Jammy, as Jamshed V Rajan is affectionately called, is a wannabe stand up comedian. He has a funny take on most things but documents only some of them. If you are interested in chatting up with him, do drop him an email at jv.rajan@gmail.com or message him at +919650080255.
An English teacher known to be a strong lady, wrote these words on the blackboard: “woman without her man is nothing”.
She then turned towards the students and asked them to punctuate the words correctly.
The boy students wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The girl students wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”
There you go…
We at ibibo always try to implement virals in all our products. While it helped us provide the best for the ibibo user, it has also helped us grow into one of India`s top social networking site.
This got me thinking…why haven`t I tried any of that on Ouchmytoe? So here it is – a quick viral, which, if you please, can increase the number of people who read Ouchmytoe.com.
Why should I introduce Ouchmytoe.com to my friends/relatives?
If you have been reading Ouchmytoe.com for a while now and feel the need to come daily, chances are your friends / relatives are going to love it to0. After all, laughter is an intense emotion which needs to be shared…gifted.
Here is the mail that goes out to the people you have invited:
Only recently, Darsheel Safary (the child actor in Taare Zameen Par) got nominated in the Filmfare 2007 Best Actor category and gave Shah Rukh Khan a run for his money. Thankfully, King Khan managed to win the award….but I am sure SRK hates the kid`s guts.
As it happens in all super heroes` lives…..this Saturday my life was also affected by a 12 month old girl – no, not my daughter. This baby girl stays in our apartment and celebrated her birthday on 1st March. Here is why I hate her.
Having had a bit of wine on Friday night, I got up Saturday with a mild hangover. The innocent lady that my wife is, she said: “You seem to be having regular headaches. Shouldn`t we check with an optician if your glasses are fine?”
I didn`t want to tell her that my glasses were fine…and it was what I poured into them that was the issue. Anyway, the point is….I didn`t have a great beginning to the weekend.
While sitting at my dinning table with my head in my hands, the door bell rang. When opened, I saw a handsome couple with an invitation card.
Their daughter was celebrating her first birthday and they were throwing a lavish party….and we were being invited. It has been eight months since anybody invited us anywhere.
Rekha and I were startled, and didn`t know how to react. We grabbed the invitation and before uttering customary statements like “Ohhh! That`s so sweet…so how old is she?” “That`s neat…what is her name?” “Has she started walking….ours hasn`t.”….we slammed the door shut.
It was faint, so can`t be sure if I heard it right….but I think I heard somebody say: ‘Bunch of assholes` the moment I slammed the door.
I immediately called a domestic conference…where it was decided to do a tele- conference with our parents in Tamil Nadu and Kerala and seek advice on what to do. Their response was simple…buy a gift, wear glitzy clothes (apparently, that`s what Northies do at parties), wear some traditional ornaments to attract eyeballs….and be at the venue one hour late.
With a head that was singing praises of wine, we had to visit the nearest shopping mall to buy a gift. Reaching there was only 10% of the trouble….the rest was in buying a gift. Have you ever tried buying a gift for a 12-months-old? Especially, when you end up seeing the 12-month-old`s parents daily on morning walks?
“Can we buy this?” I asked pointing at a good, big package.
Baby Walker: This is the gift we bought
“That`s a video game to be played on game consoles.” Rekha rubbished me.
“Can we buy this?” I asked pointing at Monopoly.
“Twelve-month-olds don`t play Monopoly.” She rubbished me again.
After two disappointments, I didn`t suggest anything. If you have been in a mall looking for something for a 12-month-old…you probably understand my situation. After two hours and a hundred shops we found what a purist would describe as a “Train Baby Walker” for the simple reason that this baby walker had a train in the front that would create music (like AR Rahman) when the child tried to walk (Suggestive Image Given).
The Train Baby Walker cost us Rs 800 (ok, it cost us Rs 600 only, but it sounded cheap!) and after gift wrapping it we came back home.
Living in a city where you only have colleagues (and a few scattered friends here and there) has its drawbacks – one doesn`t get invited often. And when suddenly an invitation lands on your lap…the whole weekend goes for a toss.
Scared of being in a crowd of strangers, I decided not to dress up. While Rekha looked at silk sarees and ornaments from traditional Kerela jewelers, I opted to hold the baby.
“Why aren`t you dressing up? This is your chance to wear that shiny black shirt you paid two thousand for,” Rekha said.
“You know…if I don`t dress up I can pass off as the caterer and so wouldn`t have to strike conversations with strangers.” My wife seemed convinced and didn`t argue.
Though we were asked to be there at seven, we graced the occasion only at eight. The girl`s father walked up to us, turned towards Rekha and asked: “What happened…your husband didn`t come?”
And before Rekha could respond, he turned towards me and said: ‘Guests have started eating, why don`t you ensure the desserts are displayed now itself? Come on…don`t waste your time here.”
Like I said, I hate that 12-month-old girl.
