After spending 25-plus years with Rekha, I have understood that when you are in a relationship, some sentences are more dangerous than others. Especially the kind of sentences you tell your wife.
Let me list a few below:
“Calm down.”
“You are overreacting.”
“What did your mother say now?”
“Do what you want.”
“Is that what you are wearing?”
But the most dangerous sentence in marriage is – “I’ll do it later.”
If you are a man, it may seem like a simple sentence. I mean, how harmful can a sentence that has only four words be?
But don’t be fooled.
“I’ll do it later” is like a time bomb kept quietly under the dining table.
The husband thinks nothing has happened because there is no sound, but the wife can hear the ticking constantly, and when the husband has forgotten, she will ask for the status again.
And that is when it finally explodes, leaving the husband standing in the middle of the smoke.
The other day, Rekha asked me to fix the knob of our main door…it was loose.
Fixing the door would have taken me two minutes, but I would have had to look for the screwdriver for ten minutes, and even then, there was no guarantee that I would have found it. Then, I would have had to ask Rekha and cut a sorry figure. I didn’t want to go through all that trouble…and maybe that’s why I postponed it by saying, “I will do it later.”
Two days later, the main door knob was still loose when Rekha asked me to remove the salt deposits from the bathroom shower because the water wasn’t falling in full force.
In my typical style, I said, “I’ll do it later.”
It must be noted here that I never say no to any task Rekha asks me to do. And I never ask, “Why should I do everything?”
Now, in my mind, once I say “I will do it later,” it means I have given my commitment. And once I have given my commitment, I can’t change it even if I wanted to.
Remember Salman Khan in the 2009 movie ‘Wanted’ said, “Once I make a commitment, then I don’t even listen to myself.” That was inspired by me.
But remember, girlfriends and wives are like project managers…so till the task is not completed, it is an “in process” item in their Excel sheet.
And “later” is such a subjective term. I mean, I can imagine a wife wondering when that “later” will come.
Will it be after the Chennai Metro work is completed, which is two years from now? Or will it be after the Tamil Nadu CM proves that he is more than a pretty face? When is that later?
I think in every woman’s head, there is a folder called “I will do it later,” and it has one MS Word document for every task her husband or boyfriend has postponed.
Inside that file, there will be the date, time, task description, the tone in which she had requested the task to be done, the tone in which the husband postponed it, the number of times she has reminded him, and at what point the wife must find alternative ways to get the task done.
When we men say “I’ll do it later,” we think we have taken the load from them, but they don’t forget. They just file it away and keep opening it at regular intervals. Now, they have one more item to monitor.
Let me give you an example of what happened in our house recently.
One day, Rekha told me, “Rajan, the bulb in the balcony is not working.”
I said, “I’ll do it later.”
Now, this is a simple task for a man who has built websites, run companies, raised children, and survived marriage for 25 years.
But you must understand something — while the actual changing of the bulb takes three minutes, the mental preparation needed to change the bulb takes a couple of weeks.
A few days after Rekha told me…while stepping out of the kitchen after taking some chips, I remembered that there was something to be fixed in the balcony. Once I stepped onto the balcony, I remembered that it was the bulb. I tried to switch it on, but it didn’t work…so my wife was correct in requesting for the bulb to be replaced.
The next time I stepped onto the balcony, I saw the bulb again and remembered, “Ah…yes…the spare bulbs are in the utility room. So I don’t need to buy them.”
A few days later, when I went to the balcony to collect the clothes from the clothesline, I wondered, “Is that bulb screw type or pin type?” and then remembered that I have spares for all types of bulbs.
The fourth time I stepped onto the balcony…this time to water the plants, I wondered if the small stool I have would be enough to reach the bulb. Maybe the stool could be risky…what if I topple over and fall off from the second floor? I made a mental note to use the utility ladder instead.
After a few days, when a half-dead pigeon landed on our balcony and Ritwik wanted me to save him — I am guessing it was a him, because he looked subdued…like a husband — I went to the balcony again. The sun was about to set, and at that moment when it was not daytime but not nighttime either…I wondered if changing the bulb during the day or night was better.
This is how two weeks passed, and after patiently waiting, Rekha said, “The bulb is still not changed.”
I confidently replied, “I know. I’ll do it tomorrow.”
This is how later became tomorrow, and tomorrow became weekend, and weekend became next week.
After a month, when I got the ladder and reached the balcony with a spare bulb, it had already been changed.
“You got this changed already?” I asked Rekha in shock.
And before my wife could reply, I continued with the most useless sentence in the world, “But I was going to do it.”
This is when women should be legally allowed to throw the old bulb at the husband.
This is peak male behaviour — we want credit for the intention as well.
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I have figured out the “man method.” Let’s analyse the four types of “later” used by men in a marriage.
//The “immediate later”//
This is the most respectable “later,” and usually men who use this end up completing the task, but maybe not within the time frame.
When your man says, “I will do it in ten minutes,” he is using the “immediate later.”
//After an activity later//
This is when the man says he will do the task after a certain activity is over. For example, “Sure, I will do it after having tea.”
This is slightly risky because after tea, you don’t know what mood the man may be in.
//During the weekend later//
The weekend is when we humans pause and breathe, which is why it is often used as a milestone.
Indian husbands love the “weekend later” and often use the sentence, “Let’s do it on Saturday.”
And on Saturday evening, it may turn into, “Let’s do it tomorrow.”
By Sunday evening, the husband says, “Now anyway shops will be closed. Let’s do it next weekend.”
//The mental later//
This is a special kind of excuse because it has no timeline attached.
When you assign a task to a man, and he only says, “I will do this later,” it means he has opted for the ‘mental later.’
In this case, the man takes days, if not weeks, to mentally prepare for doing the task. Like how I tried to change the bulb in my balcony.
Mental laters don’t have a timeline or an activity attached to their completion clause.
Wives who get caught up in a mental later end up using the maximum reminders, and most of the time, they will give up and get the task done themselves.
—-X—-X—-
Even though I have been accused of postponing tasks Rekha gives me, I don’t do it intentionally. But let us be fair, sometimes she asks me at the wrong time.
Once, when I was watching the final over of a close match, and five runs were needed from two balls, and the entire nation was holding its breath, she said, “Rajan, can you book a full-body medical check-up for me?”
Why now? Why this moment? Why make your health check-up into a national crisis?
Now when I think of it, maybe she didn’t want me to call the hospital and fix the medical check-up appointment immediately.
She was just transferring the mental load.
But then, how can I take on additional mental load when I am already loaded with the worry of whether India will be able to score five runs in two balls?
She could have also waited for those two balls to be delivered, right?
That’s why I think marriage is complex…there are so many ifs and buts.
But over the years, one thing is pretty clear to me…my wife is probably tired of being the only person who remembers everything that needs to be done.
Maybe she just wants me to acknowledge that, and hold her ‘mental load’ for some time.