Month: August 2010

When I was in class nine, I had my first love affair. That`s when I leant that to make a woman happy a man (or a 14 year old boy) had to compliment her, kiss her, love her, stroke her, caress her, comfort her, tease her, hug her, listen to her, stand by her, hold her and last of all spend money on her.

Back then, I didn`t know what women had to do to make men (or boys) happy….but by the time I started drinking beer….I was sure. The women only had to turn up naked, with a beer in hand.

But by then, it was too late. By the time I was 19 I already had two broken relationships, and was single again.

My first girl friend had left me because she thought we were incompatible. She said she was a Gemini and I was an asshole – and according to Linda Goodman, the two never get along well.

The second break up was with a girl called Madhuri (name changed to avoid late night blank yet threatening calls). This is how the break up happened:

Jammy: Madhuri, please don`t leave me. I can`t live with out you.

Madhuri: Try breathing. You can.

Jammy: I know I will live if I breathe. It is a figure of speech. By the way if you leave me now you will never find anyone like me again.

Madhuri: What makes you think I will be looking for somebody like you? A twin brother of yours maybe? Huh?

I didn`t have the heart to tell her that I didn`t have a twin. I was the only son…in fact I didn`t even have a brother – only two sisters.

My next love affair was a girl called Sumitra – she didn`t know for 14 months that I existed, but when she finally did….she said I was too poor for her. I tried telling her that being the only son, I will be inheriting our house and ancestral property after my parents…but that didn`t move her either.

I confronted her one day. I said: “Sumitra, I need you to be mine. I can`t spell success without ‘U`. If there were a visual, I would have shown you properly….but I hope you know that without ‘U` success spells kind of odd….S-C-C-E-S-S. You know what I mean?

Sumitra: What is the point, Jammy?

Jammy: Can you love me? I have been in love with you for last 14 months. I have also written 427 poems for you. Remember that yahoo ID meet-me-in-heaven from which you get love poems? That was me.

Sumitra: That was you? Ohh gosh! Which school did you study in? Don`t bother answering that.

Jammy: Yeah, that was me. Liked them?

Sumitra: Listen Jammy. Men are like bank accounts – without a lot of money they don`t generate much interest. And for me, you don`t exist.

We Rajans (just in case you didn`t know, Jammy is my nickname) have a very strong personality and we taken rejection with our chin up. I immediately stopped mailing her my poems on a daily basis. Though, I did maintain my weekly digest of poems for a few months.

About six years after Sumitra rejected me, I met a girl called Rekha. She was around me for 2 years before I noticed her. Not because I was surrounded by women all the time, and Rekha got blocked out, but because she was then going around with somebody else. To be on the safer side, let us change his name to Rakesh Roshan. Now, we all know that a Rakesh Roshan can`t be a Hrithik Roshan….so Rekha conveniently dumped him, one fine day.

Within a month, Rekha and I were on our first date. Mind you, Rekha is a girl with amazing sense of humor. If it weren`t for her, one wouldn`t get the dope for this blog. Anyway, here is our discussion on our first date on the shores of Marina beach, Chennai – four years before we got married.

Jammy: Rekha, you just dumped Rakesh Roshan. Aren`t you worried about that guy?

Rekha: No, why? I got bored with him in the first year itself…the second year was pathetic. And it is not like our office has some great looking guys.

Jammy: So, you will break away if the relationship isn`t exciting?

Rekha: I suppose so. Husbands or boy friends should be able to make it exciting without money, or should have enough money to buy excitement.

Jammy: In this case you weren`t married….but what if you were married to rakesh Roshan?

Rekha: I would have taken his house with me.

Jammy: Why do you guys screw us when you leave us?

Rekha: That`s the screwing you get for the screwing you got.

Jammy: If that`s the plan, why even get married. Why not live-in?

Rekha: See, we also don`t like to advertise our wedding gowns on eBay, saying ‘worn only once by mistake`. But we marry…because we have to….else there is no excitement.

Jammy: So, indirectly you are saying that you need someone who will love you even when you are old and fat and ugly?

