When I wrote that men don’t apologise properly, I knew that there will be at least five men who will come in the comments section wearing the badge of justice, holding the torch of truth, and shouting, “What about women? Do they ever apologize?”
And just as expected, my friend commented:
And here I was convinced that it’s WOMEN who can never bring themselves to apologize for their errors and omissions!!! Now, that’s not only Yours Truly’s experience … Men who have any Testosterone left all agree with me!! Wonder what that makes YOU, O Admirer of Thy Wife, Jnani Jamshed V Rajan Ji?!?
Now, “Jnani,” as far as I understand, is a Punjabi slang word used to refer to women or men with feminine qualities. So basically, because I said men should apologise better, Sanjay promoted me to a ‘Jnani.’
This is the beauty of social media. You write one humour article on apology, and by evening people start questioning your testosterone level.
Dear Mr Sethi, you need not worry – for the last 18 months I have been having Kapiva Original Himalayan Shilajit. I think I am on my 5th 20 ml bottle…so you can rest easy. I assure you that testosterone levels is not the problem here.
But to be honest, I must say that Sanjay is not completely wrong. Please don’t get excited, Sanjay. I am not saying you are fully right.
I am only saying that all of us are a result of our experiences. Sanjay’s experience has taught him that women don’t apologise.
My experience has taught me that my wife doesn’t apologize, and men like me apologise but don’t do it properly.
Both experiences can be true…and that is the tragedy of marriage.
—-X—-X—-
But Mr Sanjay’s comment reminded me of my early teenage days, when we had just moved back to Madurai from Kolkata.
In the evening my mother would make very simple snacks, and tea and neighbouring women would come over for a session of gossip. I loved sitting next to them with a book, pretending to study. I would listen to every word, every tone, and analyse every expression.
Soon enough I had my own image of each lady’s family, their problems, and what was going on in the lady’s mind.
Many a times my mother would scold me – she would ask me to go to the only bedroom we had and study, but I would refuse.
She would ask, “Why do you want to sit among the women and
listen to their stories?”
I didn’t have answer then. Back then I thought I loved the gossip…but no…looks like I had loved the stories. To me, they seemed like story sessions, where parts of it were told and rest I was left to imagine.
Since I was a fairly decent student, my mother didn’t really force me away. So, for about three years…if I didn’t go out to play…this used to be my routine.
To cut the long story short, when my body was maxing out on testosterone, I was spending time listening to women. Maybe that’s why I love women and their issues so much.
—-X—-X—-
So today, in the interest of balance, fairness, and because Mr Sanjay has publicly raised the testosterone flag, let us discuss why women should also be taught to apologise better.
Before any woman gets angry, please understand that I am not saying women don’t apologise. They do. But sometimes, they apologise in such advanced ways that ordinary men like us cannot identify the apology.
Like a man’s apology, women don’t apologize in simple terms.
A man’s apology, even if bad, at least has the word ‘sorry’ in it.
Here are a few phrases we men use to apologize:
“Sorry.”
“Okay sorry.”
“Sorry but….”
“Sorry if you felt bad.”
Here are some ways a woman may apologize:
“Fine, leave it.”
“I didn’t mean it that way.”
“I was angry, that’s why I said it.”
“You know how I am.”
Not once will you hear her use the word ‘sorry’. No wait…sometimes when pushed to the edge a lady may apologize…but the sentence would be framed as if she has already said sorry, even when it is the first time. She would say, “Okay, I said sorry no?”
Now let us look at some of the different types of ‘sorrys’ a lady is capable of.
+++Indirect Apology+++
Sometimes a woman may not say anything related to the incident, but will try to apologize with her actions.
For instance, sometimes after the emotions have died down, and Rekha has realized that she was wrong, she would use ice breakers such as:
“Is it ok if I play some songs?”
“Want me to open the door…looks like there is a good breeze.”
“I am planning to go for a walk in the evening. Want to come?”
Now, this is confusing for men because we are simple people. We need clear communication…if you are sorry, say sorry and be done with it.
+++Counter Apology +++
Exactly as the men do, even the women offer what I call the counter-apology.
This is when a woman says sorry and immediately adds your bigger mistake to the sentence.
“Okay, sorry I shouted, but you only made me shout.”
This is like borrowing a vessel to make biryani because you were going to have many guests, and then returning it with a scratch saying…“Sorry, but your vessel was too delicate.”
If you have been married to a lady for a while, you must have heard these sentences:
“Sorry I said that, but you pushed me to it.”
“Sorry I got angry, but you know I don’t like it when you do that.”
Most often these sentences are accompanied by opening of the Dam of Eves, so there is moistness on the cheeks, sniffling etc…which weakens the man. This happens even to those with high testosterone levels, Mr Sanjay.
At this moment the man is confused. He has received his sorry, but somehow he is still the accused. He tries to unravel the mystery but looking at his woman crying, he buckles and holds the woman and says, “It is ok…I am sorry. It is all my fault.
That’s the complexity of women – they can apologise to you and prosecute you in the same sentence. And you know us… we Rajans love complexity. Maybe that’s why we love women.
+++Historical Apology +++
How often has the lady in your life apologized, but in the same sentence brought up your mistake from ten years ago for context?
“Okay, I am sorry I said that yesterday, but remember in 2015 when your cousin came home you said the same thing to me?”
We men don’t remember where we kept our car keys last night…how are we expected to remember what happened 10 years back?
But women remember because their memory is frightening. I think every time a man makes a mistake a quick reel gets made in a woman’s mind. The reel has the information on who said what, what was the tone used, who was sitting nearby, who was standing nearby, who smiled, who smirked, and who looked away.
And when the time comes, they play this reel in 30 seconds and become fully updated on what happened ‘that’ day. As for the men, we can’t even take a selfie…leave alone a reel.
+++Aggressive Apology+++
Some women apologize aggressively – I call it the apology with Service Charge. On the surface, the apology looks ok…but if you look closely a ‘Service Charge’ is applied in the bill.
“I am sorry. Are you happy now?”
“I am sorry. What else do you want?”
Being the simple minds that we are when women say sorry like this, we don’t know whether to accept or apologise back. Most experienced husbands who want peace in their lives will apologise back.
Young husbands may ask, “Why are you saying sorry like that?”
Poor fellows…they are still new to the forest….and don’t know who is the King of the jungle. Men who have spent enough time with their women know not to disturb wildlife.
—-X—-X—-
I am not a relationship guru, but I think a relationship becomes healthier when both people can say, “I was wrong.”
In fact, it is a vicious cycle…one can freely say “I was wrong” only in a healthier relationship.
Apology is not surrender, but it is actually a repair. Apologizing is the fine art of choosing the relationship over the argument. Of course, this line sounds very wise when I write it…but do I practice it in real life. Maybe…maybe not.
I am sure after reading it Rekha is going to ask me, “Then why don’t you follow it?”
And we will have a fight over it, and one of us will apologize to the other. Mostly me.
If you are a lady and like Mr Sanjay you are upset that I am blaming the women, please don’t misunderstand.
What I am saying is research. It is unfunded research conducted over twenty-five years in one house, under difficult field conditions, with one wife, two children, and many fights.
Also, please note that I am taking great personal risk by writing this. When I wrote about men apologising badly, it was easy for my wife to agree with it. When I write about women apologising badly, Rekha may not like it as much.
So Mr Sanjay, if anything happens to me after this article, remember, your testosterone comment started it. You lit the match and went away….and left me near the gas cylinder.