There are certain things in life that reveal a person’s true character. How they behave with people such as waiters, security guards, etc, who have no power over them, how they drive in traffic, how they react when there is no WIFI, and how they manage their cupboards.
Open a person’s cupboard and you will know everything about them.
Once you can peep into the cupboard of an individual, you will know about their present, their past, their ambition, their insecurity, in fact you will know the whole route they have taken to where they currently stand in life.
Let’s digress for a while here. When I recruit for my company Firestorm Internet I always see if the individual I am recruiting has a hobby. Do they draw, paint, gym, cook, read, dance, ride, photograph, or grow a garden? Because if they can’t motivate themselves to do something on a regular basis with little or no reward, there is no way I can motivate them to work hard.
While recruiting, how I wish I could take a look inside the cupboard of the candidate. It would reveal so much. I could just look around for 15-20 seconds, and then say, “Congratulations you are selected!” or “Sorry buddy, we don’t think our interests align.”
But then, I guess the interview venue will have to be the candidate’s house…so let’s park this idea for now and get back
—-X—-X—-
Now in our master bedroom – the one where Rekha sleeps alone – we have two massive cupboards built into the wall. One is supposed to be Rekha and the other one is mine.
However, technically the side that’s mine is only 25% mine because my clothes occupy only one level. The other three levels of my cupboard are used to store:
– all our sports equipment which we aren’t using now
– all important documents of the family
– all our winter wear, which we may never use again
Rekha’s side of the cupboard is all her clothes – all four levels.
One afternoon, we were just chilling in the bed, when suddenly Rekha got up in a huff and went to my cupboard. Maybe she was looking for something or maybe she was bored. Or maybe she wanted to feel superior without leaving the bedroom. Women do that sometimes.
She opened the door and stood there silently.
Now, when your wife stands silently in front of your cupboard, please understand: the investigation has begun.
I was sitting on the bed, and was in my own world where I was a sugar daddy, and a few sugars were hovering around me.
That’s when I heard my wife’s sound, “Rajan, what is this?”
My first reaction was, now where did she come from in MY dream? And then I realized we were both in her bedroom – and I say her bedroom because as you know, I sleep in another room.
I immediately sprung to action because “what is this?” can mean anything.
I said, “What?”
She said, “Come and see.”
Now, I know that my cupboard is not a tourist attraction. There is nothing to see, but in marriage, when wife says “come and see,” you have to go and see the thing you already know is not worth seeing.
The moment I stood next to her, she pointed inside the cupboard and asked, “What is this arrangement?”
I looked inside and everything seemed normal. I could see my shirts, t-shirts, jeans, trousers, shorts. One black belt was hanging as if it had been in a depression since Bruce Lee died.
Besides the regular things expected inside a cupboard, I also saw some papers tucked in between clothes, a memento my friends gave me when I turned 50, an old charger, and a Cool Water Davidoff perfume bottle because by mistake I had ordered two at the same time.
To me it seemed like a completely normal male cupboard.
I said, “What’s wrong?”
Rekha looked at me again, after which I decided to remain silent.
—-X—-X—-
You are already aware that no article of mine is complete without a little nostalgia, so let us go back to my childhood.
When we were growing up, cupboards were simple. Mainly because we did not have too many clothes to keep inside them.
I got two good shorts in a year – one for Diwali and one for my birthday. They would start off as good shorts, then playing shorts, then home shorts, and finally, they became cloth for wiping the floor.
We had one steel almirah at home…inside that one bedroom of ours. It was a heavy, light green color Godrej almirah, and it woke up everybody in the neighbourhood whenever we opened the door.
My mother spread newspaper on every level, before she kept our clothes. She would also place at least two naphthalene balls on every level – that’s how civilized people store their clothes, she would say.
That was one storage place for the whole family’s washed clothes, including our school uniforms.
Since that was the only place inside my house which could be locked, my parents kept all the important documents inside this almirah. I think it was in the bottom most level because we didn’t need them as often.
Among these important documents were my dad’s Army documents, our school fee receipts, gas cylinder docs, ration cards, and one plastic cover in which my mother kept “the most important things” that nobody was allowed to touch.
The smell of that Almirah is still fresh in my memory.
We also had a two wall-mounted hook rails, which was another storage for clothes. This was the place where we hung clothes which we had worn once, but they were still clean enough for one more wear.
Back then, cupboard management was easy.
