Funny farewell speech for colleagues while leaving office

Here is the farewell speech I delivered at my office in Sify at 5.15 p.m on 27th of December 2004.

This speech was delivered in front of all my office colleagues when I had decided to move on from what had been my daily job for four years – taking care of Sify’s Sports portal.

I probably did not speak out the whole speech that follows because I was sad that I was leaving and I am never good with goodbyes. Also, my colleagues knew I was funny…so the high expectations also tied me down.

Some of the jokes in this humorous farewell speech are occupational (i.e., only people working with me will understand) so ignore it and move on.

The Funny farewell speech for colleagues

Hi all,

I am quite disappointed that that I am leaving Sify and there are no demonstrations. No self-immolations. Nothing. To top it, none of my colleagues who spoke about me choked with emotion.

Before I start, let me warn you, I am quite an emotional guy…and there have been numerous times when I have choked with affection for Vinesh Nair and Anand Nair (actually I hate having arguments with them coz most often I don`t win). So, if I choke today just ignore. Probably, I swallowed the chewing gum.

I will really miss this place. You probably think how can somebody miss Tidel Park…it is such a big building and can be seen by the naked eye. But I am honest. I promise.

I love this place. No, it has got nothing to do with my colleague Rekha who is now my wife….that was just office work that tragically snowballed into marriage. This is perhaps, the biggest reason why I cannot forget Sify. On second thoughts…it is she who will not let me forget.

This is one place, where I could multi-task. I could chat, be on the phone and at the same time check those really funny forwarded mails. And of course work.

As for work, it would happen on the sly. My bosses here Salim & Robin would not even know that I worked. They were so busy in their own Worlds.

Now I will never be able to watch TV at work. Arun will never come running to tell the scores stopped working an hour back, or Anand Nair will never come running to point out a wrong link, or Salim will never walk over to discuss a possible opinion poll….Karthick will never come up with requests like “Hey, don`t upload anything on CMS for the next one hour.” TK will not walk up to me for Sachin`s images…I won’t be walking up to Kounts to clarify doubts on the 80s cricket….there would be no Vinesh in my new office to teach me the nuances of Formula One….No Piush to check if the Samachar feature was updated, there will be no JC to stand between me and my new ventures, there will be no Sumitran with his “Hi Jammy, As Requested” mails ….and no Praveen Charlie to give me marital advice. And yeah, no Sify Digital studio!

It would be a tough 1-2 months before I would really start liking my new job. I will be entering into a totally alien area – corporate communication. I know nothing about it. Wonder how I even got through. As for my job profile there I would be into both internal and external communication. I hope at least my mails are opened unlike David Appaswamy`s (he is the CCO of my company).

On a serious note, Sify is an awesome place to work. Even as I leave to join another company, I envy you all.

By the way, this farewell speech of mine is available on for Rs 50.

– Your funny ex-colleague, who is leaving this job today and moving on to a new assignment.

Recommended Reading: Funny farewell mail for colleagues on last day in office


Funny farewell mail for colleagues on last day in office

On Nov 9, I put in my papers (in some countries this is also known as resignation) at Satyam Computers (now Tech Mahindra). I was now moving to Yahoo! and looking forward to it.

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No, it wasn`t how Hollywood actors or a Bollywood actors like Amitabh Bachchan or a Vijay Shanti (of Telugu films) would submit their resignation letters and announce their last working day. Instead, it was quite a sober affair. After all leaving your colleagues is a sober affair. I mailed my reporting manager that I was resigning and he promptly accepted. No dharnas, no self-immolation threats and no protests on the road. Pity.

Since the next day was going to be my last day at Satyam Computers before I bid adieu, and I had to send in my last email to my colleagues, I was spending my night on it. I was working on an informal, creative and yet witty farewell email for my colleagues when a thought occurred to me: “Has somebody ever written a funny farewell mail for their colleagues?”

On Googling, I found this funny farewell mail written by Chris Kula, a comedy writer in New York City.

Here is the extremely funny goodbye email written by Chris Kula after he resigned.

Best funny farewell mail for colleagues on last day in office

Dear Co-Workers,

As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type “Today is my last day.”

For nearly as long as I`ve worked here, I`ve hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.

I would especially like to thank all of my managers: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake – it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.