Rekha: You could say that. But you got to understand that we have this expectation from you guys maybe ten years from now…but you guys have this expectation from us now itself – look at your tummy. And have you looked at yourself in the mirror?

Jammy: You know what….I am not looking for a girl like you….I am looking for an angel to marry.

Rekha: You will have to marry a dead girl for her to be an angel.

Jammy: Hmmm…then, why should I even marry and go thro` the whole torture? Why shouldn`t I find a bad woman, hand over my house keys and walk into an oncoming train?

Rekha: Yeah, I would reckon so. I can be that bad woman. Let me know when and where I have to come to collect the keys.

It has been nine years since we discussed this, and today Rekha and I have known each other for nine years and been married for five. Keep your fingers crossed!

My mother-in-law`s name is Shantha Chandran. And till the time I am alive, I can`t forget her. In fact, she wouldn`t let me forget her.

I first met her when she along with my father in law came to my house to meet my parents. Like I have already mentioned, Rekha and I had had a love marriage. After we informed our parents, they wanted to meet and understand each other.

It was the summer of 2005 (May, perhaps) when her parents came home. I can`t forget the day because, the moment Ms Shantha stepped into our house she said: “Kinda stuffy in here, isn`t it?”

Mr Chandran knew I had overheard it and thus kept mum. He would continue to keep mum on many more such occasions.

Ms Shantha`s next statement (which thankfully my parents didn`t hear) was: “Kind of dark, aren`t they?”

Like I said, Mr Chandran kept mum.

If my mother in law was a fat person, distracting her would have been a piece of cake – yeah literally, I only had to offer her a piece of cake and she would have busied herself in eating. But she wasn`t fat, so I couldn`t do anything while she continued to insult me and my ancestors.

Thankfully, we Rajans know how to fight from the trenches…and I asked my parents to do just that. Everything went well and it was decided that on September 8, 2005 Rekha and I will get married at a temple in Cherrukunnu, Kannur, Kerala. I was a little upset because I didn`t expect my mother in law to be such a problem. I was under the impression that I will sweep her off her feet with my sense of humor. But that was not to be.

As luck would have it, Rekha and I didn`t enter into a major fight before September 8, 2005 and the marriage happened as scheduled.

Marriage over. All relatives gone.

Rekha and I hired a cab to Kumarakom for our honeymoon. I was still reeling under the insults from my mother in law. At least, outlaws are wanted…what was one to do with inlaws?

I blurted out: “Rekha, don`t you think your mom talks too much?”

“What? Haven`t you heard your mom talking?”

This was enough to ensure that the next two hours were silent. If you don`t know how difficult it is for a man on his way to his honeymoon to keep silent for two hours – try it when you get married. We still had three hours of the journey left, so I tried to break the silence using my self-acclaimed excellent sense of humor. I pointed at some sheep grazing in the fields by the roadside and said: “Relatives of yours?”

Rekha didn`t even look up. She just said: “Yes. Remember, I just got married? They are my new in-laws!”

I didn`t try to patch up till we reached Kumarakom. When we were half way into our honeymoon, we became friends again.

It has been five years since, and my relationship with my mother in law has definitely gotten better with time. Earlier, when she used to knock on our door and ask “Can I stay here for a while?” I used to say “No!” and close the door. Now-a-days, I say “Yes” and close the door.

Anyway, a sudden article on my mother in law would have surprised you. “Why now,” you probably ask….and the answer is because yesterday I met a friend of mine called Rakesh Roshan who has had a troubled relationship with his mother in law. Besides, he had just returned from a vacation in Jerusalem. We caught up at the Café Coffee Day nearby.

Jammy: What is up, matey?

Rakesh: I have been better.

Jammy: Why what happened? You have just returned from a vacation in Jerusalem….why don`t you tell me about it. Will make you happy.

Rakesh: Well, we reached Jerusalem in time. And we were only settling down when my mother in law had a heart attack and had to be admitted in a hospital.

Jammy: Shucks! And then?

