Origin of those funny messages behind Indian trucks

There has always been a huge communication problem between men and women in India – and the issue is more prevalent amongst men and women who own trucks. It is usual for women to not feel the need to stop and for men to not feel the need to start – talking, that is.

This inability to communicate has taken totally different dimension in the last 50 years or so. OK, let me not keep the suspense any longer.

Yesterday I broke into the trusted circle of Women Truck owners, and was let in on a 50-year old secret – that men and women have been communicating with each other by writing messages on the back of the trucks they owned.

I asked the Lady truck owner who had let me in on the secret, “How did it all begin?” Thats when she narrated the whole story.

She said: ” Way back in 1960, we Indian women were a bit traditional and shy and our Truck owning husbands had one major crib – they weren’t getting enough blow jobs.”

“And then?” I enquired.

“That is when the Truck Owners Association of Men figured out a way to communicate it to their wives – they decided to write ‘Blow Horn’ behind their trucks.”

“How did that help?” I was confused.

“You see the Indian men were shy too. Back then, our trucks used to be backed up in front of our houses and all the wives could see this message aimed at them every day.”

Brilliant idea, I thought to myself. And to ensure she didn’t stop I asked her: “How did you guys respond to that?”

“We also have a Truckers Association for Women…and we decided to respond with an appropriate message – we wrote ‘Keep Distance’ behind our trucks and let them lose on the roads.”

It was interesting. The women were retaliating. I couldn’t let her stop now, so I asked: “And then?”

“The obnoxious creatures that men are, they responded back by writing ‘Use Dipper at Night.’
You need to understand that by now, the war of words had spilled over to our houses as well.” I could see the anger writ large on the woman’s face.

“Did you guys get what the men meant by ‘Use Dipper at Night’? And did it help turn around the marital life?” I goaded her.

“We understood what they meant. But it made marital life worse. We women decided to not give them any sex for months.”

“And then?” I was finding it difficult to keep a straight face.

“Then, what we waited. And when we didn’t get any reply for six months, to rub it in, we got ‘Horn OK Please’ painted on our trucks…questioning them if their so called HORN was OK.”

“Wow…did this help? The men would have got angry?”

“Bullshit…they came back to us on all fours – not exactly all fours, but still. As an apology they got ‘we two ours two’ painted on their trucks.”

“And then? Did that bring the men and women together?” I asked her.

At my question the lady smiled. Apparently after reading this message, the women understood that their husbands were back on track and wanted to raise a cute little family with their wives. Needless to say, everybody was back together again and lived happily ever after.


Getting better at sex takes patience and practice

Sex between a man and woman could be great – provided you get between the right man and woman. – Woody Allen

They say that getting better at sex takes patience and practice. I can vouch for that because in the last 25 years I have been through a lot of sexual disasters.

Till I was 19, I was more familiar with different parts of my city than my own body. Arrival of Shalini Menon in my life changed everything. No, we didn’t have sex. Her father owned a Video cassette store (way back in 1995, VCDs and DVDs weren’t available) and she stole a membership card to gift me on my birthday. That was when I started renting ‘A’ rated movies and gained a deep understanding of my body.

I don’t remember the first time I had actual sex – primarily because they didn’t give receipts back then. All I remember is that I was visiting Mumbai and I was drunk. I also vaguely remember that all the girls wanted to make out with me, which means it must have been a whorehouse.

Unfortunately, sex is a very addictive game. I warn those of you who are yet to play the game of sex. Try out cocaine instead. It is cheaper and you can give up whenever you want.

When back in Madurai – which is a lot more conservative and one needs to be friends with a flashy pimp to get anywhere – I was forced to try out phone sex. I had to stop it when I realized that getting a girlfriend was cheaper. Besides, I also got an infection due to too much of phone sex, and with different partners. I still wonder if I can label it STD – not Standard Truck Dial silly…Sexually Transmitted Disease.

By 1997, I had a girlfriend of my own. For the next two years I paid emotionally for sex. Quite a price to pay for sex twice a week.

With time I realized that sex was all about being in the right situation. If you were a man, you didn’t need a situation, just a place was enough. But if you were a woman, a lot of factors contributed to the trigger. To present a metaphor, sex for women is like fire. For it to begin one needs to provide the right amount of oxygen (money), fuel (money) and the spark to ignite (money). If you notice, after the fire is over nothing remains.

Maybe that’s why, the US based comedian Alonzo Bodden has this famous quote listed against his name: “They are working on Viagra for women. Are they crazy? It has been around for 100s of years – it is called cash.”

