There are certain questions a married man must never answer immediately. Here are some I can think of even as I stare at a blank MS Word screen:
“Where were you?”
“Whose message is that?”
“Do you remember what today is?”
And the most dangerous of them all: “Do I look fat?”
This is not a question but a trap. It’s a bigger trap if the person is all dressed up with lipstick and all.
If you are unmarried, you may think the answer is simple. You probably think saying “No!” is a good answer. Ever wondered…maybe this is why you are still unmarried and happy?
A married man knows that “Do I look fat?” is not a question about weight. It is a multi-layered enquiry into love, loyalty, observation skills, memory, body language, response time, and your ability to flourish under pressure.
The other day, Rekha walked out of the bedroom wearing a kurta and stood in front of me.
I was sitting at the dining table, scrolling through my phone, and looking at the comments on my previous article. I got to be honest, I feel good when I read your comments…it is a massive dopamine boost.
She asked, “Rajan, do I look fat in this?”
At that moment, my phone almost slipped from my hand.
A younger man may panic, and a newly married experienced man may answer immediately.
But I have been married for more than 20 years, and have relevant battle scars to show. So I did that same thing which has helped me survive whenever a ‘dangerous question’ was asked in the last twenty years.
I froze. Freezing is a survival technique. You think ice loves being in the freezer? It wants to survive, that’s all. In a way ice and I are the same. Hint: We are cool.
In the animal kingdom, when a predator is nearby, some animals stay completely still and hope the predator loses interest.
Marriage with Rekha has taught me that this technique works sometimes. Not always. But sometimes…because some wives are insistent. Just because you froze they aren’t going to let you get away.
Rekha repeated, “I asked you something.”
Now, in such situations, you must understand that silence is dangerous but speech can be even more dangerous.
Being a husband itself is a tragedy. And being made to stand on the ‘Street of Fatness’ and asked to take a side is a tragedy upon a tragedy.
If you answer too quickly, your wife is bound to say, “You didn’t even look properly.”
If you take too long, she will give you that stare you dread so much and ask, “Why are you thinking so much?”
If you say “No,” she will show you her innocent, cute side and whisper, “You are just saying that.”
If you say “Yes,” you may not live long enough to regret it because that’s definitely bound to wake up the serial killer in her.
Just in case you didn’t know, every wife is a serial killer whose talent is yet to be discovered. She just needs a reason, and a knife to showcase her talent.
If you say, “You look fine,” she will ask, “What do you mean by fine?”
Fine is a dangerous word. When we men say ‘fine’ we mean that everything is alright, let’s move on…maybe watch cricket…order in some food. But when women say ‘fine,’ it means diplomacy has failed and air strikes are being considered.
For instance, imagine if Trump were a lady. This is how a conversation between the US President and Ayatollah Ali Khamenei of Iran would have gone:
“I want you to dismantle your nuclear facilities,” Trump says, adjusting the lipstick that has slightly crossed the natural lip line. Please remember, in this visualisation, Trump is a lady. Play along.
“I guarantee you, it is only for peaceful purposes. We have no intention of hurting anyone,” Khamenei replies, hoping to be understood.
“But my friend Israel doesn’t trust you,” Trump says, wiping the extra lipstick with a pink hanky.
“But we don’t trust Israel either!” Khamenei says, hoping America will understand both sides.
There is a pause. Khamenei is breathing slowly now so as to not offend Trump…and the US President stares back for a few precious seconds, and says “Fine!” even as he looks away.
Khamenei knows nothing is fine, as he runs to his situation room, while Trump orders her F-35s, F-22s, and B-2 Spirit stealth bombers to bomb the shit out of Iran’s nuclear facilities.
Now ladies and gentlemen, that is what a ‘fine’ can lead to – a war!
So I looked at Rekha. Even though I have been trained for the last 20 years, sometimes even the masters falter. I should not have looked at her….that was a mistake.
Never look too carefully when your wife asks, “Do I look fat?”
Because careful looking suggests there is something to inspect.
I looked for exactly 1.5 seconds and said, “No, no…you look nice.”
She narrowed her eyes.
“Nice?”
I immediately knew I had made a yet another mistake.
Nice is also dangerous. Rekha knows that nice is what I say when the food is not bad. She knows that’s the word I use when my friends bring home a local Tamil Nadu beer and ask me, “how is it?”
Rekha looked at me and asked, “Nice as in?”
“As in very nice,” I said. That’s the thing – as a husband once you commit to something you should try and stay afloat. But in your attempt to float above the water during the conversation never use the word ‘very.’
The word ‘very’ is a decorator word…it serves almost no purpose.
It is like a husband on a visit to the gynaecologist. A woman takes her husband along to the gynec only to let the doctor know that she knows who the father is.
When a husband adds ‘very’ to an already weak answer, the wife immediately knows he is decorating a lie.
