Confusion over heaven & hell

Last Friday I got a little drunk. A few of my friends had come down from Pune and we had a party in Delhi. It was 10.30 p.m. when we finished (old men wrap up early!). I don’t drive while drinking. And vice versa. The drunk, adventurous ‘me’ decided to take a bus to Gurgaon. My other drunken friends bade me farewell and walked to their car while I stood inside the bus looking like a fool.

Have you ever tried being in a bus when you are drunk? You have to hold the bar on top, just so you don’t fall and you got to look out the window at the scenery and also keep an eye out for the conductor – man, it was like being a fighter pilot and managing all thise dials on his dashboard.

There was a seat available next to a 50-something lady. I walked up close and sat down. I guess I smiled too.

“Are you drunk?” The 50-something lady asked.

“I am sorry but I am.” I blabbered.

“Are you a carefree bachelor or are you married?”

In a non-drunk state, I wouldn’t have given out this information. But ended up blurting out: “No madam…I have a wife and a 20 month old daughter.”

“You are going to hell young man!” She said.

I tried my wittiest best and asked her: “Am I in the wrong bus, then?”

But my joke didn’t impress her and we never spoke after that. But her statement made me wonder why hell was any different from Mother Earth. And what was the big deal about heaven?

Between you and me…I would any day prefer heaven. But if Advani and Narendra Modi are going to be in heaven because they are so religious, I would rather be in hell.

I am also told hell would have far more interesting people than heaven.

Heard about the case where a couple in heaven are married for eternity just because they couldn’t find a lawyer to file divorce proceedings? Now you know why only marriages are MADE in heaven and not BROKEN in heaven. Because all the lying lawyers in bloody hell!

One thing that swings the balance towards heaven is that one doesn’t need to work there. But what is the guarantee? What if God goes back on his word? What if there also I will have to put up with a boss for a monthly salary? I am sure God would want to play God in heaven. Well, there is one instance when I would want to be in heaven…when God takes birth on Earth again as a Lord Krishna, or Buddha or Rama.

But there is one disadvantage of not working in heaven. There is a gray area – what about our hobbies…can I indulge in gardening? If no…does that mean that I can’t grow my own opium?

Actually, thee is one more disadvantage. Heaven has the habit of throwing people out. As a kid I remember this one instance where I was in a hospital and they showed me a baby and said she is your sister. I asked my mom: “Where did she come from?”

And without blinking her eyes, my mom said: “The people in heaven have given her to us.”

I could see why the people in heaven wanted us to have this small baby girl…she was all wrinkled and dirty and ugly…but my mom was too innocent to understand all that.

One problem with heaven though is, nobody cooks food there. God, Pope John Paul II and Mother Teresa, the only three people in heaven (as of data on November 26, 2008), prefer to eat canned food. It doesn’t make economical sense to cook for just three people…that too during such a bad Global financial meltdown.

Some internet user’s thoughts on the “72 virgins” concept
Koran doesn’t specify that the faithful get 72 virgins apiece. For this we look at Hadith, traditional sayings credited to Muhammad but without proof. Hadith number 2,562 known as the Sunan al-Tirmidhi says, “The least reward for the people who enter Heaven is 72 wives and 80,000 servants, and a house over which stands a dome of aquamarine, ruby and pearls.” Read More

Hell on the other hand has its own benefits. An ugly ex-colleague of mine, who had to return from Hell because his visa expired, told me that he spent six months in hell with a Super Model. When drunk, my friend confessed that the Super Model was being punished for her bad behavior on Earth…by being forced to stay with this ugly ex-colleague of mine.

I have realized…hell always needs a little more water (for the thirsty workers), a cool breeze (for cooling the oven like atmosphere) and few more good people.

By the way, does anybody know if it is true that the faithful get “80,000 servants and 72 wives”? For then, I would be sure to head for heaven…

Can you tell me what all I will have to do to avoid hell?

Other Funny Reads

# Complimenting & complicating your life
# How do I get six packs in three months?
# Baby sitting isn’t a nice profession
# Wish our real life had the benefits of online life

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