# Why do pretty girls don`t propose anymore?
# Babies alone don’t have teething Issues
# The tonsuring & ear piercing ceremony
# Flirting with an air hostess with a baby in hand
Try out other such funny articles from the Ouchmytoe Archives
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We’ve discovered that when I’m in a good mood, it turns green and when I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a big f**kin’ red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he’ll buy me a diamond.
Bijoy Bharathan of ‘The Asian Age’ has written a feature on online Status Messages and what they are all about. Some time back he had called me to get my take on Status Messages which we use without a second thought. Here is the portion where my name figures:
Jamshed V. Rajan, the product head of Ibibo.com, an Indian social networking site says, “Customising one`s status message has many implications, including those of dropping hints of things to come. A colleague of mine who had a predicament about quitting his job displayed his status message as ‘to stay or not to stay` on his G-Talk for some time. Only after he left his job, did I figure out what he meant by it.”
Bijoy Bharathan goes on to write: Jamshed, who believes that the anonymity of the Internet is one of its key driving forces, explains the trend, “In most cases in real life, you can gauge people just by talking to them. It is not so on the Net. People take up altogether different identities online and it`s almost like an individual wearing a fake mustache or a wig in real life.”
To read the full story, Click Here – Status messages convey feelings, reflect moods, hidden thoughts
Coincidentally, a bit of Ego Googling a few days back had led me to an article that appeared in The Hindu (in 2006) where my Google earnings were also mentioned. Here, take a sneak-peak.
I don`t know why, but since yesterday I have been feeling that maybe I should have been born around 2050 A.D. As if having an Army man father and a housewife for a mother wasn`t bad enough….I was born in 1975 – the un-coolest of all years. I say un-coolest because that was also the year the below given happened:
• A state of Emergency was declared in India
• US of A`s first Game Show ‘Wheel of Fortune` premiered on NBC, kicking off a culture we would love to hate
• Sharp teeth became the sign of defiance with the release & subsequent success of Steven Spielberg`s movie ‘Jaws`
• Hillary Rodham made the mistake of marrying Bill Clinton
(During my research, I also found out that actress Preity Zinta is three months elder to me – yes, she was born on Jan 31, 1975)
Let me clarify that I wanted to be born in 2050 A.D. not only because 1975 A.D. was such an un-cool year but also because I am a man for the future.
Imagine, getting up without the hangover (I am hoping by then the scientists would come up a whiskey that doesn’t leave a hangover in the morning!) and walking straight into your environment-friendly washroom.
Even as you sit on the potty, the gobar gas that is being created is converted into energy, thus powering the digital newspaper mounted on the washroom door which you are facing. Since you don`t need to turn the pages of this digital newspaper…digging one`s nose, which is a National pastime in some countries, isn`t an issue.
The environment-friendly potty of yours diverts the flush water (hoping you would flush after you are done) to the coffee maker, which brews up a strong coffee to your liking…so when you leave the washroom you have a mug in your hand. How things change in hundred years – back then, our ancestors would enter the washroom with a mug (of water).
Because of scarcity of water and clean outdoors, bathing will be a thing of the past. Deodorants will come in fragrances of Printer Ink, Letter Head, Fresh Macintosh. Don`t believe me? Try soaking in their smell…it is addictive. And I am sure by 2050 A.D. there will be enough demand.
After a quick deo-spray, I would be ready for office. Since, all the BPO workers would have been raped and murdered no BPOs would exist, and I would probably still be helping build online properties.
Since all my colleagues would have been killed either by AIDS, Bird Flu or the BlueLine busses (and those that were left out in the race to heaven would have died on the way to the hospital cursing themselves for buying Tata Nano) I would be a lonely man. I wouldn`t like to go to office, but when the time came …would attach myself to an e-mail and dispatch myself to my official mail ID only to be downloaded there. I don`t for a second doubt Sabeer Bhatia`s son`s ability to come up with a mail service that will help individuals to attach oneself to a mail ….but I do doubt his ability to transport me with all my clothes on. Note: Keep a pair of clothes in office.
Once in office I will finish my work quickly and start watching Dev Anand`s romantic movies – that`s hoping he doesn`t stop making movies when he is 127 years old (that`s how old he would be in 2050 A.D.).
Once the movie is over, I will switch on my i-Pod Atom (that`s how small the i-Pods will become) and start listening to music. At the rate at which lyrics are getting insignificant, in 2050 A.D. there will be no lyrics in movie songs and thus I will be able to enjoy songs from even Bhojpuri movies.
F*&^ this post is going nowhere – maybe the time I am spending on the treadmill is making me less creative. Note: Need to try this as an excuse tom.
Way back in October 2005, we had bought a treadmill. Don`t believe me? You might want to read the posts titled ‘Getting a treadmill for the house…` dated Oct 3, 2005 and ‘Treadmill and its implications` dated Oct 12, 2005.
It has been more than two years since we broke open our earthen Piggy Bank to pay for the Rs 24,000 automatic treadmill. In the last 30 months I would have used it not more than 100 times – and that`s just a running distance of 100+ kilometers, for I never lasted more than 10 minutes.