If my memory serves me right I think I gave up both phone sex and sex with girlfriend due to huge bills. I am not too sure though for when you are an addict, your ability to reason and remember you reasoning comes down drastically. I am sure, all cocaine addicts out there will agree with me.

In 2000, I got involved with another lady. She was quite a personality – always on the wild side. We went steady for a year after which one small incident resulted in our break-up.

Once when her parents weren’t at home, and she had the keys to her father’s car she gave me a call.

“Yeah, Jammy here.” I remember saying.

‘I want to have sex in my father’s car.” She sounded husky.

“Sure. When?”

“Can you drop by at 6 p.m.?” Her voice had dropped down to a whisper. She always did this to get the best out of me.

I agreed to come by and was in front of her house at 5.45 p.m. itself. In the next fifteen minutes I would come to know that she wanted me to just drive the car around the city while she had sex in the backseat. Now, when I think back I guess the guy’s name was “Oh Yeah”. For, I remember the girl repeating his name throughout the long drive.

It took me a while to realize that I had been dumped. A man can get into a shell on such occasions. There are different phases through which a man has to pass before he can come out of such moments and one of them is being a part of self-help groups. Since I had a feeling I had become impotent, I joined The Impotent Brothers in Arms (IBA) – a self help group that operated in Chennai. I had to leave it after the moderator asked us to raise our hands if we disagreed to one of the points being discussed. I would have stayed back, if one of the heartless participants hadn`t remarked: “Thank God, you asked us to raise our hands.”

After I gained back my confidence, I decided to get married. Today, I am a happily married man – which in other words means that I am not aware of the latest trends in the world of sex. In short, by the time you are done getting better at sex thanks to your patience and practice life has taken away the opportunities from you.

Now, when I look back at 20 years of my sex life I can confidently say: “Yes! I have tried my hand at that.”


How sex between husband and wife gets affected because of kids

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Bill Cosby, George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Peter Russell – what’s common among them all? For the not-so-trained-an-eye, it would seem as if the common thing between them is the lack of sex in their lives.

Do you know why only stand up comedians don’t get enough sex? Let me let you in on a little secret. Nobody gets enough of it but it is only the stand-up comedian who complains about it in front of a crowd.

One doesn’t need to be an acclaimed stand up comedian for your sex life to be screwed up….it is enough if you are an aspiring stand up comedian as well.

I remember we would have a go at it at every available opportunity. Just so you are aware, once we celebrated Rekha making round rotis (for my non-Indian readers, that’s bread) with a half hour session on the cemented floor. I also remember the time when we had successfully carried a table fan bought from Saravana store, T-Nagar, Chennai – on my bike me riding and Rekha sitting behind me and holding the table fan. Though tired to the bone, we celebrated the moment we were home by switching on the table fan and enjoying in its fresh breeze.

Back then it was spontaneous. And back then, it was more.

Nowadays, things have changed. Only yesterday, I was with Rekha as she was making the morning tea and said: “When we got married you didn’t know cooking. Remember, how I taught you to cook?”

“Where are you going with this?”

“Nowhere. Just wanted you to NOT forget your teacher,” I insisted.

“Just in case you don’t know tonight is the night. Do you want to mess it up?”

I backed off. Got into my shell. I hadn’t known that tonight was going to be the night. Now that I knew I couldn’t risk it. When Rekha says such a thing, it is as if the court has given a date, and one has to keep it, else it gets pushed back by another week.

“No, I don’t want to mess it up Rekha,” I said. Then I took my cup of tea and went and sat down where I had the least chances of running into Rekha – near the books.

After two hours, I slowly walked towards Rekha and asked: “Is the breakfast ready?”

“It will be ready soon.”

“OK,” is all I could say before going and sitting next to the books again. An hour later – at 10 am – I got my breakfast.

If Rekha hadn’t told me at 7 am that tonight was the night I was going to get lucky, I would have known anyway – around 12 noon.

My wife doesn’t know that I have read the signs and can now predict with 99% accuracy if I am going to get lucky or not. The remaining 1% is when we end up watching a Richard Gere or George Clooney movie after lunch or dinner and suddenly Rekha starts hating me. She still repents not marrying a Hollywood hunk.

This is how sex between husband and wife gets affected because of kids

12 noon: Rekha asks me, “You aren’t shaving today is it? You know, you should shave on weekends so that you can avoid the Monday rush.”

12.15 pm: Rekha tries hard to get our daughter Rhea to finish her lunch by 12.30 pm and sleep off by 1 pm max.

