There has always been a huge communication problem between men and women in India – and the issue is more prevalent amongst men and women who own trucks. It is usual for women to not feel the need to stop and for men to not feel the need to start – talking, that is.
This inability to communicate has taken totally different dimension in the last 50 years or so. OK, let me not keep the suspense any longer.
Yesterday I broke into the trusted circle of Women Truck owners, and was let in on a 50-year old secret – that men and women have been communicating with each other by writing messages on the back of the trucks they owned.
I asked the Lady truck owner who had let me in on the secret, “How did it all begin?” Thats when she narrated the whole story.
She said: ” Way back in 1960, we Indian women were a bit traditional and shy and our Truck owning husbands had one major crib – they weren’t getting enough blow jobs.”
“And then?” I enquired.
“That is when the Truck Owners Association of Men figured out a way to communicate it to their wives – they decided to write ‘Blow Horn’ behind their trucks.”
“How did that help?” I was confused.
“You see the Indian men were shy too. Back then, our trucks used to be backed up in front of our houses and all the wives could see this message aimed at them every day.”
Brilliant idea, I thought to myself. And to ensure she didn’t stop I asked her: “How did you guys respond to that?”
“We also have a Truckers Association for Women…and we decided to respond with an appropriate message – we wrote ‘Keep Distance’ behind our trucks and let them lose on the roads.”
It was interesting. The women were retaliating. I couldn’t let her stop now, so I asked: “And then?”
“The obnoxious creatures that men are, they responded back by writing ‘Use Dipper at Night.’ You need to understand that by now, the war of words had spilled over to our houses as well.” I could see the anger writ large on the woman’s face.
“Did you guys get what the men meant by ‘Use Dipper at Night’? And did it help turn around the marital life?” I goaded her.
“We understood what they meant. But it made marital life worse. We women decided to not give them any sex for months.”
“And then?” I was finding it difficult to keep a straight face.
“Then, what we waited. And when we didn’t get any reply for six months, to rub it in, we got ‘Horn OK Please’ painted on our trucks…questioning them if their so called HORN was OK.”
“Wow…did this help? The men would have got angry?”
“Bullshit…they came back to us on all fours – not exactly all fours, but still. As an apology they got ‘we two ours two’ painted on their trucks.”
“And then? Did that bring the men and women together?” I asked her.
At my question the lady smiled. Apparently after reading this message, the women understood that their husbands were back on track and wanted to raise a cute little family with their wives. Needless to say, everybody was back together again and lived happily ever after.
Sex between a man and woman could be great – provided you get between the right man and woman. – Woody Allen
They say that getting better at sex takes patience and practice. I can vouch for that because in the last 25 years I have been through a lot of sexual disasters.
Till I was 19, I was more familiar with different parts of my city than my own body. Arrival of Shalini Menon in my life changed everything. No, we didn’t have sex. Her father owned a Video cassette store (way back in 1995, VCDs and DVDs weren’t available) and she stole a membership card to gift me on my birthday. That was when I started renting ‘A’ rated movies and gained a deep understanding of my body.
I don’t remember the first time I had actual sex – primarily because they didn’t give receipts back then. All I remember is that I was visiting Mumbai and I was drunk. I also vaguely remember that all the girls wanted to make out with me, which means it must have been a whorehouse.
Unfortunately, sex is a very addictive game. I warn those of you who are yet to play the game of sex. Try out cocaine instead. It is cheaper and you can give up whenever you want.
When back in Madurai – which is a lot more conservative and one needs to be friends with a flashy pimp to get anywhere – I was forced to try out phone sex. I had to stop it when I realized that getting a girlfriend was cheaper. Besides, I also got an infection due to too much of phone sex, and with different partners. I still wonder if I can label it STD – not Standard Truck Dial silly…Sexually Transmitted Disease.
By 1997, I had a girlfriend of my own. For the next two years I paid emotionally for sex. Quite a price to pay for sex twice a week.
With time I realized that sex was all about being in the right situation. If you were a man, you didn’t need a situation, just a place was enough. But if you were a woman, a lot of factors contributed to the trigger. To present a metaphor, sex for women is like fire. For it to begin one needs to provide the right amount of oxygen (money), fuel (money) and the spark to ignite (money). If you notice, after the fire is over nothing remains.
