There are some places from which a man can never escape. For instance, marriage, income tax, and family WhatsApp groups.
If you are still studying and haven’t started working, you may think WhatsApp groups are harmless. You probably think, “If I don’t like a group, I will just mute it or archive it.”
That is because you are still living in a world where your actions don’t have consequences. You eat, and drink from your parents money…wait till you become adults.
For us adults, leaving a family WhatsApp group, is not an option.
It is not that that nobody has left my extended family group of 76 people – Kumaraswamy had to leave when he couldn’t carry his mobile into the Vellore Central Jail, and my cousin Radhika had to leave when she went undercover in Rawalpindi as Sana Ali Mazari.
If at all I leave my family WhatsApp group, my mother will think I have rejected my bloodline of ace shepherds (my grandpa had 200 goats you know!), my two aunts in Madurai would be hurt, couple of uncles in different parts of Tamil Nadu would be confused, and I would have given my mother-in-law fresh material for six months.
In some families, coming out requires courage. But in our family, coming out of a WhatsApp group requires even more courage.
Because the moment you leave, the investigation begins.
“Why did he leave?”
“Who hurt him?”
“Has he become too big for the family?”
No one will believe the real reason that I simply could not take one more photo of a rose saying “Have a blessed Thursday.”
I am a member of three family groups. The smallest one is called ‘Captain’s House’ because my dad retired as an honorary captain from the Indian Army after 32 years of service….and it consists of my sisters, and their spouses and us.
The biggest group is called “The Sweet Family” which has 75+ members and then there is a breakaway group which split from “The Sweet Family” group and has now has 20 members. It is called “The Really Sweet Family.”
There was an attempt to create yet another breakaway group called “The Sweetest Family”, after yet another small fight in the biggest group…but thankfully the attempt was curtailed.
Whenever a WhatsApp group has the word “sweet” in its name, please understand there is going to be bitterness.
Before I proceed any further I have to tell you that I am taking a huge risk by revealing the truth, because my family members will be reading this. And for all we know, I may be asked to leave all my near and dear ones in the group – like how our society proudly excommunicates their loved ones when they marry into another caste, or religion.
Let me tell you what happens in my family WhatsApp group.
One uncle who was in the Army, sends in his wishes exactly at 5.30 am every day.
Looks like the previous evening itself he starts collecting good morning messages to send the next day.
And it is not a normal good morning…it is as good as Ekta Kapoor’s production.
His good morning has one rising sun, two roses, three butterflies, a waterfall and a baby wearing sunglasses. As if that was not enough, there is a motivational line as well: “Every morning is God’s gift. Enjoy life with positive thinking.”
I am up at 4 am daily (because I am in bed by 10 pm), but for the sake of this story let’s assume that I get up late. Now that this assumption is settled, let me ask you what kind of positivity begins at 5:30 am?
But guess what? Before I am done reading the “message of positivity” an aunty of mine has replied with folded hands emoji.
And an older cousin has replied with thumbs up.
Then another uncle sends the same good morning message again, but with a different waterfall, and instead of roses there are marigolds.
Besides good morning wishes, there are only five times when family WhatsApp groups are active, and there is a certain way of responding on these occasions.
When it is someone’s birthday: 80% of the responses will be “Happy Birthday!” with the ‘cake’ ‘gift’ ‘partying face’ ‘party popper’ emojis. God forbid if like me you end up sending “HBD” – the whole family descends on you asking ‘wow…he is so busy he can’t even type the full message’
When it is someone’s wedding anniversary: There is usually someone who starts this by sharing a photo of the couple, and wishing them on their anniversary. And then there are tonnes of “Happy Anniversary to a lovely couple” messages that follow, even by those that hate the couple.
When someone meets someone else and they take a selfie and send: This is usually easy to respond. You can just ‘heart’ the image and carry on with your life. Everyone thinks you love your family.
When someone sends their kids photo: This is usually done by your family members who are aged 30 to 45 – the range when they have kids ranging from 3 months to 12 years. Once the kids enter the teens, even parents don’t find them cute and thus stop sending in the pics. The typical responses are “How cute!” “Handsome boy…just like his father” “Beautiful…just like her mom.”
When someone dies: Needless to say, this is the saddest of all, and the most popular responses are “RIP” “May his soul rest in peace” “What an early loss!”
Anyway, coming back to the good morning messages….you need to understand that its your family taking attendance.
If you don’t respond, people notice. They may not notice your achievements, your struggles, the EMIs you have been paying for the last 11 years, but if you miss one folded hands emoji below the good morning message….all hell breaks loose.
By 7 am, the group had 31 good morning messages. If you thought that was the end of it, by 11 am, good afternoon messages also start coming in – of course, not as many.