12.30 pm-2.00 pm: Rhea doesn’t understand our emergency and continues to play around in the bed. Initially, it looks cute but with time she starts looking like a monster who doesn’t want you to get close to your wife. Sometimes it even appears as if she is doing it on purpose. Around 1.30 pm the patience wears off and both Rekha and I start scolding her to sleep. By 2 pm, both of us have forgotten about making love and are more concerned that Rhea sleeps off early so that we can have our lunch.

2.20 pm: We are just winding up our lunch, while watching TV and Rekha says: “You want to postpone it?” I chuckle as if we are talking of Olympics, which need to be postponed because the stadiums aren’t ready. But most of the time I agree with an “In the night then?”

3.00 pm: We are both lying in bed tired and full of food. We are glad that it isn’t over yet. At least, there is something to look forward to.

3.30 pm: Rekha has slept and I am thinking….why couldn’t it be possible twice? Why not now and then again in the evening? Since when did that stop happening. I don’t even remember it now.

4.30 pm: The alarm goes off and the whole family is out of bed. The first thing that comes out of my mouth as I get up and look at Rekha: “In the night then, huh?” She agrees. But I can already see she is repenting it. She would have preferred finishing it off in the afternoon so that it doesn’t hang over her head as the Damocles Sword.

5.30 pm: I approach my wife, “Pratap just called….said he wanted to catch up over a beer. You have any plans?” Rekha shoots down the plan saying she doesn’t like the smell of beer and I will have to choose between Pratap and her. I call up Pratap to say that wife had already planned a shopping trip and I won’t be able to join for beer.

6.30 pm: Rekha approaches me and asks, “You haven’t shaved yet?” I tell her that I was going to in the next ten minutes at which she quips: “In that case, you might also want to take a bath.”

6.45 pm: I shave and reach out to Rekha to let her know. She responds with: “You still understand that we might not do it at all today, right? What if Rhea sleeps late tonight?” I respond with, “Yes I know. I just shaved now to avoid the Monday morning rush.”

7 pm: Rekha decides that it is time to wash the bedsheets and pillow covers in our bedroom. She changes them with a fresh set even as Rhea and I watch her indulge in the activity.

7.30 pm: Rhea’s dinner time starts early today. It is scheduled for 8 pm but today it starts at 7.30 pm. This is to provision for that extra 30 minutes needed to squeeze in “love making” into the daily schedule.

8.00 pm: Rhea is still eating…

8.30 pm: Rhea has reached her dessert.

9.00 pm: Rhea’s 15 minutes of post-dinner Tom & Jerry session has just begun.

9.30 pm: Rhea’s 15 minutes of post-dinner Tom & Jerry session has got extended by another 15 minutes for the third time.

9.45 pm: Rekha and I are losing our patience. And Rhea isn’t sleeping. It looks like a close finish – will we be able to make it? The huge question hangs in balance.

10.00 pm: TV has been switched off and Rhea has agreed to hold her mother’s hands and sleep.

10.10 pm: Because she wasn’t closing her eyes, Rhea gets scolded by her mother. Now she isn’t friends with mother, but friends with her father, so now she is trying to sleep holding her father’s hands.

10.20 pm: Slight nasal snoring indicates a child with common cold has finally hit the bed and has started sleeping. Both Rekha and I watch ‘The Big Bang Theory’ for 15 minutes just to be sure Rhea has slept well.

10.45 pm: Rekha opens up first, “Do we really want it today?”

I nod my head.

“After dinner or before?” She asks.

“Hmm…difficult question…its almost 11 and I am hungry as hell.” I say.

“I know. Me too.” For once my wife and I agree on something.

“But will anything change after dinner? We might be done with dinner only by 11.30 pm and you shouldn’t say its really late and all that.” I make sure I am not going to miss today’s sex.

Rekha said: “Frankly, even now I am not 100% decided, so lets have dinner and hope for the best.”

Thirty minutes later, we leave Rhea sleeping in our main bedroom and move to the second bedroom. As I close the curtains in the room, I see my neighbor standing in his balcony staring in my direction. He grins and gives me a thumbs up sign. If I were him, I would also have done the same – why else would somebody pull the curtains close at 11 in the night.

As I walk to the bed, my mobile phone buzzes….it is a Facebook notification. My neighbor from the balcony has updated his Facebook status and tagged me as well. His update reads: “Predicted right for the 37th time. He gets lucky tonight!”

P.S: But we seem to be one of the lucky couples. I know one that send an Outlook Calendar invite to each other, when they need to make love.

