Rekha’s birthday is on 5 July.
I am saying this confidently today because I have been in training for 20+ years, and like most men who have survived long marriages, I have learnt that there are some dates you can forget and some dates you can’t.
Even today, there are moments when I pause for a second before saying the date, which does not mean I love her any less.
But somehow Rekha seems to associate me remembering her birthday with my commitment to her, as if love is not measured by how many times I have driven her to Westside, waited outside trial rooms, carried her bags, eaten Chinese food despite not liking it, and most importantly made tea for her mother.
In the initial months of our dating I suffered because I couldn’t remember her birthday. And that’s when I decided that the only way to save my relationship was to create a mnemonic.
A mnemonic is a technique to remember complex information – you use a word, number, phrase or concept to remember and make something easier to visualize.
Now, you may argue, “Rajan, if you are intelligent enough to know the word mnemonic, how difficult is it to remember 5 July?”
Let me assure you, it is very difficult. The more intelligent you are, the more forgetful you are.
Heard of the famous story about one scientist who forgot that he didn’t eat his lunch? Not sure if it was Newton, Edison, Darwin, or some other man who damaged school children’s lives through his discoveries…but he thought he had eaten his lunch when actually a dog had eaten it.
This story makes full sense to me. At this point it is important to point out that only a man can do this.
If it was Madame Curie, she would have shooed away the dog, eaten her lunch, and gone back to work.
Anyway, I created my system. The number 75.
The moment Rekha asked, “When is my birthday?” I would think of the number 75.
Seventh month & fifth day…so 5 July. It was almost Nobel Prize level.
Once the date problem was solved, the next problem arrived. What does a man gift the woman of his life?
When Rekha was my girlfriend, anything I gave her, she loved. I moved between a fluffy toy, a churidar, a photo frame with both our photos, and a greeting card with romantic nonsense written inside, with equal ease.
I remember, once when I didn’t have any money, I walked into an Archies Cards, bought a Rs 10 card wrote “You are the reason my heart beats” on it before leaving it under her laptop in office.
She was pleasantly surprised when she found out, and loved it. Today if I do the same, she will say, “Then please get your ECG done.”
But back then, she liked such things.
Girlfriends are emotionally generous and see the intention, and the effort behind every act. Wives are not like that..they see the bill, the brand, and the return policy.
That is the tragedy of buying a gift for the woman in your life.
Before marriage, a gift for your girlfriend is a ‘happy’ experience but after marriage it can be a ‘scary’ experience.
—-X—-X—-
And like every married man who wants to live long enough to see his children get jobs and leave the house, I take my wife’s birthday seriously.
And over the years, I have realised that buying a birthday gift for your women is a 7-step process.
If you have a daughter or are also closer to her best friend, you can make it a 8-step process. But it is completely optional.
Step one: remember the date
This is the most important step because if you forget the date, there is no point buying the gift. A late gift is not a gift…but an apology.
So every year, around by mid June, all the alerts I have kept start bombarding me. On Google Calendar, I have half hours booked with myself to think of what to buy, on Google Alerts…I have set up alerts “Buy gift” every day at 8 am, I also have alarms set up for 3 pm…all of these remind me about ‘5 July’ and the gift I need to buy.
Step two: start observing
This is difficult because observation requires listening, listening requires focus…and both listening and focus is never a man’s forte.
Still, I try. If Rekha pauses near a shop, I make a mental note. If she says “this is nice,” I write it down in a small notebook I carry on me all the time…it is titled ‘Gift ideas for Rekha.”
If she says, “I like it, but we don’t need to buy right away,” I don’t believe her. I still write that down.
If she says, “Let’s not waste our money on it,” I know this may be something she will like.
If she sends me a link on Whatsapp and says, “See this Rajan,” I know she doesn’t just want me to see.
If you are a man, these are all your cues. Follow them and you can’t go wrong.
Step three: reject all practical gifts
Men love practical gifts and women hate everything that’s practical from a man’s perspective.
Last year when my team members reached out to Rekha to figure out what to gift me on my birthday, she suggested three things – a packet of kadala mittai (a snack made of groundnut+jaggery), Mama Earth’s Onion Hair Oil for Hair Fall Control and 120 Magnesium Glycinate capsules.
The team did exactly that, and I was so excited when I got them. That’s us men.
If someone gifts us a screwdriver set, we may cry. If someone gifts us socks in white, gray and black, we may even hug and cry.
But never give your wife a practical gift on her birthday. And definitely not something that’s practical and suggests that she needs to work harder.
