After my article on ‘why men should never be asked to find things’, a reader called Deep Rastogi asked a very deep question in the comments. She asked –
So, for the women who are juggling home, work and families, what is the solution for delegating the cognitive load to husbands?
What she indirectly meant was, “if men are so stupid…will we ever be able to delegate our tasks to them and relax?”
Dear Deep, this is not an easy question. Which is not a surprise because women ask all the tough questions, while men opt for the easy ones.
Men ask, “Where is the fridge in the house?” “Where in the fridge is the sambar?” “How do I heat sambar in a Microwave?”
Women ask questions that deserve a separate article. So, let’s try – no promises though.
This is not a definitive guide and before I even start, let me tell you that you are most likely to fail.
Because teaching men is like trying to teach a pressure cooker to understand poetry. Like a man, the cooker will occasionally give some sound, and some steam…but that’s about it. As for its depth…about half a feet.
First, let us understand what cognitive load in a marriage is.
When Deep mentioned cognitive load, she wasn’t talking about washing the clothes. She was talking about remembering to wash clothes.
Cognitive load is remembering that the work exists, and remembering all the aspects of the work before it can be done.
Let’s take the example of washing clothes. When a wife tells her husband, “please put the clothes in the washing machine,” and he puts the clothes in the washing machine….it is an easy task.
But who remembered that clothes had to be washed? Who remembered that one of their son’s two pants had gone to the tailor, so the one he had worn to school today needs to be washed and dried? Who remembered that the daughter’s new red T-shirt bleeds like a villain in a Telugu movie? Who knew that all the towels are dirty because the previous day the whole family had gone to the beach?
That, ladies and gentlemen, is cognitive load.
Pressing the washing machine’s button and then drying the clothes in the balcony is plain work. Knowing what to wash, and which ones need to dry soon, and what to give for ironing…now that’s cognitive load.
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Most men think they are helpful because they say, “Just tell me what to do.”
This sounds like the man is trying to be supportive, but it hardly is.
As long as the man depends on the woman to tell him what to do around the house, she is still the Project Manager and he is a glorified labourer (a highly educated daily-wage worker in shorts). And we all know…the cognitive load is most on a Project Manager.
The wife has to remember the task, break it into steps, assign it, follow up, and finally check how it was completed. If there were mistakes, she has to gently let the man down, and then once the task is over…thank him, so that he is happy.
As I am writing this now, I am realizing that I am also like most men.
If Rekha tells me, “Rajan, please order groceries on Zepto,” I may order groceries.
But since she is the one who tells me what to order – she says that rice is getting over, coconut oil is low, Ritwik needs cornflakes, Rhea wants Jim Jam biscuits, and get Milky Mist curd and not the one we got last time, then I have not taken cognitive load.
I have only operated the app and placed an order. If you have seen a circus you know that even a monkey with a password can operate an app.
The question is: did I know groceries had to be ordered before Rekha said it?
Usually, no. That is why she carries the load.
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Now let’s break down how women can delegate cognitive load to husbands. I can see five rules emerging…let’s tackle them one by one:
//First rule: delegate the whole department//
Most wives don’t trust their husbands, so they only delegate tasks. Instead, I suggest you delegate the whole departments, however big or small it is.
Instead of telling your man to “buy milk” tell him that going forward milk would be his department. Also explain what all it entails – milk for tea & coffee, milk for cereals, curd, paneer and any other milk derivative your family consumes.
And please don’t expect miracles. The first week he may buy milk only after everyone has already had black tea. In the second week he may buy milk but forget curd, but don’t take him off the hook.
If you want to reduce your cognitive overload, you have to suppress what you were born with – the eternal urge to correct/fix a man. Let him stumble and figure his way out.
If your man is smarter than a snail, by the fourth week he will understand that milk is not a single item….but an integral part of every Indian household.
You can offer him any department…but let it be the complete department. Anything from groceries, medicines, school communication, utility bills, etc.
If you give your boyfriend/husband more than one department, expect him to lag as a Windows laptop would when you open too many tabs in the browser.
Start with one, and let him fail. When he fails, you will also suffer…but in the long run, you will be the winner. As my son Ritwik says when I ask him to study, “Appa…it is short term pain for long term gain!”
//Second rule: don’t rescue your man too quickly//
I know this is going to be very difficult for the women, but if your man is failing, hold the urge to correct him.
I remember the time I was asked to help in Ritwik’s school project. He was to submit it on Monday, and till Thursday evening I had not yet bought chart paper.
On Friday at about 7 am, Rekha asked, “Rajan, is Ritwik’s project on Mughal architecture done?”
I should have known it was a trap. I said, “yes…almost.”
She gave me a stare and said, “Rajan…it is not on Mughal architecture…it is on renewable energy. I was just testing you!”
But after saying that she backed off. The topic once again came back to haunt us when on Friday night I asked her, “Rekha, where is the Fevicol?”
