Men should be taught to apologise better.
After many fights, many silences, many “it’s okays,” and many apologies where I had no idea what crime I had committed, I have realised that the average Indian man does not know how to apologise.
We know how to say sorry. So much so that now it is an automatic reflex. For men, who are still-in-training it is an voluntary reflex, but for professional apologizers, its involuntary. You see an occasion where there could be further damage to your body, mind or material, you immediately say ‘sorry!’.
But then even parrots can say sorry if you train them well.
Wife: “Why did you tell my mother that I am stubborn?”
Husband: “Sorry.”
Wife: “Why are you saying sorry like a recorded message?”
Husband: “Sorry.”
For us men, sorry is now like breathing. We must continuously say it to survive.
In a way, a ‘sorry’ is like the whistle of a pressure cooker. Can you imagine how much pressure would be inside it after just ten minutes on the gas stove? There is a reason it is called pressure cooker. And guess the saviour – the whistle. Similarly our ‘sorry’ helps ease the tension in the room.
I say that men should be taught to apologize better because we think an apology is the end of a fight. But women think apology is the beginning of the end of the fight.
While a man may want peace and say sorry, a woman wants that her man understand how he was wrong, so he doesn’t repeat it.
And this inability to understand each other’s position, undermines a lot of the relationships.
But having said that, I think it is unfair to men because most of the time we don’t even fully understand what happened.
We only know there was normal atmosphere till 7:20 p.m., then we said something, then the temperature dropped, then she became quiet, then the children also became quiet, then there was silence in the room for an extended period of time. And you look up because the room has been silent for a long while, which is not normal in your house, and realize that some damage has taken place.
Now you don’t know what caused it. Was it something you said?
You had scratched your butt…did that upset her? You had flipped the pages of PG Wodehouse Omnibus…was that too loud? Since there was daal in the afternoon lunch, you had let out a small fart…could that have offended her? Or maybe you switched on both the lights in the room…because you wanted to read?
Our situation is kind of like Iran’s. It doesn’t know why Trump gets up angry one day, and seems completely content with life on other days.
Now since our brains are not smart enough to comprehend the situation, we fall back on ‘sorry!’ thinking that it will solve the issue. In the world of relationships, a ‘sorry’ is like a paracetamol.
Got fever? Take paracetamol.
Tooth is hurting? Take paracetamol.
Got period pain? Take paracetamol.
Got a sore throat? Take paracetamol.
Your joints are hurting? Take paracetamol.
Dear women, you need to understand that man has been built for ‘fight or flight.’ The moment we smell danger, if the creature is bigger, heavier, more dangerous than us, we will obviously opt for flight.
But since we can’t run away – because we don’t want our kids to say to their friends, “you know…my dad went to buy milk, and never came back!”…we stay back and say sorry.
Not because we have understood the full architecture of the issue, but because we wanted to survive the situation.
—-X—-X—-
Now let’s deconstruct how we men say sorry, and why it is wrong.
The first mistake men make is saying sorry too quickly.
A woman is explaining what hurt her, and before she finishes, the husband says, “Okay, sorry.”
This kind of sorry is like closing a laptop while Windows is still updating. Remember the warning sign you get before an update begins – “plug this laptop to a charging point and ensure it is open till the update is over?”
That’s a serious warning…and not to be taken lightly.
And a man who has committed a mistake is like that laptop – you can’t close before receiving the full update from the wife on what went wrong.
When you close the laptop, you think all is well…but damage will happen in the background. Similarly, when a man says sorry too quickly, he thinks he is being mature…but poor fellow doesn’t understand. He does not know that the wife heard the speed of the apology, not the apology.
When you say sorry too fast, you are telling your woman: “Ok…now stop talking.”
Women have very advanced hearing during fights. They will even hear things you haven’t said, so it is better to be careful.
Because if you aren’t careful, based on the sound of your breathing she will know that after saying ‘sorry’ you relaxed a bit.
She may not like it, and will want to push your heartbeat higher by saying, “Don’t just say sorry for the sake of saying sorry.”
And now you are trapped.
The second mistake we men do is adding a ‘but’ after the ‘sorry.’
“I am sorry, but you also…”
Never do that gentlemen. If you don’t want your wife to add cyanide to your food, or worse to your aftershave…don’t make that mistake.
You may admire her butt, but she hates your but. The moment you say “but,” the apology is cancelled.
Here are three sample sentences that can take you close to bankruptcy:
“I am sorry, but you also talk like that sometimes.”
“I am sorry, but I was tired.”
“I am sorry, but why are you making it such a big issue?”
Some of the still-in-training men use ‘sorry but’ because it allows them to apologise and defend themselves. Women love men who multitask, but ‘apologizing and defending’ is one multitasking they hate. So stay away.
The third mistake men make is saying, “I am sorry if you felt bad.”
Obviously she felt bad, there is no need to point it out.
When men say that, what they mean is: “I am not sure I did anything wrong, but since your feelings have been inconvenienced, I am ok with saying sorry.”
Dear men, this approach works with the customers of your company – you can send emails to them saying “We regret any inconvenience caused” but it won’t work in your house.
What is the ‘if’ doing there? Just remove ‘if’ from that sentence and it becomes a decent apology – “I am sorry you felt bad.”
This two-letter word is responsible for moving the goal posts of many fights – as soon as the man utters it, the fight moves from main issue to ‘how the apology was delivered.’
The fourth mistake is believing that the ‘sorry’ you just said is enough.
In the early years of our marriage, Rekha would be upset even after I said sorry.
I would think, “But I said sorry.”
Then I would make the mistake of saying what was in my mind out aloud, “What else do you want?”
It is a classic mistake most men make. What sounds logical in your mind sounds stupid when it comes out.
Never ask a woman “What else do you want?” after a bad apology because she will give you a long list and the fight will get bigger.
—-X—-X—-
In a way saying sorry is like maths. You need to first read the question twice, understand it, then you have to follow all the steps correctly to arrive at the answer. You miss one step, you won’t get full marks – even if you got the end answer correct, which in this case would be a simple ‘sorry!’.
That’s why I think men should be taught to apologize in school itself. Here are some lessons I suggest 8th class onwards.
Class 8: Difference between sorry and sorry-but
Class 9: Dangers of ‘if you felt bad’
Class 10: Practical exam – apologise without defending yourself
Class 11: Handling long periods of silence
Class 12: Decoding actual meaning of ‘fine’
These lessons will teach boys much early that men and women are different. While men are more tuned for ‘action’ women are more tuned towards ‘emotion.’
That’s why while a man professes love by saying, “I will bring all the stars of the world and put them beneath your feet” while the woman expresses her love by saying, “I can sit beside you my whole life.”
And this is precisely why after upsetting a lady we spring to action by saying ‘sorry!’ while the lady in the conflict only wants you to sit there and accept that you caused hurt.
Children learn apologies from watching us, and that I think is the primary reason men must learn to apologize better.
Rhea and Ritwik have seen Rekha and me fight. Of course, we try not to fight in front of them, but they are also not fools…they know when sparks are flying.
They may be in another room, but they can identify tension from the sound of vessels being kept on the kitchen counter. They can tell when Amma is quiet and when Appa is compensating by being extra cheerful.
If sons see fathers apologising badly, they learn bad apology. If daughters see fathers apologising badly, they will learn to tolerate bad apology. Both are dangerous.
Note: I am not saying women are good at apologizing. Women also say things that can hurt men. Someday, we will dig deep into how women can apologize better.