In marriage, there are some sentences that immediately change the temperature of the room. Let me try to list some:
“Who is she?”
“Why is your phone on silent?”
“Did you forget what day it is today?”
But nothing comes close to the most terrifying sentence of all: “Rajan, we need to talk.”
The moment Rekha says this, my brain stops whatever it is doing and starts scanning the last 72 hours of my behaviour.
Did I say something? Did I not say something?
Did I say “hmm” when I should have said “yes”? Did I say “yes” when I should have said “hmm”?
Did I like a girl’s photo on Instagram?
Did I forget to reply to her message?
Did I finish the last piece of fish fry without knowing that she was yet to have her dinner?
Every clip from the last three days starts playing at high speed.
On Monday morning, Rekha had said, “Order a football for Ritwik.” Did I respond properly?
On Monday evening, she had asked me to pay the electricity bill. Did I show enough enthusiasm for domestic duties?
Tuesday morning, when both of us were working from the dining table, I couldn’t control my sneeze…and it was loud. Could that be the issue?
You never know.
The worst part is that Rekha never says “Rajan, we need to talk” loudly or with a sense of urgency. She says it calmly.
That is what makes it dangerous. If she shouts, at least you know the blast has happened.
But when she says it softly, it means that the “red button” has been pressed and the missile has been launched…just that its impact is yet to happen.
Sometimes she will say it at night, just when I am about to sleep. She will utter, “Rajan, we need to talk,” and go to her bedroom.
I think the Supreme Court should intervene and pass a law that women can’t do this. No serious marital matter should be discussed after 9:30 p.m.
At that hour, a man’s emotional bandwidth is finished. One can discuss dinner. One can discuss when to get up the next day. But to discuss “where this relationship is going” at night is just not possible.
At 9:30 p.m., the relationship is going to sleep. But you cannot say this to your wife of 20+ years. So I follow her to the bedroom and sit on the bed next to her. I adjust the pillow behind my back and take a sip of water.
Not because I am thirsty, but because accused people are allowed water before trial.
And then the talk happens. Episode 2 of the “We need to talk” Thriller.
Rekha begins: “Do you even realize what happened today?”
This is another dangerous sentence. Because my honest answer is, “No, I don’t realize what happened today.”
But then you can’t say no. So I take the safe route.
“I know,” I mutter under my breath.
Now this is also risky. Because if she asks, “What do you know?” you are finished.
So the trick is to keep your face serious and say, “I know… I have been thinking about it.”
This gives you six extra seconds. A married man can survive entire decades by buying six seconds at a time.
Then Rekha will say, “Then tell me.”
This is when the “we need to talk” discussion takes a decisive turn. At this point, as a man, you have to make a choice.
Option one: Try to guess what she is referring to and expose yourself. Because you will always be wrong!
Option two: Apologize generally….in no direction. Women are suckers for such apologies.
I always choose option two.
“I am sorry, Rekha,” I say.
If she is not in an interrogative mood or she is sleepy, she will say “Ok” and fall asleep. I will slowly slide off the bed, and without making any sound, walk out of the Queen’s bedroom.
But God forbid she is not sleepy, or the issue is much bigger than you thought. In that case, she will ask, “What are you sorry for?”
This is where most husbands collapse. I never give specifics too early and stay in the safe zone.
I will reply, “I am sorry for making you feel this way.”
This is not an apology. This is a life jacket. In fact, before a man gets married, he must be made to shout “I am sorry for making you feel this way” a thousand times, while facing a tree.
I suggest a tree, because this phrase is so powerful that if a man shouted it in front of a woman many times, she may fall in love with him.
“I am sorry for making you feel this way,” is a life jacket that can help you float in all situations.
If she is angry because you forgot something, it works. If she is angry because you said something, it works. If she is angry because you didn’t notice she was angry, it still works.
But whenever you apologize to your wife, always look down. Looking down is very important in such situations. It shows regret. Your wife knows that you are ashamed of whatever you did, even if you don’t know what that “whatever” is.
Also, looking down helps avoid eye contact. This is the same reason why you are never supposed to look into the eyes of a history-sheeter, a rowdy, a terrorist, or a hijacker.
As you guys are already aware, historically, we Rajans have exhibited bravery whenever the situation has demanded.
So, when the scolding goes on for a while, sometimes I gather courage and ask, “What exactly are you pissed about?”
Please don’t try this at home unsupervised. For most men, it could lead to injury, both mental and physical.
That’s when she switches off and says, “Nothing.”
Now, unmarried men may think ‘nothing’ means nothing. Poor fellows. They still believe words have dictionary meanings.
Dear amateurs, God save you all. In marriage, ‘nothing’ means everything.
It means she remembers what happened. She remembers what you said. She remembers what you didn’t say. She remembers your tone, your face, and the ad that was playing on TV at that time.
“Nothing” is like India’s Agni-IV missile, with a range of about 4000 Kms, but God forbid if you have to face “I’m fine” someday. It is the relationship’s equivalent of Agni-V, India’s only fully inducted and operational ICBM…with a range of about 8,000 kilometres.
When your wife or girlfriend says “I’m fine,” she is not conveying information about her health. This is a warning, brother.
When you hear “I’m fine,” immediately stop all recreational activity.
Stop watching cricket. Don’t laugh at reels. Don’t say “ohh, in that case, do you want to order in biryani.” Don’t breathe happily. Just remain available for emotional proceedings.
To sum it up, the three sentences men need to run away from (or stand and endure) are:
“We need to talk.”
“Nothing!”
“I am fine.”
—-X—-X—-
Over the years, I have learned that when Rekha wants to talk about something that is not related to me, she doesn’t always want solutions.
This was a big discovery. Because we men are foolish. We think every problem needs a solution.
Wife says, “I am tired.” We say, “Want to sleep early?”
When wife says, “I have too much work.” We say, “Don’t do it….why don’t you apply for leave today?”
When wife says, “I feel like nobody understands me.” We, stupid husbands, say, “I understand.”
And then we wonder why the situation has become worse. Women don’t always want solutions. Sometimes they just want participation.
They want you to sit there, look concerned, nod correctly, and say, “That must have been so difficult.” This sentence is very powerful.
It works even when you don’t fully know what “that” is.
After 25 years with Rekha, I have realized that in any relationship, it is not about knowing the right answer. It is staying in the exam hall with her till she finds her answers.