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Why I thought Clitoris was Greek God and Dick was Duck’s brother

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Sex in India is different from the rest of the World. While we invent/discover/write kamasutras….we hide Debonairs and Playboys under our beds, yet to the world we are like: “Sex? Sorry, we are Indians.”

The other day, Rekha saw a chat message from my ex-girlfriend and caught me: “Who is she?”

““Ah! Just a friend.”

“Have you slept with her?” She was furious.

“Not a bit Rekha. We were up all night.”

Why are we Indians scared to talk about our sex lives? I mean, in my case it was different, I couldn’t have discussed my sex session with my ex-girlfriend to my wife, but I am talking about an average Indian.

For long my parents made me think that Clitoris was a Greek God and Dick was a type of bird related to Duck. But I wasn’t to be cowed down. By the time I was 22, I knew what both of these words meant.

After years of reading about it and watching it, one thing about sex has baffled me. Why is it that it is almost always the woman who screams while having sex. Whats wrong with the men? Why shouldn’t the men be screaming as well? As for the women, they scream louder when you walk in on them while cheating.

Then again, I think you should know that I am not against cheating women. In fact in the last two years or so I have not been up against any kind of naked women. At least, not as often as I would have loved to.

While on the subject, have you heard of the man who used to steal under garments from houses? When caught & told by the judge that anything he said would be held against him, he said: “Jennifer Aniston’s breasts.”

The judge laughed for so long that he thought it wise to let the criminal go. But before letting the criminal go the judge asked him: “So what will you do once I let you go?”

The criminal said: “I will go home and rip my wife’s bra apart. The tight elastic is making breathing difficult for me.”

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Top sex…oops…top six Rakhi Sawant jokes

Rakhi Sawant Sex Jokes

Who doesn’t love Rakhi Sawant? If you don’t know Ms Rakhi Sawant, don’t worry for these Rakhi Sawant jokes can be enjoyed even if you don’t know her.

And if you are really keen in knowing Rakhi Sawant before checking out her jokes, I suggest you check out Wikipedia’s link on her – Rakhi on Wiki.

“I Love Sea Food, Specially Porns”
~ Rakhi Sawant


“For God’s sex, stop making fun of my English.”
~ Rakhi Sawant


“I went to Dentist to show my Tits.”

~ Rakhi Sawant


Media: “Aap Kitni Padhi Likhi Ho?”

Rakhi Sawant: “Zyaada Nahi.. Bas Inter-Course Kiya Hai…!!”


“This year I am standing for Erections”

~ Rakhi Sawant


If you will give me chance I will give my breast.
~ Rakhi Sawant

Got some interesting Rakhi Sawant jokes? Do leave them in the comment.


Making Love vs Having Sex

I remember one of the fairer sexes recently commenting on this blog, that blog posts on ‘sex` are increasing with my age. Let me point her to a category called SEX on Ouchmytoe (man…that sounded like sex on toast!), where the most recent post is ‘Jammy`s Sex life exposed!,` written as early as 18th Feb, 2007 and the one before that was ‘One month overdue!` written on 19th Sept, 2006.

Anyway, this blog post is not about sex…it is about making love. Ask any girl and she will tell you that ‘making love` and ‘having sex` are different. ‘Having sex` is what we men are after…and ‘making love` is what we are forced to call it because that`s what the girl likes to call it.

Here is proof that men are being forcefully initiated into the habit of “making love” and not “having sex” even before they know what sex is. Why else would a Google search for ‘How to have sex` show lesser results (32,100,000 results) than a Google search for ‘How to make love` (54,700,000 results)?

Man has adapted to the needs of the woman. Now, when he ventures out to impress a lady, he suppresses all his urges and does what the lady wants. He makes love. Making love to a lady is a delicate act….and like anything delicate…it is tough on the untrained man. Unlike making a bed, making love isn`t all about bedsheets & pillows & their positions.

The other day I was making love with a lady. We felt as if we were the center of the universe and everything (and everybody) was revolving around us. Thankfully, all doors & windows were closed and no one was looking at us. The moment was intense. I think that`s when I looked into the girl`s eyes…stared deep into them… and asked: “Are you squint eyed?”

She didn`t respond. And after that I couldn`t get close enough to the girl, to check out if she really had squint eyes. That`s the thing about making love. When a man makes love he is forced to use words that angels use. Words that he would never use when not high on the potent drink called testosterone. Here are some examples:

  • [Name of the girl], I love you sooooooo much. (To which the girl will respond with a longer sooooooooooooooo)
  • [Name of the girl], promise me you will never leave me and go? (Trust me, at that point the guy means it)
  • [Name of the girl], you are the best thing that has happened to me. (So Smitha Tandon was the second best?!)
  • [Name of the girl], you know what…I can die in your arms right now. (I can almost hear the girl say: “Don`t buddy…what do I tell the police…how should I explain a naked corpse in a sub-urban hotel…in the middle of the night?”)
  • Men who don`t make love but have sex, don`t talk like angels. But they mean what they say.