I could see that her whole body wanted to intervene….push me aside and do the project herself. But she didn’t.
She just handed me the Fevicol, and moved on with her life.
To cut the long story short, on Monday morning, my son and I were rushing to make a patch-work of a windmill just before he went off to take bath and get ready.
Even though we had started late, we had caught up. Everything was on track as Ritwik said his byes and walked into the lift holding his windmill project in front of him.
I turned towards Rekha, who was standing beside me, and said, “See, we Rajans never disappoint.”
She smiled, but didn’t say anything.
Two minutes later, Ritwik walked back into the house crying.
Apparently, as soon as he reached the ground floor, his windmill had fallen down, and its blades had also come off.
Rekha turned towards me and gave me her “I knew it” look. I hate it, but can’t do anything about it.
Then she turned towards him and said, “That’s a lesson Ritwik…don’t do things at the last minute. It came off because the Fevicol was still wet.”
That day, by not interfering Rekha taught a lesson to both the men in the house.
//Third rule: stop giving instructions like mothers//
You know that all computers and mobiles have RAM…similarly we men also come with RAM…just that it’s very limited.
Many wives delegate to husbands the way mothers delegate to small boys. Sometimes Rekha also does that, and I don’t like it either.
“Go to the shop, buy lady’s finger, cucumber, potatoes, tomatoes, onions, and coriander leaves. Please remember coriander leaves means coriander leaves, not mint, not curry leaves, and not some green thing that looked fresh. Check that the lady’s finger is tender, don’t buy cucumber that looks like it has given up on life, don’t buy potatoes with roots coming out like they are trying to escape, don’t buy tomatoes that will become chutney before reaching home, and finally don’t get distracted and end up buying Lays Chips and Maggi…we have enough of both at home. If confused, call me.”
By the time I reach the lift, I forget where I am going.
My recommendation is, if you want him to own something, don’t tell him all the micro-steps.
Tell him the outcome: “We need vegetables for three days. You handle it.”
He may make mistakes in the first week, let him know what he did. I am sure some of the men may get excited by the colours at the vegetable shop and throw in purple cabbage, zucchini, yellow and red peppers, Broccoli, etc.
Next week he will improve….or at least he will start thinking on his own.
If you give your husband ownership, there is a chance he may grow a brain in that department. Not sure, girls, but worth a try.
//Fourth rule: don’t expect him to do it your way//
This is something I learnt working for 15+ years in various companies and then 10 years of running my own startup – don’t expect anyone else to work like you.
When we delegate we all make the mistake of expecting similar quality of work. We forget that those who report into us have far less experience on the subject, and their output is going to be different from what we may have delivered.
The same rules apply at home as well.
Women say they want their husbands to take responsibility, but when they do, and deliver results that’s different from what the lady wanted, she goes, “Not like that.”
Now, sometimes “not like that” is a correct response. But not always.
If your husband puts in white clothes with your blue salwar which you know will bleed blue, please intervene.
If he gets lazy and gives your son Maggi for breakfast, please intervene.
But if he folds clothes differently, let it go. If he arranges vegetables in fridge differently, breathe easy. No harm is done.
If he buys a different brand of dishwash liquid that still washes dishes, allow him to experiment.
Giving away ownership of the department means accepting that the other person’s method may not match yours.
I know this can be painful for women who have run homes with precision for years.
But if you keep correcting the man, you are offering him an escape route. He will say, “You can only do it…you know it so well.”
So choose the battles you want to win – don’t let the cognitive load return.
//Fifth rule: Stop reminding your husbands//
Even after assigning the task, if you have to keep reminding your husband, that means the cognitive load has not shifted.
I myself have told Rekha many times, “During the day can you remind me about paying the school fee?”
This just means that now the wife has one more task: remembering to remind the husband to remember his task.
If your man says “remind me,” then you should say, “Put reminder on your phone.”
We live in a world where phones remind us to stand up from our chairs every half hour, drink water even before we get thirsty, pack a sanitary pad because the day has neared, and yet husbands still need wives to remind them to call the plumber.
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Now, men reading this may say, “Why are you blaming only us?”
I am not. Remember…I am also one of you. Only a man who cannot find sambar in his own fridge has the moral right to make fun of other men who cannot find sambar in their own fridge.
We men have probably helped in transforming our women into control rooms.
Ideally, women alone should not have to be responsible for their career, and then also handle most of parenting, caring for elders, planning meals, tracking school notices, remembering birthdays, managing helpers, etc.
While I agree many of the men work hard (I know I do!), many of us are good fathers (I am!) and decent husbands (I am not so sure!), but cognitive load inside the house is often still carried by women.
And if you think we will be less of a man if we help the woman in the house, you couldn’t be further from the truth.
A woman, who is well rested and is not thinking of pending things to do, is more likely to make you feel like a m…a…n.
I rest my case, my Lord!