Maybe that’s why, the US based comedian Alonzo Bodden has this famous quote listed against his name: “They are working on Viagra for women. Are they crazy? It has been around for 100s of years – it is called cash.”
If my memory serves me right I think I gave up both phone sex and sex with girlfriend due to huge bills. I am not too sure though for when you are an addict, your ability to reason and remember you reasoning comes down drastically. I am sure, all cocaine addicts out there will agree with me.
In 2000, I got involved with another lady. She was quite a personality – always on the wild side. We went steady for a year after which one small incident resulted in our break-up.
Once when her parents weren’t at home, and she had the keys to her father’s car she gave me a call.
“Yeah, Jammy here.” I remember saying.
‘I want to have sex in my father’s car.” She sounded husky.
“Can you drop by at 6 p.m.?” Her voice had dropped down to a whisper. She always did this to get the best out of me.
I agreed to come by and was in front of her house at 5.45 p.m. itself. In the next fifteen minutes I would come to know that she wanted me to just drive the car around the city while she had sex in the backseat. Now, when I think back I guess the guy’s name was “Oh Yeah”. For, I remember the girl repeating his name throughout the long drive.
It took me a while to realize that I had been dumped. A man can get into a shell on such occasions. There are different phases through which a man has to pass before he can come out of such moments and one of them is being a part of self-help groups. Since I had a feeling I had become impotent, I joined The Impotent Brothers in Arms (IBA) – a self help group that operated in Chennai. I had to leave it after the moderator asked us to raise our hands if we disagreed to one of the points being discussed. I would have stayed back, if one of the heartless participants hadn`t remarked: “Thank God, you asked us to raise our hands.”
After I gained back my confidence, I decided to get married. Today, I am a happily married man – which in other words means that I am not aware of the latest trends in the world of sex. In short, by the time you are done getting better at sex thanks to your patience and practice life has taken away the opportunities from you.
Now, when I look back at 20 years of my sex life I can confidently say: “Yes! I have tried my hand at that.”
I was reading a news item in The Telegraph yesterday, and apparently, there are at least 300 positions in sex. Oops, that didn`t come out as intended. Let me retry. I was reading a news item in The Telegraph yesterday, and apparently, there are at least 300 positions available in the British sex industry.
How do I know? Because an “adult chat line company” has advertised all over the United Kingdom for these 300+ positions, and it is being discussed in the British Parliament as well.
Anyway, I would like to seize this opportunity and share with you the fact that the porn industry has a major role to play in Ouchmytoe.com’s presence. Here is how:
When I was in class seven, in Kendriya Vidhyalaya Ballygunge, Kolkata, a few of my classmates had access to ‘Baywatch`. This was way before Priyanka Chopra got associated with ‘Baywatch’.
Every day these privileged kids would discuss ‘Baywatch’ and its star Pamela Anderson and the rest of the kids, which included me, would listen in rapt attention. With time, the discussions turned to soft porn, and then hardcore. I had access to these concepts of sex only through the four friends who watched ‘Baywatch’ at home. It was as if I was Dhritarashtra and there were four Sanjays explaining to me what sex was.
Things didn’t change when I was 16 years old. Not having seen porn till I was 16 was a huge cause for concern. I think that`s why I couldn`t be a good student or a good son. Maybe that`s why I used to steal the centre-spreads of magazines as docile as Grih Shobha. And maybe that`s why I wanted to become a cameraman of a porn movie once I grew up. Needless to say, I kept my ambition a secret and whenever elders asked the obnoxious question, I said: “I want to become a doctor when I grow up!”
My life changed in the second year of college – that`s 1996. One rich classmate took me to a cyber cafe and showed me how nirvana could be attained inside a 2-feet-by-2-feet cubicle of a cyber cafe. I might as well have taken up sniffing cocaine…at least I could have taken refuge in a Drug Rehabilitation Center.