Rakesh: That day we didn`t plan any sight seeing. I had planned to attend my mother in law`s funeral in the evening, but she canceled it last minute.

Jammy: And?

Rakesh: She got relieved from the hospital the same evening.

Jammy: Thank God for small mercies. And then?

Rakesh: And as luck would have it, she died in her sleep the same night.

Jammy: Good luck or bad luck?

Rakesh: Good luck, of course.

Jammy: And then?

Rakesh: I had two choices – bury her there in Jerusalem itself. Or get her back to India.

Jammy: You should have buried her there itself….transporting her body here would have been very costly.

Rakesh: Yes, it was costly. But when I thought about that famous man who was buried in Jerusalem….what was his name….??

Jammy: Hmm….Jesus Christ?

Rakesh: Yeah…Jesus Christ…didn`t he come out of his grave alive after 3 days? I didn`t want to take any chance with my mother in law, so transported her body to India. It was costly, but worth it.

Jammy: And then?

Rakesh: I burnt her first, and then buried her. Why take chances?

Rakesh sure had his life sorted out.

While talking about his mother in law`s funeral, I was reminded of a common friend called Vinesh Nair who we thought had a great relationship going with his mother in law. In fact, I had been jealous when he SMSed me saying he had gifted his mother in law a Jaguar.

Jammy: So, is Vinesh Nair`s mother in law taking good care of the Jaguar?

Rakesh: Ohh….didn`t you know? His mother in law died of multiple bite wounds when she was attacked by the Jaguar. Apparently, she had left his cage door open.

This post is dedicated to Garima Sinha, who works for ibibo. Find out why.

I had recently bought an HP Printer Cartridge and registered online for their “Spin & Win” contest. As luck would have it, I won a Gillette Mach 3 razor worth Rs 125…which reached my house yesterday. This triggered the aging neurons in my brain, which by the way are seeking voluntary retirement.

Getting something for free doesn`t necessarily mean it is free.

They say that right after a sexy girl….a Gillette Mach 3 razor is the best a man can get. I agree and that`s why I have been using the Mach 3 for all my saving needs. Oops, shaving needs. If you have ever used Gillette Mach 3 razor you would realize that the razor is cheap….but the blades are extremely costly. I had to wait for four annual increments from my employers before I could buy my second Mach 3 blade. To buy my third Mach 3 blade, I had to sell off my old Television set. Mind you, the razor had came at only Rs 125.

That`s when I realized that the business of printers & razors was the same. One had to buy an initial equipment for a smaller price and continue to feed it on a regular basis with a complementary equipment which was costly.

Cheap Razors. Costly Blades.

Cheap Printers. Costly Cartridges.

Now, let us compare this phenomenon with marriage. Let us assume marriage to be the act of acquiring a wife (or a husband!)…. just like how one would acquire a printer or a razor. Acquiring sure is cheaper if its via love marriage (no dowry, you see!). Now, think of all the investments you have to do to make the marriage work…like the investments you would do to make the printer or the razor useful. Making a marriage work is costly, isn`t it? If you are married, you probably nodded on reading this.

Let us now get back to printers and razors. I wonder why Gillette and/or HP don`t give away their razors and/or printers for free? For instance, why can`t they stand outside an IT company and hand over printers (or razors) to people exiting the offices? If the HP guys are smart, they will also contact CEOs and request them to introduce home assignments for all employees, which will require lots of prints to be taken.

I know, you are probably thinking that it isn`t logical. For example, a company like Hindustan Petroleum can`t gift free cars or bikes to everybody only because more people will come to the HP petrol bunks to fill petrol. But let me assure you that this Indian Economy is working the way it is because of a deep-rooted conspiracy called ‘Make them fall in love, and then milk them`.

Let me give you some background. In the early 80s, R Venkatraman was the Finance Minister of India. Yes, it is the same Mr R Venkatraman who would go on to become the President of India. Back then the Indian Economy was in a depression and Mr R Venkatraman came up with a novel idea which was tabled in front of a secret committee of Economists. Before I tell you the then Finance Minister`s idea to shore up the Economy, let me tell you that an economy can get out of depression only when people in the economy start spending.