Rekha turned towards the mirror, spent a few seconds staring at herself and said: “I think this kurta makes me look fat.”
Now we don’t have a mirror near our dining table. Not even in our living room…however, in order to move the story forward we need to temporarily imagine that there is one nearby.
When your wife says, “I think this kurta makes me look fat,” you are not allowed to agree with whatever she said. Leave alone the sentence, you aren’t even allowed to agree with the words individually.
You cannot say, “Maybe the kurta is tight.”
You cannot say, “Maybe try another one.”
You cannot say, “Only slightly.”
So I said, “No, Rekha. It is not the kurta. You look good.”
For a moment I thought I had won. After all we Rajans are survivors. We know what to say when to say and how to say – in fact we are so good in diplomacy that we should be sent to the United Nations to represent India.
As I was imagining myself addressing the UN and getting a standing ovation, Rekha turned.
“Then why did you say ‘nice’?” She asked.
I said, “Nice means good.” In my mind, I was still stepping down from the speaking stage of the UN.
“No Rajan. Nice means average.”
“Who told you?” I was indignant.
“Everyone knows. All women know that nice is the word used to describe what’s average.” She seemed to be sure.
I wanted to say, “I didn’t know,” but someone who is representing India in the UN can’t afford to say that. Besides after 20 years of marriage, I have learnt that ignorance is not a defence.
So I tried again by saying, “You look beautiful.”
She looked at me suspiciously.
“Now you are overcompensating,” she said. But at least this time she was smiling.
At this point, I wanted to leave the house and join a Buddhist monastery. But then remembered that more than 75% of the Buddhists in India were concentrated in Maharashtra…and I didn’t want to leave Tamil Nadu.
The reason why I thought a monastery was a good option was because at least there at least if someone asks, “Do I look fat?” I can say, “Detach yourself from the body.”
But in marriage, one cannot say that.
Please understand, women don’t ask “Do I look fat?” because they don’t know the answer.
They know everything. Women know exactly how they look. They know which side is better for photos…I know because Rekha always stands on my left side.
Forget about themselves, they even know which of their friends has gained weight. They also know which friend has lost weight but is pretending it happened naturally….and not because of a weight-loss program.
So, coming back to the kurta. Rekha was still standing in front of the mirror…moving from side to side and inspecting herself.
Finally she said, “Maybe I should change.”
Now this is another dangerous sentence.
If you say, “Yes, change,” it means you agree the current outfit is bad. And if you say, “No, don’t change,” it means you don’t care enough about her.
If you say, “Up to you,” you are finished because if you look at it, that’s the laziest sentence in any relationship.
“What to step out for lunch?”
“Up to you.”
“Want to go to a movie tonight?”
“Up to you.”
Men think they are giving the freedom of choice to their partner. But women see it as a lack of involvement.
So I said, “Wear this. It suits you.”
She turned and asked, “What suits me? The colour? The fit? Or are you saying this because you want to leave quickly?”
I looked at the ceiling fan. Hoping it would fall on my head and save me. But that didn’t happen.
Then suddenly, my son Ritwik entered the room. The ceiling fan may not have saved me, but I have to tell you that my son is also my fan….and he saved me that day.
Children enter such situations without fear because they don’t understand family politics.
Rekha asked him, “Ritwik, do I look fat in this?”
He looked at her for half a second and said, “No, Amma” and ran away. I looked at him with admiration for I knew that my boy will go far.
Either he is very innocent or he has inherited survival skills from me.
Rekha smiled. “See? He answered properly,” she said.
I wanted to say, “Because he has not been married to you for 20 years.”
But I didn’t….because growing up is also knowing which jokes must remain inside your head.
Rekha, still not satisfied, video-called our daughter Rhea.
“Rhea, do I look fat in this kurta?” my wife asked.
Rhea looked at the screen and said, “Amma, you look nice.”
Rekha smiled, thanked her and cut the call.
It was the same word…but when I said, Rekha saw it differently. When Rhea said nice, it was a certified fashion opinion.
After the call, Rekha finally decided to wear the same kurta. This is another thing many men don’t understand about women.
Sometimes the purpose of asking is not to change the decision but to include the man of the house in the decision making process.
We finally left for the function. In the lift Rekha fixed my collar, and smiled at me. I smiled back.
As I waited for the lift door to open I realised something.
When Rekha asks, “Do I look fat?” maybe she is not really asking if she is fat.
Maybe she is asking, “Do you still find me attractive?”
“Do you still look at me?”
“Do you still see the girl you once followed in an auto after four beers?”
And that is where we men must improve because we think love is about big things. It is not…it is about these small things.
In marriage, the most dangerous question is not “Do I look fat?” The most dangerous question is the one behind it: “Do I still matter to you?” Answer that properly, and you may live to see your partner in another kurta.
Have you ever asked this question to your husband? Or as a husband have you ever been cornered by your wife with this 10-mark question?
In pic: A younger us