day, I noticed Siddharth Sethi, a colleague of mine, leave this status update: “I own a dance bar, 3 strippers (good earners all) and 3 rifles. Finally life’s starting to look good!” This made me think. “I need to get a good life…I need to be in Mumbai Underworld,” I told myself before starting to play the game. (Play the game here)

Gangster smoking a cigar
The gangster who introduced me to the Underworld

Mumbai Underworld is after all only a game. But well before that -when I was young and could jump over walls quick – I was actually a Mumbai Underworld figure. I wouldn`t go to the extent of saying what Amitabh Bachchan said in the Hindi movie Hum, “Mera aur eak naam hai…Tiger!”, but let me tell you that I was once called a ‘Cat`. Back then I was a 24-year-old surviving the streets of Mumbai. Don ishtyle.

Here goes the story, but before that watch this really interesting bit from the Bollywood movie Hum, featuring Amitabh, Rajinikanth & Govinda.

Having run away from Madurai, Tamil Nadu to Mumbai to become a Bollywood Hero, and having been piped to the post by a not-so-famous guy called Rajnikanth in the movie Hum, I was desperate for a quick movie role. For anybody desperate and lonely enough in Mumbai, the Chowpatty is a good place to go.

When I was wiping my tears sitting on the Chowpati, a gentleman approached me.

“Alone at Chowpatty? Your life must be lonely. Want a girl?”

“Leave me alone. I don`t want anybody now!” I blurted out angrily.

“Tired and desperate, is it?” He seemed very considerate now.

“Yes sir. But how do you care?”

“I do. Wanted to become an actor, is it?” He knew what I came to Mumbai for.

“Yes sir. What will I tell my parents now? How will I marry off my two sisters?”

“You don`t need to be an actor to be rich. You know Sachin Tendulkar, right?”

“Yes sir.”

“Anyway, do you want to become a sports mechanic?”

His question surprised me. I didn`t know what sports mechanic did. But I was curious.

“Sir, pray tell me. What does a sports mechanic do?”

“A car mechanic fixes the car; a train mechanic fixes the train. So what do you think a sports mechanic does?”

“Fix matches?”

“Precisely,” he had a smile on his face.

“No sir, I am bad at anything that`s so organized. Please give me alternatives.”

“Son, let me advice you… organized or unorganized…crime is the only thing that pays in Mumbai – probably because it isn`t run by the Government. If crime were also run by the Government, it would have stopped paying long back.”

“So?” I was getting impatient.

“So…join my gang. I believe in fresh, record-less faces.”

The very same day I got inducted into his gang and was trained in the art of street living. The next day, I was positioned near an ATM in Bandra.

If you have had a good education & upbringing, it is difficult to be an effective criminal. The moment I saw a 60-year-old man come out of the ATM with his wallet stuffed with cash, I told him, “Excuse me sir! I will be your robber for today. How much would you want to part with today?”

The 60-year-old smiled and walked away. The 12 other potential clients that I approached that day did the same. One even said, “You are funny, dude!”

After two days of unsuccessful operations in front of the ATM, I got assigned to the Jewelry Division. On day one of chain snatching, my count was two successful attempts – not a bad start considering there were so few old age homes in the Bandra area. I did this for a week, after which the number of elderly with gold chains around their necks and wheel chairs to their bums came down drastically. Now, my boss asked me to move to bigger things. That`s when I opened a jeweler`s shop at 9 a.m. on one Monday. The jeweler instead of being thankful called the police.

This incident resulted in a loss of face for me within the gang, and I was put in CC Division. For those that don`t understand the criminal lingo, let me assure you that CC Division is Counterfeit Cash Division, where our job was to print counterfeit cash and distribute. I was making big money. Don`t believe me? Then why did the police arrest me for printing & distributing 500 rupee notes that were 1 inch wider?

When in jail, a CBI inspector approached me and said he could put my innocent face to better use my making me a police informer. After he told me that all I had to do was help him trace the criminals, I agreed. The next day he accused me of doing a volte face, whereas all I had asked him for was some tracing paper and photos of the criminals he wanted me to help him trace.

The CBI Police Inspector got offended and decided to file all cases that they hadn`t solved in the last 20 years against my name. It didn`t matter that I was now only 24 years old and couldn`t have committed a bank robbery when just 4-years-old.

A week later, I was bundled into a Police van and taken to the district court in Jalgaon. Before the judge entered the court, I was given a card and Gita to hold. I was told that after the judge came, I was expected to keep my right hand on the Gita and read out what was written on the card. I practiced reading what was written on the card. It read, “I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God.”

But when the judge entered the court, I panicked and kept my right hand on the card and started reading the Gita. Since the judge had never seen an educated criminal, he was mighty impressed with my recitation of Gita. It took me six days to complete the Gita, during which the court adjourned at least 43 times.

Everybody let out a deep sigh of relief when I finished the Gita and the judge ordered the lawyers to start the indoor duel. After a long duel of words, during which I almost fell asleep, the judge asked the Jury to convene and convey its decision.

The Jury came back with its verdict. They said I was guilty of 19 of the 20 criminal cases against me.

At this point, the judge turned towards me and said, “Would you want to challenge the Jury?”

I looked around, noticed that all of them were well-built….and then said: “No sir, can`t challenge them together. But if you are fine with a one-on-one, I don`t mind taking on that lean gentleman in the corner.”

For some reason, the judge started staring at me and sentenced me to six years in prison.