Now for Mr R Venkataraman`s idea: Make people fall in love and get married. His thinking was that love marriages will be cheap (no dowry, and most love marriages in the 80s were run-away marriages!) but once married the couple will have to start spending to maintain the marriage – the more the marriages the more the spending. The Finance Minister expected the economy to shore up by the conspicuous consumption of married people.

The secret committee of Economists loved the idea (most of them were anyway unmarried…how many girls do you know who want to marry an Economist?). They then called in representatives of a few companies to chalk out a plan to make people fall in love.

The conspiracy consortium involved representatives from companies like: Archies Greetings, Kwality Walls, and Cadburys. Sooraj R. Barjatya was called in to represent Bollywood. The agenda was simple: All these people had to conspire to get men to acquire a woman as his wife and a woman to acquire a man as her husband by falling in love. Exactly the same way a printer manufacturer or a razor manufacturer would give it to you for free and then charge you on the cartridges and blades.

In no time, the companies started their conspiracy and people started falling in love in droves. Before 1982, if you met somebody who had fallen in love and married….you would gawk and ask: ‘Really? Didn`t your parents oppose?”

Not anymore. Now, the landscape was strewn with people who had fallen in love and gotten married cheap. Sooraj R. Barjatya, inspired by R Venkatraman`s plan to revive the economy went on to direct a movie called Maine Pyar Kiya….which claimed that a “boy and girl can never be friends.” This movie alone resulted in a four fold increase in love marriages.

By now, Mr R Venkatraman was no longer the Finance Minister but the conspiracy seeds he had sown had taken wings. While Archies Greetings, Kwality Walls, and Cadburys advertised the need to find the true love and marry cheap… Sooraj R. Barjatya went on to release Hum Aapke Hain Koun, a movie that again increased the love marriages by four fold.

To this day the conspiracy is on….to make you a lovelorn individual, force you to get married and then make you a conspicuous consumer of goods. Don`t believe me? Here is the transcript of a recent meeting of the Conspiracy Consortium which was held in Gurgaon. Ouchmytoe`s investigative journalist Mr Jamshed V Rajan was in the room decorated as a night lamp to overhear the discussion. Since he was having an upset stomach, he couldn`t stay on till the end of the discussion….but we have tried to reproduce whatever was heard.

Cadbury`s Representative: Gentlemen, as the President of this Consortium for this year I inaugurate the session.

Everybody says: Thank you

Archies` Representative: Gentlemen, let me assure you that we are heading for trouble. People have stopped believing in true love, love at first sight etc.

Kwality Walls` representative: What makes you say that?

Archies` Representative: The increase in divorce rates, obviously. Even before they start spending, they separate.

Kwality Walls` representative: Wouldn`t you agree that divorces are because of betrayal or adultery.

Cadbury`s Representative: I agree. So let us announce adultery as an accepted practice. There will be initial brouhaha but people will eventually start liking it.

Everybody says: Great idea sir. Motion passed.

Bollywood`s representative: And we can make another movie like Karan Johar`s Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna. Only this time we will use a better director.

(There have been two Bollywood representatives since Sooraj R. Barjatya. First it was Rakesh Roshan of Kaho Na Pyaar Hai fame & Imtiaz Ali replaced Rakesh Roshan in 2006 and went on to make Jab We Met)

Everybody says: Perfect Mr Imtiaz Ali.

Archies` Representative: We have also realized that women have become way too choosy with men. Unlike the earlier times when Dharmendra was the role model….now-a-days, they want well dressed, well shaved, and well deo-ed men.

Cadbury`s Representative: So, should we ban companies from selling shaving razors, creams, deos etc? Shouldn`t they be supplied by the Government to all via the Public Distribution System (PDS).

Kwality Walls` representative: I second that.

Everybody says: Great idea sir. Motion passed.

At this point, the investigative journalist, who already had an upset stomach, felt something wet running down his thighs. Motion was passed.