You wore what was dry and fit you. And if something didn’t fit you, you still wore it because your mother said, “Stand straight, it looks fine.”
Back then our fashion statement was, “whatever was washed.”
My mother knew the geography of this almirah inside out. She could say, “Second shelf, left side, under the blue towel,” and it would be there.
—-X—-X—-
Anyway, let’s get back to the present. Rekha is mighty pissed looking inside my cupboard because just last month she had “fixed” it.
What she doesn’t understand is that a man’s cupboard is not messy. It is layered.
In that one level that I have, I have three heaps – clothes I wear, clothes I may wear, and clothes with emotional value.
This is not mess…it is organized chaos.
Men’s cupboards also contain things that have no business being in cupboards.
Old chargers, which one may have shared with an ex once. A visiting card of someone we met ten years back. Your first sunglasses, which you can’t wear now because of all the scratches. Your black belt which you wore every day on your first job. A good watch that stopped working but may be repaired one day.
Wives don’t understand that a man’s cupboard is not just for clothes. It is also a storehouse of a man’s unresolved intentions, which we plan to resolve later.
After all ‘later’ is the most important word in a man’s life.
Haven’t you heard us say “I will fix it later,” “I will wear it later,” “I will do it later,” “I will arrange it later,” etc?
For men, the word “later” is like a cupboard. It is where we store responsibility….because we have so much that we can’t carry all of it at the same time.
Now let us come to Rekha’s cupboard, which as you may have guessed by now is a totally different universe.
From outside, it may look like one cupboard but inside she has implemented her own Dewey Decimal Classification. In case you didn’t know… Melvil Dewey came up with the Dewey Decimal Classification in 1876 to sort books into 10 main subject classes, and it is the world’s most widely used library organization system.
Just that inside instead of books she has 100s of sarees, kurtas, blouses, dupattas, leggings, nighties, shawls, handbags – both old and new, jewellery boxes, safety pins, bangles, bindis, and the list goes on.
Men cannot understand a woman’s cupboard system. It is like walking into a library where all the books are in written in Latin.
One day, when Rekha was in a good mood I dared to open her cupboard and ask, “Rekha…can you explain the insides of your cupboard?”
She said she has 15 categories of clothes. I have listed them below, so men can understand how complicated a brain women have. The categories are: home, market, temple, office, casual outing with friends, casual outing with neighbours, Wedding morning, Wedding evening, train travel, airport look, rainy day, when feeling fat, when feeling the loss of 500 grams, when husband is paying attention and when husband is not paying attention.
Men don’t have this. We only have three categories – home, outside, and t-shirts you can wear anywhere.
Women also have an emotional relationship with clothes which men don’t have.
A saree is not just a saree. Rekha will remember who gave it to her or when she bought it, and what was the occasion when she first wore it.
“This is the saree I wore for Rhea’s first birthday.”
“This one your mother gave me when we went to Madurai for Diwali in 2008.”
“My sister gave me this one when we were invited for their house-warming ceremony in Kannur, but since I had another new one…I didn’t wear it for the function.”
“This one I wore when your sisters came home.”
“This one I will give Rhea someday.”
For men, a cupboard space is physical but for women, it is historical.
Maybe that’s why sometimes, Rekha will open her cupboard and say, “I have nothing to wear.”
And I will know that inside her cupboard she has enough clothes to open a small textile showroom in T. Nagar.
But dare I point that out to her. So like a domesticated husband, I will say, “What do you mean nothing?”
She will say, “Nothing suitable.”
Most men won’t understand this, but when a lady says she has nothing to wear, it is because of a combination of factors.
In here, nothing means nothing that matches the mood, weather, event, people attending, expected photos, current weight, and emotional state.
That’s why when a woman says, “I have nothing to wear,” do not open the cupboard and point at her clothes. That would be amateurish behaviour.
The correct response is silence. You could go one step further and even ask, “Would you want to buy something?”
She will definitely give it a thought, and in the end most likely say no. Because it was never about something ‘new or better.’ Then she will pick up something from her cupboard and ask, “How about this? I think this will be enough for the occasion.”
That’s when you look at what she has selected, then look at her as if you are visualizing her in that dress, and then say, “wow…good choice….it will be perfect!”
And then you immediately ask, “So what should I wear?” You know that it is stupid question, and you will get scolded as she goes through your clothes to select what you should wear. But there are times when a husband has to sacrifice himself for her good…and in this case, to get her out of the “I have nothing to wear” mode.