Having seen porn up close, by now I had realized that being a camera man in a porn movie wasn`t that good an idea. Now, I wanted to be the hero of the movie. I immediately subscribed for ‘Employment News,` a weekly newspaper that came up with a list of job opportunities available. Three weeks later, I came to know that recruitment for the porn industry happened in the dark alleys and not via ‘Employment News`. I did try hanging around dark alleys and spending time with drug dealers but to no avail.
On my last day in a dark alley, I did meet a porn movie director who was willing to make me the hero of his movie.
Everything was going on well, when he asked, “What is your take on horses?”
“I like horses,” I said.
Even before I had finished my sentence, I knew what he was getting at. I fled the spot like a race horse which wanted to pee and never come back.
Back then, if you visited a porn site, you could only see pictures and that too after wading through a list of directories with blue hyperlinks & avoiding traps that would cheekily ask you for your credit card details. That the internet speeds were pathetic helped collection & cooperation among the connoisseurs of the art called ‘watching porn`. The full image would download in 3-4 minutes and even before it had downloaded half, one would start trying out the right click of the mouse to save it in the appropriate folder. The folders were mostly named – Asian, Latinos, Blacks, Celebs, Straight, Lesbians etc. Those that were creative named their folders Hardly-Can-See, Can-See-Little, Lots-to-See, Anna Kournikova, Bombs-Not-For-Kids etc.
Since accessing & downloading the photos was a costly and time-consuming affair, true connoisseurs of the art opted for co-option. “You give me what you got….and I will give you what I have got.” And the World was one friendly place. I think the rejection of Floppy Disks and quick adoption of CDs (in less than a year) was because of this need to share & store sexy photos for posterity.
As a BA Economics third year student, I saw immense potential in the porn industry – I mean 52% of the World`s population was our potential customers. And the other 48% (women) could continue to lie, but who were we to complain as long as a cash registers continued to ring?
With no prior experience, I didn`t know how I could create a porn industry start up. Does one start with foreplay? Or does one rush right into it? That`s when I had realized that both a relationship and an entrepreneurial venture raise the same set of questions.
I laid out my plan in front of my friends. The idea was to start a porn website for Indians, with Indian content. Once our plan was ready, we shared it with our Micro Economics Professor, who liked the idea and said he was willing to head the Quality Control Department. In fact, the good Samaritan that he was, he offered his time for free.
“But sir, what about ethics? Is starting a porn website OK? Aren`t we screwing up people`s lives?”
That`s when he said something that changed my outlook towards the porn industry forever. He said: “Gentlemen, three things. If it weren`t for porn, our streets would be a lot more dangerous for our women.”
“And the second, Sir?”
“If it weren`t for porn, our men would have never known what to do when they met a lady.”
“And the third, sir?”
“Incidents like the holocaust, world wars, nuclear bombs, Amway, Tupperware dealership etc have screwed more people than the porn industry ever can.”
We were excited by the professor`s encouragement and immediately promised to make him the head of our Quality Control department.
We were working on the execution plan when we came to know that someone else had gone live with an India-specific porn site called Desibaba.com. It was a mere coincidence that he was the Micro Economics Professor`s ex-student. To make matters worse, the site had already caught on among Indians both in India and abroad. We dropped our plan to start a porn website and for our daily supplies, started depending on desibaba.com.
After college, I joined The Indian Express. After being a sports journalist with them for a year and a half, where I almost always dreamt of starting a classy porn newspaper, I quit.
Actually, the trigger for me quitting was a discussion with my father.
“How are the people at the newspaper?”
“OK dad. Not as classy as one would expect, but alright.”
“Always make it a point to stick around classy people. We don`t have class in our family…so we need classy people around us. It rubs on, you know?”
“Sure, dad. I agree.”
“You just agree or you doing something about it?”
“Yes dad. I am doing something about it. I am moving to the porn industry. I have heard people are classier there.”
“How so? Porn industry is all about writing erotic articles and publishing them on paper even the cows would refuse to eat. Right?”
“No dad. It has changed a lot since your times. We no longer read literature. A few years back we had still images but now there are videos too.”
“What? Videos? Where can I see them?”
That day Ouchmytoe.com was started with the intention of making it the classiest porn site in the World. And we are slowly getting there. Hold your horses!