Getting better at sex takes patience and practice

Sex between a man and woman could be great – provided you get between the right man and woman. – Woody Allen

They say that getting better at sex takes patience and practice. I can vouch for that because in the last 25 years I have been through a lot of sexual disasters.

Till I was 19, I was more familiar with different parts of my city than my own body. Arrival of Shalini Menon in my life changed everything. No, we didn’t have sex. Her father owned a Video cassette store (way back in 1995, VCDs and DVDs weren’t available) and she stole a membership card to gift me on my birthday. That was when I started renting ‘A’ rated movies and gained a deep understanding of my body.

I don’t remember the first time I had actual sex – primarily because they didn’t give receipts back then. All I remember is that I was visiting Mumbai and I was drunk. I also vaguely remember that all the girls wanted to make out with me, which means it must have been a whorehouse.

Unfortunately, sex is a very addictive game. I warn those of you who are yet to play the game of sex. Try out cocaine instead. It is cheaper and you can give up whenever you want.

When back in Madurai – which is a lot more conservative and one needs to be friends with a flashy pimp to get anywhere – I was forced to try out phone sex. I had to stop it when I realized that getting a girlfriend was cheaper. Besides, I also got an infection due to too much of phone sex, and with different partners. I still wonder if I can label it STD – not Standard Truck Dial silly…Sexually Transmitted Disease.

By 1997, I had a girlfriend of my own. For the next two years I paid emotionally for sex. Quite a price to pay for sex twice a week.

With time I realized that sex was all about being in the right situation. If you were a man, you didn’t need a situation, just a place was enough. But if you were a woman, a lot of factors contributed to the trigger. To present a metaphor, sex for women is like fire. For it to begin one needs to provide the right amount of oxygen (money), fuel (money) and the spark to ignite (money). If you notice, after the fire is over nothing remains.

Maybe that’s why, the US based comedian Alonzo Bodden has this famous quote listed against his name: “They are working on Viagra for women. Are they crazy? It has been around for 100s of years – it is called cash.”

If my memory serves me right I think I gave up both phone sex and sex with girlfriend due to huge bills. I am not too sure though for when you are an addict, your ability to reason and remember you reasoning comes down drastically. I am sure, all cocaine addicts out there will agree with me.

In 2000, I got involved with another lady. She was quite a personality – always on the wild side. We went steady for a year after which one small incident resulted in our break-up.

Once when her parents weren’t at home, and she had the keys to her father’s car she gave me a call.

“Yeah, Jammy here.” I remember saying.

‘I want to have sex in my father’s car.” She sounded husky.

“Sure. When?”

“Can you drop by at 6 p.m.?” Her voice had dropped down to a whisper. She always did this to get the best out of me.

I agreed to come by and was in front of her house at 5.45 p.m. itself. In the next fifteen minutes I would come to know that she wanted me to just drive the car around the city while she had sex in the backseat. Now, when I think back I guess the guy’s name was “Oh Yeah”. For, I remember the girl repeating his name throughout the long drive.

It took me a while to realize that I had been dumped. A man can get into a shell on such occasions. There are different phases through which a man has to pass before he can come out of such moments and one of them is being a part of self-help groups. Since I had a feeling I had become impotent, I joined The Impotent Brothers in Arms (IBA) – a self help group that operated in Chennai. I had to leave it after the moderator asked us to raise our hands if we disagreed to one of the points being discussed. I would have stayed back, if one of the heartless participants hadn`t remarked: “Thank God, you asked us to raise our hands.”

After I gained back my confidence, I decided to get married. Today, I am a happily married man – which in other words means that I am not aware of the latest trends in the world of sex. In short, by the time you are done getting better at sex thanks to your patience and practice life has taken away the opportunities from you.

Now, when I look back at 20 years of my sex life I can confidently say: “Yes! I have tried my hand at that.”