There are many things that have influenced my life over the last fifty years.
Four things stand out – my father’s Army discipline, my mother’s ability to run a tight ship, my wife’ ability to look at me once and make me realise I have already made a mistake, and four Tamil actresses.
Yes, four actresses have influenced my life deeply over the last fifty years, and before Rekha reads this and files a case against me in the family court whose headquarters is our bedroom, let me clarify that these relationships existed mostly in my head.
And by now you must have understood that we Rajans have a dangerously imaginative, but unproductive head.
These actresses never knew I existed, but I am not complaining.
You know why? Because many successful relationships begin with one person not knowing the other exists. So I always had a good chance.
At least that is what sixteen year old boys tell themselves.
—-X—-X—-
I studied in different parts of the country till I was in 8th standard, and then came back to Madurai in Tamil Nadu to join 9th in a Kendriya Vidyalaya.
In many ways that year changed my life because that’s when Tamil cinema entered my life. Or shall I say actress Khushbu (now Khushbu Sundar) came into my life.
I first saw Khushbu in the movie ‘Varusham 16’ (translated from Tamil to English it would read ‘16 years’), starring opposite Karthik. It released in 1989.
After watching the 2 hour and 32 minutes long movie, I became the kind of fan who believed that if God really existed, he would one day arrange a meeting between Khushbu and this confused 14-year-old boy who was filled with testosterone.
A year or so later, I saw her in ‘Chinna Thambi’ (Younger Brother) with Prabhu, and that is when my admiration for her became love.
The movie was such a big hit that it was remade in Telugu as ‘Chanti’, Kannada as ‘Ramachaari’, and Hindi as ‘Anari.’
“That’s how good my Khushbu is,” I would say to my friends even as I would ask them if anyone would accompany me when I went to Chennai to meet her.
My friends stood by me. After all, what can you expect from boys who were suddenly sprouting hair all over their bodies, and pimples on their faces.
As a 15 year old, I didn’t know what I wanted to do in life…but I sure was in love with Khusbhu’s smile. And wanted to marry her.
During those days, I had photos of Khushbu hidden between my textbooks.
I got these photos from magazines, newspapers, old calendars, and wherever else a lower-middle-class boy with ‘marital ambition’ and scissors could find them.
Within those textbooks, my Khushbu and I had a life of our own.
Thankfully my mother never opened my bag, but if she did, she would have found algebra on one side and Khushbu smiling on the other.
I had decided that once I turn eighteen, I would meet Khushbu in Chennai and express my sincere love for her. And she would immediately understand that behind my ordinary face with pimples was a man of great emotional depth.
I don’t know why boys think sincerity is enough. At that point of my life, leave money, I didn’t even have a moustache worth discussing.
Months went by and then one day, my best friend told me to come to the old school building after the school was over. When I reached, five of my friends who formed the ‘Super Six’ gang were there…all looking sad.
Over the next half hour my friends would break the news gently.
Apparently Khushbu’s name was being linked in magazines and gossip columns with actor Prabhu…and worst of all he was already married.
Now, any ordinary man would have stepped back. But we Rajans are not ordinary…we are large-hearted people. I was willing to overlook everything and embrace her with open arms.
This 16-year-old boy from Madurai, who had never spoken to her, who had no chance of meeting her, who did not even know which train went to Chennai, had decided to forgive Khushbu.
This is the greatness of men. We forgive women who have not asked for forgiveness. We give second chances to actresses who have not taken the first chance with us.
I remember thinking, “Poor Khushbu, maybe she is confused. Once she meets me, she will realize who she really loves.”
Today, I want to go back to the past, meet that boy I was, put a hand on his shoulder and say, “Rajan, study hard… else you will end up scoring 7 out of 100 in half-yearly maths.”
But back then, I was firm. I lived with the hope of marrying Khushbu for many years. In my mind, she was not just an actress….she was my ticket to a lifetime of happiness.
I did try to explain this love of mine to my parents once. They didn’t seem to get it. They asked me to focus on my studies for the time being, and also took away all the photos of Khusbhu I had collected.
I wasn’t deterred. I knew, once I got married…and came home with our child, my parents would immediately buckle and accept our marriage.
—X—X—
Then 1999 happened…..and I watched the movie ‘Vaali’…and saw actress Simran for the first time.
Ajith played a double role in that movie, and both of them wanted Simran. What those two fellows did not know was that there was a third man in the theatre….who wanted her now.
He wasn’t as handsome, as successful, as fair, or as tall as Ajith….but he was full of heart.
That day, as I watched Simran on screen, I knew something had shifted. I said to myself, “Enough of Khushbu. Let us move on.”
One could tell that Simran was a brilliant actress, and an amazing dancer as well. I am bad at dancing…she could teach me how to sway to the music, I thought and smiled.