The worst part of a family WhatsApp group is that you cannot be fully silent. While you silence is looked down upon, too much participation is also frowned upon. You have to maintain a balance…which is why the folded hands emoji is my favourite.
Folded hands emoji is the Switzerland of family WhatsApp groups. It can mean any of the following – Thank you, Sorry, Congratulations, Awesome, and My condolences.
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No article of mine is complete without a little nostalgia, so let us go back to my childhood.
When I was growing up, family communication was limited, respectful, and had character. The story of each communication could be narrated in a 10-minute monologue.
One could go, “Remember the time your telegram came, your dad was sick and how we had to change four buses and reach Madurai overnight?”
If someone wanted to inform relatives about something important, they came home or write a letter. Remember the ones that were blue in colour, with a 75 paise stamp – if you are older, you probably saw inlands with 50 paise stamps.
After the letter was written, it had to be folded carefully and then pasted with glue. Most lower middle class families didn’t have glue in their homes, so we used rice to stick the letters/envelopes.
Then it had to be posted in a red letter box, which had the time of next clearance mentioned, which is when a post man wearing khakis would come in a cycle to collect it.
The letter would get stamped in two post offices – the one where it was picked up and the one where it will get delivered – and then it used to reach us.
The best part was, by the time the letter reached us, half the problem would have solved itself. This is exactly the trick P.V. Narasimha Rao, the first Prime Minister to lead a single-party minority government for a full five-year term, would use. When a problem arose, he would delay the decision…and the problem would solve itself.
Anyway, back then if there was something urgent, we had telegram (not the Telegram app!) or an STD call. A STD call was not a phone call…it was an event in itself which people spoke about proudly till the next STD call.
I remember a particular incident in 1986 when my mother my sisters and I were living in Ambattur, Chennai and my father was posted in the border area – I don’t remember where. He wrote a letter mentioning the time and day he would call Mahalingam store, a shop 1.5 kms from our home, which had the closest landline phone.
Since dad had said he would call 4 pm, we were there at 3.30 pm itself and waited in the sun till the shopkeeper shouted, “Who is Selvi here…your husband from the Army is calling!”
I got a few seconds to say hi to my dad, but all the time all I heard was my mother whispering “Talk fast, STD rate is high.”
This was the beauty of old communication. Money controlled emotions. You could not say everything because the meter was running.
Today, thanks to WhatsApp, people can say anything at any time for free. And I believe that free communication has destroyed peace.
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Every family WhatsApp group has the same set of characters.
First let’s talk about the Good Morning Specialist. They are usually the tech savvy family members because they can download and save 100s of good morning images.
This person wakes up before the sun, so that they can wake up the sun: “Come on now, the world is waiting and I have to send out the good morning message!”
With the morning wishes, they also send motivational quotes, spiritual quotes, success quotes, health quotes, and sometimes quotes nobody asked for.
“Don’t count your days. Make your days count.”
“Life is a journey. Enjoy every station.”
“Smile is the best medicine.”
Back in our days such quotes were only reserved for new diaries we used to receive just 10-15 days before the new year started. Remember one page full of quotes such as:
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a gift, open it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a journey, enjoy it.
Life is a puzzle, solve it.
Life is a lesson, learn it.
Life is a dream, chase it.
Then there is the Health Forward Uncle. He may have no medical degree, and his handwriting may be beautiful, but he has unlimited concern for the rest of the family.
He sends messages like:
“Drink hot water every 20 minutes to kill all viruses.”
“Eat two cloves of garlic before sunrise to clean your blood.”
“Never drink cold water after eating mango.”
“Doctors will never tell you this secret because pharma companies want to make money.”
This uncle is a medical conspiracy theorist and distrusts doctors, hospitals, medical science, research, and government. But he fully trusts a message forwarded by someone….and if it has been ‘forwarded many times’, then even better.
Then there is the Political Forward Uncle, who wakes up angry and goes to bed even angrier.
Let’s not forget the Birthday Reminder Cousin. I bet even in your family’s WhatsApp group there is an individual like this…their main job is to remind everyone that it is someone’s birthday.
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But I must also be honest. For all my complaints, there are moments when family WhatsApp groups do something no other place can do.
When someone is sick, the same group becomes active. Not with good morning flowers, but with actual concern.
“Which hospital?”
“Who is with him?”
“Do you need anything?”
“I am nearby. I will go.”
“Send reports….I will show it to a doctor I know.”
“Don’t worry.”
Suddenly, all the noise becomes a safety net. And that’s how the group you wanted to leave becomes the group that holds you.
This is the annoying thing about family. They irritate you daily….but the day you need them, they are with you. And all they expect from you is that the next time at least you will use a folding hands emoji on their good morning message.