Growing Up

My criminal career was cut short but here is why I am in crime again

As a seven-year-old boy in 1982, I had taken baby steps towards becoming a career criminal. Back then, if you were a criminal you didn’t have to hide in a high-fenced complex in Pakistan or in an apartment complex in Dubai (did I just give away the hiding place of Dawood?).

Coming back to my criminal story, I had stolen a pink colored, peacock shaped, scented eraser in grade two, but my journey was cut short by lack of guts. Not to mention the beating I got from a lady who knew how to wield the broom – my mother.

Today after slogging for almost 20 years in corporates of various sizes and shapes I wonder where I would have been if I had not given up my career as a criminal.

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Would I still be an individual criminal contributor? Would I be leading a crime business unit? Or would I be leading a large Company of criminals? Obviously not D-Company, for that still has a good, effective CEO in Dawood Ibrahim, but you get the idea.

I started thinking along this lines after a casual discussion with my Argentinean colleague Andres.

First day in Argentina, I asked Andres: “So, how is the crime scene in Argentina?”

“We have very little crime in this country,” Andres replied.

“Is it? Why so?”

“You know, it is against the law.” Andres continued.

This got me by my you-know-what. Wow, crime was against the law? Never occurred to me!

“So, no crime at all?” I reiterated. As you may be aware by now that we Rajans don’t let go so easily.

“Actually, I would be wrong if I said there was no crime,” Andres seemed to be breaking down.

“And what sort of crime are we talking about here?” I poked him.

“The sort that one commits in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets. Know them?” Andres gave me a sly smile.

The moment the sentence escaped Andres’s mouth I knew he was referring to the crimes that countries did – in groups and in the name of patriotism. After all, a murder in a war isn’t a murder because it is being done in huge numbers and to patriotic jingoism. This gelled well with my past as well – before I had fully given up the criminal path I had wanted to join the army. If only I had joined, I would have been committing crime in a crowd. But that was not to be as they refused to take me in.

That night as I lay in bed I wondered: If everybody in this World was chasing a fortune and it was also true that behind every great fortune there was a crime then life needed to be re-defined. Before I fell asleep that night between my split-personality and me we agreed that life could be re-defined as “a competition where everybody wants to be the criminal and NOT the victim”.

The next day when I woke up I wanted to be a criminal again. As of now, I am trying to get back into my groove. Plan to start at the criminal equivalent of Summer Intern, which is a pick-pocketer.

I don’t agree with all that bull-crap our elders have taught us that crime doesn’t pay in the long run. The best proof are the children and grand children of famous gangsters such as Alphonse ‘Scarface’ Capone….who are now living off the riches. Perhaps it is out of context, but let me also tell you that no gangster named after a Mango can ever scare me. Alphonse, my foot!

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The good thing about my decision to become a criminal is that I don’t need any investment or an office space. I can work from home. And I am starting tomorrow.


Funny answers to question “What do you bring to the table?”

If you have ever been interviewed, you will know the dreaded question asked by the representative of the Human resources department: “What do you bring to the table?”

This is a tough question to answer. Especially if it is asked between “Tell me about yourself” and “Why should we hire you?.” I have been guilty of asking these questions, myself. Now I can’t think of these questions without a smile lighting up my face.

There is a world of advice around the question “What do you bring to the table.” For instance, they say “If you can’t bring anything to the table, at least set it up.” A few others – the perennially unsatisfied ones – quip, “It is not what you bring to the table, but how you serve it that is important.”

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Some experts have said, “If you don’t bring anything to the table, give up the chair,” and then some motivational gurus have advised: “If they don’t give you a chair at the table, bring your own folding chair.” All of this makes it difficult to answer the question “What do you bring to the table?”

Today as we stand at the crossroads, with the need to outwit AI, which will soon be taking away our jobs…we need to smarten up. Every profession must dig deep and come up with a creative answer to impress the human resources lady sitting across the table.

Funny article on why my wife forces me to lie, and why I am not a big fan of marriage

Here is our humble attempt at imagining what funny answers different professionals will have.


I agree that a criminal may never be sitting in front of an HR for an interview, but I am sure they get asked this question a lot – probably by the head mafia.

Funny criminal


Doctors mostly deal with beds. Sentences such as “Get some bed rest,” “lie down on the bed and lower your trousers” are their favorites. When you deal with a doctor, it is not a question of which side of the bed you will get up from. The question is more like, “Will you get up at all?”

Funny doctor


Waiters have a special quality – the distance they are from you is inversely proportional to the amount of food on your plate. Just when you need them, they are counting the rings on Saturn. They are also a clever lot. They always walk up to us when our mouths are full and ask, ‘Sir, how is the food?” To cut-short the discussion, even as we munch on the mutton (or broccoli!), all we can do is give a thumb-up sign and send him off happy.

Funny waiter

Software Engineers

Software engineers are guilty of the biggest crime in this World. They invented computers to save our time, which then led to mobiles and today all the time we waste is on these two gadgets. So much for foresight!

Funny Software Engineer


When I was growing up my father used to take me along whenever he went to watch pole dancing. I would be intrigued. I would ask, “Father, why are these women dancing around a pole?” Without blinking an eye, he would reply: “They are training to be firemen.” As a result my whole childhood was spent thinking only women could become firemen.

Funny fireman


We all have played carpenter some time or the other in our lives – we all have got hammered and nailed someone. But the carpenters in question here are the ones that work with wood. Damn, that came out wrong again – I mean the ones that make wooden beds, tables, chairs and stools. Since we talking about carpenters, you should know that they can never show their stool samples to doctors.

Funny carpenter

Negotiations are part and parcel of life. Here is a real conversation with my boss

Database Administrators

I think database administrators are one of the most selfish of all professions. They are always talking of MySQL. I haven’t heard one database administrator who has gone on record saying, “hey, whatever differences we may have…it is alright. Let us just use YourSQL.”

Funny Database Administrator


Writers are scary. They can’t talk back, but they can add you a character in their novels and mock you for life. That is, if they can get over what is known as the writer’s block.

Funny writer


We all know that finding an honest politician is as easy as finding a virgin hooker. Probably that’s why they say that politicians are like diapers and must be changed often. The problem is, we all change our politicians often but only by falling for another fairy tale which starts with ‘Once I get elected….”

Funny Politician

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Working with lawyers is a case of morally bankrupt making you financially bankrupt. I won’t go around joking about lawyers, because then they will sue me and I will be forced to hire one of them to save me.

Funny Lawyer


To be honest, deep down we all are psychologists – just that you need a degree in psychology before we can make money out of it. For instance, if you have kids you must have tried the ‘reverse psychology method’ by asking them NOT to do something when in fact you want them to do it.

Funny Psychologist