If you gift her an iron box, she may ask, “So do you want me to iron all your shirts during the weekend itself…or would you want them ironed fresh every day in the morning?”
If you gift her a vacuum cleaner, she will unpack it and ask you to clean the house right away.
A wife’s birthday is not the day to improve the house.
It is the day to prove that you understand the woman who improves the house every day while you stand in the middle of the living room asking, “Do we have cello tape in this house?”
Step four: avoid clothes unless supervised
I no longer buy clothes for Rekha. And more than me, Rekha is happy about this.
Buying clothes for your wife requires knowledge of colour, fabric, fall, fit, neckline, sleeve length, current mood, future mood, body confidence, lighting conditions, and whether someone else in the family or her friends group already owns something similar.
A husband does not have this kind of data, so he is the wrong person for such a complicated task.
Even if a husband does have all the data, you should still NOT buy her clothes. You know why? Because only a sensitive, smart, gay man can have all of this data…so why not come out of the closet, so both of you can purse your freedom?
So now, if clothes are involved, I take her along. She can select, and you can pay. But then, it won’t be a surprise.
Step five: never trust the sentence, “I don’t want anything.”
When a wife says, “I don’t want anything,” she does not mean she does not want anything.
She means, “I don’t want to tell you. You should know.”
This sentence has destroyed many husbands and their marriages.
If your wife says that she doesn’t want anything, immediately go into a room and close the door. Now slowly track back to the last 12 months.
Do you remember anything that she paused at in a shop?
Remember what she sent on WhatsApp with the message, “Do you like this?”
Remember what she said while watching her best friend’s Instagram story?
Can you recollect any incidence where she touched something, looked at it lovingly, and then kept it back saying, “Too expensive.”
Did she look at anything for three extra seconds?
Basically, you have to remember everything except the things she directly told you.
Step six: buy the gift
This is the stage where the foundations of the best made men shake as if they were in a 7.5 Richter scale earthquake.
Because after all the observing, planning, filtering, consulting, overthinking, and budget adjustment, you finally have to buy something, but you still have doubts.
Will she like what I got her? Will she ever use it? Does she already have something like this? Is this the colour she would have preferred it in? Is this thoughtful or is it stupid? Is this elegant or expensive-looking only to men? Is there an exchange option…if yes, how do I keep the bill without losing?
This is why I say buying a gift for your wife is not shopping….it is a gamble. You place your bet, swipe the card, and wait for the lottery.
Step seven: give the gift and watch her face
This is the final examination. When your wife opens the gift and she is watching it closely, you watch her face.
Because her face will reveal everything before her words so.
If she smiles immediately, you may live. If she says, “Oh,” you are in danger.
And if she says, “You shouldn’t have,” you must notice the tone.
If it is a happy “You shouldn’t have,” you are safe and if it is a flat
“You shouldn’t have,” she means it.
If she says, “Cute,” her liking for your gift depends on the item.
Cute for a small handmade card is good for you, but if she says “cute” for a jewellery it means your efforts were insufficient.
If she says, “I love it,” don’t celebrate immediately. Wait for 48 hours because Amazon has spoilt your wife…she thinks for every delivery there is a 30-day return window.
—-X—-X—-
When I was younger, I used to think the perfect gift was something costly. Then I thought the perfect gift was something beautiful.
Now, after more than twenty years of marriage, I have realised the perfect gift is something that says, “I know you.”
And that is the problem for us men….how do we ‘know’ our women? It is unfair because after twenty-plus years, I am still trying to know myself.
Some mornings I wake up and don’t know why my back hurts.
Other days I reach the fridge and am not sure what I wanted to open, the freezer or the door below it. Sometimes I enter a room and stand there like Statue of Unity only to realize after 30 seconds that I am in the wrong room.
And this woman expects me to understand her evolving taste in bags, clothes, jewellery, perfumes, shoes, and home décor?
But I am trying…because that’s what marriage is. Marriage is all about trying not to pick up the kitchen knife and stabbing your partner….and walking into the sunset seeking peace.
The real tragedy is that I genuinely want to buy Rekha a good gift.
I am not against gifting, neither am I stingy. But what does one give a woman who has everything? And to top it, has me?
Sometimes I think back to the days when a fluffy toy was enough, when a photo frame could make her smile, when a greeting card with my bad handwriting was good enough, or better still a poem narrated on the Marina beach made her swoon.
When she would look at whatever I gave and say, “So sweet.”
But I am not going to get discouraged. I am going to try and get her something, or fail trying.
After all, a husband may not always know what his wife wants, but he knows that he wants his wife.