I think I am pregnant

You have probably read why for a long time I thought I was a lesbian. If not, read it here. It is a must read, especially if you are a man. Knowing why I call myself lesbian will double your chances of getting a date on Friday evenings. Not with me, of course.

Before we begin, let me announce that I am a man. I repeat, A MAN.

Of late, I have this feeling that I am pregnant. You might ridicule me, but that is not going to stop me from delivering my child. What you think doesn`t matter to me because you are mere descendents of the people who nailed Jesus, who banished Lord Rama to the jungle for 14 years, and sent Buddha alone to angulimal.

You probably wonder how a man can get pregnant. I just checked the net and my symptoms match. Here I explain it for you –

I had heard pregnancy starts with morning sickness. Now, I am sure. For when Rekha wakes me up at 4.30 in the morning I feel so sick. I could revolt and get back to sleep…but alas…I have to make do with morning sickness.

For the last one month, I have been puking everything I eat. It is the second most prominent symptom in a pregnant person. Just that it might have something to do with the new website from where Rekha has been taking her new recipes. Or the new shop she has been buying her provisions from.

I feel weak and giddy all the time. I know, you could pass this off by saying my boss was giving me loads to do and I stressed out and thus feel tired and giddy. Since I couldn`t ask my boss to cut down on work, I got home and asked my wife. She said: “Now, don`t you give excuses like a pregnant lady…clean the wash basin, as you promised last week.”

I cleaned but during the process, I noticed my bulging belly. It sure had become bigger than it was two months back. Rekha would blame me for not using the treadmill…but what if I was really pregnant? Maybe, I was.

The other day, I even had leg cramps. I don`t think it had anything to do with the day-long cricket session on Sunday. A quick search in Google revealed that Calcium metabolism is strongest during pregnancy and as a result, the affected party gets leg cramps.

Besides, I have this urge to visit the washroom at regular intervals. Two months back, I would visit the washroom only thrice daily. Now, I spend two hours of my office time inside. When I discreetly checked with Mrs Shalini, who is a mother of three children, she said: “When the belly becomes big (in effect the uterus), it pushes against the urinary bladder. Thus reducing its capacity. With a smaller-in-volume urinary bladder the person feels the urge to visit the loo regularly.” I didn`t tell her that sometimes, even a decrease in the centralized air conditioner`s temperature by two degrees Celsius can result in many visits to the loo. But that would have been off the topic.

Now I had confirmed my pregnancy. Since, I was probably the first man in the whole World to get pregnant I wanted to tread carefully. I couldn`t go visit the doc straight up…so I called the Teenage Pregnancy Prevention Center`s helpline.

“Madam, may I speak to the gynecologist please?”
“I think I am pregnant but am not sure.”
“Did you run a pregnancy test?”
“No madam, I am in no mood to run.”
“Please visit a pharmacy, buy a pregnancy test strip and test yourself.”
“But madam, for that I will have to expose myself. Is there any other way, I can find out?”
“Hmm…do you puke?”
“Do you have morning sickness?”
“Do you feel giddy?”
“Do you have leg cramps?”
“Is your belly increasing in size?”
“You are definitely pregnant.” It was the doctor confirming my suspicions.
“Madam, please don`t scare me. Is there any other simple yet reliable test to prove pregnancy?”
“Yes. Try eating a green mango. If you are not pregnant you can`t finish it. If you manage to finish it…you are definitely pregnant. This one is a sure shot test.”
“Thank you madam.”
“BTW…you sound like a man…”. I gathered she was having her doubts.
“You might be aware of hormonal changes during pregnancy….” I banged the phone down before she could say anything.

I rushed to a fruit market and bought a green mango. The problem is, I was able to eat it. I even bought five more!

By Jamshed V Rajan

Jammy, as Jamshed V Rajan is affectionately called, is a wannabe stand up comedian. He has a funny take on most things but documents only some of them. If you are interested in chatting up with him, do drop him an email at jv.rajan@gmail.com or message him at +919650080255.

5 replies on “I think I am pregnant”

[…] # 1. About Jamshed Velayuda Rajan # 2. Rekha is pregnant and happy # 3. The Kingfisher Class – Part 1 # 4. A visit to Fan India, Chennai # 5. Married men need mistresses # 6. Getting to know sex thro’ Fashion TV Different types of fathers in law When the baby and the mother bond and forget the father The initial months of pregnancy Accepting gifts from relatives Once inside the Jet Airways Can somebody tell me what women want Inviting friends over Why should you marry the girl you love Sexual escapades of a married man Our visit to a gynecologist Trained Romance Making full use of the bath tub The art of swearing unnoticed Mother in law vs daughter in law When Rekha and I visited Mocha, Chennai A married man’s guide to safe and sound staring Am I a lesbian? Sex on television The origin and art of kissing Why do men always pee in the wrong place? I think I am pregnant Ten sentences you will never hear your wife say Much married, much harried A fat chance – never call your wife fat Valentine’s day is over. Phew! Ten reasons why you need a girl friend My world is suddenly crowded The conversation between Osama and Batman […]

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