Over the past three years, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects – an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.

Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, “mostly satisfactory.” That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after even a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of mostly satisfactory scotch.

And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.

But to those few souls with whom I`ve actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:

To Rudy: I will always remember sharing lunch with you, despite having clearly labeled it with my name.

To Steven: I will miss detecting your flatulence as much as you will clearly miss walking past my cubicle to deliver it.

To Eileen: Best wishes on your ongoing campaign to popularize these “email forwards.” I sincerely hope you receive that weekend full of good luck, that hug from an old friend, and that baby for your dusty womb.

To Felix: I left a new wristwatch on your desk. It is so that you might be able to still tell time even without your hourly phone call to let me know the copier is jammed. (Call Steven – he`ll come by.)

And finally, to Kat: you were right – I tested positive. We`ll talk later.

So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the individual who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience like a sponge and soak it up like a good woman, because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.

Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.

Very truly yours,
Chris Kula

Recommended Reading: Funny farewell speech for colleagues while leaving office

Hope liked this last day’s funny farewell email. If you know of any more such funny farewell mail for colleagues on last day in office, please leave a message in the comments.

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Funny answers to question “What do you bring to the table?”

If you have ever been interviewed, you will know the dreaded question asked by the representative of the Human resources department: “What do you bring to the table?”

This is a tough question to answer. Especially if it is asked between “Tell me about yourself” and “Why should we hire you?.” I have been guilty of asking these questions, myself. Now I can’t think of these questions without a smile lighting up my face.

There is a world of advice around the question “What do you bring to the table.” For instance, they say “If you can’t bring anything to the table, at least set it up.” A few others – the perennially unsatisfied ones – quip, “It is not what you bring to the table, but how you serve it that is important.”

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Some experts have said, “If you don’t bring anything to the table, give up the chair,” and then some motivational gurus have advised: “If they don’t give you a chair at the table, bring your own folding chair.” All of this makes it difficult to answer the question “What do you bring to the table?”

Today as we stand at the crossroads, with the need to outwit AI, which will soon be taking away our jobs…we need to smarten up. Every profession must dig deep and come up with a creative answer to impress the human resources lady sitting across the table.

Funny article on why my wife forces me to lie, and why I am not a big fan of marriage

Here is our humble attempt at imagining what funny answers different professionals will have.


I agree that a criminal may never be sitting in front of an HR for an interview, but I am sure they get asked this question a lot – probably by the head mafia.

Funny criminal


Doctors mostly deal with beds. Sentences such as “Get some bed rest,” “lie down on the bed and lower your trousers” are their favorites. When you deal with a doctor, it is not a question of which side of the bed you will get up from. The question is more like, “Will you get up at all?”

Funny doctor


Waiters have a special quality – the distance they are from you is inversely proportional to the amount of food on your plate. Just when you need them, they are counting the rings on Saturn. They are also a clever lot. They always walk up to us when our mouths are full and ask, ‘Sir, how is the food?” To cut-short the discussion, even as we munch on the mutton (or broccoli!), all we can do is give a thumb-up sign and send him off happy.

Funny waiter

Software Engineers

Software engineers are guilty of the biggest crime in this World. They invented computers to save our time, which then led to mobiles and today all the time we waste is on these two gadgets. So much for foresight!

Funny Software Engineer


When I was growing up my father used to take me along whenever he went to watch pole dancing. I would be intrigued. I would ask, “Father, why are these women dancing around a pole?” Without blinking an eye, he would reply: “They are training to be firemen.” As a result my whole childhood was spent thinking only women could become firemen.

Funny fireman


We all have played carpenter some time or the other in our lives – we all have got hammered and nailed someone. But the carpenters in question here are the ones that work with wood. Damn, that came out wrong again – I mean the ones that make wooden beds, tables, chairs and stools. Since we talking about carpenters, you should know that they can never show their stool samples to doctors.

Funny carpenter

Negotiations are part and parcel of life. Here is a real conversation with my boss

Database Administrators

I think database administrators are one of the most selfish of all professions. They are always talking of MySQL. I haven’t heard one database administrator who has gone on record saying, “hey, whatever differences we may have…it is alright. Let us just use YourSQL.”