Till mid 2006 the treadmill was a major point of our conversation. Guests, relatives and friends asked about. The adventurous, even tried it. By late 2006, the Rs 24,000 treadmill was being used to hang wet towels and stick post-it notes. By mid 2007, it was time to move to Gurgaon and when the Agarwal Movers and Packers asked me where they should keep the treadmill, I asked: “Why don`t you see if there is space in the store room?”
That was the last I remember about the treadmill.
Rekha did mention once that she heard a rat running in the store room. But since I didn`t suspect the rat to be using the treadmill, I dismissed her suggestion.
Eight months and four-inches-around-the-waist later….our treadmill was discussed again. Four girls in my office – Uma, Sunandini, Dia and Sonali – were sharing their dinning table with me and one of them ended up commenting on my well-rounded tummy.
“I bet you are carrying a baby girl in there,” one of them commented, pointing generally in the direction of my tummy.
“Baby girls? You better be careful….I carry whole women inside.” I retorted. But everybody saw through that the aggression was that of a wounded man. A man hardened by years of exercise, but now caught up in the task of community building. Hell has no fury like a woman scorned, they say….but I think that can be said of men too. For that very moment I decided to gain Shah Rukh Khan like six-packs and show these girls what I was made of (flesh, of course!).
When I threw the challenge at the girls, they readily accepted it. Dia even went to the extent of saying that if I managed six packs in three months time – the cut off date being May 18 – she would erect a cut out of mine at her desk.
This happened two days back, and since then the treadmill has been dusted and used at least once (and this time it wasn`t to hang wet towels). While I am working on my six packs….I wonder how my cut out would look on Dia`s desk. Something like the image given above?
Note: If you know of any short cuts to get six packs in three months, please let me know in the comment box.
# Tackling Sympathetic Obesity Syndrome
# Looking for smiling joggers
# I think I am pregnant
If you own a four-chair dining table at home, inviting three friends over for dinner isn`t a great idea. We invited three friends and ended up having a buffet – and being used to buffets, after finishing their dinner they placed Rs 300 each on the dining table and left. OK, I am just kidding.
Last weekend we had gone to Bharani`s house for lunch. After working with ibibo for a year, Bharani (along with another ex-ibibo star Sunny) started a neat search engine called Antya. Since, this search engine could turn big and I might need a good job when I am kicked out of ibibo, we invited Bharani and his wife home.
There is no better way to spend one`s time than by investing in Networking & Public Relations. So much so, my wife sends me gifts on Diwali, and New Year to maintain the relations. To start networking log into ibibo now.
Besides Bharani and his wife, we also invited Fayaz, who came home with a bottle of red wine. After seeing the bottle of red wine I told myself: “I got to invite this guy more often.”
As for Bharani and his wife, they brought along loads of fruits and sweets. After close scrutiny Rekha looked at me and nodded her head, which meant: “No, this is not what we gave them last week. They aren`t returning stuff.”
The difficult part of inviting colleagues… is preparing the house for their arrival. After we borrowed good furniture from the neighbor (who had borrowed our fridge when his colleagues came visiting) we started cleaning the washrooms. It was a good thing we did…for we discovered a mirror that was hidden behind all the muck. I also had to clean the toilet bowl – which was a disaster because the moment I had applied Harpic on the inner walls of the toilet bowl I had to pee!
As part of the cleaning process we also had to change the baby`s diaper. For those of you who are curious…well yes, I spotted a Yellow Africa on my baby`s bums when the diapers were removed.
The initial discussion was about office – what else could be common between colleagues. With time we moved on to Television programs, our past, stand-up comedy, search engines, and eventually babies. As soon as the topic veered on babies, Rekha started contributing and we all started listening.
By 8 p.m. only half of the wine bottle was full. After complimenting myself for my positive approach to life (remember, I saw the half empty bottle as half full)…I poured myself another round. Ten minutes later I noticed that the bottle as three-fourths full. Needless to say, I had to compliment myself again and pour myself another round of the red wine.
By nine we started the buffet. Being a health conscious cook, Rekha had ensured that half of her dishes were only half cooked. Being the good Samaritans, everybody said: ‘Great food.” Fayaz went on to add: “Is the less salt in dal, intentional?” Thankfully, Rekha didn`t hear the statement.
After dinner, we sat down and started talking again. I had half a mind to put on the music and ask the guys to dance….but the fact that I only had Jai Santosh Ma bhajans in the iPod made the decision making easy.
At 11 p.m., everybody bade farewell and went their ways. The moment they stepped out, Rekha asked: “So, how do you think we fared?”
“4.5 out of 5, I guess. What do you say?” I have always been lenient towards myself.
“Yeah. Good that we practiced our jokes & responses twice before,” Rekha said with a wink.
“Yeah. And now they will think we are a happy couple,” I said even as I placed the soiled plates in the sink.
“You mean we aren`t?”
Though the silence was deafening, I decided not to respond.
# Television – my new friend, philosopher & guide
# Train-ed Romance: Romancing a married woman
# Inviting friends over in Chennai
# Inside the Jet Airways flight
# Do all married men need mistresses?