    If you are a man that likes to have sex but are caught up with a lady who wants to make love…be careful about what you say.

    Making love or having sex…there are certain things that should never be said.

  • [Name of the girl], what is that in your eye? Didn`t wash your face properly in the morning? (But this is definitely better than asking her to pick her nose)
  • [Name of the girl], do you have a skin problem? Suddenly, I am itching all over. (Even if you end up asking…don`t ask where she has kept the Odomos)
  • [Name of the girl], I always wanted to be a porn star. Want to make our own video for the personal collection? (Even if she agrees, don`t upload it on and embed the video on your blog)
  • [Name of the girl], do you love me or are you doing this just for the money? (Beware, what if she tells the truth?)
  • [Name of the girl], I love to have sex with you. (Remember, it is always about making love!)
  • Ladies & Gentlemen, anything I missed our here?

    Other Funny Reads

    # Growth Pangs – for a 30+ man
    # Male sex organs (U Certificate)
    # How Indian wives take their husbands for a ride
    # Encounters of the third kind
    # Sending off a girl to Mumbai


    Male sex organs (U Certificate)

    Male sexual organs. Yes, that`s what this post is about. You are probably thinking why you should be reading this…well here are my reasons.

    You are probably a male but don`t know that and need to be told. Or you are a lady and need to be told about male sexual organs, anyway.

    Male Sexual Organs

    Just in case you didn’t know where to find male sexual organs

    Before I sat down to write this article, I did my bit of research. I rented 13 porn movies – two of them had interesting names: ‘The Extra Testicle,` a spoof on Steven Spielberg`s science fiction movie ET , and ‘Inspect Her Gadget,` a spoof on the Hollywood movie Inspector Gadget.

    I didn`t really learn much about the male sex organs from the porn movies, because most of the time the focus was on the female sex organ. When I checked with my friend he said that it could be because the target market for porn movies was a male anywhere from 13 years to 90 years old and with nothing to do. Understandable.

    For those of you that don`t know the male sex organ consists of Ureter, Seminal Vesicles, Vas Deferens, Prostate Gland, Urethra, Testes & Scrotum…we expand them further:

    • Ureter – The narrator (I noticed it rhymes) of the announcement of a full bladder
    • Seminal Vesicles – It is the point of origin of all seamen. Wonder why they didn`t name it ‘Ship` or ‘Submarine`.
    • Vas Deferens – Definitely not a French restaurant. Instead, more of a captain of the ship because its job is to push the seamen forward.
    • Prostate Gland – Since women don`t even have this gland, do you really care what it actually is? (Seriously, only men have prostrate glands)
    • Urethra – More like an asshole without the ass. More here
    • Testes – The real test of manhood, not because it is the sperm factory but because a hit here means 18 stars (that`s how many I saw)
    • Scrotum – Unfortunately not a recycle bag.

    Dear women, what you don`t know and we don`t show on our faces is that we men live in fear each day. Each visit outside the house involves saving our sexual organs from leather cricket balls, table corners, lamp post, small children, swinging hands, lady`s purses, lady`s bent knee etc.

    We men really don`t make a big deal about this, but it really pains. Forget childbirth pains….have you ever seen ex-India captain Sourav Ganguly writhe in pain after being hit by a cricket ball? Now, don`t you ask me where….for I won`t say “Eden Gardens”…instead say, “on the male sexual organ”.

    Other Funny Reads

    # Baby sitting isn`t a nice profession
    # Battle of the sexes: Father vs mother
    # Flirting with an air hostess with a baby in hand
    # How Indian wives take their husbands for a ride
    # Television – my new friend, philosopher & guide
    # Shopping for my baby daughter


    Study Reveals Why Monkeys Shout During Sex

    Research reveals that female monkeys shout during sex

    to help their male partners climax. Helpful ladies, one must say.

    According to the research a type of monkey – Barbary macaques (Macaca sylvanus) almost never ejaculated when the ladies were not loud. Man…I am so glad this isn`t true for we humans. The Human race would have been extinct by now. To read the complete story, Click Here

    While you are at it, you might also want to view this slideshow about the world`s top ten Aphrodisiacs – the topmost being ‘Respect`. Click Here