Funny Database Administrator


Writers are scary. They can’t talk back, but they can add you a character in their novels and mock you for life. That is, if they can get over what is known as the writer’s block.

Funny writer


We all know that finding an honest politician is as easy as finding a virgin hooker. Probably that’s why they say that politicians are like diapers and must be changed often. The problem is, we all change our politicians often but only by falling for another fairy tale which starts with ‘Once I get elected….”

Funny Politician

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Working with lawyers is a case of morally bankrupt making you financially bankrupt. I won’t go around joking about lawyers, because then they will sue me and I will be forced to hire one of them to save me.

Funny Lawyer


To be honest, deep down we all are psychologists – just that you need a degree in psychology before we can make money out of it. For instance, if you have kids you must have tried the ‘reverse psychology method’ by asking them NOT to do something when in fact you want them to do it.

Funny Psychologist


Survival tips – both for employee & employer

I know this post is a little late. Scott Adams has been telling people how to survive at their jobs via Dilbert for the last 20 years. I don`t even have 20 years of work experience, leave alone insights that he delivers every day via 2000+ newspapers all over the World. Now, that the disclaimer is over, let me proceed with the most definitive Job survival guide on Mother Earth. My apologies dear Scott Adams. Or should I ask, “Adams, who”?

What does your employer have in mind?

Simple. Only two things: Make money. Or make money in the future. But don`t blame the employer, for we are all mercenaries too. Isn`t our motto the same? Make money now or make money after the shares have ripened?

What does your employer have in mind for you?

Your employer has three ‘carrots` for you while you are working for them. They are – a salary hike, a promotion, or a dramatic lateral shift in your job profile. These weapons are used scarcely and only when needed.

What do you have in mind for your employer?

Remember reading Maslow’s Theory of Hierarchy in college? If you haven`t, it makes sense to take a look at the pyramid shown below. It was proposed by a gentleman named Abraham Maslow, who used to beat his wife. No I am kidding – about the wife beating, of course. According to Maslow, the needs of a man (or woman) start as at the bottom of the pyramid and as & when they get full-filled…he moves on to the upper levels of the pyramid. (To know more click here)

I have taken the liberty of using Maslow`s idea and have modified it to show what motivates you during the different stages of your career. The way you work in an organization depends on which level of the pyramid you are in. Do take a look at Jammy`s Career Pyramid shown below.

Just in case you haven`t noticed this pyramid is called: Jammy`s Theory on Hierarchical needs during a career.

Your expectations from your organization will differ depending on the level of the pyramid you are on. If your organization is smart, that`s exactly what it will give you.

You are probably asking: “Wasn`t this supposed to be a funny article? Wasn`t this supposed to be about surviving at the job?” Well yes, I agree. I kind of missed the point so far. So lets move on to the supposedly funny stuff.

What can you do to survive at your job?

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. That`s precisely what you should also do. If you can smell work anywhere, just leave the spot immediately. Isn`t the logic simple – the more you do, the more your chances of making mistakes, and more the scolding from your boss.

You might have the time to walk up to the coffee machine, but it doesn`t create a good impression to be taking your own coffee. Always call up the cafeteria and ask them to deliver it to your desk…even better, if you ask it to be delivered to a meeting room. You can always visit the meeting room, and pick up your coffee after its delivered.

While moving from Location A to Location B, always carry a few sheets of paper with you. A pencil behind your ear and a white board marker in the other hand add a sense of invincibility to the persona.

When you are at work, and everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Immediately, identify an intern who has joined only two days back and blame him for a major fiasco. If you already know of a fiasco committed by somebody, but YOU are yet to be caught with your pants down….you might want to hold on to the Brahmastra for the right time. When you are about to be caught, release the Brahmastra divert everybody to the decoy.

If you have to decide on something, call a meeting (preferably with somebody senior) and use him as your consultant. That way, when everything goes wrong….there is somebody to share the blame with you. He/she being more senior than you will end up taking the brunt.

Always keep all your colleagues happy. Compliment them on their shirts, trousers, undergarments (only if visible, else you will get caught)….how much does it cost to compliment? Giving gifts to your co-workers also helps. Not something costly…cheap gifts that give the impression that lots of thought has gone behind them. I know the economy is down and giving gifts costs money….but hasn`t your colleague count also come down? After all the sacking, aren`t there fewer colleagues to give gifts to?