For the six years in prison, all the huge, gay long-term prisoners drew cat whiskers with char coal on my cheeks every day. Now you know why I was once called “Cat”.

And the rainy season begins

If you are living in Delhi or Gurgaon, my apologies….rain was never meant for you. If you live elsewhere in the country, chances are you have seen rain and understand what it is. Here is an article on the rainy season.

I don`t remember when I first saw rain. Since I don`t remember, why don`t we make up the story. The year was 1977 and I was a 2-year-old lad fed on a high dose of Farex and tea in a Mestin (see pic of the Indian Army issue of Mestin). After a heavy lunch I was relaxing my head on a pillow when there was commotion in the house. “Stupid family!” I muttered under my breath and looked up. My mother was running to pick up the clothes drying outside and my father was running towards me. He was coming too fast for me – I just closed my eyes and said my last prayers. Next minute, I was sitting on his shoulders and he was running outside. (Did you know Aftab Shivdasani was a Farex model when he was just 14 months old. Obviously, he didn’t feature in the Farex containers that I emptied. He was born 3 years after I came into this World)

The Jamshedpur air felt good….oh wait. It wasn`t the air now…it was like air but very fast….what do they call it? And then I heard my father yelling towards my mother: ‘Hurry up fast, the clothes will fly away in the wind!”

That`s when I figured out, it was the ‘wind`. Years later, I would find out that wind was the female version of air…..air but a little ‘pushier`. Aren`t girls are nothing but ‘pushier` boys?

Anyway, there sitting on my father`s shoulders I felt the first drops of rain fall on my face. It was heavenly. If only my father hadn`t held both my thighs in his vice like grip I would have enjoyed the moment better. Maybe he was scared that I would fall. After five minutes in the rain watching my mother grab all the clothes, we walked back inside.

From that day to today, I have loved rain.

Needless to say, rain is very important in our lives. At least, in the lives of those nine out of ten folks who can only start a conversation on weather. “Hot day, eh?” “I just hope it starts raining!”

The last ten years of my life – seven in Chennai and three in Gurgaon – have been bad. All I have seen is a heat wave. But I didn`t wave back. Like all of you, I also hate heat.

What adds to the torture is that none of the weathermen have managed to predict weather correctly – and I have always got caught in rains when I am least prepared, with my laptop, wallet, leather shoes….stuff you don`t want to get wet with. I guess the only correct prediction about weather was when God told Noah, “Son, it will rain for 100 days and 100 nights. Now go build a boat. If you want a scale model for reference, check out Tradus.in – they deliver fast.” (Want to know the story of Noah’s ark?)

One of the memories that my current wife Rekha and I will cherish till we die (or divorce, whichever is first) is that one day when we got soaked in the rain for two hours. It was 2003 and we weren`t married then (psst! Don`t tell her parents, they already hate me for being ‘that’ dark guy who married their somewhat fair daughter).

Rekha had recently bought a TVS Scooty, and was practicing riding her TVS Scooty just below my house. I was teaching her – just like how Veeru taught Basanti how to use the revolver in the super-duper hit movie Sholay. That`s when it started raining. Knowing that I get super romantic when it rains, Rekha hatched her master plan. She didn’t want to enter my house all soaked up….primarily because didn’t want to meet Sharmila Tagore’s fate in the Bollywood movie Aradhana. So, she said: “Hey, why don`t we ride my Scooty in the rains on the East Coast Road?”

I agreed. We had the best time of our life together – next only to the time of Rhea`s birth. We still think of those two hours and chuckle. My only complaint about that day is that, after our drive, I had to drop Rekha back at her hostel and walk two kilometers in the rain to reach home. She didn`t trust me with her new bike – like a typical girl, she said it would get dirty. Yeah right!

Not everybody is lucky to have such moments. In fact, some don`t even have the rain.

But life isn`t without rain everywhere. For instance I was in Kerala, and it was raining on all the four days I was there – 23 hours in a day. I got into a discussion with a ten year old boy when in Kerala.

“Son, tell me does it always rain like this in Kerala?”

“I don`t really know uncle, I am only ten years old.”

“Are you telling me, it has been raining for the whole of last ten years?”

“Yes, uncle. It rains cats and dogs. Foul weather.”

“Son, wouldn`t it be fowl weather, if it rained chickens and ducks and not when it rains cats and dogs?”

“Uncle, you aren`t getting the point. By the way, The weather here is crying for some privacy.”

“Why, son?”

“Because it is changing everyday. There, didn`t I get you in your own game?”

“You seem like a smart boy.” I was beginning to hate the boy. I hate anybody who is smarter than I am and can crack a joke at my expense.

“That I am. I also know to predict the rains.”

“How?” This boy was smarter than I thought.

“The moment it rains anywhere, the Kerala Electricity Board switches off the power supply everywhere. That`s the hint.”

“Wow. Not bad. So you must hate the rains?”

“No, not really. All my friends outside of Kerala get a tree in their house only for Christmas.”

“And?” I was starting to like this boy.

“But we can hope for a tree in the house anytime – whenever it rains heavily, a tree falls on our house. My parents hate it though.”

“Shucks, that must be bad. But isn`t anybody doing anything about the havoc created by heavy rains?”

“Hmm….last year, after heavy rains resulted in landslide & flood in Kerala our Chief Minister VS Achuthanandan visited and promised us that he will not rest till he found out whoever did it.”

“And then?”

“Nothing much happened.”

I didn`t say anything to the boy. For Mark Twain had once said the same thing: Everybody is talking about the weather but nobody does anything about it.