This is how men’s loyalty works when they are young. Very sincere….till the next Friday release.
The same year I again saw Simran in the movie ‘Thulladha Manamum Thullum’ (Even the heart that doesn’t bounce, will bounce) and the next year I witnessed her beauty in ‘Priyamaanavale’ (a woman who is dear to one’s heart)
By now there was no doubt that I wanted to marry Simran. The best part was I had finished college, and now my parents couldn’t come up with their stock response: “Why don’t you focus on your studies for now?”
But there were practical issues and I started getting worried about that. Now that’s a sign that the man in question is committed. She was a Punjabi girl.
Would my parents agree?
I was a Tamilian. Would her parents accept?
Would our food habits match?
Would there be cultural issues?
And then I told myself, “Rajan, you have lived for three years in Jalandhar in Punjab. You love ‘aloo ke parathe.’ This can work.”
We could be compatible. At least that’s what my analysis confirmed.
In my imagination, Simran and I would sit on the terrace under the warm winter sun of Punjab, and she would serve me hot ‘aloo ke parathe’ with makkhan (white butter), and I would look at her and say something romantic like, “Little more pickle, love?”
People underestimate how deeply food influences male romance.
I started visiting temples to pray for Simran’s health and success of her movies. But I was careful not to visit the temple we Tamilians built for the actress Khushbu. That would have been a bit awkward – visiting a temple dedicated to your ex-girlfriend to pray for your current girlfriend.
Don’t believe me? Try googling ‘Khusbhu temple in Tamil Nadu’ and you will be surprised. But wait…we can do better. After building the temple for the actress in the 1990s…we demolished it in 2005. Know why? Because she supported pre-marital s***x….and we believe that’s the highway to hell. Yes, that’s us.
Anyway, let’s get back to Simran. I would genuinely wish that her
movies should do well, because when you love someone from a distance a prayer is the only communication channel available.
In 2002, when she won the Filmfare Award for Best Actress – Tamil for ‘Kannathil Muthamittal’ (She kissed on the cheeks), I was happy because I felt my prayers had been answered.
By then I was in Chennai, working at Sify, and had also met Rekha.
Rekha and I used to spend a lot of time together…we were great friends alright…but my heart was already beating to the rhythm of the name Simran.
Naturally, I kept Rekha at hand’s distance. I didn’t let her know that I was available for marriage, but at the same time I didn’t want to break her heart by telling her about my love for Simran.
Whenever I went to T. Nagar for some shopping, I would stand in front of Simran’s house and think, “Someday this is where I will come to meet my in-laws.”
I had even decided that even though Simran may be earning much more than me, I would convince her that we should build our own home from scratch.
Back then I didn’t know that with my monthly salary she may only be able to buy the table cloth for our dining table.
There was also a time when I did not want Simran to work with Kamal Haasan because Kamal sir, as everyone knows, gets a little too touchy-feely with his heroines on screen.
But then I saw Simran’s fantastic comedy timing in ‘Pammal K. Sambandam’ and ‘Panchatanthiram’, and I had to admit that she was brilliant.
Her comic timing was sharp, her screen presence was effortless, and I remember thinking, “What a couple we two would be.”
She had comedy timing and I had jokes. I had love, and she had money. We were almost equal in stature, something I am sure the Punjabis will be looking into before finalizing our wedding.
Just a few days before I was planning to visit her T-Nagar house and speak to her parents, I heard that Simran married Delhi-based businessman and airline executive Deepak Bagga. I still remember the date – 2 December in 2003…. the day she broke my heart.
For a few days, I was shaken.
I remember wondering whether I had made a mistake by waiting for her career to take off before approaching her. Maybe I should have gone earlier.
But then, we Rajans are also made of sterner stuff. So I moved on.
And as they say, when God closes a door, he leaves another door slightly open.
—-X—-X—-
In mid-2003, I saw Trisha Krishnan. She was different.
Khushbu was my teenage dream, Simran was a young man’s adventure, and Trisha was pure class – ideal for a man about to enter his 30s.
I first saw her in the movie ‘Saamy’, opposite Vikram, who played a strict police officer, and I fell for her.
By then Rekha and I had started living together, which shows you how complicated a life a man must endure when he is two-timing.
Then in 2004, I watched ‘Ghilli’, possibly with Rekha in the theatre, and fell for Trisha a second time.
It wasn’t easy to control myself. Rekha was sitting next to me and holding hands, while Trisha was on screen. I couldn’t let Trisha see me holding another woman’s hand…so I tried to take it off, but Rekha wouldn’t let go.
Later that year, Rekha and I got married on 8 September.
But I remember thinking, “If only Trisha agrees, I am going to tell Rekha that it is not working out and then move in with the actress.”
Over time, Rekha would understand that it was for the best of both of us.