Last, be in touch with people who recently got fired. Because, they are going to be on a job hunt…and can tip you off whenever they see your profile matching elsewhere. Here is my suggestion – humor them by gifting them a ‘To Do` notepad ….the only hitch with this suggestion is that the entries in this ‘To Do` notepad will read like: Get Up, File Unemployment, Re-look at the pink slip (Like an Aeroplane`s black box, this is also not pink!), start a blog & see if you can make money, cancel landline & internet connections, call up parents & become friends again etc.

I am the boss at my office – what can I do to survive at my job?

If you are the boss at your office, you are special. Here are a few things you need to do to stay on top of things.

1. Always wait until its way past lunch to give any work that has to be delivered by the evening. Remember, your employees like the adrenalin rush of having to complete the task before EoD.

2. If the report you want has to go to the Head Quarters, make sure you are at the person`s desk (the person creating the report) every 15 minutes. The best of bosses, stand right behind and give a comment after every keystroke (or mouse click, whichever happens more often).

3. Whenever your employees want to get in touch with you, avoid them. Force them to take their own decisions – this way, you can`t be blamed when things go wrong.

4. Always give more than one job to an employee and confuse him/her on the priority. It helps keep everybody on their toes.

5. Always treat your employees as if they have no life after work. Give them work for weekends and expect to see the work on Monday mornings. This keeps your employees in shape (and practice) when they land in office on Mondays.

6. If you notice that an employee is enjoying what he/she is doing – immediately give that job to somebody who is less likely to enjoy it. This is a good way to show people, who the boss is.

7. Never discuss non-work related stuff with your employees. Discussing personal items gives them the false hope that their boss cares, and thus relaxes them a bit. Even when you don`t have any work to discuss (like when you meet in the washroom) make up something.

8. Always wait till the mid-year or year-end review before telling your employees what wrong they are doing. You don`t want them to feel they are doing the right thing…do you? Especially during the appraisals.


Lateral Thinking – 5

Here goes a lateral thinking puzzle which will force you to think laterally:

As all women, the one in question also came home after a long day`s work at office. Since it was evening…and dark out side…she switched on the light in her living room.

She was horrified…completely horrified…to see the remains of her husband on the newly bought carpet. He had committed suicide.

Ignoring what had happened; the woman had a cup of tea and went about her housework. She didn`t phone for medical assistance or police help. Why not?

He/she who can answer this question correctly will win a glossy, signed, life-size poster of the World`s most misunderstood genius – Mr Jammy. Why misunderstood? Because nobody thinks I am a genius.

Update: Arun got it right in the first comment. Check Right Answer

Update from office
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A real conversation with my previous boss

Boss: What`s up?
Me: Ceiling.
Boss: No, besides that.
Me: My spirits.
Boss: That was not very smart.
Me: I agree.
Boss: So what`s up?
Me: The fan.
Boss: Besides the fan, ceiling and your spirits…you idiot.
Me: Hmm….the pealing plaster?
Boss: Did not see that one coming. What is up…besides the ceiling, fan, your spirits and the pealing plaster?
Me: Nothing much.
Boss: How about work?
Me: Yeah that is happening.
Boss: What is happening?
Me: The work.
Boss: What work?
Me: The usual work.
Boss: What usual work?
Me: The usual stuff.
Boss: What usual stuff?
Me: You know…the works.
Boss: Let me put it straight…what is the work you have been doing sitting here for the whole of last week, which you can show me, and claim to be good for the company?
Me: That`s not a very straight question.
Boss: Why?
Me: You are indirectly asking me if I was of any worth to the company.
Boss: Good you got the indirect meaning of my direct question.
Me: You could have been direct.
Boss: I thought I was direct.
Me: So are you going to sack me?
Boss: Yes.
Me: I have no problems. I have this brother of mine… who is a good worker…would fit right into my profile…would you want him to come for an interview tomorrow?
Boss: Sure.
Me: Thought you should know…he is my identical twin. Only thing he doesn`t have a mustache.
Boss: Sure, ask him to meet me tomorrow.
Me: Sure. You are a smart boss. By the way, do you know a barber shop nearby?