The good part with Trisha was that I would not have the problem I would have had with Simran, because Trisha was born and brought up in Chennai and grew up primarily in the Alwarpet…Teynampet area.
Trisha may not have had Simran’s comedy timing, but Trisha had class.
And we Madurai boys had a very specific idea of class.
While studying at The American College in Madurai, we had heard that girls studying in Chennai colleges such as Stella Maris and Ethiraj spoke only in English.
If a girl spoke only in English, she automatically had class, used perfume, and possibly had a landline at home.
Trisha had that Chennai college-girl aura. In our minds, women from Chennai colleges did not walk. They floated.
They did not say “What?” They said, “Excuse me?”
They did not eat gol-gappe standing near a roadside shop. They said, “I will just have coffee.”
So naturally, I thought Trisha and I would have made a wonderful couple.
The only small problem was that I was now married to Rekha.
From 2004 to 2007 (when Rhea was born), it was a great time for Rekha, me, and Trisha.
For Rekha and me because we had got married. For Trisha because she was doing fantastic movies such as ‘Thirupaachi’, ‘Aathi’, and ‘Kuruvi’ opposite Vijay, who is now Tamil Nadu’s Chief Minister.
Because of their onscreen chemistry, there were rumours of them dating, but I did not believe any of it.
“My Trisha can’t be like that,” I told myself.
At one point, I had even imagined that if Trisha ever came running into my arms, I would have to handle the situation maturely.
I did not want Rekha to feel I was leaving because something was wrong with her.
So I wrote a letter and kept it in my laptop bag. The letter would explain that it was not personal….that Rekha had been a wonderful wife and that she had done everything right. But sometimes, as they say in sports, ‘may the better team win.’ And in this case, the better woman had won me over.
However, even though I lived only 10 kms from where Trisha lived, she never came running into my arms. She kept focusing on her career, and did not allow my dreams to interfere with her life, which was very selfish of her.
Slowly, as years passed, I realised that Trisha and I were not moving forward.
—-X—-X—-
That is when another actress began entering my life. Her name was Nayanthara.
I had first seen Nayanthara in movies such as ‘Chandramukhi’, ‘Ghajini’, and ‘Billa’, but initially I did not think much of her…because then I was in love with Trisha.
But when Trisha slowly walked out of my life, I realized that Nayanthara was very different – she combined strength, calmness and presence on the screen.
I especially loved that iconic beauty mole near her upper lip and the fact that she decided not to remove it.
Though, if I am being honest, I would have liked it if we had discussed it before she decided.
Nayanthara would sit next to me and ask, “Rajan, shall I get plastic surgery done to remove this mole?”
And because I know how scared my Nayanthara would be to go under the knife, I would gently hold her hand and say, “Please don’t do it for me. I love you the way you are.”
She would smile, come closer, hug me, and that is how we would sleep off that night.
This is how men build entire relationships without disturbing the women concerned.
By now Ritwik was also born, and let us be honest, if you are living with one wife and two kids, one hardly gets time for two-timing.
On top of that, work also happened. So for a few years, Nayanthara almost slipped out of my mind.
Then in 2020, I saw ‘Mookuthi Amman’…wow, what grace.
After watching that movie, I remember googling, “Where does Nayanthara stay?”
Back then we were in Gurgaon, and even though it would have affected my career, I was ready to move back to Chennai to be closer to her.
So what if Rekha and I had two kids and had been married for sixteen years by then?
We were adults and could have easily separated as friends. We would definitely be able to decide among ourselves which days I could visit and see the kids.
I had even started imagining the conversation with Rekha.
“Rekha, you know I respect you. But Nayanthara has happened.”
Knowing Rekha, she would have looked at me for five seconds and said, “This door handle is lose, can you first fix that please?”
The problem was, I took too long to decide. And believe it or not that’s been the story of my life. By the time I make up my mind, the woman has moved on.
Nayanthara was also getting older and perhaps tired of waiting for me to finish my Gurgaon-Chennai logistics planning. In a heartbreaking move, she married filmmaker Vignesh Shivan on June 9, 2022.
After having four relationships besides the one with Rekha, I
decided to give myself a break.
Being in a relationship with an actress can be taxing.
You may think it is easy, but you have to watch their movies, pray for their success, ignore rumours, plan alternate lives and recover when they marry someone else.
It takes a toll on you. So after Nayanthara’s wedding, I have been taking it easy.
—-X—-X—-
Now, however, it has been four years, and I have started thinking again – who should I marry next?
It cannot be Keerthy Suresh because she has chosen her path. It cannot be Samantha Ruth Prabhu either, because her life has already had enough drama.
So I guess it now boils down to Sai Pallavi, Tamannaah Bhatia, or Nithya Menen. Or would you suggest someone else?